Thus BO PEEP lost her sheep, leaving these fleecy tail-bearers to
come home solitary to the accustomed fold. She did but humble herself
before the manifestation of a Wessex necessity.
And Fate, sitting aloft in the careless expanse of ether rolled
her destined chariots thundering along the pre-ordained highways
of heaven, crushing a soul here and a life there with the tragic
completeness of a steam-roller, granite-smashing, steam-fed,
irresistible. And butter was churned with a twang in it, and rustics
danced, and sheep that had fed in clover were "blasted," like poor
BONDUCA's budding prospects. And, from the calm nonchalance of a
Wessex hamlet, another novel was launched into a world of reviews,
where the multitude of readers is not as to their external
displacements, but as to their subjective experiences.
[THE END.
* * * * *
THE NEW GALLERY.
This is the place to see the "female form divine" of all shapes and
sizes. Walk up, walk up, and look at a few of the young Ladies:--
No. 13. "_White Roses._" E.J. POYNTER, R.A. Thorns here, evidently,
judging by the young woman's look of anguish. And this is the moral
POYNTER points.
No. 66. "_A War Cloud._" A Music-HALLÉ singing "_Rule Britannia!_"
with proper dressings.
No. 18. "_Paderewski._" Surely it ought to be PATTY REWSKY, with
"Miss" before the name. _Moral_, "Get your hair cut!"
No. 284. "_Nightfall in the Dauphinée._" "_Might_ fall," it ought to
be, and no wonder if she walked about on so dark a night with such a
load in her arms!
No. 165. "_Che sara sara._" A pedestrian match in the Metropolis. In
fact, _Walker, London_. A portrait of _Sarah_, after she has been
let down into the punt, the shock having dislocated her shoulder. She
might have kept _Col. Neal's_ clothes round her neck to hide her back.
No. 77. This is the gem of the collection. It is by FRNND KHNPFF. Our
Head Critic was so overcome by this great work that he went out to get
assistance, but unfortunately, in trying to pronounce the painter's
name, he dislocated his jaw, and is now in a precarious state.
Our Assistant Critic, Deputy Assistant Critic, Deputy Assistant
Sub-Critic, and a few extra Supernumerary Critics, then went in a
body and looked at this young woman's head, apparently taken after
an interview with Madame Guillotine. They looked at the head from all
sides, and finally stood on their own, but they could not make head
or tail of it. Any person giving information as to the meaning, and
paying threepence, will receive a presentation copy of this journal.
There are other portraits of the latest fashion in young Ladies, but
those mentioned above are the most remarkable in the New Girlery.
* * * * *
ANY MAN TO ANY WOMAN.
O woman, in our hours of ease,
We smile, and say, "Go as you please!"
But when there's prospect of a row,
_You're_ best out of it anyhow.
* * * * *
[Illustration: "OH, THAT TUNE!"
A Sketch of an Unintentional and Unwilling Imitator of Miss Lottie
Collins.]
* * * * *
THE TWO ARCHERS.--In the _P.M.G._ of Saturday last, WILLIAM ARCHER, in
a signed article, criticises a book on "_How to Write a Good Play_, by
FRANK ARCHER." In expressing his opinion of the book, WILLIAM becomes
Frank--unpleasantly Frank.
* * * * *
A RIDDLE.
While Publishers their fortunes make
And wax exceeding fat,
The Author still is like a rake.
Now, pray account for that.
* * * * *
THE WATER-COLOUR ROOM AT THE ACADEMY.
[Illustration]
Oh, what a smell from the kitchen to spur comers
Out of this room, where we think more of ham
Than HORSLEYS, of soup than STONES, hashes than HERKOMERS,
Mix MILLAIS with mutton, and LEIGHTON with lamb,
Think of salmon and cucumber, stilton and celery,
And not of the drawings at which we should look;
Reminded, when making a tour round this gallery,
But little of "Gaze," and a great deal of "Cook."
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
EXTRACTED FROM THE DIARY OF TOBY, M.P.
House of Commons, Monday, April 25.--Session resumed to-day after
Easter Recess. As TENNYSON somewhere says, Session comes but Members
linger. Not forty present when business commenced. "May as well go
on." said the SPEAKER, whom everybody glad to see looking brisk and
hearty after his holiday. "They'll drop in by-and-by."
So they did, but without evidence of overmastering haste or
enthusiasm. Only half-dozen questions on paper; very early got to
business in Committee on Indian Councils Bill; supposed to be measure
involving closest interests of the great empire that CLIVE helped to
make, and SEYMOUR KEAY now looks after. Appearance of House suggestive
rather of some local question affecting Isle of Sheppey or Romney
Marsh. Below Gangway, on Ministerial side, only MACLEAN present.
Member for Oldham a sizeable man, but seemed a little lost in space.
Above Gangway RICHARD TEMPLE on guard. Prince ARTHUR and GEORGIE
CURZON had Treasury Bench all to themselves. Opportunity for observing
how cares of office are beginning to tell on GEORGE. Growing quite
staid in manner, the weight of India adding gravity to his looks,
sicklying his young face o'er with pale cast of thought. Pretty to
see him blush to-night when SEYMOUR KEAY made graceful allusion to
his genius and statesmanlike conduct of affairs. "Approbation from Sir
HUBERT STANLEY," as he later observed, "is praise indeed."
[Illustration: "So-and-So."]
Only sign of life and movement displayed below and above Gangway
opposite. SCHWANN evidently in running for BRADLAUGH's vacant place
as Member for India. Fortunate in finding a party brimful of energy,
enthusiasm, eloquence, and encyclopædic knowledge--MORTON, SEYMOUR
KEAY, SAM SMITH, JULIUS 'ANNIBAL PICTON, SWIFT MACNEILL, and the CURSE
OF CAMBORNE, who has been as far East as the Cape, and therefore knows
all about India.
Some Members looking across the waste place behind MACLEAN whilst
he was delivering vigorous speech, thought of poor LEWIS PELLY, who
really knew something about India, and therefore would probably not
have spoken had he been here to-night. A kindly, courteous, upright,
valiant gentleman, who took a little too seriously the joke House had
with him about the Mombasa business. Everyone recalls his luminous
speech on the question, with its graphic description of forced marches
"from So-and-so to So-on," dubious nights by night "from Etcetera to
So-forth."
PELLY was with us when the House adjourned. In recess he, too, has
made a forced march, passing from the ordinary So-on into the unmapped
So-forth.
MACLEAN's speech stirred up the dolorous desolate House. Only one
other movement. This when SEYMOUR KEAY, in one of several speeches
dropped the remark, "I am sure my friends near me will bear me out
when I say--" Instant commotion below Gangway. SWIFT MACNEILL on
his legs; SCHWANN tumbling over PICTON; CONYBEARE cannoning against
MORTON. All animated by desire to take up KEAY and carry him forth.
He breathlessly explained that it was merely a figure of speech, and,
they reluctantly resuming their seats, he went on to the bitter end.
Business done.--Practically none.
Tuesday.--Amid the pomps and vanities of a wicked world there is
something refreshing and reassuring in spectacle of SAGE OF QUEEN
ANNE'S GATE going about his daily business. One would describe him
as childlike and bland, only for recollection that combination of
harmless endearing epithet has been applied in another connection and
might be misunderstood. A pity, for there are no other words that
so accurately describe SAGE's manner when, just now, he rose to pose
Prince ARTHUR with awkward question about Dissolution. Wanted to know
whether, supposing Parliament dissolved between months of September
and December in present year, a Bill would be brought in to accelerate
Registration? Terms of question being set forth on printed paper, not
necessary for the SAGE to recite them. For this he seemed grateful.
It relieved him from the pain of appearing to embarrass Prince ARTHUR
by a reference to awkward matters. No one could feel acutely hurt
at being asked "Question No. 8." So the SAGE, half rising from his
seat--so delicate was his forbearance, that he would not impose his
full height on the eyesight of the Minister--"begged to ask the FIRST
LORD OF THE TREASURY Question No. 8."
Quite charming Prince ARTHUR's start of surprise when he looked at
the paper and saw, as if for the first time, the question addressed
to him. Dear me! here was a Member actually wanting to know something
about the date of the Dissolution, and what would follow in certain
contingencies. As a philosopher, Prince ARTHUR was familiar with the
vagaries of the average mind. He could not prevent the SAGE, in his
large leisure, untrammelled by no other consideration than that of
doing the greatest amount of good to the largest number, indulging
in speculations. But for Her Majesty's Ministers, the contingency
referred to was so remote and uncertain, that they had not even
contemplated taking any steps to meet it.
Then might the SAGE assume that, if the contingency arose, the
Government would act in the manner he had suggested?
No; on the whole, Prince ARTHUR, thinking the matter over in full view
of the House, concluded the SAGE might hardly draw that deduction from
what he had said.
[Illustration: Cap'n Birkbeck.]
The House, having listened intently to this artless conversation,
proceeded to business of the day, which happily included the adoption
of a Resolution engaging the Government to connect with the mainland,
by telephone or telegraph, the lighthouses and lightships that
twinkle round our stormy coasts. It was Cap'n BIRKBECK who moved
this Resolution, seconded from other side in admirable speech by
MARJORIBANKS.
Business done.--Excellent.
Wednesday.--Much surprised, strolling down to House this afternoon,
to find place in sort of state of siege. Policemen, policemen
everywhere, and, as one sadly observed, "not a drop to drink." Haven't
seen anything like it since KENEALY used to shake the dewdrops
from his mane as he walked through Palace Yard, passing through
enthusiastic crowd into House of Commons, perspiring after his efforts
in Old Westminster Courts. Later, when BRADLAUGH used to-give dear old
GOSSET waltzing lessons, pirouetting between Bar and Table, scene was
somewhat similar.
"What's the matter. HORSLEY?" I asked, coming across our able and
indefatigable Superintendent striding about the Corridor, as NAPOLEON
visited the outposts on the eve of Austerlitz.
"It's them Women, Sir," he said. "Perhaps you've heard of them at
St. James's Hall last night? Platform stormed; Chairman driven off at
point of bodkin; Reporters' table crumpled up; party of the name of
BURROWS seized by the throat and laid on the flat of his back."
"A position, I should say, not peculiarly convenient for oratorical
effort. But you seem to have got new men at the various posts?"
"Yes, Sir," said Field-Marshal HORSLEY. lowering his voice to whisper;
"we've picked em out. Gone through the Force; mustered all the
bald-headed men. They say that at conclusion of argument on Woman's
Suffrage in St. James's Hall last night, floor nearly ankle-deep in
loose hair. They don't get much off _my_ men," said HORSLEY, proudly.
[Illustration: "So young and so iniquitous!"]
Very well, I suppose, to take those precautions. Probably they had
something to do with the almost disappointing result. Everything
passed off as quietly as if subject-matter of Debate had been India,
or Vote in Committee of Supply of odd Million or two. Ladies locked
up in Cage over SPEAKER's Chair, with lime-lights playing on placards
hung on walls enforcing "Silence!" Cunningly arranged that SAM SMITH
should come on early with speech. This lasted full hour, and had
marvellously sedative effect. Some stir in Gallery when, later,
ASQUITH demolished Bill with merciless logic. Through the iron bars,
that in this case make a Cage, there came, as he spoke, a shrill
whisper, "So young and so iniquitous!" Prince ARTHUR, dexterously
intervening, soothed the angry breast by his chivalrous advocacy of
Woman's Rights. As he resumed his seat there floated over the charmed
House, coming "So young and so as it were from heavenly spheres above
the iniquitous!" SPEAKER's Chair, a cooing whisper, "What a love of a
man!"
Business done.--Woman's Suffrage Bill rejected by 175 Votes against
152.
Friday Night.--Little sparring match between Front Benches. Mr.
G. and all his merry men anxious, above all things, to know when
Dissolution will dawn? SQUIRE OF MALWOOD starts inquiry. Prince ARTHUR
interested, but ignorant. Can't understand why people should always
be talking about Dissolution. Here we have best of all Ministries, a
sufficient majority, an excellent programme, and barely reached the
month of May. Why can't we get on with our work, and cease indulgence
in these wild imaginings? Next week, on BLANE's Motion, there will
be opportunity for Mr. G. to explain his Home Rule scheme. Let him
contentedly look forward to pasturing on that joy, and not trouble
his head about indefinite details like Dissolutions.
This speech the best thing Prince ARTHUR has done since he became
Leader.
Business done.--None.
* * * * *
SEASONABLE WEATHER.
The sunshine is cheerful, I'll call upon STELLA,
The girl I am pledged to, and ask her for tea.
It's a summer-suit day, I can leave my umbrella;
Mother Nature smiles kindly on STELLA and me.
With my silver-topped cane, and my boots (patent leather),
My hat polished smoothly, a gloss on my hair,
Yes, I think I shall charm her, and as to the weather,
I am safe--the barometer points to "Set Fair."
So I'm off--why, what's that? Yes, by Jove, there's a sputter
Of rain on the pavement!--the sunshine retires;
And I wish, oh, I wish that my tongue dared to utter
The thoughts that this changeable weather inspires.
Back, back to my rooms; I am drenched and disgusted;
In thick boots and an ulster I'll tempt it again;
And accurst be the hour when I foolishly trusted
The barometer's index, which now points to "Rain."
Well, I'll trudge it on foot with umbrella and "bowler,"--
My STELLA thinks more of a man than his dress.
I can buy her some bonbons or gloves to console her.
Though I'm rigged like a navvy, she'll love me no less.
Let the showers pour down, I am dressed to defy them--
Bad luck to the rain, why, it's passing away!
The streets are quite gay with the sunshine to dry them.
Well, there, I give up, and retire for the day!
* * * * *
NOTICE.--Rejected Communications or Contributions, whether MS.,
Printed Matter, Drawings, or Pictures of any description, will in no
case be returned, not even when accompanied by a Stamped and Addressed
Envelope, Cover, or Wrapper. To this rule there will be no exception.