_THE BRAWLER._
"As empty vessels make the loudest sound, so they that have the
least wit are the loudest babblers."--PLATO.
This is a Talker whose characteristic consists in the possession of
sound lungs and sonorous voice. He is particularly jealous of their
failure, and hence, as a means of their preservation, he keeps them in
good exercise. "Practice makes perfect;" and believing in this maxim, he
uses his vocal functions without squeamish regard to the possibility of
their decline. One would imagine from the volume and strength of
tongue-power put forth in his conversation that he considered his
hearers stone deaf. He does not in fact talk but proclaim. I doubt not
that he is sometimes guilty of this outrage from vanity, because he
thinks what he has to say is of such vast importance; or he has his own
person in such veneration, that he believes nothing which concerns him
can be insignificant to anybody else. I do not wonder that some people
have had the drum of their ears seriously affected by his brawling. Nor
is it surprising that old maids have been thrown into hysterics, and
little children scared out of their wits by his vociferousness. Nor
should it be set down as a thing extraordinary that strong-nerved men
have found it expedient to insist either upon a reduction of the wind in
the organ, or a stoppage of the instrument altogether, or a hasty exit
of their persons from his presence.
As a preventive of these calamities in the future, and as a means of
restoring this unfortunate talker into his proper position in the ranks
of modern polite and intelligent society, I have been led to search in
my books for a cure of his fault, and I have discovered the following in
the _Spectator_:--
".... Plutarch tells us that Caius Gracchus, the Roman, was frequently
hurried by his passions into so loud and tumultuous a way of speaking,
and so strained his voice as not to be able to proceed. To remedy this
excess, he had an ingenious servant, by name Licinius, always attending
him with a pitch-pipe, or instrument to regulate the voice; who,
whenever he heard his master begin to be high, immediately touched a
soft note, at which, 'tis said, Caius would presently abate and grow
calm.
"Upon recollecting this story, I have frequently wondered that this
useful instrument should have been so long discontinued, especially
since we find that this good office of Licinius has preserved his memory
for many hundred years, which, methinks, should have encouraged some one
to revive it, if not for the public good, yet for his own credit. It may
be objected that our loud talkers are so fond of their own noise that
they would not take it well to be checked by their servants. But
granting this to be true, surely any of their hearers have a very good
title to play a soft note in their own defence. To be short, no Licinius
appearing, and the noise increasing, I was resolved to give this late
long vacation to the good of my country; and I have at length, by the
assistance of an ingenious artist (who works for the Royal Society),
almost completed my design, and shall be ready in a short time to
furnish the public with what number of these instruments they please,
either to lodge at coffee-houses, or carry for their own private use. In
the meantime I shall pay that respect to several gentlemen, who I know
will be in danger of offending against this instrument, to give them
notice of it by private letters, in which I shall only write, 'Get a
Licinius.'
"I had almost forgotten to inform you that as an improvement in this
instrument, there will be a particular note, which I shall call a
hush-note; and that is to be made use of against a long story, swearing,
obsceneness, and the like."