'For God's sake give me a drink of whisky and soda to wash my heart
down; it's been in my mouth all day,' said Fitzgerald, clattering
into the room in his war panoply, his sword clanking against his
spurs, and throwing himself into my favorite easy chair.
'What's the matter?' I asked, as I filled him a three-finger drink
and put the decanter and siphon beside him.
'What! Haven't you heard the news, you benighted heathen? Why, the
whole country's ringing with it.'
'Cease to praise your own exploits, and trot out your story,' I said
firmly, 'or I'll take away the whisky.'
'Well,' he began, after draining his glass at a draught, 'from
information received, as they say in the force, I learnt yesterday
that there had been the beginnings of a pretty little fight up in the
near end of Robertson's district. And I knew that he was due at the
Assizes at the other end of the County to-day, so I thought I'd keep
my eye on the case for him.
'It seems that up in that part there is a spot where the two counties
meet and also the boundaries of two large properties. By a mistake
in the survey at some time a strip of field just there was omitted:
the county line runs down the middle of it, but it is claimed by
neither of the landowners. It is mere rushy land, not worth ten
shillings an acre, and of no account to a rich man, but to the
half-starved peasant of these parts even that much grass is a perfect
treasure-trove.
'Under these circumstances the tenants of the two nearest cabins on
either side of the field have been accustomed by tacit agreement to
look upon this strip as their own property. Each took the county
line as the boundary or marin of his claim, and each mowed his own
half. But the one that came first generally encroached a little, and
stole as much of his neighbor's grass as he thought he could with
safety. Of recent years this habit had increased, and led to
considerable jealousy between the two men; and as the land belonged
to nobody except by prescriptive right, it became more or less of a
public question in the district, and the men of each county espoused
the cause of their respective champions.
'Well, yesterday morning, as luck would have it, both men took it
into their heads to mow their piece on the same day, and both arrived
on the ground together. They eyed each other suspiciously: then they
started mowing at the two extremities opposite each other and began
to race for the middle of the field, each determined to see that the
other did not trespass on his portion.
'The faster mower arrived first, and in his haste appropriated a
scytheful of his neighbor's grass, which was easy to do, as nothing
but an imaginary line divided the two halves of the field.
'Directly afterwards the other man came opposite him and saw what had
occurred, and a black scowl gathered upon his face. He stooped down
and picked up a stone against which his scythe-blade had just rasped:
he spat on it and put it carefully upon the middle of the imaginary
line, then he said:
'"That's the marin, Larry Scanlan, and that's my mark. Stir a fut
acrost it agin, if ye darr, an' I'll stretch ye as dacint a corp as
ever ye seen."
'"Ah," replied the other, roused by this insult, "give me any more ov
yer lip, Con Doherty, an I'll jist dhraw me han' an' hit yous a skelp
that ull knock ye endways from here to Ameriky."
'They glared fiercely at each other, and having thus crowed their
mutual defiance, there seemed nothing left to do but to fight.
'But each looked at the scythe in the hands of the other, and
hesitated to begin the fray. The ideal scythe-blade is not smooth
and sharp: such would soon lose its edge and be a cause of bad
language to its owner. But the scythe that delights the mower's
heart has a ripple like the teeth of a saw ground down, that grips
the grass-stalks and shears straight through them. A heavy blade
like this would drive through cloth and flesh and bone, and lop off
limbs as a pruning-knife lops twigs. It is a formidable weapon in a
row. Each man pondered the unknown quantity of how far his neighbor
would be prepared to go if his blood were up. Meanwhile the
situation lagged.
'Doherty was the smaller man and already regretted his rash
procedure. As he gazed round to the earth and sky for inspiration
his eye lit upon his brother digging potatoes in the adjoining field,
and thoughts of reinforcements came to him.
'"Come over here a minute, Roger," he shouted, "I want ye."
'Roger came with his spade. And a neighbor that was passing by sat
upon the wall to watch the fight.
'"Now," said Con triumphantly, "quit the groun', or we'll scarify ye."
'But Scanlan scented an opportunity to base his private quarrel on
the grounds of public principle, and said to the neighbor, who
fortunately lived on the same side of the marin as himself:
'"Shure now, Father, ye wudn't stan' by an say a man av yer own
county putt upon by them dhirty land-grabbin' furriners."
'Peter looked at the group and saw that Larry was the biggest of the
three. He was not above having "a bit ov fun," so long as he was
likely to be on the winning side. He had his spade with him also.
So he spat on his hands, grasped the handle, and ranged himself on
the side of his county, saying briefly:
'"I'll stan' by ye, Larry."
'So once more the situation had arrived at a deadlock. The advantage
lay with neither side. But the delay had allowed the blood of the
two original combatants to cool, and their thoughts turned upon
strategy. After a few more mutual recriminations they separated by
tacit consent, and each went his way, muttering darkly to himself:
'"Wait till the morra, an' we'll see what yous ull luke like thin."
'But when two men hit upon a plan, whose methods of life and grooves
of thought have been the same from their birth upward, it is likely
that the ideas of both will be very similar. So that night the fiery
cross, as it were, ran through the surrounding district on both sides
of the border ... This morning at the hush of dawn a murmur arose on
each side of the field in dispute. And the sun shed its first rays
upon a hundred men sitting upon the stone ditch on one side of the
field, and a hundred upon the other. Each side gazed in blank
surprise to find its idea anticipated. And all through the forenoon
men came dropping in by twos and threes, armed with their scythes, to
reinforce their own party and reap the grass for their county.
'About twelve o'clock two boys came to me within a few minutes of
each other with a message to "Come up to Doherty's marin at wanst, or
there'll be could murther done."
'I thought two messengers argued great urgency, and set off in hot
haste with my four-and-twenty policemen. When we arrived upon the
ground we found a full couple of thousand men sitting on each ditch
facing each other. I drew up my forces in the middle of the field
between them, facing both ways, felt like Leonidas, and wished myself
somewhere else.
'But neither party took the slightest notice of our presence. They
sat on their respective walls and went on shouting their challenges
across our heads as though we did not exist. One man would shout:
'"Ah, come over here, Tim Daly, an' I'll put a face on ye that yer
own mother wudn't know ye."
'And the other side would reply:
'"Wait till I come te you, ye yelpin' cub, an' I'll stritch yer mouth
both ways roun' yer head."
'Both parties waited and nothing occurred.
'At last the situation began to dawn upon me. Neither of them cared
a damn for me and my policemen, but each faction had too healthy a
respect for the strength of the other to take the first step. And
then the meaning of the two messengers also became plain--one had
been despatched by either side at the same time both desiring an
honorable retreat from the difficult position into which they had got
themselves. For nowadays even Irishmen are not used to a faction
fight in which the combatants upon either side number two thousand
strong and are armed with scythes. The situation was too big for
their stomachs, and each man said to himself, as he gazed upon the
black mass gathered at the other side of the field, "This job is a
bit too thick. I wish I was safe at home."
'Now a novice, as soon as he discovered the position of affairs,
would have thought everything quite safe, and would consequently have
made a mess of it. But I know these people thoroughly: I have
lived--'
'Cut the cackle,' I said, 'and continue the story. We'll take all
your perfections as read.'
'Well, as I was saying, when you interrupted me so rudely, I knew
that because I had fathomed the situation we were not necessarily
safe out of it. If but a spark were added to their combativeness, we
were in for the biggest fight that I had seen in my time, and between
the two we police would be the first to suffer.
'So I walked warily. I waited until one of the men came to a well
near us for a drink of water. Then I called him, and after several
other questions about the condition of affairs, I asked him the name
of the leader upon the other side.
'Directly he had gone back to his fellows, I walked towards the
opposite crowd and asked for Larry Scanlan.
'He came out to meet me, and I said to him,
'"I've done my best, but Doherty's men are simply raging for a fight,
and I can't keep them in hand a minute longer. For God's sake, draw
off your party, or I won't answer for the consequences: they'll eat
you up body and bones."
'The man went a grayish green, shaking with terror, and said, "For
the luv of Mary, sir, don't let us be murthered. What will we do at
ahl?"
'Then I said that if they were out of sight of their opponents my
task would be easier: if they withdrew in a body to the next ditch
when I waved my handkerchief I would reason with Doherty's men, and
would be able to bring him their proposals for an agreement.
'Scanlan consented, and I went over to the opposite side, drew an
equally terrifying picture of the bloodthirsty eagerness of their
adversaries, and made the same arrangement.
'Then I returned to my devoted corps, waved my handkerchief, and Hey,
Presto! not a man was to be seen anywhere.
'I waited patiently for five minutes, and then sent a couple of my
men to reconnoitre. They returned and reported that when they
arrived at the second ditch in each direction not a figure was to be
seen on the whole countryside. As soon as they had got out of sight
of the enemy both armies had fled swiftly, every man to his own home.
'Well, I wasn't going to leave the occasion of offence behind me, so
I drew a line down the centre of the field from marin stone to marin
stone, sent into the surrounding parts and hired a dozen mowers, and
in three hours I had that field mown and the grass gathered upon
either hand with a space of twelve yards between; and if they like to
go back and fight over it now, they can fight: for I'm not going to
interfere again. I've had enough of them.'
'And what are you going to get out of all this heroism and
astuteness?' I asked.
'I? Oh if it ever comes to the ears of the authorities, I shall get
a slating for interfering outside my own district, and I consider I
richly deserve it. As it is I have already got out of it a beautiful
thirst, that I wouldn't sell for half-a-crown. Give us another
drink, old man.'
'And how much of that story is true?' I asked, 'and how much is your
tropical imagination?'
'That,' said he, 'is for you to decide, my boy,' and he deliberately
winked his left eye at me.