DOES MARRIAGE HELP A MAN?
In social life--In commercial life--In literary and artistic
life--Matrimony is a highly respectable institution.
Does marriage help a man?
Well, if he marries a rich wife, of course it does; but, you see, money
helps wherever it comes from, and so we must put this consideration out
of the question altogether.
Let us also say, and at once, too, that if a man finds happiness in
matrimony, marriage will help him, whatever his position may be; but
happiness helps wherever it comes from, and so we must put this
consideration out of the question also.
And before answering the question, or rather, before presenting
arguments both in the affirmative and in the negative, we must examine
the different positions that a man may occupy in life.
In commercial pursuits marriage will help a man. If money-making is the
chief concern of his life, an attentive, interested, saving wife will
enable a man to devote all his mind to business, and, by a careful
management of her house, will also enable him to amass wealth.
If a man holds a post of responsibility--a Government one, for example,
in the Diplomatic Service, in the Civil Service, in the Church, in the
university professions--a wife, possessed of attractive charms, amiable
and tactful, will help him; for let us remember that in England, as
well as in all countries where it is sought to always appoint the right
man in the right place, before deciding on a candidate for any
important vacant post, the first question that is asked is, 'What kind
of a wife has he got?' The kind of wife that will help such a man is
the one that will help him socially and diplomatically--by
wire-pulling, if you like.
Now, if interviewers set any value on their comfort--nay, on their
lives--I advise them to avoid this topic; for the question is not only
a very big one, but a very uncomfortable one indeed, considering that
the very men who are called upon to answer it must naturally be married
men.
To prove this, I will, in a few words, put down a little conversation I
quite recently had on the subject over a cup of tea with a charming
English lady.
'But,' she said, 'you do not answer my question--Does marriage help a
man?'
'Sometimes yes, sometimes no. It depends a great deal on the
profession, or the calling, of the man.'
'Well, a doctor, for instance?'
'Yes,' I said, 'marriage helps a doctor. It stamps him respectable, and
many women will not consult a doctor unless they know that he is a
married man; but white hair will help him quite as much.'
'That is not very promising,' said the lady.
'Well,' I replied, 'let us try again.'
'Surely women can do much to inspire, to encourage a man, whatever his
work may be?'
'Yes, a sympathetic woman can do a great deal; but it is very difficult
to quite determine what effect her help may have upon her husband's
work during the various critical periods of his career. There may have
been days when, without her encouragement, he would have lost faith in
himself, but such cases are rare. Then you speak of artists, of people
who live by praise, feed on it. I have known painters who looked for
and found such encouragement from their wives. On the other hand, I
have known others who sought solitude when at work, men who could not
have expressed their message unless alone with their art. I have known
authors who looked for inspiration from their wives, or thought they
did, and I have known others who could not do a stroke of work unless
they were absolutely left alone with their thoughts.'
'But if a wife makes a man happy, that alone surely helps him?'
'Of course it does; but the married man has far greater
responsibilities than the single one, and he may be obliged to produce
for the sake of filling many little hungry mouths. And another thing
you must remember that the single man can command the interest of a
great number of women who would not care to be interested in his wife,
and very few wives will realize that they may not be as interesting as
their husbands. This will cause trouble--unpleasantness, at least--and
stand in the way of a man's success.'
'Then,' said the lady, 'let us change the question. Does marriage
hamper a man?'
'Undoubtedly there are professions which seem to necessitate
bachelorhood, where marriage is not only no help, but a handicap. A
soldier, for instance, should not marry, for a married soldier, good
fighting-man though he may be, never can forget the wife, and perhaps
the little ones, at home.'
'I take it,' said my lady interlocutor, 'that you do not advocate
marriage for the rising poet, painter, dramatist, or novelist?'
'I do not advocate marriage for any man that is too susceptible or who
has the artistic temperament too strongly developed. The man who is
strong enough to achieve great things is strong enough to achieve them
alone--that is, unless he is fortunate enough to meet the exceptional
woman. Lord Byron said that nothing can inflict greater torture upon a
woman than the mere fact of loving a poet. This is not due to the
heartless or deliberate cruelty of the poet. He himself is to be pitied
for being a martyr, the slave of art. It is the natural depth of a
poet's emotions to fall in love with every lovely woman. The higher we
rise in the intellectual scale, says a modern writer, the more varied,
complex, and deep are the emotional groups which delight and torment
the soul. Mental work does not extinguish passions; it feeds the
flames, on the contrary, and unfits the brain-owner for matrimony. Only
people who have uneventful, almost humdrum, lives are good subjects for
matrimony and perfectly happy in marriage.'
'Then you do not admit the existence of the man who needs the quiet
sympathy of a good domestic wife before his art becomes fully
articulate?'
'No, because the artist constantly wants stimulants, and a domestic
life is not stimulating. Now, do not misunderstand me. Marriage can
make a man very happy, including the man with the strong artistic
temperament, but I don't think that it helps him. I have come across
hundreds of cases where artistic and literary efforts have been
checked, and sometimes killed outright, by the petty cares and worries
of domestic life. The brain-worker is very easily irked and tormented
by the most trivial things. He is irritable and most sensitive. I have
known literary men put right off their work for days simply because
devoted wives came into their studies, and, after giving them an
encouraging kiss, carried off their pens to make out their washing
list. I have known painters whose faculties were positively benumbed by
the presence of their wives. I have known dramatists who could never
set to work in earnest before they had sent their families into the
country or had themselves left home far behind them; and, mind you,
these men were all fond of their wives.'
'You are not encouraging.'
'Will you have a cup of tea?'
'Thank you, with pleasure; but does marriage----'
'Do you take sugar?'
'If you please; but are there not cases----'
'And cream?'
'Please. Now, tell me----'
'What I think of the Paris Exposition?'
'Before I go, can't you say something nice about matrimony?'
'Yes, madame: Matrimony is highly respectable.'