_House of Commons, Monday, June 20_.--Black Rod got up little joke
to-night by way of relieving the weight of these mournful parting
moments. As soon as House met, word went round that, in absence of
Mr. G., and other Leaders of the Opposition, SAGE OF QUEEN ANNE'S GATE
intended to take Prince ARTHUR in hand, and insist on his making clean
breast of date of Dissolution. A Royal Commission arranged in other
House. Black Rod despatched to summon Commons to assist at ceremony.
"The SAGE wants the House of Lords abolished, does he?" said Black
Rod, to his friend the White Elephant. "Very well; but before
it's done, I'll bet you 100 to 1, as JOHN MORLEY says, that I, as
representative of the Lords, will make him shut up, and pretty sharp
too. He little knows there's a Rod in pickle for him, and a Black 'un,
too."
Everything worked out as it was planned. On Motion for Third Reading
of Appropriation Bill, SAGE, in his most winning way, invited Prince
ARTHUR to name the happy day. Black Rod, getting tip, hurried across
Lobby; reached the door just as SAGE was in middle of a sentence.
"Black Rod!" roared Doorkeeper, at top of his voice. SAGE paused,
looked with troubled glance towards door, stood for a moment as if he
would resist the incursion, and catching sight of sword by Black Rod's
side, abruptly sat down amid general titter.
[Illustration: "Stopped on the threshold."]
Still winding-up business. GEORGE CURZON explained Indian Budget to
PLOWDEN, and Rev. SAM SMITH, who thought it very good. So it was,
comprehensive, lucid, here and there brightened with felicitous
touches of eloquence.
"Pity," said GRAND CROSS, when I mentioned to him the depressing
circumstances attendant upon delivery of speech; "CURZON's a clever
youth. When he's been with me a month or two, he'll brighten up
considerably. Great advantage for a young man to have such guidance,
coming into almost daily contact with a person like his present Chief.
The fact is, TOBY, I am really responsible for the state of the House
to-night. The country, England and India alike, are so satisfied
with my rule over what I may, perhaps without offence, call our dusky
Empire, that people do not think it worth while to go down to House
to hear the affair discoursed on by my Under-Secretary. Amongst
the natives in India, I'm told, I'm regarded as a sort of Fetish.
Travellers in remote regions bring home stories of finding, set up in
humble cottages, little images, more or less resembling me. GORST told
me they have a saying there, which he was good enough to translate.
His knowledge of Hindustanee is extensive, peculiar, and acquired with
remarkable rapidity. These are the lines:
If you'd never make a loss,
Put your money on GRAND CROSS.
A free translation, GORST says, but gives you the swing and the spirit
of the distich. Rather hard on CURZON that my popularity should spoil
his speech, but a good thing for the country."
_Business done_.--Budget brought in.
_Tuesday_.--Wonderfully good muster in Lords to-night. Every man upon
his mettle. As the MARKISS says, with that epigrammatic style that
makes him so delightful, "The first duty of a Peer is to appear."
Those Radicals been protesting that talk about necessity for
prolonging Session over week all a flam. Simply meant to make it
impossible for our delicate friend, the British Workman, to get
to poll. Peers must show they mean business, by turning up with
regularity and despatch.
[Illustration: "All over at last!"]
Appeal to patriotic feelings nobly answered; nearly a hundred Lords
in place to-night. CHELMSFORD, walking down with his umbrella, just
about to add a unit to the number; stopped on the threshold by strange
sight; looking in from room beyond the Throne, sees DENMAN standing
at Table, shaking his fist at Prime Minister. DENMAN is wearing
what CHELMSFORD, who is short-sighted, at first took to be red Cap
of Liberty. But it's nothing more dangerous than a red skull-cap,
designed to resist draughts. Needn't be red, but it is. Business
before House, Third Reading of Small Holdings Bill Occurs to DENMAN
to move its rejection; talks for ten minutes; difficulty to catch his
remarks; understood from fragmentary phrases to be extolling someone
as a luminous Statesman; seeing measure before the House is Small
Holdings Bill, noble Lords naturally conclude he's talking about
CHAPLIN. MARKISS interposes; says, "Noble Lord not speaking to Bill
before House."
It was at this moment CHELMSFORD arrived. Saw DENMAN draw himself up
to full height, shake his fist at the MARKISS, and this time at full
pitch of quivering voice cry, "Ha! ha! you wish to _clôture_ me again,
do you? I'm very much obleeged to you. I have a right to refer in a
hereditary assembly to the best man that ever stood in it."
Then noble Lords knew it couldn't have been CHAPLIN. Not yet.
_Business done_.--Still winding it up.
_Tuesday, June 28_.--Parliament prorogued and dissolved. "All over
at last," says ROSCOE, putting it in another and more original way.
Few to part where (six years ago) many met. Still some, chiefly
Metropolitan Members, remain to see the last of the old Parliament.
"Good-bye, TOBY," Prince ARTHUR says, after we've shaken hands with
the SPEAKER. "Shall see you again in August. _You_'re all right. One
of those happy fellows who are returned unopposed. As for me, I have
to fight for my seat, and my life."
"You'll come back too," I said; "but you'll be sitting on the other
side of House. What'll you do when you're in Opposition?"
"I'll go to the Opera every Wednesday night," said Prince ARTHUR, with
a gleam of joy lighting up his face.
_Business done_.--Parliament dissolved.
* * * * *
[Illustration]
NEWS ABOUT BISMARCK FOR THE BRITISH PUBLIC.--Professor SCHWENINGER,
the Bizzy B.'s private physician, writes privately to _Mr. Punch_ the
following news about his distinguished patient. "Tell the B.P. that
P.B. sleeps like a top. This is no hum. He is up at 7 A.M., and wishes
everyone 'the top of the mornin' to you,' puts on his top-boots and
top-hat, and then goes out for a spin."
* * * * *
FROM A CORRESPONDENT ANENT THE TRUSTEES, MESSRS. COHEN AND LEVY, AND
THE GIFT OF £350,000 FOR LIVERPOOL AND MANCHESTER.--Sir,--It has been
asked, what will they do with it? Liverpool and Manchester are both
millionnaires and millowners too. Why not send a little to _me_? Who's
Cohen, I mean who's goin' to Leave-y _me_ anything? No spare Cohen--or
Coin--ever comes _my_ way! Would that a Co-hen would lay for me a
golden egg as valuable as the Kohenore! Sir, I am of Irish extraction,
and the Irish are of Hebraic origin, so I have some claim. Why?
Because Irishmen are Hebrews first and Irish afterwards. The first
settlers on settling-day in Ireland were Hebrews to a man, and isn't
it clear that "Liffey" was originally "Levy?"
Yours impecuniously, THE O'DUNAHOO. _With the accent on the "Owe" and
the "Dun"_
_Leafy June 30_.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "ACCORDING TO HIS FOLLY!"
_Hostess_. "I'VE GOT _SUCH_ A COLD TO-DAY. I FEEL QUITE _STUPID_!"
_Prize Idiot_ (_calling_). "I'VE GOT A BAD COLD TOO; BUT _I_ DON'T
FEEL PARTICULARLY STUPID!
_Hostess_. "AH, I SEE YOU'RE NOT QUITE YOURSELF!"]
* * * * *