Paul. What! Between grown-ups?
Virginia. Why not? It's just those little pleasant things that keep life
sweet.
Zack. I used to get a bag of humbugs when I was a tiny lad.
Virginia. Oh, we keep on doing it at home and I shall do it here. Only I
want a ha'penny from you first.
Zack. A ha'penny!
Virginia. My present cuts, and so you'll have to pay me for it to keep
bad luck away. Ha'penny, please, (_She holds hand out._)
Zack (_rather hurt at having to confess_). I haven't got a ha'penny,
Jenny.
Virginia. What, have you spent last Saturday's wages already? It's only
Tuesday.
Zack. I don't get any wages.
Paul. We've given up trusting Zack with money. He lost a shilling on the
day you came.
Virginia. Oh dear, then what's to be done? I know. You give Zack the
ha'penny for a birthday present. Then he can give it me.
Paul. What is your present, Jenny?
Virginia. It's a shaving-set.
Paul. Zack's no use for shaving. He's never shaved in his life.
Virginia. His beard looks that kind of beard. That's why I want him to
begin. Give him the ha'penny, Paul. Paul. Oh, it'll not matter. Zack
isn't superstitious. Virginia. But I am. All decent-minded women are.
And I won't cut my friendship for Zack.
Paul. Well, if you insist. (_Taking coins from pocket._) Oh, no good.
I've got no change.
Virginia. You've got a sixpence there. That will do. (_She takes it and
hands it Zack._) There you are, Zack. Now you give it me and I'll get
your present from upstairs.
Paul. But--Jenny--sixpence!
(_Mrs. Munning opens door l. and enters with James Abbott, a pleasant
gentleman, dressed in good country clothes._)
(_The little episode is suspended. Paul becomes the shopman with a
customer. Zack stands away and Virginia sits on the pile of wood._)
Mrs. Munning. Paul.
Paul. Good morning, Mr. Abbott.
Abbott. Good morning, Munning.
Mrs. Munning. Mr. Abbott's called to settle his account, Paul.
Paul. Account! You are prompt, sir. I only sent it out last night.
Abbott. Any objections to prompt settlement, Munning? (_Paying out notes
and gold._)
Paul. Not at all. I only wish I could find everybody so quick at paying.
(_Paul writes receipt at table._)
Abbott. It's like this, Munning. When I'm satisfied I believe in showing
it, and paying promptly is my way of showing that you've pleased me.
Mrs. Munning. I'm very glad to hear that, Mr. Abbott.
Abbott. And I'm glad too, for I don't mind telling you now it's over
that I had my doubts. The last once or twice that I've attended weddings
where you did the catering I've not been well impressed at all. There's
been a harshness, Munning, and when I got married I was in two minds
about putting it with you or going to those people over at Norton Parva.
Wilson's, isn't it?
Paul. Yes.
(_Paul comes out with receipt, which Abbott takes and pockets._)
Abbott. But I decided to support a neighbour and you rewarded me for
it. There was a--I don't know how you'd put it in words--a very pleasant
atmosphere. I wanted things to go well.
Paul. Naturally, sir.
Abbott. But I've no complaints at all. It went off with a--a
sprightliness. Yes. Sunny's the word.
Mrs. Munning. Thank you very much, Mr. Abbott.
Abbott. But mind you, Mrs. Munning, you don't always do it.
Paul. I'm sure we try to make no difference.
Abbott. You don't always succeed as you did for me. There was a jolly
feeling that I'm sure has not been there for some time past. Still, I
was pleased, and I've told others I was pleased.
Paul. Thanks very much. We _have_ had more orders in this last
fortnight.
Abbott. Well, I daresay some of them are due to me. Don't let me down
now I've been recommending you. I can get out this way?
Zack (_opening door_). Yes, Mr. Abbott.
Abbott (_ignoring him, to Paul_). Good-day, Munning.
Paul and Mrs. Munning. Good-day, sir.
(_Exit Abbott._)
Mrs. Munning. Well, here's a change.
Paul. He's not the first who's talked like that these last few times.
But why they do it is a mystery to me.
Mrs. Munning. I've got a guess. Jenny, you've brought us luck.
Virginia. I?
Mrs. Munning. It's since you came that things have taken this turn.
Virginia. I'm very glad to hear it aunt,
Mrs. Munning. You've been a blessing to us.
Paul. I think I'll send some more accounts out, mother. They might fetch
other people's money in like Mr. Abbott's.
Virginia. Oh yes. I'm in your way here.
Mrs. Munning. And you're not. You're never in the way.
Paul. As if I'd mean a thing like that to you, Virginia.
Virginia. But I was just going, aunt. I've something upstairs that I
want to bring for Zack.
Mrs. Munning. Zack?
Virginia. You'd forgotten it's his birthday.
(_Paul sits at the table._)
Mrs. Munning. No, I hadn't, Jenny. Mothers don't forget a thing like
that. But I'd not seen cause to mention it.
Virginia. I'll get Zack's present. (_She opens door._) By the way,
wasn't it at Mr. Abbott's wedding that Zack began to go again?
Mrs. Munning. I fancy it was.
Virginia. And he's been going to the others since?
Mrs. Munning. Yes. But he's still on trial. Why, Jenny?
Virginia. I only wondered.
(_Exit Virginia._)
Paul. Get on with your work, Zack.
Zack. Yes, Paul. (_He turns the handle once or twice, and is then
occupied testing the result._)
Mrs. Munning. Come here a minute, Paul. You're not that busy.
Paul. I'm not busy at all. I just made a show of it before Virginia. A
good thing she heard him talk like that.
Mrs. Munning. I'll tell you something better for the business than Mr.
Abbott's talk.
Paul. If you'll tell me what it is that makes people say one thing of
us one week and change their minds the next, you'll be doing me a good
turn.
Mrs. Munning. I'll do you a better turn. I'd a chat with Virginia in her
room last night.
Paul. I heard your voices going late. You kept me awake.
Mrs. Munning. Well, it was worth it, Paul. I knew they were well off,
but there's more than I thought. The girl's got money of her own besides
her mother's.
(_Zack turns the handle._)
Paul. Some folk get all the luck.
Mrs. Munning. Well?
Paul. Well what?
Mrs. Munning. Don't you take me, Paul?
(_Zack works the machine. Mrs. Munning turns on him._)
Oh, will you hush your noise, Zack? Get away out of this while I talk to
Paul.
Zack (_going l._). Yes, mother.
Paul. Go round to Bealey's and ask him if those nails have come. Don't
be all day.
Zack. No, Paul. (_He turns to door and goes out._)
Mrs. Munning. Look here, Paul, you could do a lot to this business if
you had the capital. We could start a temperance hotel and give up the
joinery altogether. Zack could clean boots.
Paul. Aye. If----
Mrs. Munning. She's got it.
Paul. Well for her.
Mrs. Munning. You're not slow to see your interests as a rule.
Paul. Slow? I'd call it quick myself and very quick. I've known the girl
a fortnight.
Mrs. Munning. Oh, you do see what I'm driving at.
Paul. I saw it days ago.
Mrs. Munning. And anything the matter with it?
Paul. Only Virginia.
Mrs. Munning. What's wrong with her?
Paul. She don't show willing.
Mrs. Munning. Have you asked?
Paul. Asked? I haven't. It's not a thing to rush at, mother. I've to
look at every side before I take a leap like that.
Mrs. Munning. What are you frightened of?
Paul. I wouldn't like to get refused. I don't so much as know she thinks
of me at all.
Mrs. Munning. And what do you think I'm doing all these days? I've done
nothing else but keep you in her mind. She knows it all from A to Z.
Why, only yesterday I gave her the Bible to look at, and you know what's
written in the front of it. There's every prize you ever won at school
on record with the date and----
Paul. And what she found in the Bible was that it's Zack's birthday
to-day and she's giving him a present.
Mrs. Munning. Well, she's got a kind heart. I saw her give a beggar
sixpence yesterday.
Paul. That isn't kindness. It's extravagance, and I've no taste for a
wife who throws her money away.
Mrs. Munning. She couldn't throw it if she hadn't got it first. And I'd
trust you to let her know that charity begins at home when she's your
wife.
Paul. There's something in that.
Mrs. Munning. There's all in it. I say we've got a golden chance, and I
don't know what you're shirking for. Our luck's well in all round with
people talking sensibly about us and the orders coming in.
Paul. That's not to say Virginia _'_ull have me.
Mrs. Munning. You'll get to know by asking, Paul. And I tell you she's
ripe for it.
Paul. Ripe?
Mrs. Munning. The girl's in love. She's got the signs of it all over
her. It only needs a bit of enterprise from you, and all's as good as
done.
Paul. I've seen no signs of love. She's got a thumping appetite, if
that's your meaning.
Mrs. Munning. Where's your eyes? The girl's another creature since she's
been with us.
Paul. The country air did that. I thought love made them pale.
Mrs. Munning. Quit talking, Paul. Are you in love with any other girl?
Paul. What, me in love? I've got more sense.
Mrs. Munning. Then marry Virginia.
Paul. All right. I'll try.
(_Enter Virginia. She has a small brown-papered parcel._)
Virginia. Oh! is Zack not here?
Mrs. Munning. He's gone out on an errand. Did you want him?
Virginia. Yes. To give him this. But it will do later. (_She turns
away._)
Mrs. Munning. Oh, don't go, Jenny.
Virginia. But Paul's busy here.
Mrs. Munning. Paul's never too busy to have some time for you. But I've
got to see Sally myself, so I'll leave you two together.
(_Exit Mrs. Munning._)
Paul. I'll make you comfortable here. (_He fusses at the chairs and
places one for her._)
Virginia. Oh, please don't trouble, Paul.
Paul. There's no trouble about it, Jenny. It's always a pleasure to do
things for you.
Virginia. Why, Paul, I didn't know.
Paul. Know what?
Virginia. That you did things for me.
Paul. You didn't? Well, I haven't boasted up to now.
Virginia. No. Then it's you, and I've been thinking it was Zack.
Paul. Thought what was Zack?
Virginia. I thought Zack brought the roses that I'm always finding in my
room and----
Paul (_uneasy, but bluffing_). Zack? Did you ever see him doing it?
Virginia. No. And it was you. (_Hand out._) Paul, I apologize.
Paul. Apologize? For what? (_He touches her hand._)
Virginia. I imagined you too businesslike to think of doing anything
like that.
Paul. Well, Jenny, you were wrong that time. I've got an eye to
business, but I'm not quite blind to other things. I've eyes to see the
roses coming to your cheeks to match the roses in your room.
Virginia. Yes. I do look better for my stay with you, don't I?
Paul. It's working wonders, Jenny. The country is the place for you.
Virginia. I shall be sorry to go.
Paul. Oh, that's too bad. To talk of going.
Virginia. Not yet, of course.
Paul. And not at all, if I'd my way.
Virginia. Not at all?
Paul. Are you so set on towns?
Virginia. I live in one.
Paul. Yes, but I wonder why. It beats me why you and your mother want to
live in ugliness with noise and bad air, Jenny. Where's the need for it?
Virginia. Friends. Associations. That's all.
Paul. You'd never want for friends anywhere.
Virginia. But I've to think of mother. She's like an old tree, firmly
rooted and she's hard to move. So we stay where we are.
Paul. And you'll grow ill again.
Virginia. Oh no. I shall be all right now.
Paul. You'd be better here.
Virginia. I can't stay here for ever.
Paul. We might find out a way, Jenny.
Virginia. How?
Paul. Don't you see? (_Takes her hand._)
Virginia. Paul! I never thought of this.
Paul. I've thought of nothing else since I set eyes on you.
Virginia (_withdrawing hand_). But I must think a little now and--and
confess.
Paul. Confess! You mean that in the town----
Virginia. Not in the town, Paul. Here!
Paul. You don't mean----
Virginia. Yes. I thought I was so clever and could see what you and aunt
were blind to. It was just a bad mistake, but I have had Zack in my mind
a lot. So much, Paul, that I didn't think of you, or if I did it was as
something not quite---- I liked Zack, and I fancied you were wrong to
make so little of him. Why, even now, when Mr. Abbott came to say how
pleased he'd been and you were puzzled at it all, I thought I'd guessed
the cause and put it down to Zack.
Paul. Well--that's a queer idea.
Virginia. I know it must seem queer to you. I'm sorry I was stupid,
Paul. Of course you must know best, living with Zack for all these
years. But--isn't it just a little hard to keep him without money?
Paul. You don't know all the truth. We do. We've had experience of Zack.
Virginia. Yes. I suppose I'm being rash again.
Paul. I think we've got the size of him, Virginia. He's bone-lazy.
Virginia. Yes.
Paul. Well, that's Zack. But I was talking of myself--and you.
Virginia. You'll have to give me time for that, please, Paul. I made a
false start and I have to see things all over again before I get them
right.
Paul. You're not convinced that Zack's a fool.
Virginia. I have your word now, Paul. But that doesn't quite mean that
I--I--
Paul. That you love me.
Virginia. It doesn't follow, does it, Paul?
Paul. I hoped it might.
Virginia. Some day, when I'm used to knowing that it's you who've done
the little things that made me happy here, it might come, Paul. I cannot
say just yet.
(_The door c. is burst open violently and Joe Wrigley stands in the
doorway. Behind him, both very reluctant, are Zack and Martha. Joe is a
big man, with his left arm in a sling. He is strong in body and purpose,
and has a useful gift of sly humour. He can dominate, and in the ensuing
scene, he does. He advances. Zack closes the door, and he and Martha try
to look effaced in the background._)
Wrigley. Good morning.
Paul. Wrigley!
Wrigley. That's me.
Paul. Get out of this. There's nothing here for you. Wrigley. I beg to
differ, Mr. Paul. We've things to settle here, have you and me.
Paul. Well, you can't settle them now. I'm busy. Wrigley. I'm not, and
so I'll wait your pleasure. Paul. I've finished with you, Wrigley.
Wrigley. No, you haven't, Mr. Paul. You only think you have.
Virginia. I'd better go, Paul.
Paul. No. I'll get rid of him.
Wrigley. When things are settled, you'll get rid of me. And not before.
Paul. You're trespassing in here. I tell you to get out.
Wrigley. You'll do yourself no good by quarrelling. It's him I've come
about. Him and her. Your Zack and my Martha.
Paul. Zack? What about him?
Wrigley. They've got to be married.
Paul. What!
Virginia. Oh, how horrid! (_She turns away._)
Zack (_following her_). No, no! Please, Virginia! It isn't true.
Wrigley (_growling_). What isn't true?
Zack. I mean you're twisting it.
Wrigley. You're going to marry her.
Zack. Yes. If you say so, but you make it sound so bad the way you're
putting it. I mean, you'll make Virginia think that I----
Wrigley. And who cares what she thinks?
Zack. I care, Mr. Wrigley, I do indeed.
Wrigley. Oh! Then you're blacker than I took you for. Carrying on with
two young women at once.
Virginia. Upon my word!
Wrigley. It's he that said he cared, miss. It wasn't me.
Paul. Let's have this from the beginning, Wrigley.
Wrigley. Beginning? I reckon this began when the Lord made him a male
and her a female.
Paul. Oh yes. That's very funny, but----
Wrigley. It's not. There's nothing funny in the ways of sex. They've
been the worry of the world for ever since the world grew bigger than
the Garden of Eden, and if you think they're funny, you've a lot to
learn.
Paul. Wrigley, do you know who you're speaking to?
Wrigley. Aye. Brother of my future son-in-law. Makes you a kind of
sideways son of mine yourself.
Paul. We'll have this tale from Zack if you won't tell it straight.
Wrigley. I'd rather; and I'll just be here to know he tells it straight.
(_Wrigley sits._)
Paul. Now, Zack. No. Wait a minute. Mother had best be in at this.
(_Opening door._) Mother!
Virginia. And I had better not. (_She follows to door._)
Paul. Are you afraid to know the worst of him? (_Call-ing._) Mother!
Mrs. Munning (_off_). I'm coming, Paul.
Virginia. Oh, Zack, Zack, I am so disappointed in you.
Zack. I meant no harm, Virginia. It's a thing that's grown from nothing
like, and I don't know how it grew so fast.
Mrs. Munning (_entering_). What is it, Paul?
Paul. Zack and Joe Wrigley's girl. Now go on, Zack. What have you done?
Zack. I've got to speak it out before you all and with Virginia hearing,
too?
Virginia. I'll go.
Paul. Why should you?
Virginia. Because I prefer it, Paul.
(_Exit Virginia._)
Mrs. Munning. We're waiting, Zack.
Zack. Well, there isn't much to tell that you don't know about, mother.
Mrs. Munning. I!
Zack. You started the whole thing off.
Mrs. Munning. When?
Zack. You mind that day when Martha came to tell us Joe had broke his
arm and Martha took on so in our parlour.
Mrs. Munning. Well?
Zack. Well, that's it.
Mrs. Munning. That!
Zack. Yes. You came in when I was trying to console her and----
Mrs. Munning. I caught you kissing her, if that's what you mean.
Wrigley. Ah! That's a point. I'd been waiting for that to come.
Zack. I know I kissed her, but it wasn't a meaning kiss. She was
blubbing and she wouldn't hush and so I kissed her like I'd kiss a baby
to console it.
Wrigley. You kissed her. That's enough.
Zack. But it weren't for pleasure, Mr. Wrigley. She was too wet.
Mrs. Munning. He kissed her all right. I saw it. What about it?
Wrigley. He's got to marry her. That's all.
Mrs. Munning. Now what has kissing a girl to do with marriage?
Wrigley. A lot. He's going to marry her because you said so.
Mrs. Munning. I?
Zack. That's the trouble, mother. You did say something, joking like.
You said, "When's the wedding?" and I joked back and said, "About a
month," and Martha took it serious and told her father, and he told
other people and it's all over the village. It's expected of me now, and
I suppose----
Mrs. Munning. Be quiet, Zack.
Zack. You told me to tell you.
Mrs. Munning. Keep your mouth shut when I tell you. You only open it to
give yourself away.
Wrigley. You needn't trouble, missus. He's done all that.
Mrs. Munning. Done what? You know he'd no intentions, and he hasn't any
now. He's made no promises.
Wrigley. He's promised and he's made her presents.
Mrs. Munning. You'll have to prove that first.
Wrigley. Prove? Where's that parcel, Martha?
(_Martha comes timidly forward with it._)
Open it. See that?
Mrs. Munning. This? Crusts of bread and bits of meat!
Wrigley. That's it. Bread you baked and meat from what you had for
dinner yesterday.
Mrs. Munning. How did you come by this?
Zack. I saved them from my food. She told me she was always hungry and I
felt that sorry for her.
Mrs. Munning (_giving the parcel to Martha_). You're too soft to live.
Well, that's only giving charity, Joe Wrigley.
Wrigley. With lots of folk it might be, but it's something else than
charity when one of your family starts giving things away.
Mrs. Munning. It's nowt to do with marrying and promising, so what it
is.
Wrigley. He promised her not half an hour ago in Tim Bealey's shop, with
witnesses and all. There was Tim Bealey there and his missus and the
errand lad and me.
Mrs. Munning. Is that true, Zack?
Zack. I did say something, mother.
Mrs. Munning. You silly fool!
Zack. But it was only to save argument. I do hate argument when people
have a voice as loud as Joe's.
Mrs. Munning. That means you forced him, Wrigley.
Wrigley. It means he promised before witnesses, and I'll take good care
he keeps his word.
Mrs. Munning. Come here, Martha. Do you want to marry him?
Wrigley. Of course she does.
Mrs. Munning. Let the girl speak for herself.
Martha. I'd like to, Mrs. Munning. Only not if Zack don't want as well.
I'd not expect it.
Wrigley. But I expect it.
Paul. Yes, Joe, we know it's you we've got to thank for this.
Wrigley. I reckon it's me all right. You'll think twice before you sack
a man for getting hurt another time. I'll teach you something.
Paul (_quietly_). Will you? By marrying your girl to Zack?
Wrigley. That's it. I'll break your pride.
Paul. It might break you. I wouldn't swear that this wouldn't make me,
Joe.
Martha (_up to Zack_). I didn't go to do it, Zack. I don't want to be no
trouble to nobody.
Mrs. Munning. Do you want her, Zack?
Zack. I'd rather not say, mother. I wouldn't like to hurt her feelings.
Paul. Do you want to marry her?
Zack. I'd rather drown myself.
Martha. Oh!
Zack (_to her_). There, there, Martha. I didn't mean to hurt you. There!
Mrs. Munning. Keep your great hands to yourself, Zack, can't you?
Zack. I've hurt her feelings, mother.
Mrs. Munning. And I'll hurt yours if you don't do what I tell you sharp.
Wrigley. Come, Mrs. Munning. What's to do with a chap putting his arm
round the girl he's going to marry?
Mrs. Munning. He's just about the same chance of marrying her as you
have of coming back to work here, Joe.
Wrigley. I fancy both our chances then.
Mrs. Munning. You'd lose your money.
Wrigley. I think not, Mrs. Munning. I've a notion that you'll weigh
things up and come to seeing this my way. I've not come here to quarrel
with my relations to be, but I'll just point out that Wilson's of Norton
are getting business off you every day and you can't afford a scandal in
your line of trade.
Mrs. Munning. Be careful, Wrigley. Threats of that kind have a nasty
name.
Wrigley. I'm not afraid of names. Come here, Martha. We've given them
enough to think about.
Martha. Yes, father.
Wrigley. I'll look in later for your answer. (_Opens door._)
Paul. You needn't. You can have it now.
Mrs. Munning. You can. I'll give it you. It's this, that----
Paul. Zack can go with you now to see the vicar, Joe.
Wrigley. Eh?
Mrs. Munning. What?
Zack. Paul!
Mrs. Munning. Paul, are you mad?
Zack. But I don't want to marry her. I don't indeed.
Paul. You've made your bed and you'll lie on it. I'll stir no hand to
save you.
Mrs. Munning. But, Paul----
Paul. I've got my reasons, mother, and they're sound.
Zack. There's no great hurry, is there, Paul?
Paul. If a thing's to be done, it's best done quick. We'll have the
banns put up on Sunday.
Wrigley. You're in a mighty haste. It's giving things a queerish twist
to me.
Paul. When I've to take a dose of physic, I don't play round because
it's got a filthy taste. I get it down.
Zack. But it's my physic, Paul.
Paul. You'll do as you're told.
Martha. I'm sure I'll try to make you a good wife, Zack.
Zack. If it comes to the worst, I'll try and all. But we might both try
and make a mess of it for all we tried. I'm against this, Martha, and
it's no good wrapping up the truth. I don't favour it and I can't see
sense in it at all.
Paul. You've gone a bit too far to talk like that, my lad.
Zack. I wouldn't say I'd gone at all, not knowingly, I mean. It's
happened like, somehow, and I'll say this much or brast for it. It'll
be the mistake of your life, Martha. I'm not cut out for a husband of
yours. If ever you get wed----
Paul. She's wedding you.
Zack. Well, I don't favour it. I've as good a right to my opinion as
anybody else and I say it's not fair doing to Martha.
Wrigley. Is Martha all you're thinking of?
Zack. There's me as well, and I tell you what I told you down in
Bealey's shop. I'm always one to take the short road out of trouble and
I'm ready to oblige you. But I don't like it and the more I think about
Martha the worse it looks to saddle her with me. Martha's the helpless
sort and I'm the helpless sort and you don't make two soft people into
strong by wedding them together. She'd try to lean on me and I'd try to
lean on her and there'd be nothing there to lean on. It's like trying
to make weak tea strong by watering the pot. Martha'll only wed with
trouble when she weds a gormless chap like me, and I don't favour it. I
see no sense in it at all, and it's no use saying I do, because I don't.
Mrs. Munning. And I don't see the sense in doing things to please Joe
Wrigley.
Paul. I'm doing this to please myself, not him. What are you waiting
for, Wrigley? You've got your answer.
Wrigley. I dunno.
Paul. Then don't wait. If you want to see Mr. Andrews, it's a good time
to catch him now before his lunch.
Wrigley. Come along.
(_Wrigley and Martha move towards door._)
Zack. Paul! You're going to have me called in church?
Paul. It's the usual place.
Zack. Me and Martha Wrigley! And everybody listening!
Paul. Take him with you, Joe.
Zack (_going slowly_). Well, I don't favour it at all. I'll do my best
for Martha, but I'm a silly best for any girl. I've got no heart in
this.
(_Mrs. Munning goes up towards Zack. Paul stops her with a gesture. Exit
Zack, after Wrigley and Martha._)
Mrs. Munning (_turning angrily._) You're crossing me in this. I've not
said much so far because there's time to stop it yet.
Paul. You won't want to stop it, mother.
Mrs. Munning. Won't I? I'm not particular fond of Zack, but he's my son
as much as you, and I've no taste to see a Munning standing up in church
with a daughter of Joe Wrigley's.
Paul. I've just two things to say to that. The first is that you started
it with joking about marriage, and the second's what you're planning now
for Virginia and me.
Mrs. Munning. Virginia?
Paul. I've had that talk with her.
Mrs. Munning. Well? Is it right?
Paul. It isn't right, and it was very wrong. I've got her coming round.
No more than that. But this affair of Zack's chimes in with what we
want.
Mrs. Munning. What's Zack to do with her?
Paul. That's where the queerness comes. What do you think, mother?
Mrs. Munning. I'm getting past all thought to-day.
Paul. She'd him in mind.
Mrs. Munning. Zack! Well, I don't know! What's Zack been doing that
takes her fancy?
Paul. Did you ever know Zack do anything? Oh, she told me one thing.
He's been putting flowers in her room.
Mrs. Munning. In her room! The impudence.
Paul. I put those flowers there. You understand?
Mrs. Munning. You? Oh, I see.
Paul. And I'll tell you something else. She thinks the weddings have got
a better name because Zack's going to them now.
Mrs. Munning. But Zack does nothing but break things when he goes.
Paul. I'm telling you what she thinks, not what we know. She's got a
fancy picture of him in her mind, and while it's there, she'll never
marry me. That's why he'll marry Martha.
Mrs. Munning. I'm not at ease about it, Paul.
Paul. Whose scheme was it for me to marry Jenny? Mine or yours?
Mrs. Munning. It's mine, I know.
Paul. Then you shouldn't scheme if you're not prepared to put things
through. I am prepared. I didn't think seriously of this until you
set me on. But now I'm on, I'm on, and it'll not be Zack will stop me,
neither.
Mrs. Munning. We'll have to set them up.
Paul. That won't cost much.
Mrs. Munning. I'll never bear the sight of Zack living along of Martha
in the village here.
Paul. We might get over that. It's costing something, but there'll be
Virginia's money soon, and so--
Mrs. Munning. What's in your mind?
Paul. A clean sweep, mother. Getting rid of them. It's much the best.
Zack's never any use to us.
Mrs. Munning. Get rid?
Paul. We'll emigrate them when they're married.
Mrs. Munning. You're thinking fast.
Paul. Leave it to me, mother. I'll arrange it. Yes. It's all plain
sailing now. Zack married and in Canada, and me and Jenny here with you.
I'll see that steamship agency at Bollington to-morrow and find out the
cost.
(_Zack enters._)
What on earth-----? You've never seen Mr. Andrews in this time?
Zack. No.
Paul. Then what do you mean by coming back?
Zack. Well, I wasn't satisfied we were doing right, Paul, and I got a
notion as I went along with Joe and Martha.
Paul. A notion?
Zack. I made my mind up I'd consult somebody before it got to doing
things so final as the banns.
Paul. But we've decided.
Zack. I know you have, but I'm still doubtful, and I thought I'd ask
Virginia to tell me what to do.
Mrs. Munning. Ask Virginia?
Zack. Yes. Tell her all about it and just see what she advises me to do.
I've a great respect for her opinions.
Paul. More than you have for ours?
Zack. I can't say that until I know what her opinion is.
Mrs. Munning. She'll be disgusted with you.
Paul. You'll keep your foolishness to yourself, Zack, do you hear?
Zack. I'm hard put to it to see I have been foolish, Paul. Virginia will
tell me, I expect.
Mrs. Munning. Where have you left Joe Wrigley? At the Vicarage?
Zack. No. At the "Bunch of Grapes."
Paul. The "Bunch of Grapes"! The crazy fool. Drinking when he'd a job
like this to do.
Zack. I suppose he'd have a drink.
Paul. Oh, yes, he'd money for that. They've never any money, but there's
always some for drink.
Zack. It wasn't his fault,|Paul. I gave it him,
Mrs. Munning. You! Where did you get money from?
Zack. I gave him sixpence that Paul gave me this morning for a birthday
present.
Mrs. Munning. Paul gave you sixpence!
Paul. Yes, I did, as it happens. For a purpose, though. (_Turns on
Zack._) What gets me is Joe Wrigley's letting loose of you at any price.
Zack. I gave him an explanation of that. I told him I'd forgotten
something important.
Paul. And he believed you for sixpence?
Zack. But I _had_ forgotten something, Paul.
Paul. What?
Zack. Well----
Mrs. Munning. What's that you're hiding behind you all this time?
Zack. I'd forgotten these. (_He discloses a small bunch of roses._)
They're wild roses from the hedge and I came back to put them in
Virginia's room when she's not there, same as I have done every day,
only I'd forgotten them this morning.
Mrs. Munning. You can just leave off doing it then. Virginia's room!
Have you no sense of decency?
Zack. I'm sure she likes them, mother.
Paul (_anxiously_). She never told you so?
Zack. No, but I've seen her smiling at me and----
Mrs. Munning. She may well smile. Your ways would make a cat laugh.
Zack. I'll--I'll throw the flowers away. (_He turns towards door._)
Paul. Give me those flowers! (_Following him to door._)
Zack. But----
Paul. Go back and get your business done.
(_Enter Virginia from the house. She has a small parcel. There is a
conflict of wills at the street door. Then Zack steps into the room
again. Paul closes the door. Virginia notices the flowers. She goes
towards Paul, smiling._)
Paul. Oh! You've--you've caught me this time.
Virginia. But you needn't look ashamed, Paul.
Paul. I didn't know I did. I'll--I'll take them away now.
Virginia. That's very sweet of you.
(_Zack watches agape. Paul goes out with the roses._)
Virginia. Now, Zack, I don't think you deserve it, but I brought your
birthday present down, and here it is. A shaving-set.
Zack. I'm sorry, but I haven't got a coin to give you now for luck.
Virginia. That doesn't matter now.
Zack. Oh, Jenny!
Mrs. Munning. I'd think not, too, with you disgraced. Haven't you got a
word of thanks for your razor?
Zack. Yes. It's the best gift you could make me, Jenny.
Virginia. And you promise me you'll use it, Zack?
Zack. I'll use it right enough. I'll cut my throat with it.
Mrs. Munning. Zack! He doesn't know what he's saying, Jenny.
Zack. I do know, and I mean it, too. (_Tearing at paper of the parcel._)
Virginia (_dryly_). You'd have some trouble, Zack. It's a safety razor.
Zack. You're all against me, all of you, and I don't care what happens
to me.
Virginia. Zack, listen to me. I'm not against you, though I'm very, very
sorry for what you've done.
Zack. I haven't done anything and nobody will let me tell you and----
Mrs. Munning. Your cousin doesn't want to hear about that, Zack.
Zack. You're trying to stop her hearing and I'm going to tell her now.
She's got it all so wrong. I know I'm not an angel in trousers, but I'm
not a wrong _'_un neither, and----
Mrs. Munning. That will do, Zack. You've said enough.
Zack. You'll none of you be sorry when I'm dead.
Virginia. I should be very sorry, Zack. What is it that you want to tell
me?
Zack. Mother won't let me speak.
Virginia. I'm sure she will. She's leaving us together now, so that you
may tell me what you want to say.
Mrs. Munning. I doubt it's safe for you, Jenny. He's a bit beside
himself.
Virginia. It's quite the best way, aunt. To let him open his heart to
me. He'll be much better after that.
Mrs. Munning. He'll tell a pack of lies to get the soft side of you.
Virginia. I'll make all due allowances, aunt, if you will leave me with
him now.
Mrs. Munning. I'm loth to, Jenny.
Virginia. Then Zack and I will take a walk and he shall tell me as we
go.
Mrs. Munning. Oh, if you're keen set like that, I'll go.
Virginia. Thank you, aunt.
Mrs. Munning (_at door_). But don't you go believing half of what he
says.
(_Exit Mrs. Munning._)
Zack. I'm wonderful obliged to you, Jenny. I'll get some good advice
now.
Virginia. Sit down and tell me what you want to. Zack. I dunno where to
begin. It's so mixed up. But I'm not a desperate bad lad, Virginia. I'm
really not. Virginia. No. Begin at the beginning, Zack.
Zack. It's like this, Jenny. On the day you came, Martha Wrigley came
here to let us know her father had broke his arm, and I----
(_The street door opens violently and Wrigley enters. Silently he goes
to Zack and points to door._)
Zack. I'm busy just now, Joe.
Wrigley. Are you coming?
Zack. But---- Yes, Joe.
Virginia (_stopping Zack as he goes_). I want Zack, Mr. Wrigley.
Wrigley. You can have him when I've done with him.
Virginia. Mr. Wrigley, I ask you as a favour.
Wrigley. I'm sorry to disoblige a lady, but my affair comes first.
Virginia. I think not.
Zack. Let me go with him, Jenny.
Virginia. But, Zack, you were going to tell me----
Zack. I know. But he'll only argue, and I do hate argument. It wouldn't
be any good, Virginia. My luck's dead out.
Wrigley (_by door_). Come on.
Zack. Yes, Joe. Oh, what a birthday!
(_Wrigley and Zack go out._)
CURTAIN.
ACT III
_The parlour as Act I. The time is seven o'clock on a sunny evening
three weeks later. The stage is empty. Then Martha opens a door, looks
in, enters, comes c., hesitates and sits. She is dressed in her best
and looks like a country servant girl on a Sunday evening. She carries a
small handbag. Sally enters from house._
Sally (_crossing and pulling up short on seeing Martha_). Well, I never
did see the like of you, Martha Wrigley. Strolling in and sitting you
down as if you owned the place. Martha. Are you speaking to me?
Sally. I'm not addressing my remarks to the table. Martha (_with great
hauteur_). I believe I'm speaking to Mrs. Munning's kitchen-maid.
Sally. Kitchen-maid! I'm a lady-help. And you couldn't get a job at
cleaning steps yourself.
Martha. I want some of your impudence, my girl. Sally. Impudence! From
me to you! I've known when you came begging a slice of bread from my
lunch when we were at school, and----
Martha. Times change, don't they, Sally? I'm sitting in the parlour now,
and your place is in the kitchen. You'll keep it, too.
Sally. You know very well I'm only obliging Mrs. Munning temporarily.
Martha. I know you're idling your time in here and if you don't want
me to show you up to Mrs. Munning for a dawdling slouch, you'll keep the
sweet side of me.
Sally. You do think you're some one because you're going to marry Zack.
It might be Mr. Paul the fuss you make.
Martha (_rising_). It's a pity that folk can't control themselves.
Sally. If that's meant for me, let me tell you I never lost control of
myself in my life.
Martha. If the cap fits you can put it on.
Sally. You'll please to tell me what you mean by that, Martha Wrigley.
Martha. Everybody knows you'd hopes of Zack yourself. You're only
showing your jealousy.
Sally. Me jealous of you! You'll take that back. Do you hear? You'll
take that back.
Martha. Not me. It's a well-known fact.
Sally. Who says?
Martha. I say.
Sally. Then I call you a liar. You're a liar, and a mean, spiteful
spitting cat, and----
(_Martha gives back before her. Zack enters._)
Martha. Zack!
Zack. Hullo, Martha. I just came in here for a bit of a sit-down. I
favour a spell of peace and quiet at the close of the day.
(_He just touches Martha without affection in passing and sits._)
Sally. And all day too.
Martha. You hold your hush, Sally Teale. Am I to come in here to be
insulted by your servant, Zack?
Zack. Nay, I've got no servant that I ever heard of.
Martha. Sally.
Zack. Eh, Martha, Sally's a decent body. She'd never insult nobody.
Martha. Are you going to take her side against me? Zack. I've not seen
anything to take anybody's side about as yet.
Sally. She says I'm jealous and she'll take it back.
Martha. I won't. As true as true, you are.
Sally. I'm not.
Martha. You are.
Sally. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.
(_Zack rises, comes between, puts finger in mouth and whistles._)
Sally. I'm not.
Zack. That's enough, lass. Whistle's gone. I'm referee and I look at it
like this. You can't both be right.
Sally. No, I'm----
Zack. And you can't both be wrong.
Martha. She's----
Zack. So it's a draw.
Martha. That doesn't help. She called me a liar. Zack (_impressed_). No.
Did you, Sally?
Sally. Yes, I did, and----
Zack. I'm sorry to hear that of you, Sally.
Sally (_contrite_). Well, she shouldn't have said----
Zack. Maybe she spoke beyond her meaning. You did, didn't you, Martha?
Martha. I spoke hasty.
Zack (_to Sally_). And you answered hasty, didn't you?
Sally. I might.
Zack. I thought so. Haste! It's the cause of half the trouble in the
world. I never hurry. It's a principle with me.
Martha (_tearfully_). Zack, I'm sorry I put on airs. I won't do it
again. (_Comes to him. He puts arm round her_).
Sally. I'll--I'll not lose my temper again, Zack. (_Comes to him. He
puts his other arm round her._)
Zack. There, there, Martha. There, there, Sally. I never did believe in
arguing. It's wear and tear for nothing, and-----
(_Virginia and Mrs. Munning enter, Virginia in light dress, with hat and
gloves._)
Virginia. Oh!
Mrs. Munning. Going in for being a Mormon, Zack?
Zack. No, mother. I dunno how it is, cousin Virginia, but the awkwardest
things do keep happening to me. I was only reconciling them like.
Mrs. Munning. You haven't done the bedrooms for the night, Sally.
Sally. I'm on my way there now.
Mrs. Munning. You'll arrive a lot sooner if you'll try going upstairs.
(_Sally is about to reply, thinks better of it and goes out._)
Zack. I'm the unluckiest chap alive, Virginia. I'd give the world to
have you thinking well of me, and things fall out wrong road every time.
Mrs. Munning. That'll do, Zack. Martha's waiting to speak to me. What is
it, Martha?
Martha (_opening her bag_). This is what I came in for, Mrs. Munning.
Your invitation to the wedding. Oh! (_She drops some cards._)
Mrs. Munning. Pick them up, Zack.
(_Zack picks them up._)
Martha. I thought Zack and me might go round tonight delivering them.
(_Zack, on his knee picking up cards, reverently kisses the hem of
Virginia's skirt._)
Mrs. Munning. Oh yes. (_Sharply._) What are you doing, Zack?
Zack (_scrambling up_). Picking up cards. (_Giving them to Mrs.
Munning._)
Mrs Munning. Why, you've had cards printed. (_Returns cards to Martha._)
Martha. They are stylish, aren't they? (_Giving a card_). That's yours,
Mrs. Munning. And I brought you one, Miss Virginia.
Virginia. Thanks.
Mrs. Munning. Waste of money.
Martha. You can't be genteel without spending a bit of money. A
wedding's a wedding, Mrs. Munning, and folk have to spread themselves
sometimes. Are you ready, Zack?
Zack. I'm not so anxious, Martha. It'll mean a lot of walking.
Mrs. Munning. I suppose you'd rather good money went on postage?
Zack. All right, mother. I'll go. Only you know, Martha, you're tying
this knot firm. A printed card's an awful binding thing.
Martha. My father's got to see there's no mistake.
Zack. He's doing pretty well so far.
Martha. Yes. My wedding-dress is coming home tonight, too. I'll show it
you if you like.
Zack (_swallowing, then_), I'm like a cat on hot bricks till I see that
dress.
(_Martha and Zack go out._)
Virginia. Poor Zack!
Mrs. Munning. Fools pay for their folly. Did you come down for your walk
with Paul?
Virginia. Yes. It's about the usual time.
Mrs. Munning. He'll be late this evening. He'd to go to Bollington this
afternoon, but he'll bring you back a fairing, Jenny. He mostly went on
your account.
Virginia. On mine?
Mrs. Munning. Paul's fretting because the roses he's putting in your
room each day aren't good enough for you. He's gone to Bollington to see
if he can't find better at the flower shop there.
Virginia (_coldly_). He needn't have troubled, aunt.
Mrs. Munning. Paul doesn't count it trouble to do things for you.
Virginia. So he's told me.
Mrs. Munning. Well, truth's truth, and I'm not bound to hide it. He's
missed his proper bedtime every night with seeking roses here to suit
him. They've got to be so fine and large before they'll do for Paul.
(_Sally enters with a vase of very faded roses in her hand._)
Sally. Do you want these leaving in your room any longer, Miss Virginia?
They're that faded and done they'll stink the place out soon.
Virginia. I think they might be thrown away now, Sally.
Sally. I'd think so, too. Been there a week if it's a minute. Some one
used to change them every day, but they've seemingly got tired of the
job.
Virginia. Yes. Put them away, please.
(_Sally nods and goes out._)
Mrs. Munning (_making the best of it_). I didn't know he'd given it up
here altogether.
Virginia. I expect he preferred a proper night's rest, aunt.
Mrs. Munning. Not he. But that's Paul all over. If he can't get the best
he'll have none. Look at the engagement ring he gave you.
Virginia. Yes. It's--an engagement ring.
Mrs. Munning. Ah, but you're like myself, Jenny. You don't value things
for their appearance, but for what they mean to you.
Virginia (_doubtfully, fingering the ring_). Yes.
(_Paul enters, with hat and coat on._)
Paul. Good evening.
Mrs. Munning. Why, you're sooner than I expected.
Paul. Well, I've settled it. I've done my business. I've got them
mother. How are you, Jenny? (_Comes round and kisses her._)
Mrs. Munning. Have you brought them with you, Paul?
Paul. I'll show you. Let me get my coat off.
Mrs. Munning. The roses, I mean.
Paul (_blankly_). Oh the roses.
Mrs. Munning (_quickly_). They'll be sending them, I suppose.
Paul. Well----
Virginia. I'm just going upstairs.
Mrs. Munning. You needn't run away from him the moment he comes back.
Virginia. No. But I shan't be going out for a walk to-night, aunt. I'll
take my hat off. (_Exit Virginia._)
Mrs. Munning. Have you no sense at all? Couldn't you tell her the roses
were coming?
Paul. They're not.
Mrs. Munning. Not coming? And me just telling her they were all you went
to Bollington for!
Paul. You shouldn't tell her lies. You know they weren't all I went for.
Mrs. Munning. She liked to think they were. You've got a memory like a
sieve.
Paul. I didn't forget. I went to the shop and asked the price. They
wanted sixpence each. Sixpence for a single rose. Have you any idea what
a lot of roses it takes to make a decent-looking bunch?
Mrs. Munning. Will you never get it into your thick head that it's worth
spending money to gain money?
Paul. You've got the spending habit lately. There's no need to spend for
the sake of spending. I'm engaged to Virginia. What more do you want?
Mrs. Munning. I want you to keep engaged till you're married. You're
growing careless and neglecting her.
Paul. Neglecting! I gave her a kiss just now.
Mrs. Munning. That cost you nothing. What made you stop putting flowers
in her room?
Paul. I'm not marrying a wife to stand at her heels with silly flowers.
And there isn't a woman on earth worth buying roses for at sixpence a
bloom.
Mrs. Munning. Virginia's five hundred a year's worth it.
Paul. It's not. Selling flowers at that price is robbery, and I'll be
robbed by no one. Look at Joe Wrigley.
Mrs. Munning. That won't last long.
Paul. You're right. It won't. Zack will be married on Wednesday and off
to Canada on Saturday. Just let Joe Wrigley come here after that. I'll
teach him something.
Mrs. Munning. You've got their tickets?
Paul (_showing them_). I told you I had.
Mrs. Munning. Steerage, I see.
Paul. Of course they're steerage. Why, do you know we've to give them a
matter of ten pounds before they'll let them load?
Mrs. Munning. Well, we have to start them off with something, Paul.
Paul. Ten pounds isn't something. It's a thundering lot.
Mrs. Munning. In a good cause.
Paul. A good cause is a better cause when it's cheap, and this is coming
out a bit expensive.
(_Enter Sally._)
Mrs. Munning. What is it, Sally?
Sally. The door bell, Mrs. Munning.
(_Sally crosses and exit._)
Paul. An order, if we're lucky.
Mrs. Munning. Well, you are lucky, lately, aren't you? Everything you
can think of _'_s going right, (_Sally re-enters._)
Sally. It's Mr. Wrigley and some friends.
(_Wrigley enters with Thomas Mowatt and Harry Shoe-bridge. Mowatt is a
fat, red-faced dairyman and Shoe-bridge is a farmer, tall, with brown
face and mutton-chop whiskers. Wrigley has a large jug of ale and puts
it on table._)
(_Exit Sally._)
Wrigley. Good evening, Mrs. Munning. Come in, Thomas, Harry. You see,
Mrs. Munning, you've been so amazing good to me lately over a bit of
supper at nights that I thought I'd bring a friend or two this time to
test the vittles.
Mrs. Munning. You----
Wrigley. Ay, and you needn't tire your tongue with welcoming words. I
can read your genial thoughts. And knowing you hadn't got it here,
we brought our own ale with us. (_Lifting jug._) It's a real drop of
stimulant is this. Now sit down, Thomas. There you are, Harry. (_Places
chairs._) Well, now what shall it be? (_Sits._) Seeing we're unexpected
like, I think a bit of bread and cheese, eh Thomas?
Thomas. It'll go sweetly with the ale.
Wrigley. So it will. Bread and cheese, Mrs. Munning. I'd not say "no" to
biscuits myself.
Paul (_advancing_). Joe Wrigley----
Wrigley. Eh, Paul, I didn't just notice you, but you're the man we
want. We've really come on business, but we'll get on better when we're
fortified with a bite and a sup. You know what Thomas and Harry are,
don't you?
Paul (_surrendering_). You'd better get the bread and cheese out,
mother.
(_Mrs. Munning goes reluctantly and opens door._)
Mrs. Munning. Sally! Sally!
(_Exit Mrs. Munning._)
Wrigley. That's right, Paul. When the Executive Committee of the Little
Hulton Savings Club pay a call upon you it's a matter of common sense
for you to make them feel at home.
Paul. Mr. Mowatt and Mr. Shoebridge are on the Executive and they're
welcome here, but you----
Wrigley. I'm on as well.
Harry. Since last night.
Wrigley. As you say, Harry, since last night. I'm coopted under rule
17. Cost me a gallon of beer, but I'm co-opted. We're the Executive
and we're here on a matter of business concerned with the work of the
Society.
Paul (_with deference_). What can I do for you, Mr. Shoebridge?
Harry. Well, I'll tell you, Mr. Munning.
(_Mrs. Munning and Sally enter. They put food and glasses on table.
Wrigley pours ale. They eat and drink during the ensuing. Exit Sally._)
Harry. You do the catering for our annual picnic, and there's a
resolution standing on our minute book, recommending our members to
employ you at times of private merrymaking. Thank you, Mrs. Munning.
Paul. We've done all catering for your members at contract prices for
many years.
Thomas. That's so. And no one likes to break an old connection without
warning.
Paul. Break?
Thomas. I reckon first to last you've made a pretty penny by us.
Paul. I'm sure our charges to you are moderate, Mr. Mowatt.
Thomas. They'll do. They'll do--so long as you're giving us what we
want.
Harry. It's not the charges that we're here about exactly.
Mrs. Munning. Then what is it?
Harry. I'm telling you as fast as I can. This is a tasty bit of cheese,
Mrs. Munning.
Wrigley. Aye. I thought you'd relish it. It's full-flavoured but it
doesn't rasp the tongue. It's mellow.
Thomas. Meller's a great word, Joe. I like things to be meller. I like
meller women and meller cheese and meller ale and meller festivals.
Harry. Did you go to see Mr. Abbott married the other day?
Thomas. Did I go? I'd say so. That was a proper meller occasion.
Harry. It was that. Mellow right through. He married his wife with port
wine, did Mr. Abbott.
Thomas. I'm not partial to port wine myself. I favour ale at all times
and all occasions. Ale's a beverage.
Wrigley. And Mr. Abbott's wedding isn't the point to-night.
Thomas. It was a meller wedding and we want things meller always.
Harry. That's it in a nutshell, Mr. Munning.
Paul. I'm sure we make no differences, Mr. Shoebridge.
Harry. Oh yes, you do. You may not know it, but you do. You have two
sorts of catering, and our members want the best, or the Executive will
pass a resolution advising all to patronize Wilson's of Norton.
Mrs. Munning. I hope you won't do that, Mr. Shoebridge.
Harry. Well, if you want to keep our connection, you'll have to do the
thing our way.
Paul. But you don't tell us what your way is. What is it we do wrong?
Harry. I'm coming to it, lad. I'm going to touch the spot. From what we
hear, your Zack's a-wedding Martha Wrigley.
Paul. Yes?
Harry. Well, I've nowt against it. Martha's doing unexpected well, but
if Zack's satisfied I'm sure I am. But Joe Wrigley tells me that it
doesn't stop at that, and being her father he ought to know. You want to
emigrate them off to Canada. Now where's the sense in that?
Paul. It seems best to us.
Thomas. Well, I think it's rotten.
Paul. You must allow us to be judges.
Mrs. Munning. I think that's our business and nobody else's.
Wrigley (_pushing back chair and rising_). Come on, let's be getting
over to Wilson's and making our arrangements with him.
Thomas (_rising_). Yes, that's the only thing if they're going to talk
that road.
Paul. But I do wish you'd explain. What has Zack's going to Canada to do
with it?
Harry. You want a lot of telling. You have two sorts of jollifications
here. Jollifications with Zack Munning and jollifications without. We
want them _with_.
Mrs. Munning. With Zack?
Harry. He's the difference I've been telling you about.
Mrs. Munning. Zack is! He never does anything.
Harry. He does enough. I know what you mean. He's a bit of a fool at
doing most things is Zack, but he's got a gift for jollifications. I
couldn't point to where it is myself. Zack's just to come and moon about
and drop a word into an ear there and take a woman's arm here and the
thing's done. You might call it a knack he has.
Thomas. He mellers things. That's where it is. It's like this, Mrs.
Munning. You can eat cheese without supping ale to it, but you don't get
satisfaction. And Paul can run a wedding without Zack being there, but
it's not hearty--not what I'd call a jollification. It's stiff and hard.
No feeling in it. No mellerness.
Harry. Zack's got a way with him. He's an artist. If the talk's going
flat, or anybody recalls a subject that's not fit to be recalled at a
wedding--an old quarrel or such like,--what does Zack do but break a
plate? and smiles that smile of his, and all's well in a moment.
Mrs. Munning. Well, this is a revelation to me. I don't know what to
say.
Paul. I do. He'll go to Canada.
Wrigley. Is that your last word?
Mrs. Munning. No. We'll talk this over, Paul.
Paul. It's gone too far for talking now. I've bought their tickets.
Wrigley. They'll do to light a fire with.
Mrs. Munning. We'll let you have your answer later, Mr. Shoebridge.
Harry (_by door_). All right, Mrs. Munning. You're wise enough to know a
hasty temper doesn't pay in business. I could give a good guess at your
answer.
Wrigley. I'm not fond of guessing myself, so I'll stay here to get it.
I'm concerned twice over. As a member of the Executive and as father of
the bride to be.
Thomas. We'll leave it to you, Joe.
Wrigley. I reckon you can.
Harry. Good evening, Mrs. Munning.
Mrs. Munning. Good evening to you.
(_Exeunt Thomas and Harry._)
Mrs. Munning. I suppose we can put this down to you, Joe Wrigley.
Wrigley. You might be farther out.
Paul. You'd nothing to say against emigrating them when I mentioned it.
Wrigley. No, but I thought a lot. I'd a father's feelings, and they went
too deep for words.
Mrs. Munning. What have you done this for, Joe?
Wrigley. Two reasons, and I don't know which is bigger of the two.
Zack's worth good money here. If I'd a mind to ruin your trade I'd let
him go, and make you find out what you've missed. But that's not Joseph
Wrigley's way. I kill no geese that lay me golden eggs. And reason
number two. Aye, and this weighs heaviest. I want the pleasure of
knowing they're living in the village here and the satisfaction of
watching your face look sour and sourer for the sight of them. I'll
teach you something for sacking me.
(_Virginia enters, during this speech._)
Paul. Will you, Joe? You've given me two reasons why you think you will.
I'll give you two why you won't.
Wrigley. You will?
Mrs. Munning. Be careful, Paul. (_She puts hand on his arm._)
Paul (_shaking her off_). The first's Zack isn't married yet to Martha
and the second is he isn't going to be. Their engagement's served my
purpose.
Virginia. What was your purpose, Paul?
Paul. Oh! I didn't see you, Jenny.
Wrigley. Never mind her. You're speaking to me. Zack shall marry Martha
or I'll make your name a stink in Little Hutton.
Paul. Get out.
Wrigley. You'll eat a lot of dirt for this, Paul Munning. Banns called
and wedding fixed and people asked. (_By door, then turns_). Is Zack to
marry Martha?
Paul. He's not.
Wrigley. Then the band is going to play and, by George, I'll make you
dance to it.
(_Exit Wrigley._)
Virginia (_quietly_). You must tell me what this is, Paul.
Paul. It's Joe Wrigley making a mistake. Thinks he can bounce me, does
he?
Mrs. Munning. You'd better be careful, Paul. Joe Wrigley's one thing
when he's one of our men, but he's another now he's got on that
committee.
Paul. I'd like to wring his neck. The cunning swine.
Mrs. Munning. Zack's not to go to Canada.
Paul. All right. He's not. I'll go to Bollington tomorrow and get the
money back on the tickets. But he shan't marry Martha either. I'll get
even with Joe Wrigley there.
Virginia. What does Zack say?
Paul. Zack? What's Zack to do with it?
Virginia. It's his marriage, you know.
Paul. Zack _'_ll do as he's told. He wasn't marrying her because he
wanted to.
Virginia. Why was he marrying?
Paul. Because I wanted it. I don't want it now.
Mrs. Munning. We're in a ticklish corner with Joe Wrigley, Paul.
Paul. Do you want me to hold my hands up to Joe Wrigley?
Mrs. Munning. You'll take care what you do? I don't want my business
damaged worse than it is.
Paul. _Your_ business?
Mrs. Munning. It is my business, I believe. You're only my manager, and
I warn you to be careful or I'll set about making a change. I've learnt
something to-night.
Virginia. So have I.
Paul. Mother, you don't believe Joe's tales of Zack!
Mrs. Munning. I'd not believe a sacked man's tales of anything, but I
believe Mowatt and Shoebridge, and I know who it is they want at the
weddings. It's been a shock to me to find they favour Zack, but it's
Zack they want and Zack they're going to get.
Paul. A nice mess he'll make of things.
Mrs. Munning. That remains to be seen. He's never had his chance till
now, but he's just as much my son as you are, Paul.
Virginia. Yes, he was just as much your son when you neglected him and
kept him down and gave Paul all your love. And just as much when you and
Paul let Zack walk into Wrigley's trap and never raised a hand to save
him, and when you schemed to send him out to Canada to save your pride
from being hurt, and when you changed your mind about him now--not from
regret or any love for Zack, but when you found your business would do
better with him here. Oh, I've been stupid too. I let myself be blinded
by the dust you both threw in my eyes, but I'm not blinded now and----
Paul. Will you be quiet, Virginia?
Mrs. Munning. If I made a mistake; Jenny, I've owned to it.
Virginia. You've owned to it! Does that make up to Zack for all the
years you've slighted him, for the chances that he might have had and
Paul has robbed him of? For----
Paul. Robbed! I think you're forgetting whose ring you're wearing on
your finger.
Virginia. Your ring? Yes. There's your ring.
(_She takes it off and throws it at him. Zack and Martha enter. Martha
is in a stupidly elaborate wedding-dress. The ring misses Paul, hits
Zack and falls._)
Zack. I think I heard something drop.
Virginia. Yes. I've dropped Paul.
Mrs. Munning. Jenny!
Paul. You might have damaged that ring badly. It cost me thirty
shillings.
Virginia. You are having an expensive time, lately.
Martha (_picking up ring_). Oh, it's a beautiful ring.
Paul. Yes. Give it to me.
Virginia. No. Put it on, Martha.
Paul. What!
Virginia. Put it on.
(_Martha puts it on._)
Do you like the look of it on your finger?
Martha It's a vision.
Virginia. Is it? Do you like the man that goes with that ring?
Paul. That's my ring, Virginia.
Virginia. I'm quite aware of that. Do you like Paul, Martha? Will you
take Paul Munning for your lawful wedded husband?
Zack. I'm not very quick at thinking, Virginia, but I think you're
getting things mixed up like.
Paul. She's gone mad.
Virginia. Have I aunt?
Mrs. Munning. I don't know, Jenny.
Virginia. You do know. You know Joe Wrigley has the power to ruin you
unless Martha becomes Mrs. Munning. She's going to become Mrs. Munning,
but not Mrs. Zack Munning.
Zack. But I've passed my word to Martha. We've had banns called in
church.
Virginia. Are you in love with Martha, Zack?
Zack. Well----
Virginia. Are you or are you not?
Zack. You do ask the awkwardest questions, Virginia.
Virginia. That's good enough for me. Martha, it's a pity to waste that
wedding-dress. Would you rather marry Zack or Paul?
Martha. I've never dared to lift my eyes as high as Mr. Paul.
Virginia. It's not so high. Stand on a chair if it'll make you feel
easier. It's like this, Martha. Paul's missing something by not marrying
me, but there's a matter of five hundred pounds that I'll give him in
the vestry on his wedding-day with you. Of course if he doesn't marry
you there's no five hundred pounds, and there is your father.
Mrs. Munning. And a new manager for my business too.
Paul. Mother!
Virginia. So you've got it all three ways, Paul. Martha, you needn't be
afraid. Canada with Zack was the riskiest gamble a woman ever thought
of, but England with Paul is something solid. You'll have friends to
Watch you and to watch Paul, too.
Paul. But--but----
Virginia. That's all right, Paul. You needn't thank me now. And if you'd
like to take Martha out for a walk, I shan't prevent you.
Martha. Me walk through Little Hulton by the side of Mr. Paul! Oh, Miss
Virginia, I'd never have the face.
Virginia. I've told you you're bringing him good money. You give and he
takes.
Paul. Do I take?
Virginia. Don't you?
Paul. Mother, have you nothing to say?
Virginia. She's come down on the right side of the fence at last, Paul.
Mrs. Munning. I'll not pretend I'm pleased, but it's a way out.
Paul. You'd see me sacrificed like this?
Mrs. Munning. You'll not forget that Martha's in the room, will you?
Zack. I suppose I'll do wrong thing if I open my mouth, but I'll speak
my mind for once and chance it.
Virginia. What's the matter, Zack? You didn't want to marry Martha?
Zack. I didn't and I did. I've no right to be selfish, and I didn't like
the thought of it at first. I'm the wrong sort of husband for her as I
am.
Virginia. Very well, then------
Zack. Aye. As I am I'm wrong, and I know I'm wrong. But I might not
be so wrong in Canada. I've never had a chance afore, and this thing's
grown on me a bit. I've wanted my chance, and it looked like I was
getting it. You never know what a foreign country will do for a man, and
Canada began to look a chance to me. I'd hopes of Canada. And now you
say I'm not to marry Martha, and I'll never get a chance again.
Martha. I'd rather marry Mr. Paul, if he's willing, Zack.
Virginia. He's willing.
Zack. Maybe you're right, Martha. Paul's a bigger man than me and I
mustn't be selfish. But I'd begun to be hopeful, and I own this is a
blow to me. I'll go out for a breath of air.
Virginia. Stay where you are, Zack. Paul and Martha are going out
together.
Paul. That's advertising it a bit, and her in her wedding-gown and all.
Virginia. It's meant to advertise it, Paul. There's your hat. Give her
your arm now.
Martha. Oh, Mr. Paul!
(_They go up to door, arm in arm._)
Virginia. And I'll tell you something, Paul. You're great at talking of
the cost of things. A pleasant look costs no more than a sour one, so
see what you can do.
(_Exeunt Paul and Martha. Virginia closes door._)
Now then, aunt, is there anything you'd like to say to Zack?
Mrs. Munning. He's the cause of more trouble than he's worth, and has
been since the day he was born.
Zack. Yes, mother. I knew it must be all my fault some road.
Virginia. I suppose that way of speaking to him is force of habit, aunt.
But it's time you changed your habits now. Don't you think you'd feel
better if you apologized to Zack?
Mrs. Munning. Apologized!
Virginia. I've a belief myself in paying debts.
Mrs. Munning. I don't owe Zack for much.
Virginia. Only thirty years' neglect.
Zack. You mustn't talk like that to mother, Jenny. You can't expect a
great soft thing like me to get same care taken of him as she took of
Paul. You don't treat carthorses like you'd treat a racer.
Virginia (_to Mrs. Munning, ignoring Zack_). So you've nothing to say to
him?
Mrs. Munning. I don't know that I have.
Virginia. You're leaving quite a lot to me.
Mrs. Munning. We know what's good for Zack. Some folk don't pay for
kindness.
Virginia. Some never get a chance. Zack's had your method long enough.
We'll try mine now.
Mrs. Munning. And what is yours?
Virginia. Bring me some hot water and a towel, Zack.
Zack. Hot water?
Virginia. In a jug.
Zack. Yes, Jenny. I knew there'd be hot water in it somewhere. (_Exit
Zack._)
Mrs. Munning. What's this for?
Virginia. A clean start and a clean chin and Zack's first lesson in the
art of self-respect.
Mrs. Munning. Meaning you're going to swell his head.
Virginia. No, aunt. Only to shave his beard. I'm going to talk to Zack
and a lather-brush will be a handy thing to stop his mouth with if he
tries to answer back before I've done.
(_Zack re-enters with steaming jug and a towel._)
Zack. It's very hot. I found the kettle on the boil.
Virginia. All the better.
Zack (_apprehensively_). Yes, Jenny.
Mrs. Munning. And you think I'll stay here and watch you do it?
Virginia. Well, aunt, I rather hoped you wouldn't.
Mrs. Munning. You're taking charge of things, young lady.
Virginia. I've come to the conclusion that it's time. (_Mrs. Munning
meets her eye, quails and goes out._) Zack, go upstairs and bring me
down the birthday present that I gave you.
Zack. It's not upstairs, Jenny.
Virginia. Where is it, then? I want it.
Zack. I keep it in my pocket.
Virginia. No wonder your coat fits like a sack. Give it me.
Zack. You're not going to take it off me because I didn't use it, are
you?
Virginia. I'm going to use it. Sit down. (_She pushes him into chair
and puts towel round his neck._) Tell me why you carried this about with
you.
Zack. It's because I------ (_hesitates._)
Virginia. Well?
Zack. Because you gave it me.
Virginia. I gave it you for use. Keep still now. (_She trims his beard
with scissors._)
Zack. Yes, Jenny. I know, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. They're
too grand for using on the likes of me. Oh! (_She deliberately pricks
him._)
Virginia. What is it?
Zack. You ran the scissors into me. It doesn't matter though.
(_She pricks again._)
Oh, Jenny, that did hurt a bit.
Virginia. I meant it to. Don't you dare to say it doesn't matter when
you're hurt or I'll hurt you again.
Zack. No, Jenny.
(_She turns to table and makes lather._)
Virginia. And when I give you anything and tell you to use it, you
won't imagine it's too grand for you. You'll use it; (_Her back is still
turned to him. He fingers the stubble on his chin and nervously holds
the chair-arms, watching her timorously._)
Zack. Yes, Jenny.
Virginia (_turning with lather-brush_). Very well. Now I can start
talking to you. (_She holds brush poised. He eyes it._)
Zack. You've not done badly up to now for a non-starter. (_She puts
brush in his mouth_). Oof!
Virginia (_lathering_). If you open your mouth again unless I tell you
to, that's what you'll get. Now, Zack Munning, who do you think you are?
(_Stands from him_). You may answer.
Zack. Well I suppose I'm---- I dunno. I'm nobody much.
Virginia (_approaching and lathering_). You can't answer. Then I'll tell
you. You are not nobody. You're a person of considerable importance. For
one thing, you're the mainstay of your mother's business. When you go
to weddings, they're liked, and when you don't they're disliked. Paul is
not popular. You are. You may speak.
Zack. You've no right to run down Paul like that, Jenny.
Virginia. I'm not running him down. I'm putting him in his place in
comparison with you. Now, is that understood? You're of more value here
than he is.
Zack. Oh, but, Jenny--oof! (_He gets the brush in his mouth._)
Virginia. If you like a mouthful of soap at every word I utter you can
have it. If you don't, sit quiet and listen. Where was I coming to? Oh
yes. Martha Wrigley. You didn't love her, Zack. Why did you let them
force her on to you?
Zack. I do hate argument, Jenny. Paul argued and Joe argued and he's a
powerful voice for arguing has Joe, and so I just said "yes" to make an
end of it.
Virginia (_taking razor_). You'd better turn round to the light now. I
don't want to plough your face. Carry the chair to the window.
Zack. Yes, Jenny.
Virginia. Sit down and let me see what I can make of you. (_She
shaves._) You just said "Yes" to save yourself the trouble of saying
"No" and never thought of anybody else but Paul and Joe.
Zack (_moving in protest_). Oh yes, I did, Jenny.
Virginia (_alarmed_). Be careful, Zack. I don't want to cut you.
Zack. Well, I did think of some one else.
Virginia. Who?
Zack. I thought of Martha.
Virginia. Never mind Martha.
Zack. But I must mind her. She looked to me for consolation did Martha,
and I don't think Paul's as good at consoling a wench as I am.
Virginia. Oh? So we've found something we're better at than he is, have
we?
Zack. I'm bound to think of Martha's feelings, Jenny.
Virginia. Martha's parading the high street with Paul. Her feelings are
all right.
Zack. My conscience isn't easy about her, Jenny. We've been called in
church together and----
Virginia (_holding out razor_). And you can finish shaving by yourself.
Zack. But I don't know how. I've never used a razor in my life.
(_Virginia puts razor on table. Zack rises, half shaved._)
Virginia. It's time you learned.
Zack. You were getting on so well.
Virginia. So were you till you began to talk rubbish about Martha
Wrigley. Go and ask her to finish shaving you.
Zack. Have I said anything to offend you, Jenny?
Virginia. Have you said----? You think a lot about other people, Zack.
Do you never think of me?
Zack. I do that. But it's not the same.
Virginia. The same as what?
Zack. It's common thinking when I think of them. When I think of you
it's something a bit special. It's thinking with my hat off, like going
into church. It's Sunday best and I couldn't bring myself to talk of it
the same way as I'd talk of them. It's not for talking of at all. It's
holylike. That's why I haven't mentioned it.
Virginia (_takes up razor. Zack flinches_). Sit down again. I'll finish
shaving you.
Zack. Will you, Jenny? (_He sits._)
Virginia. Yes. Don't talk or you'll get cut. Now listen, Zack. Martha
Wrigley's getting what she wants. She's marrying Paul and she'll be the
proudest woman in the place. So you can put her out of mind. If you
want to say "good-bye" to her, you can go and say it when I've finished
shaving you. Only you'll say it in words. You're a bit too free with
your consolations, and I've not shaved you for Martha Wrigley to have
the benefit of your virgin chin. You've finished with her, Zack, you
understand?
Zack. Yes, Jenny.
Virginia. Very well. Now you can get up and look at yourself in that
glass.
Zack (_peering into glass in lid of shaving set_). Why, Jenny, I'd not
have known myself. Is yon lad me?
Virginia. It's you.
Zack. Well, I tell you what, Jenny, if I'd met that face in the lane on
anybody else but me, I'd have said he wasn't a bad looking chap at all.
Virginia. It's not a face you're meeting in the lane. It's your face.
Zack. That's the surprising part about it. Why, it's very near worth
taking the trouble to shave every day.
Virginia. I'll see you take the trouble.
Zack. And I'll look like this every day!
Virginia. You will.
Zack. Well, but if that's so, and I'm free of Martha, why.... No. I'm
getting ahead too fast.
Virginia. Not you. Take another look at yourself if you're afraid about
anything.
Zack (_looking_). I'm pretty near good-looking enough to chance it. Dang
it, I will chance it, and all--No. No. I'm not quite bold enough for
that.
Virginia (_holding glass in front of him_). Look again.
Zack. Well, you can't eat me anyhow. Jenny, I've got a heap of love
for you. I've loved you since the day I met you, and I've been the
miserablest chap on earth because of what's been happening since. Things
always do go wrong with me, and they've been going the wrongest road
they could, but, by gum, there's just a chance to put them right this
time, and I'll dash at it if I'm hanged for it. Jenny it's the most
bowdacious thing to come from me to you, but I'm wrought up to point and
I've got to speak or bust. Will you have me, lass?
Virginia. Kiss me, Zack.
Zack. But--but--do you mean to say you'll----
Virginia. You great baby.
Zack (_embracing her_). Eh, I could hug you till you broke. Love? Love's
the finest state of man. I'm--I'm---- No. There aren't words made
for this. Its too tremendous big for words. Jenny, it's true? You're
not--You're not just playing with me.
Virginia. No. It's true. Oh, Zack!
Zack. Jenny! (_Kiss._)
CURTAIN.