Allusions to _Attic salt_, when asked to pass the salt-cellar.
Remarks on the Inmates being _mustered_, etc., etc.
Associating baked beans with the _bene_factors of the Institution.
Saying that beef-eating is _befitting_, etc., etc.
The following are also prohibited, excepting to such Inmates as may have
lost their faculties and cannot any longer make Puns of their own:--
"----your own _hair_ or a wig"; "it will be _long enough_, "etc., etc.;
"little of its age," etc., etc.;--also, playing upon the following
words: _hos_pital; _mayor_; _pun_; _pitied_; _bread_; _sauce_, etc.,
etc., etc. See INDEX EXPURGATORIUS, _printed for use of Inmates_.
The subjoined Conundrum is not allowed:--Why is Hasty Pudding like the
Prince? Because it comes attended by its _sweet_;--nor this variation to
it, _to wit_: Because the _'lasses runs after it_.
The Superintendent, who went round with us, had been a noted punster in
his time, and well known in the business-world, but lost his customers
by making too free with their names,--as in the famous story he set
afloat in '29 of _four Jerries_ attaching to the names of a noted Judge,
an eminent Lawyer, the Secretary of the Board of Foreign Missions, and
the well-known Landlord at Springfield. One of the _four Jerries_, he
added, was of gigantic magnitude. The play on words was brought out
by an accidental remark of Solomons, the well-known Banker. "_Capital
punishment!_" the Jew was overheard saying, with reference to the guilty
parties. He was understood as saying, _A capital pun is meant_, which
led to an investigation and the relief of the greatly excited public
mind.
The Superintendent showed some of his old tendencies, as he went round
with us.
"Do you know"--he broke out all at once--"why they don't take steppes in
Tartary for establishing Insane Hospitals?"
We both confessed ignorance.
"Because there are _nomad_ people to be found there," he said, with a
dignified smile.
He proceeded to introduce us to different Inmates. The first was a
middle-aged, scholarly man, who was seated at a table with a Webster's
Dictionary and a sheet of paper before him.
"Well, what luck to-day, Mr. Mowzer?" said the Superintendent.
"Three or four only," said Mr. Mowzer. "Will you hear 'em now,--now I'm
here?"
We all nodded.
"Don't you see Webster _ers_ in the words cent_er_ and theat_er_?
"If he spells leather _lether_, and feather _fether_, isn't there danger
that he'll give us a _bad spell of weather_?
"Besides, Webster is a resurrectionist; he does not allow _u_ to rest
quietly in the _mould_.
"And again, because Mr. Worcester inserts an illustration in his text,
is that any reason why Mr. Webster's publishers should hitch one on in
their appendix? It's what I call a _Conntect-a-cut_ trick.
"Why is his way of spelling like the floor of an oven? Because it is
_under bread_.
"Mowzer!" said the Superintendent,--"that word is on the Index!"
"I forgot," said Mr. Mowzer;--"please don't deprive me of _Vanity Fair_,
this one time, Sir.
"These are all, this morning. Good day, Gentlemen. Then to the
Superintendent,--Add you, Sir!"
The next Inmate was a semi-idiotic-looking old man. He had a heap of
block-letters before him, and, as we came up, he pointed, without saying
a word, to the arrangements he had made with them on the table. They
were evidently anagrams, and had the merit of transposing the letters of
the words employed without addition or subtraction. Here are a few of
them:--
TIMES. SMITE!
POST. STOP!
TRIBUNE. TRUE NIB.
WORLD. DR. OWL.
ADVERTISER. (RES VERI DAT.
(IS TRUE. READ!
ALLOPATHY. ALL O' TH' PAY.
HOMEOPATHY. O, THE--! O! O, MY! PAH!
The mention of several new York papers led to two or three questions.
Thus: Whether the Editor of the Tribune was _H.G. really?_ If the
complexion of his politics were not accounted for by his being an
_eager_ person himself? Whether Wendell _Fillips_ were not a reduced
copy of John _Knocks?_ Whether a New York _Feuilletoniste_ is not the
same thing as a _Fellow down East?_
At this time a plausible-looking, bald-headed man joined us, evidently
waiting to take a part in the conversation.
"Good morning, Mr. Riggles," said the Superintendent. "Anything fresh
this morning? Any Conundrum?"
"I haven't looked at the cattle," he answered, dryly.
"Cattle? Why cattle?"
"Why, to see if there's any _corn under 'em!_" he said; and immediately
asked, "Why is Douglas like the earth?"
We tried, but couldn't guess.
"Because he was _flattened out at the polls!_" said Mr. Riggles.
"A famous politician, formerly," said the Superintendent. "His
grandfather was a _seize-Hessian-ist_ in the Revolutionary War. By the
way, I hear the _freeze-oil_ doctrines don't go down at New Bedford."
The next Inmate looked as if be might have been a sailor formerly.
"Ask him what his calling was," said the Superintendent.
"Followed the sea," he replied to the question put by one of us. "Went
as mate in a fishing-schooner."
"Why did you give it up?"
"Because I didn't like working for _two mast-ers_," he replied.
Presently we came upon a group of elderly persons, gathered about a
venerable gentleman with flowing locks, who was propounding questions to
a row of Inmates.
"Can any Inmate give me a motto for M. Berger?" he said.
Nobody responded for two or three minutes. At last one old man, whom I
at once recognized as a Graduate of our University, (Anno 1800,) held up
his hand.
"Rem a _cue_ tetigit."
"Go to the head of the Class, Josselyn," said the venerable Patriarch.
The successful Inmate did as he was told, but in a very rough way,
pushing against two or three of the Class.
"How is this?" said the Patriarch.
"You told me to go up _jostlin',_" he replied.
The old gentlemen who had been shoved about enjoyed the Pun too much to
be angry.