_Of the Metropolis of Pamphagonia, and the Customs of the Inhabitants._
There are but very few villages in this country, as well as in some
others; from whence a traveller may conjecture, that the country towns
are devoured by the cities, which are not so many in number as they are
large and populous; of which the mother and governess is called
Artocreopolis. The report goes, that in ancient times there were two
famous cities, Artopolis and Creatium, which had many and long contests
about the superiority: for so it happens to places, as well as men, that
increase in power; insomuch as the two most flourishing Universities in
the world (to both of which I bear the relation of a son, though I am
more peculiarly obliged to one of them for my education),
notwithstanding they are sisters, could not abstain from so ungrateful a
contention.
Artopolis boasted of its antiquity, and that it had flourished in the
Saturnian age, when it had as yet no rival. Creatium set forth its own
splendour, pleasantness, and power. At last, a council being called,
Creatium got the preference by the universal votes of the assembly; for
such is the iniquity of the times, that though the head be covered with
grey hairs, yet nothing is allowed to the reverence of antiquity, when
encountered by a proud and upstart novelty. The other city is now so far
neglected, that the ruins or footsteps of its magnificence are scarce
remaining, any more than of Verulam, as is most elegantly set forth by
our noble poet Spenser in his verses on that subject; the latter
usurping the name of the other, as well as the other has now the double
title of Artocreopolis. The city is more extensive than beautiful: it is
fortified with a large and deep ditch of running water, which washes
almost all the streets, wherein are a thousand several ponds for fish;
upon which swim ducks, geese, swans, and all sorts of water-fowl, which
has been wisely imitated by the people of Augsburg. This ditch is called
Gruessa. There are two walls, whose materials were furnished by the
flesh-market; for they are made of bones, the larger serving for the
foundations, the lesser for the superstructure, whilst the smallest fill
up what is wanting in the middle; being all cemented with the whites of
eggs, by a wonderful artifice. The houses are not very beautiful, nor
built high after the manner of other cities; so that there is no need of
an Augustus to restrain the buildings to the height of seventy feet, as
was done at Rome; nor is there room for a Seneca or Juvenal to complain
of the multitude of their stairs and number of their stories.
They have no regard for staircases; for indeed none of the citizens care
for them, partly from the trouble of getting up them (especially when,
as they often do, they have drunk heartily) as much as for the danger of
getting down again. Their houses are all covered with large blade-bones,
very neatly joined together. There are no free citizens admitted, but
such whose employment has more immediately some relation to the table.
Husbandmen, smiths, millers, and butchers, live in their colonies, who,
when they have a belly of an unwieldy bulk, are promoted to be
burgesses; to which degree none were anciently admitted but cooks,
bakers, victuallers, and the gravest senators, who are chosen here, as
in other places, not for their prudence, riches, or length of beard; but
for their measure, which they must come up to yearly if they will
pretend to bear any office in the public. As any one grows in
dimensions, he rises in honour; so that I have seen some who, from the
meanest and most contemptible village, have, for their merits, been
promoted to a more famous town, and at last obtained the senatorial
dignity in this most celebrated city: and yet, when by some disease (as
it often happens), or by age, they have grown leaner than they are
allowed to be by the statutes, have lost their honour, together with the
bulk of their carcass. Their streets were paved with polished marble;
which seemed strange amongst a people so incurious, both because the
workmanship was troublesome, and there might be danger in its being
slippery. But the true reason of it was, that they might not be forced
to lift their feet higher than ordinary by the inequality of the
pavement, and likewise that the chairs of the senators might the more
easily be pushed forward; for they never go on foot, or on horseback,
nor even in a coach, to the exchange, or their public feasts, because of
their weight; but they are moved about in great easy elbow-chairs, with
four wheels to them, and continue sitting so fixed, in the same posture,
snoring and flabbering till they are wheeled home again.
At the four gates of the city, whose form is circular, there sit in
their turns as many senators, who are called Buscadores. These carefully
examine all who come in and go out, those that go out, lest they should
presume by chance to do it fasting, which they can easily judge of by
the extent of their bellies, and the matter being proved, they are fined
in a double supper: those that come in, to see what they bring with them
upon their return; for they must neither depart with empty stomachs, nor
come back with empty hands. Every month, according to the laws, which
they unwillingly transgress, there are stated feasts, at which all the
senators are obliged to be present, that after dinner (for no person can
give his vote before he has dined) they may deliberate concerning the
public affairs. The name of their common-hall is Pythanoscome. Every one
knows his own seat, and his conveniences and a couch to repose upon when
the heat of their wine and seasoned dainties incline them to it. Their
greatest delicacies are served up at the first course; for they think it
foolish not to eat the best things with the greatest appetite: nor do
they cut their boars, sheep, goats, and lambs into joints or quarters,
as commonly we do, but convey them whole to table, by the help of
machines, as I remember to have read in Petronius Arbiter. They are
fineable who rise before they have set six hours; for then the edge of
their stomach is blunted. They eat and drink so leisurely, for the same
reason as the famous Epicure of old wished that his neck were as long as
a crane's. They measure the seasonable time for their departure after
this method: they have a door to their town-house, which is wide enough
for the largest man to enter when he is fasting: through this the guests
pass; and when any one would depart, if he stops in this passage, he is
trusted to go out at another door; but if it be as easy as if he were
fasting, the master of the ceremonies makes him tarry till he comes to
be of a statutable magnitute: after which example, Willfrid's needle in
Belvior Castle was a pleasant trial of Roman Catholic sanctity. They
have gardens of many acres extent, but not like those of Adonis or
Alcinoues; for nothing delightful is to be expected in them, neither
order, nor regularity of walk, nor grass-plots, nor variety of flowers
in the borders: but you will find all planted with cabbages, turnips,
garlick, and musk-melons, which were carried hence to Italy, and are in
quantity sufficient to feast an hundred Pythagoreans.
There is a public college, or hospital, whither they are sent who have
got the dropsy, gout, or asthma, by their eating and drinking; and there
they are nourished at the public expense. As for such as have lost their
teeth by their luxury, or broken them by eating too greedily or
incautiously, they are provided for in the island of Sorbonia. All the
richer sort have several servants, in the nature of vassals, to
cultivate their gardens, and be employed in inferior offices, who have
their liberty when they can arrive at such a bulkiness. If any of the
grandees of the country die of a surfeit, he is given, as being all made
up of the most exquisite dainties, to be eaten up by his servants; and
this they do that nothing should be lost that is so delicate. The men
are thick and fat to a miracle; nor will any one salute another whose
chin does not come to the midst of his breast, and his paunch falls to
his knees. The women are not unlike them, and in shape resemble the
Italians, and have breasts like the Hottentots. They go almost naked,
having no regard to their garments. The magistrates and persons of
better figure have gowns made of the skins of such beasts as they have
eaten at one meal. All wear a knife, with a large spoon, hanging upon
their right arm. Before their breasts they wear a smooth skin, instead
of a napkin, to receive what falls out of their mouths, and to wipe them
upon occasion; which whether it be more black or greasy, is hard to
determine.
They are of a very slow apprehension, and no way fit for any science;
but yet understand such arts as they have occasion for. Their schools
are public-houses, where they are educated in the sciences of eating,
drinking, and carving; over which, one Archisilenius, an exquisite
Epicure, was then provost, who, instead of grammar, read some fragments
of Apicius. Instead of a library, there is a public repository of
drinking-vessels, in which cups of all orders and sizes are disposed
into certain classes. Cups and dishes are instead of books. The younger
scholars have less, the elder have greater; one has a quart, the other a
pottle, the other a gallon: this has a hen, that a goose, a third a lamb
or a porker: nor have they any liberty, or recess, till the whole is
finished; and if by a seven years' stuffing they are no proficients in
fatness, are presently banished into the Fancetic Islands; nor are they
suffered long to stay there idle and without improvement. Hither
likewise are sent all physicians who prescribe a course of diet to any
person. When any one is sick, without recourse to AEsculapius, they make
him eat radish, and drink warm water; which, according to Celsus, will
purge and vomit him. Venison is that which they most delight in; but
they never take it in hunting, but by nets and gins. They look upon the
swine as the most profitable and best of all animals; whether it is for
the likeness of its manners, as being good for nothing but the table, or
else from its growing fat on the sudden with the worst of nutriment. It
may not seem credible, yet parsimony appears in the midst of their
profuseness: but then it is very ill placed, for it is in crumbs, bones,
and crusts. They do not so much as keep any dogs, cats, hawks, or
anything that eats flesh. If any person suffer meat to stink, he is
impaled; but venison and rabbits are to have the _haut-gout_: and then
their cheese is kept till it is overrun with little animals, which they
devour with mustard and sugar. This is an odd sort of custom, derived
from the Dutch.
The country abounds with rivers, which ebb and flow according to their
digestion, and generally overflow at the beginning of January, and
towards the end of February, and do mischief to the neighbouring
country.