"Gentlemen, I need scarcely remind you, that we have a joint
interest in the valuable property which has accumulated under our
common labours. While the public have been idly engaged in
ascribing to one individual or another the immense mass of various
matter, which the labours of many had accumulated, you, gentlemen,
well know, that every person in this numerous assembly has had his
share in the honours and profits of our common success. It is,
indeed, to me a mystery, how the sharp-sighted could suppose so
huge a mass of sense and nonsense, jest and earnest, humorous and
pathetic, good, bad, and indifferent, amounting to scores of
volumes, could be the work of one hand, when we know the doctrine
so well laid down by the immortal Adam Smith, concerning the
division of labour. Were those who entertained an opinion so
strange, not wise enough to know, that it requires twenty pairs of
hands to make a thing so trifling as a pin--twenty couple of dogs
to kill an animal so insignificant as a fox?--"
"Hout, man!" said a stout countryman, "I have a grew-bitch at home
will worry the best tod in Pomoragrains, before ye could say,
Dumpling."
"Who is that person?" said the Preses, with some warmth, as it
appeared to us.
"A son of Dandy Dinmont's," answered the unabashed rustic. "God,
ye may mind him, I think!--ane o' the best in your aught, I
reckon. And, ye see, I am come into the farm, and maybe something
mair, and a whoen shares in this buik-trade of yours."
"Well, well," replied the Preses, "peace, I pray thee, peace.
Gentlemen, when thus interrupted, I was on the point of
introducing the business of this meeting, being, as is known to
most of you, the discussion of a proposition now on your table,
which I myself had the honour to suggest at last meeting, namely,
that we do apply to the Legislature for an Act of Parliament in
ordinary, to associate us into a corporate body, and give us a
_personi standi in judicio_, with full power to prosecute and
bring to conviction all encroachers upon our exclusive privilege,
in the manner therein to be made and provided. In a letter from
the ingenious Mr. Dousterswivel which I have received---"
Oldbuck, warmly--"I object to that fellow's name being mentioned;
he is a common swindler."
"For shame, Mr. Oldbuck," said the Preses, "to use such terms
respecting the ingenious inventor of the great patent machine
erected at Groningen, where they put in raw hemp at one end, and
take out ruffled shirts at the other, without the aid of hackle or
rippling-comb--loom, shuttle, or weaver--scissors, needle, or
seamstress. He had just completed it, by the addition of a piece
of machinery to perform the work of the laundress; but when it was
exhibited before his honour the burgomaster, it had the
inconvenience of heating the smoothing-irons red-hot; excepting
which, the experiment was entirely satisfactory. He will become as
rich as a Jew."
"Well," added Mr. Oldbuck, "if the scoundrel--"
"Scoundrel, Mr. Oldbuck," said the Preses, "is a most unseemly
expression, and I must call you to order. Mr. Dousterswivel is
only an eccentric genius."
"Pretty much the same in the Greek," muttered Mr. Oldbuck; and
then said aloud, "and if this eccentric genius has work enough in
singeing the Dutchman's linen, what the devil has he to do here?"
"Why, he is of opinion, that at the expense of a little mechanism,
some part of the labour of composing these novels might be saved
by the use of steam." There was a murmur of disapprobation at this
proposal, and the words, "Blown up," and "Bread taken out of our
mouths," and "They might as well construct a steam parson," were
whispered. And it was not without repeated calls to order, that
the Preses obtained an opportunity of resuming his address.
"Order!--Order! Pray, support the chair. Hear, hear, hear the
chair!"
"Gentlemen, it is to be premised, that this mechanical operation
can only apply to those parts of the narrative which are at
present composed out of commonplaces, such as the love-speeches of
the hero, the description of the heroine's person, the moral
observations of all sorts, and the distribution of happiness at
the conclusion of the piece. Mr. Dousterswivel has sent me some
drawings, which go far to show, that by placing the words and
phrases technically employed on these subjects, in a sort of
framework, like that of the Sage of Laputa, and changing them by
such a mechanical process as that by which weavers of damask alter
their patterns, many new and happy combinations cannot fail to
occur, while the author, tired of pumping his own brains, may have
an agreeable relaxation in the use of his fingers."
"I speak for information, Mr. Preses," said the Rev. Mr. Lawrence
Templeton; "but I am inclined to suppose the late publication of
Walladmor to have been the work of Dousterswivel, by the help of
the steam-engine." [Footnote: A Romance, by the Author of
Waverley, having been expected about this time at the great
commercial mart of literature, the Fair of Leipsic, an ingenious
gentleman of Germany, finding that none such appeared, was so kind
as to supply its place with a work, in three volumes, called
Walladmor, to which he prefixed the Christian and surname at full
length. The character of this work is given with tolerable
fairness in the text. ]
"For shame, Mr. Templeton," said the Preses; "there are good
things in Walladmor, I assure you, had the writer known any thing
about the country in which he laid the scene."
"Or had he had the wit, like some of ourselves, to lay the scene
in such a remote or distant country that nobody should be able to
back-speer [Footnote: Scottish for cross-examine him.] him," said
Mr. Oldbuck.
"Why, as to that," said the Preses, "you must consider the thing
was got up for the German market, where folks are no better judges
of Welsh manners than of Welsh crw." [Footnote: The ale of the
ancient British is called crw in their native language.]
"I make it my prayer that this be not found the fault of our own
next venture," said Dr. Dryasdust, pointing to some books which
lay on the table. "I fear the manners expressed in that
'Betrothed' of ours, will scarce meet the approbation of the
Cymmerodion; I could have wished that Llhuyd had been looked into
--that Powel had been consulted--that Lewis's History had been
quoted, the preliminary dissertations particularly, in order to
give due weight to the work."
"Weight!" said Captain Clutterbuck; "by my soul, it is heavy
enough already, Doctor."
"Speak to the chair," said the Preses, rather peevishly.
"To the chair, then, I say it," said Captain Clutterbuck, "that
'The Betrothed' is heavy enough to break down the chair of John of
Gaunt, or Cador-Edris itself. I must add, however, that, in my
poor mind, 'The Talisman' goes more trippingly off." [Footnote:
This was an opinion universally entertained among the friends of
the author.]
"It is not for me to speak," said the worthy minister of Saint
Ronan's Well; "but yet I must say, that being so long engaged upon
the Siege of Ptolemais, my work ought to have been brought out,
humble though it be, before any other upon a similar subject at
least."
"Your Siege, Parson!" said Mr. Oldbuck, with great contempt; "will
you speak of your paltry prose-doings in my presence, whose great
Historical Poem, in twenty books, with notes in proportion, has
been postponed _ad Grcecas Kalendas?_" The Preses, who
appeared to suffer a great deal during this discussion, now spoke
with dignity and determination. "Gentlemen," he said, "this sort
of discussion is highly irregular. There is a question before you,
and to that, gentlemen, I must confine your attention. Priority of
publication, let me remind you, gentlemen, is always referred to
the Committee of Criticism, whose determination on such subjects
is without appeal. I declare I will leave the chair, if any more
extraneous matter be introduced.--And now, gentlemen, that we are
once more in order, I would wish to have some gentleman speak upon
the question, whether, as associated to carry on a joint-stock
trade in fictitious narrative, in prose and verse, we ought not to
be incorporated by Act of Parliament? What say you, gentlemen, to
the proposal? _Vis unita fortior_, is an old and true adage."
"_Societas mater discordiarum_, is a brocard as ancient and
as veritable," said Oldbuck, who seemed determined, on this
occasion, to be pleased with no proposal that was announced by the
chair.
"Come, Monkbarns," said the Preses, in his most coaxing manner,
"you have studied the monastic institutions deeply, and know there
must be a union of persons and talents to do any thing
respectable, and attain a due ascendance over the spirit of the
age. _Tres faciunt collegium_--it takes three monks to make a
convent."
"And nine tailors to make a man," replied Oldbuck, not in the
least softened in his opposition; "a quotation as much to the
purpose as the other."
"Come, come," said the Preses, "you know the Prince of Orange
said to Mr. Seymour, 'Without an association, we are a rope of
sand.'"
"I know," replied Oldbuck, "it would have been as seemly that none
of the old leaven had been displayed on this occasion, though you
be the author of a Jacobite novel. I know nothing of the Prince of
Orange after 1688; but I have heard a good deal of the immortal
William the Third."
"And to the best of my recollection," said Mr. Templeton,
whispering to Oldbuck, "it was Seymour made the remark to the
Prince, not the Princo to Seymour. But this is a specimen of our
friend's accuracy, poor gentleman: He trusts too much to his
memory! of late years--failing fast, sir--breaking up."
"And breaking down, too," said Mr. Oldbuck. "But what can you
expect of a man too fond of his own hasty and flashy compositions,
to take the assistance of men of reading and of solid parts?"
"No whispering--no caballing--no private business, gentlemen,"
said the unfortunate Preses, who reminded us somewhat of a
Highland drover engaged in gathering and keeping in the straight
road his excursive black cattle.
"I have not yet heard," he continued, "a single reasonable
objection to applying for the Act of Parliament, of which the
draught lies on the table. You must be aware that the extremes of
rude and of civilized society are, in these our days, on the point
of approaching to each other. In the patriarchal period, a man is
his own weaver, tailor, butcher, shoemaker, and so forth; and, in
the age of Stock-companies, as the present may be called, an
individual may be said, in one sense, to exercise the same
plurality of trades. In fact, a man who has dipt largely into
these speculations, may combine his own expenditure with the
improvement of his own income, just like the ingenious hydraulic
machine, which, by its very waste, raises its own supplies of
water. Such a person buys his bread from his own Baking Company,
his milk and cheese from his own Dairy Company, takes off a new
coat for the benefit of his own Clothing Company, illuminates his
house to advance his own Gas Establishment, and drinks an
additional bottle of wine for the benefit of the General Wine
Importation Company, of which he is himself a member. Every act,
which would otherwise be one of mere extravagance, is, to such a
person, seasoned with the _odor lucri_, and reconciled to
prudence. Even if the price of the article consumed be
extravagant, and the quality indifferent, the person, who is in a
manner his own customer, is only imposed upon for his own benefit.
Nay, if the Joint-stock Company of Undertakers shall unite with
the Medical Faculty, as proposed by the late facetious Doctor G--,
under the firm of Death and the Doctor, the shareholder might
contrive to secure to his heirs a handsome slice of his own death-
bed and funeral expenses. In short, Stock-Companies are the
fashion of the age, and an Incorporating Act will, I think, be
particularly useful in bringing back the body, over whom I have
the honour to preside, to a spirit of subordination, highly
necessary to success in every enterprise where joint wisdom,
talent, and labour, are to be employed. It is with regret that I
state, that, besides several differences amongst yourselves, I
have not myself for some time been treated with that deference
among you which circumstances entitled me to expect."
"_Hinc illa lachryma_," muttered Mr. Oldbuck.
"But," continued the Chairman, "I see other gentlemen impatient to
deliver their opinions, and I desire to stand in no man's way. I
therefore--my place in this chair forbidding me to originate the
motion--beg some gentleman may move a committee for revising the
draught of the bill now upon the table, and which has been duly
circulated among those having interest, and take the necessary
measures to bring it before the House early next session."
There was a short murmur in the meeting, and at length Mr. Oldbuck
again rose. "It seems, sir," he said, addressing the chair, "that
no one present is willing to make the motion you point at. I am
sorry no more qualified person has taken upon him to show any
reasons in the contrair, and that it has fallen on me, as we
Scotsmen say, to bell-the-cat with you; anent whilk phrase,
Pitscottie hath a pleasant jest of the great Earl of Angus--"
Here a gentleman whispered to the speaker, "Have a care of
Pitscottie" and, Mr. Oldbuck, as if taking the hint, went on.
"But that's neither here nor there--Well, gentlemen, to be short,
I think it unnecessary to enter into the general reasonings whilk
have this day been delivered, as I may say, _ex cathedra_;
nor will I charge our worthy Preses with an attempt to obtain over
us, _per ambages_, and under colour of an Act of Parliament,
a despotic authority, inconsistent with our freedom. But this I
will say, that times are so much changed above stairs, that
whereas last year you might have obtained an act incorporating a
Stock Company for riddling ashes, you will not be able to procure
one this year for gathering pearls. What signifies, then, wasting
the time of the meeting, by inquiring whether or not we ought to
go in at a door which we know to be bolted and barred in our face,
and in the face of all the companies for fire or air, land or
water, which we have of late seen blighted!"
Here there was a general clamour, seemingly of approbation, in
which the words might be distinguished, "Needless to think of it"--
"Money thrown away"--"Lost before the committee," &c. &c. &c. But
above the tumult, the voices of two gentlemen, in different
corners of the room, answered each other clear and loud, like the
blows of the two figures on Saint Dunstan's clock; and although
the Chairman, in much agitation, endeavoured to silence them, his
interruption had only the effect of cutting their words up into
syllables, thus,--
_First Voice_. "The Lord Chan--"
_Second Voice_. "The Lord Lau--"
_Chairman_, (loudly.) "Scandalum magnatum!"
_First Voice_. "The Lord Chancel--"
_Second Voice_. "The Lord Lauder--"
_Chairman_, (_louder yet_.) "Breach of Privilege!"
_First Voice_. "The Lord Chancellor--"
_Second Voice_. "My Lord Lauderdale--"
_Chairman_, (_at the highest pitch of his voice_.)
"Called before the House!"
_Both Voices together_. "Will never consent to such a bill."
A general assent seemed to follow this last proposition, which was
propounded with as much emphasis as could be contributed by the
united clappers of the whole meeting, joined to those of the
voices already mentioned.
Several persons present seemed to consider the business of the
meeting as ended, and were beginning to handle their hats and
canes, with a view to departure, when the Chairman, who had thrown
himself back in his chair, with an air of manifest mortification
and displeasure, again drew himself up, and commanded attention.
All stopped, though some shrugged their shoulders, as if under the
predominating influence of a _bore_. But the tenor of his
discourse soon excited anxious attention.
"I perceive, gentlemen," he said, "that you are like the young
birds, who are impatient to leave their mother's nest--take care
your own penfeathers are strong enough to support you; since, as
for my part, I am tired of supporting on my wing such a set of
ungrateful gulls. But it signifies nothing speaking--I will no
longer avail myself of such weak ministers as you--I will discard
you--I will unbeget you, as Sir Anthony Absolute says--I will
leave you and your whole hacked stock in trade--your caverns and
your castles--your modern antiques, and your antiquated moderns--
your confusion of times, manners, and circumstances--your
properties, as player-folk say of scenery and dresses--the whole
of your exhausted expedients, to the fools who choose to deal with
them. I will vindicate my own fame with my own right hand, without
appealing to such halting assistants,
'Whom I have used for sport, rather than need.'
--I will lay my foundations better than on quicksands--I will rear
my structure of better materials than painted cards; in a word, I
will write HISTORY!"
There was a tumult of surprise, amid which our reporter detected
the following expressions:--"The devil you will!"--"You, my dear
sir, _you?_"--"The old gentleman forgets that he is the
greatest liar since Sir John Mandeville."
"Not the worse historian for that," said Oldbuck, "since history,
you know, is half fiction."
"I'll answer for that half being forthcoming" said the former
speaker; "but for the scantling of truth which is necessary after
all, Lord help us!--Geoffrey of Monmouth will be Lord Clarendon to
him."
As the confusion began to abate, more than one member of the
meeting was seen to touch his forehead significantly, while
Captain Clutterbuck humm'd
Be by your friends advised,
Too rash, too hasty, dad,
Maugre your bolts and wise head,
The world will think you mad.
"The world, and you, gentlemen, may think what you please," said
the Chairman, elevating his voice; "but I intend to write the most
wonderful book which the world ever read--a book in which every
incident shall be incredible, yet strictly true--a work recalling
recollections with which the ears of this generation once tingled,
and which shall be read by our children with an admiration
approaching to incredulity. Such shall be the LIFE OF NAPOLEON
BONAPARTE by the AUTHOR OF WAVERLEY."
In the general start and exclamation which followed this
annunciation, Mr. Oldbuck dropped his snuff-box; and the Scottish
rappee, which dispersed itself in consequence, had effects upon
the nasal organs of our reporter, ensconced as he was under the
secretary's table, which occasioned his being discovered and
extruded in the illiberal and unhandsome manner we have mentioned,
with threats of farther damage to his nose, ears, and other
portions of his body, on the part especially of Captain
Clutterbuck. Undismayed by these threats, which indeed those of
his profession are accustomed to hold at defiance, our young man
hovered about the door of the tavern, but could only bring us the
farther intelligence, that the meeting had broken up in about a
quarter of an hour after his expulsion, "in much-admired
disorder."