MAXIMS FOR THE MARRIED MAN
Keep your wife in order--How to deal with her (confidential).
If at the beginning of his married life a man cannot have enough
control over himself to see that his wife does not get her own way in
everything, and that he does not make himself her abject slave, he will
never be able to recover his liberty, and he is done for, condemned to
subjection for the rest of his natural life. The beginning of wisdom is
to keep your wife in order.
No Government has ever been known to successfully suppress, or even
reduce, any liberty or privilege previously granted to the people. If a
man capitulates on the threshold of matrimony, he will never be able to
recover one inch of the ground he has surrendered. In fact, a man has
to be as careful to avoid spoiling a wife as he would a child, and that
for her sake as well as for his own.
To be happy, for instance, a woman does not require the constant
presence of her husband. On the contrary, she will enjoy his company
very much more if he and she are not always thrown together.
I know men who, from the beginning of their married lives, visited
their clubs, enjoyed men's company, while remaining very devoted to
their wives and making them very happy.
But if a man waits ten years to decide on belonging to a club, he will
soon discover the terrible mistake he has made. His visits to that club
will be treated like perfect acts of unfaithfulness, reproaches will
begin, followed by sulking, and the famous sentence will be uttered,
'You love me no more.'
To be happy, matrimonial life must be uniform. Every change must be
discreet, gradual, and for the better. You have to keep a fire alive
for the length of your natural life; see that your cellar is well
stocked and the fuel used discriminately and economically.
Control your love and your ardour. If at the beginning you are too
attentive, and do such things as you know you cannot do for ever, look
out! The slightest inattention will take the most gigantic proportions.
Some men, good diplomatists, carry this principle the length of
objecting to being their wives' lovers, simply because they know they
cannot always be lovers, and that the day they cease to be lovers they
will be considered perfect criminals.
Therefore, my friend, control yourself sufficiently to restrain your
_epanchements_ so cleverly that your wife may be led to believe
that you love her more and more every day. Remember that you enter the
holy estate of matrimony with a certain capital of love. The whole
happiness of your married life will depend on the way you use that
capital.
Live on the interest.
If you touch the capital, you are bound to become bankrupt sooner or
later.
Married life is a comedy (sometimes, alas! a tragedy) in several acts.
Like in a play, avoid putting into the first act of your married life
all your strongest situations and all your smartest dialogue, for fear
lest the interest should go on flagging steadily to the end.
The clever dramatist is invariably satisfied with writing a quiet and
sober first act. No situations of any strength are required. He makes
his audience thoroughly acquainted with his characters.
Then the action begins, and the climax is never reached before the end
of the last act but one. A genius sometimes gives it in the last act.
The intelligent husband should bear this in mind and do the same.
The first act of matrimony should be a careful and sympathetic study of
character, the laying down of a little plan of campaign full of
considerate concessions and well-conceived resolutions.
It is only after at least ten years of matrimony that a climax should
be reached, when the man is above forty, in the full possession of his
manly powers, when the woman is above thirty, in the full possession of
her glorious womanly charms, when both are sure of each other and tried
friends.
Then, and then only, they can allow themselves to be lovers in the full
meaning of the word. They will be able to enjoy that great bliss if
they have not made the mistake of trying too soon.
The epicure, like the diplomatist, is the one who knows how to wait.
In matrimony it is not 'All is well that ends well': it is All is well
that begins well, and not too well.
* * * * *
Don't read at mealtime in the presence of your wife, not even the
newspaper at breakfast. Converse with her pleasantly; it will help to
make her cheerful for the day; it will also help your digestion. The
market may have gone down, and the reading of your newspaper may spoil
your appetite.
If at night your room is lighted by the means of one lamp only, don't
bring that lamp just behind you in order to read your paper
comfortably. See that your wife is not compelled to do her needlework
in the dark. You do not perhaps realize that women are not all cats and
cannot all of them see in darkness.
Let your wife show and prove she loves you, but never let her tell it
you. On the contrary, tell her all day long, if you choose. She will
never tire of hearing you telling her; she will spend her life
listening to you telling her.
If your wife loses her temper, keep cool as a cucumber and enjoy the
scene. The effect will be marvellous and instantaneous.
If you are of a jealous disposition, take all the precautions in the
world that your wife may not see it, for it will make her so proud that
she may give you serious reasons for indulging in it. If you are
suspicious, be a diplomatist and hide it from her; for if she does not
deserve your suspicions, she will naturally resent it, and if she does,
it will only make a hypocrite of her.
Quarrel with your wife, but never bore her. Never fidget, never fuss,
and never sulk. If she is late keeping an appointment, don't scold,
don't make yourself unpleasant. Tell her it's much better to have her
late than not at all. Next time go without her. The cure is infallible.
If she is late coming down, take it for granted that she is trying to
look her best for you. Feel flattered and show your gratitude. Remember
that the modern _coming_ woman is the one who says she will be ready in
ten minutes. Laugh at it, make fun of it, crack a joke on it, but never
let a woman suppose that, in your manly grandeur, you can lose your
temper, even your equanimity, for such trifles.
Never appear to be idle in your house, in the morning especially. If
you have nothing to do, go to your study, your library, or any other
'growlery'; inform your wife that you have to be very busy all the
morning, and will she be kind enough to see that you are not disturbed?
Then lock the door, light a cigar, and take a paper or a book, and be
fearfully busy all the time. Your wife, being busy herself all the
morning, giving orders and preparing the programme of the day, will be
grateful to you for being out of the way, and think all the more of you
for being so busy.
Whenever you do your wife a favour, make her a present, etc., never
remind her of it. Gratitude, like love, is not to be had for the
asking. What a woman admires most in a man is generosity, and to remind
anyone of a favour is not generous. It looks like asking to be paid for
a service.
When you lend money to your wife, never ask for the return of the loan.
She would think it shabby of you. If she should return it (there are
some extraordinary women), give it back to her in the shape of a jewel
or any other thing that may be a fair representative of the value. She
will say of you, 'My husband is a gentleman,' and this will cost you
nothing, as you had made up your mind to the loss of that loan.
When your wife puts on a new gown, a new hat, or any new garment, never
fail to notice it at once. She will appreciate an act which proves to
her that your interest in her is keenly alive.
Never do unto your wife what, as a gentleman, you would never think of
doing to any lady of your acquaintance, such as to enter a room before
her, meet her in the street without taking off your hat, etc.
If your wife should ever appear in your presence with curlers on, or
in any way she would sternly refuse to appear before a stranger, do
not reprove her, but shame her by the irreproachableness of your
appearance. Therefore, treat her as you want her to treat you. If she
is intelligent, she will take the hint at once. Never put on slippers,
a smoking-cap, spectacles, and such remedies for love. Always be
freshly shaved, and let your _neglige_ at home be as carefully put on
as your best dress coat. Love feeds on even such trifles as these in
the case of people of a refined and artistic temperament.
Never interfere with the liberty and independence of your wife, and
never allow her to interfere with yours. Let her correspondence be
sacred to you as yours to her. Mutual confidence and 'Liberty Hall'
should be the motto of matrimony.