"_QUAND ON CONSPIRE_"
Mr. Pindar Hollopeter slept long and late the next morning, as became a
gentleman of metropolitan habits; he had not yet made his appearance
when Will Jaquith came swinging along the street and turned in at the
gate. Tommy Candy was at work in the garden, trimming the roses, as Will
himself had been used to do before he was a family man and a postmaster,
and at sight of him Will stopped.
"Just the man I was looking for, Tom!" he said. "I want to consult you."
"Same here!" said Tommy, straightening himself and looking over the
sweetbriar bush. "What's up your way?"
"This!" said Will, taking a postal card from his pocket. "I don't make a
practice of reading postal cards, Tom, but I thought I'd better do it
this time, as I recognized the handwriting;" and he read aloud: "'Expect
me to-morrow at eleven, for the day. M. DARRACOTT PRYOR.'"
"Gee!" said Tommy Candy.
"Whiz!" said Will Jaquith. "Exactly. Now what are we to do? I promised
Mr. Homer that she should not torment him."
"And I promised Her," said Tommy, slowly ("Her" was Mrs. Tree, once and
for all time, with Tommy Candy), "that that woman should never stay in
this house. Didn't I tell you? It was the last time ever I was sittin'
with her. I'll never forget it; she knew she hadn't long to stay, for as
brisk and chirk as she was; she knew it right enough. 'Tommy,' she
says, 'when I'm gone, I look to you to keep cats off the place; do you
hear?' She couldn't abide cats, you know. I says, 'There sha'n't any cat
come on the place if I can help it, Mis' Tree,' I says, 'and I expect I
can.' I didn't have no _i_dea at first what she meant. She raps her
stick and looks at me. Gorry! when she looked at you, she hadn't hardly
no need to speak; her eyes did the talkin'. 'Cats!' she says.
'Four-legged cats, two-legged cats. Cats that say "miaouw!" cats that
say "Maria!" keep 'em off, Tommy! worry 'em, Tommy! Worry 'em! do you
hear?'
"'I hear, Mis' Tree,' I says, 'and I'll do it.'
"'Good boy, Tommy!' she says; and she pulls out the table-drawer, same
as she always did--Gorry! I can't talk about it!" His voice faltered,
and he turned away. "She was my best friend!" he said, brokenly; "she
was the best friend ever a fellow had."
"Mine, too, Tommy," said Will, laying his hand kindly on the lad's
shoulder. "We'll think of her together, boy, and we'll carry out her
wishes if it takes a--"
He checked himself, with a glance at the stick that never left Tommy's
side; but Tommy finished the sentence simply:
"A leg! that's what we'll do. I'd give my good leg, let alone the poor
one; I shouldn't have had that if it hadn't been for her; if she hadn't
sent for Doctor Strong that day. Old Pottle was going to take it off,
you know. 'I'll take off your ears first!' she says, and 'rap' goes her
stick. 'Ninnyhammer!' she says; 'noodle!' she says; 'send for Geoffrey
Strong.' That rap was the first thing I heard; I believe it brought me
back, too, from--from wherever there is. Gorry! I wish't I could bring
her back!"
"We cannot do that, Tommy," said Will Jaquith, sadly; "but what we can
do, we will. Now about this--lady!"
"Look-a-here!" said Tommy, eagerly. "I don't believe but what this fays
in with what has been goin' on here. Last night--" and he told briefly
of the advent of Mr. Pindar.
"He's plum crazy," he added, "crazy as a loon; but yet it's a knowin'
kind of crazy, and I don't believe but what he could help us."
Will pondered. "I should not wonder if he could, Tom," he said at
length. "I'd like to see him, anyhow. Where is he, and where is Mr.
Homer?"
"Mr. Homer's gone for a walk," said Tommy. "He was all worked up about
his brother's comin', and some kind of rinktum he wants to get up, here
in the village; kind of crazy circus, near as I could make out from the
little he said. He didn't eat hardly any breakfast, and Direxia was in a
caniption, so I got him to go for a walk in the woods, to ca'm him down.
That ca'ms him down better than 'most anything, generally, unless it's
Miss Wax's barrel-organ, and she's busy mornin's. Come in, Will. The
other one wasn't down when I come out, but I presume likely he is now. I
tell you he's a queer one!"
They went in; and, sure enough, Mr. Pindar was in the dining-room,
eating toast and marmalade, and holding forth to Direxia Hawkes, who
stood in the doorway, half-admiring, half-distrustful. Her early opinion
of Pindar Hollopeter had been unfavorable, but he certainly had an
elegant way with him, and used beautiful language.
"The orange," he was saying, as he waved a spoonful of the translucent
sweetmeat, "has ever been the friend of man; unless, indeed, we share
the view of those who hold that it was the original Apple of Discord.
The answer to this theory would appear to lie in the fact that it is not
an apple at all. But soft! whom have we here? A stranger! alarums and
entrances. Enter mysterious individual, r. u. e."
"It's Willy Jaquith and Tommy," said Direxia. "I'll go now; if you want
more toast, you can ring the bell."
"Good morning, sir!" said Tommy, advancing. "I hope you slept well. Let
me make you acquainted with Mr. Jaquith; this is Mr. Homer's brother,
Will, that I was telling you about."
"I am glad to meet you, sir!" said Will. "Mr. Homer is a great friend of
mine."
Mr. Pindar rose, and held out his hand with a superb gesture.
"My brother's friends," he said, "find safe asylum in this rugged
breast. Sir, I salute you. Can I offer you refreshment--the wheaten
loaf, the smooth, unrifled egg, the bland emollience of the butter-pat?
No?"
"Thanks!" said Will. "I have breakfasted, Mr. Hollopeter; but don't let
me interrupt you. Thanks." He seated himself in response to a
magnificent wave. "Pray finish your breakfast, sir!"
But Mr. Pindar had apparently finished, and was besides in a
communicative mood. After explaining to them at great length the theory
of Ate's apple, he gave them a brief disquisition on the proper boiling
of eggs, touched lightly on the use of butter among the Hebrews, and
then, to their great delight, proceeded to advert to his own coming. It
was a sudden inspiration, he informed them. Some thirty years had
blossomed o'er his head since his foot had trod the soil from which he
sprang. He left, a stripling in his early flower; he returned--"what you
see!" His gesture transformed the little shabby bat-cloak into an ermine
mantle. "A son of Thespis, gentlemen, at your command!"
Tommy opened wide eyes at this, having always heard that Mr. Hollopeter
senior had rejoiced in the name of Ecclesiastes Nudd; but Will bowed
respectfully in response to the wave. "An actor, sir?" he asked,
deferentially.
Mr. Pindar bowed and waved again. "Actor, dramatist, musician, composer!
"By many names men know me,
In many lands I dwell;
Well Philadelphia knows me,
Manhattan knows me well.
A man of cities, sir, of cities! I have come to assist at the
celebration of the New Order, and shall be glad to count you among my
aids." Here Mr. Pindar bowed profoundly, twirled his mustaches,
fluttered his wings, and proceeded to unfold his scheme of a
Processional Festival Jubilee, matrons, maidens, distaffs, and all. He
declared that Will was the very figure of Apollo, and that Tommy, on
account of his lameness, was evidently created for the part of Vulcan.
"A disparity of years, I grant you, my young friend," he said,
graciously; "but what! the gods were young when time was. The Boy
Hephaestos! what say you?"
Tommy Candy, probably for the first time in his young life, found
nothing to say; but Will pronounced the scheme a most interesting one.
Before going fully into it, however, he said, he was anxious to consult
Mr. Pindar on a matter connected with his brother.
Mr. Pindar bowed again, still more profoundly, and crossing his arms on
his breast, nodded thrice, each time more impressively than the last.
"Concerning Homer!" he said. "My father's son; my mother's fair-haired
joy; in short, my brother. Gentles, say on; my ears are all your own."
"We have--learned," Will began cautiously, "that a visitor is coming
here this morning whom we think Mr. Homer would greatly prefer not to
see. The lady is a cousin of yours, sir; Mrs. Pryor, formerly Miss
Darracott--"
He stopped, for Mr. Pindar fixed him with a gleaming eye and an
outstretched forefinger, and uttered one word.
"Maria?"
"The same!" said Will.
"Maria!" repeated Mr. Pindar. "Ye gods! Strike home, young man! my bosom
to the knife--strike home!"
"Mr. Homer has dreaded her coming," said Will, taking courage; "and Mrs.
Tree--a--did not--was not fond of her, we will say. We thought that you
might possibly help us, sir, in devising some plan by which, without
being uncivil, we might spare Mr. Homer the distress which--which an
interview with this lady could hardly fail to give him."
Mr. Pindar still looked fixedly at him. "Maria!" he muttered once more.
"My boyhood's knotted scourge! the most horrid child that ever--What
does she want?"
"She desires to be a sister to Mr. Homer, sir," said Will, simply.
Mr. Pindar recoiled. "Perish the thought!" he exclaimed. "Sepulchred
deep the curst conception lie! and you? ye seek assistance, ha?"
"We thought you might be able to help us out, sir," said Will.
"I bet you could fix her!" said Tommy.
Mr. Pindar's eyes flashed. "Your hands!" he cried. "The Dramatic Moment
strikes. Ding dong! But soft; we must dissemble!"
Mr. Pindar laid his finger on his lips, and rolled his eyes on his
visitors with a warning glance. Then rising, he stole with measured and
elaborately noiseless steps to the door, and listened at the keyhole,
then to the window, and peered out with dramatic caution; then, still
with his finger on his lips, he turned to his companions.
"All is well!" he said; he waved the little bat-cloak, and then drew it
round him with a flap of mystery.
"Approach!" he whispered, beckoning the two friends toward him,
"Conspiracy is the soul of Drama: approach, friends, and give--or rather
receive--the counter-sign!"
It was a pleasant sight to see Mr. Pindar Hollopeter, his eyes gleaming
with dramatic fire, yet with a twinkle in the black depths of them,
waving his arms abroad (the gesture so like his brother's, yet so
unlike), expounding, suggesting, illustrating. It was pleasant, too, to
see the responsive twinkle that danced and deepened in the blue and gray
eyes as they met his.
"I said you would fix it, sir!" cried Tommy Candy, smiting his thigh.
"That will be capital, sir!" said Will. "Your coming seems really
providential just at this time. Of course we could not have shown any
incivility to a member of your family; but if you can arrange this--"
"Sir," said Mr. Pindar, dropping his head forward, and gazing up through
his eyebrows. "I know not 'if.' Regard the thing as done!"
Punctually at eleven o'clock, Mrs. Pryor bustled and crackled up the
garden path, and rang a defiant peal at the bell. She had brought no
luggage with her; this was a preliminary skirmish, so to speak, merely
to try her ground and assert her rights; but she was prepared to do
fierce battle with Direxia Hawkes or any one else who might attempt to
impede her progress in the Path of Duty. Accordingly, when she heard
footsteps approaching along the hall, she stood with heaving breast and
glittering eye, ready and determined to effect an entrance the instant a
crack of the door should be opened.
But there was no question of a crack this time. The door swung open to
its fullest extent, and, instead of the small and warlike figure of
Direxia Hawkes, it was Tommy Candy who stood on the threshold, with
subdued and sorrowful looks.
"How do you do, Mis' Pryor?" he said. "I'm rejoiced you have come. I
took the liberty of reading your postal, and it seemed as though I
couldn't hardly wait till eleven o'clock came. We need you here, the
wust way, Mis' Pryor."
Mrs. Pryor's bristling panoply smoothed itself, and she even gave an
approving look at the youth, who certainly was a good-looking youth, and
had probably been subjected to evil influences in his childhood.
"I am glad that I have come at the right moment, Tommy," she said,
benignly. "People sometimes say that when I come, it is apt to be the
right moment, but we will not speak of that now. What is wrong? Have you
had difficulty in getting rid of the old woman? I will attend to that
with pleasure; it is my duty." And she stepped into the hall, Tommy
making way for her with alacrity.
"Oh, no'm," said Tommy. "It wasn't that; I don't suppose you could hire
Direxia to stay--now!"
"What do you mean?" asked the visitor. "What has happened? Mr. Homer is
not ill? nothing contagious, I--" and she made a step backward.
"Oh, no'm!" said Tommy, mournfully. "No, I never heard of its bein'
contagious, any more than a person couldn't stand it long; but now you
have come, you will see to everything, I expect, and how thankful shall
we be. This way, mum!" and he opened the parlor door.
"There can't but one go in at a time," he whispered. "It excites him too
much; but he's been pretty quiet this last hour or so; I guess there
won't be no danger, not for a spell at least."
"What do you mean?" asked Mrs. Pryor, in alarm. "Tell me at once what
has happened, Thomas Candy!"
Tommy shook his head sadly, and turned away with something like a sob.
"You'll find out soon enough!" he murmured. "There's things you don't
care to put into words. I'm real glad you've come, Mis' Pryor."
* * * * *
"I can't tell you all he said," said Tommy over the garden gate that
evening, "for I wasn't in the room. I couldn't hear only a scrap now and
again, when he'd give a kind of screech; but you'd sworn, to look at
him, it was Mr. Homer gone crazy. He looks like him, anyway, and he put
on one of his co'ts and blue neckties, and sort of flopped his hair down
over his forehead,--I tell ye, he was complete! and of course she never
suspicioned anything about the other--Mr. Pindar--bein' in the land of
the livin', or this part of it anyway. We had the room darkened, and he
sot there hunched up in a big chair with his back to the light, sort o'
mutterin' to himself, when I shew her in.
"I kinder prepared her mind, just as he told me, and she felt a mite
scary, I guess; well, Annie Lizzie, he did the rest; I had no part or
lot in it. I tell you he's a circus, that man! I heard him ask her right
off the first thing would she marry him, and be his young gazelle: that
pleased her, and yet she was took aback a mite, and said: 'Oh, Homer,
this is very sudden!'
"'We'll be married by candle-light,' he says, 'and go off in a balloon,
by registered mail. The Emperor of China is expecting us to tea; we are
to wear our skulls outside, and cross-bones in our clustering locks.
Hark to the wedding knell! tzing boom! tzing boom! cymbals and bass
drum!'
"I heard that plain, but then he went on muttering for a spell, and I
couldn't make out a word, till she said, kinder sharp and twittery: 'I
must go now, Homer; I have an important engagement;' and she said
something about coming back soon. But he hollers out:
"'Black sperits and white,
Red sperits and gray,
Mingle, mingle, mingle,
Ye that mingle may!'
And I heard them fussin' round, as if she was tryin' to get out the room
and he was keepin' between her and the door. At last and finally, he
must have got right up close't the door, for I heard him as plain as I
do you. 'Rats and bears! rats and bears!' he says, 'all over the room!
all over the room! look at 'em! look at 'em!' She let one yell out--that
was the one you heard--and come runnin' out, and he come as fur as the
door after her, flappin' his arms and hoppin' up and down--great Jonas!
I expect she'd ben runnin' now if she hadn't have caught the down
stage. I tell ye, I won't forget that one while."
"Oh, Tommy!" said Annie Lizzie, in her soft, reproachful voice. "I think
'twas awful mean to scare a lady that way, now I do. I don't think you'd
oughter have done it; 'twasn't pretty actin', no way, shape, or manner,
don't tell me it was."
"Annie Lizzie," said Tommy, "you don't know Mis' Pryor; you warn't
nothin' but a child when she was here before. There's some folks you
_have_ to scare; it's the only way to git red of 'em, and we _had_ to
git red of her. Let alone what Mis' Tree said to me the last time ever I
saw her,--though that was enough for me, and what she said goes, as long
as I live,--but let that alone, do you think we was goin' to let that
woman set right down on Mr. Homer, and smother him with sarce? I guess
not. If Prov'dence hadn't sent his brother right in the nick of time,
Will and me'd have had to do it ourselves, and like as not made a mess
of it, and Mr. Homer found out, and ben worked up worse than what he is
now; but, as it was, it was all done in the family, and there warn't a
word said but what was polite, if 'twas crazy. He couldn't do no more
than ask her to marry him, could he?"
"Oh, well, Tommy, you can always talk!" said Annie Lizzie.
"There's other things I can do besides talk," said Tommy Candy; and he
did one of them.
"Tommy!" said Annie Lizzie. "How you act!"