'I am wounded all over, right and left, fore and aft, long ways and
cross ways, Death and the Devil!' cried the bravo.
'Am I bleeding?' said I, feeling myself with my hands.
'No, blessed St. Fidget be praised!' answered he; 'and now all is
safe, for the banditti have turned into the wrong passage.'
He then stopped, and unlocked a door.
'Enter,' said he, 'and behold your mother!'
He led me forward, tore the bandage from my eyes, and retiring, locked
the door after him.
Agitated by the terrors of my dangerous expedition, I felt additional
horror in finding myself within a dismal cell, lighted with a lantern;
where, at a small table, sat a woman suffering under a corpulency
unparalleled in the memoirs of human monsters. Her dress was a
patchwork of blankets and satins, and her gray tresses were like
horses' tails. Hundreds of frogs leaped about the floor; a piece of
mouldy bread, and a mug of water, lay on the table; some straw, strewn
with dead snakes and sculls, occupied one corner, and the distant end
of the cell was concealed behind a black curtain.
I stood at the door, doubtful, and afraid to advance; while the
prodigious prisoner sat examining me all over.
At last I summoned courage to say, 'I fear, madam, I am an intruder
here. I have certainly been shown into the wrong room.'
'It is, it is my own, my only daughter, my Cherubina!' cried she, with
a tremendous voice. 'Come to my maternal arms, thou living picture of
the departed Theodore!'
'Why, ma'am,' said I, 'I would with great pleasure, but I am
afraid--Oh, madam, indeed, indeed, I am quite sure you cannot be my
mother!'
'Why not, thou unnatural girl?' cried she.
'Because, madam,' answered I, 'my mother was of a thin habit; as her
portrait proves.'
{43} 'And so I was once,' said she. 'This deplorable plumpness is
owing to want of exercise. But I thank the Gods I am as pale as ever.'
'Heavens! no,' cried I. 'Your face, pardon me, is a rich scarlet.'
'And is this our tender meeting?' cried she. 'To disown me, to throw
my fat in my teeth, to violate the lilies of my skin with a dash of
scarlet? Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle! Tell me, girl,
will you embrace me, or will you not?'
'Indeed, madam,' answered I, 'I will presently.'
'Presently!'
'Yes, depend upon it I will. Only let me get over the first shock.'
'Shock!'
Dreading her violence, and feeling myself bound to do the duties of a
daughter, I kneeled at her feet, and said:
'Ever respected, ever venerable author of my being, I beg thy maternal
blessing!'
My mother raised me from the ground, and hugged me to her heart, with
such cruel vigor, that, almost crushed, I cried out stoutly, and
struggled for release.
'And now,' said she, relaxing her grasp, 'let me tell you of my
sufferings. Ten long years I have eaten nothing but bread. Oh, ye
favorite pullets, oh, ye inimitable tit-bits, shall I never, never
taste you more? It was but last night, that maddened by hunger,
methought I beheld the Genius of Dinner in my dreams. His mantle was
laced with silver eels, and his locks were dropping with soups. He had
a crown of golden fishes upon his head, and pheasants' wings at his
shoulders. A flight of little tartlets fluttered about him, and the
sky rained down comfits. As I gazed on him, he vanished in a sigh,
that was impregnated with the fumes of brandy. Hey diddle diddle, the
cat and the fiddle.'