NOW THANK GOODNESS I’VE COME TO THAT MISCHIEVOUS YOUNG MONKEY Of A
PAGE, WHO CERTAINLY WAS MORE THAN ONE POOR WOMAN COULD MANAGE, AND
LITERALLY AND TRULY NOTHING LESS THAN A MILLSTONE ROUND MY NECK,
(IF I MAY BE ALLOWED SO STRONG AN EXPRESSION,) AND WHILE MY HAND’S
IN, I SHALL JUST TAKE THE LIBERTY OF SPEAKING MY MIND VERY FREELY
ABOUT THE GOINGS ON, TOO, OF THAT HIGHTY-FLIGHTY BEAUTY OF A NURSE
(I NEVER KNEW SUCH A NURSE) OF A MISS SARAH OF MINE.
“My pretty page.”
POPULAR DUET, _which I remember when I was at school at Boulogne,
poor Miss Rippon was so fond of singing with that impudent wretch
of a French music-master, whom she afterwards ran away with; though
what she could ever have seen in the man, is more than I could ever
make out._
“With a few alterations, oh, la!
We’ll make a beautiful boy.”
COMIC SONG.
“Of all the girls that are so smart,
There’s none like pretty Sally.”
SALLY IN OUR ALLEY.
It strikes me, now I come to think of it, that I have mentioned
somewhere before, that the only thing I prayed for when I went to bed of
a night was, that Providence would send me a servant that would live and
die with me. Consequently, it seemed to me that now or never was my time
to pitch upon some nice well-disposed lad, who would do for my page in
my prime, and grow up to be a footman to me in my old age. So what did
my stupid good-nature prompt me to do, but to march down one fine
morning to St. Giles’ workhouse, where often and often, on my way down
to Edward’s chambers, I had noticed several nice-looking boys, with
particularly clean collars, standing on the steps waiting to be taken as
apprentices. For of course I was not going to be such a silly as to take
some young monkey into my service, and then just after I had taught him
his business, to have him wanting to be off to _better_ himself,
indeed!--before his livery was thoroughly worn out, too, may be.
Besides, as we had a young family growing up about us, I felt that it
was my duty to save when I could, for all the world knows that a penny
saved is twopence gained--though I never could, for the life of me, make
out how that could be, notwithstanding I have had it explained to me by
a pack of wiseacres over and over again. And, under the circumstances,
I’m sure I didn’t see the joke of paying a matter of ten pounds a year
or so to a little chit of a thing, that would have to get on a chair to
rub down my parlour tables. So as I could have an apprentice from the
workhouse without paying any wages at all, and they’d give five pounds
into the bargain, which would just do for the brat’s livery, why I
pretty soon called upon the master of the place, to look over the stock
of youths he had on hand, and see if they were anything like the very
attractive sample he had got stuck so conspicuously at the door. But
though I had up some dozen of young urchins, I pretty soon saw that they
were nothing at all equal to the pattern outside; and the beauty of it
was, that the man wanted to persuade me that a nasty little
crumpet-faced, moist-sugar-haired, stunted orphan, was the very one to
suit me, saying, “That the lad had got more marks for morals than any
other boy in the school.” But, “No, thank you,” I replied; “I think I’ll
take that youth, if you please,” pointing to the best-looking of the
show ones; for I was determined to do the same here as I do with those
dreadful cheats of linendrapers, and be served from the superior
articles ticketed up in the window.
I wasn’t long before I had my young Turk’s livery, and a beautiful one
it was to be sure. Oh, when it came home, I think it looked the sweetest
thing I ever set eyes upon in all my life. The jacket was a claret, with
three rows of sugar-loaf buttons, as close together as a rope of onions;
and there were a pair of nice quiet dark-coloured pantaloons, running
rather into the port wine than partaking of the claret; and to guard
against the brat’s growing out of them before they were fairly worn out,
I had taken the wise precaution of having two or three tucks put in at
the bottom of them--though, really and truly for the matter of that, I
might just as well have let it alone--for positively the urchin shot up
so fast that I do think he must have grown six tucks, at least, the
first year he was with me. And the worst of it was, your clarets do fade
so, that by the time the tucks were let out, his trousers had got so
plaguy light, and the place where the tucks had been was so plaguy dark,
that upon my word the bottom of his legs had large black rings round
them like the legs of an imitation bamboo bedstead. And though I tried
to get them over his boots, yet, do as I would, I could not manage it;
for if I made him strap them down, there were a good three inches of
shirt showing all below his jacket, and if I made him brace them up,
there were all the tops of his dirty socks to be seen above his
bluchers.
I don’t know whether it was that the young monkey knew that I had bound
myself to keep him for five years or not; but he certainly did play old
gooseberry with my lovely livery in a most shameful way. Positively, he
couldn’t have had it more than a week before it was not fit to be seen,
all stained in front, and over yellow marks, like a baking dish. I’m
sure that, before a month was over his head, the knees of his trousers,
and the sleeves of his jacket, right up to the elbows, were as black and
shiny with grease as if they had been blackleaded. Over and over again
have I said to him, “Really, Wittals, it is enough to break the heart of
a saint to see the state your clothes are in! where you can think
liveries come from I can’t tell.” And though I was continually making
him take the grease spots out with turpentine, still it was only taking
a great deal of trouble and turpentine for nothing; for the next day he
would be in the same state again, and I should have the urchin going
about the house smelling for all the world as if he had been newly
painted.
As for the antics of that young Wittals, too, I declare they were enough
to worry any peaceably disposed woman into Bedlam. Not a thing could he
do like a rational creature; but I declare the young Turk was frisking
about the house like a parched pea in a pan, and running in and out like
a dog at a fair. If he had to go up stairs for anything, instead of
walking down again like a Christian, he must needs get astride the
mahogany banisters, and slide down like a monkey. Then again, if I sent
him out ever such a little way, he would be sure to be gone ten times
as long as he need be; for of course he would either be looking into all
the picture shops, or go flattening his nose against some pastrycook’s
window, eyeing the ladies and gentlemen feasting inside--or else waiting
to see some cab-horse get up--or walk miles in the opposite direction to
which I had sent him, following some trumpery Punch and Judy, or
tumblers--or either stop for hours playing at some game with buttons, or
pulling up stones and things with that nasty bit of wet leather tied to
the end of a string, which he always kept in his pocket. And when I was
wondering what on earth could have become of him, and jumping up and
running to the window every second minute to see whether there were any
signs of the young vagabond, lo and behold I should see him come
galloping along; either flying over every post on his way, or else
rattling the street-door key along the rails of every house he passed;
or if the turncock had only pulled the flag up in the middle of the
road, and turned the water on, there I should be sure to catch sight of
him, with his foot right on the hole, squirting the water out on each
side of the street, drenching all the little boys that were near, and
destroying my bluchers, as I’m a living woman.
When he was in the house, too, he was just as trying to one’s
patience--not one minute’s peace would the noisy young scamp ever let me
have. If he wasn’t playing “Happy Land” on the Jew’s-harp, he would be
safe to be trying that frightful “Nix my Dolly Pals,” or “Happy Land,”
on his hair-comb. No matter what I gave him to do--I declare he couldn’t
keep at it for more than two minutes together, but off he’d be as if he
had got nothing but quicksilver in his veins. Now, of a morning, he had
got a trumpery dozen of knives to clean, but, bless you! even they were
too much for him to do right off; for positively, as soon as he had
cleaned one of them, he’d throw himself on his hands, and cocking his
legs straight up in the air, he’d sing one verse of “Such a getting up
stairs” on his head, all the while beating time with the soles of his
feet--and then down he’d come again, do another knife, and then either
be off to the back kitchen window, where he would stand making himself
as knock-knee’d as a frog, and, turning his toes in and his elbows out,
make the most horrible faces to Betsy through the window, shouting out
to her, “Here we are,” just like the stupid clowns in the pantomime,--or
else, all of a sudden, creep into the house, and, going up behind her
back, give _such_ a whistle through his fingers right into her ear, as
would make the whole house ring again, and set one’s teeth on edge as
bad as slate pencil slid along a slate, frightening that nervous Betsy
out of her life, and making her drop whatever she might have in her
hand; while if one of those bothering organs only stopped opposite the
window, he’d throw down his work, however much I might want it done, and
rushing into the area, pull out of his pocket the bits of broken plate
he always kept there, and putting them between his fingers, keep
rattling away two in each hand, accompanying the music, till he heard me
coming down after him, and then, of course he’d rush back again, and
pretend to be working as hard as he could,--though I knew very well that
directly my back was turned, the young Jackanapes would be putting his
fingers to his nose, and making grimaces at me. Indeed, I can assure the
courteous reader, that his antics were such, and he paid so little
respect to me, when he fancied I couldn’t see him, that upon my word I
was positively afraid to go out walking with him behind me (which was
one of the things in particular I had him for), for I felt convinced
that I should have him either coming after me walking on his hands, or
else throwing himself head over heels sideways along the pavement, or,
may be, running up and squaring away close at my back. As for the little
scamp’s giving one a stylish appearance, as I had been silly enough to
fancy he would, in answering the door, bless you! quite the
contrary,--for it was ten chances to one if the young monkey didn’t rush
up either with a wooden sword thrust through his breeches pocket, and a
brown paper cocked hat stuck on his head, or even, perhaps, with his
face blacked all over with burnt cork, and covered with large bits of
the red wafers I had for the black-beetles; while if, to give one an air
above the common, I made him carry the prayer-books for me to church, I
should be certain either to hear half-a-dozen of the young monkey’s
marbles roll all down the aisle in the very middle of the sermon, or
else, if I took the precaution of making him empty his pockets before he
went there, as sure as sure could be, he would go fast asleep, and
snore as I well knew _he_ alone could snore, and until I fancied every
eye in the church was fixed upon me.
Positively it was as much as one person could do to keep that shocking
scapegrace of a Wittals from going about in actual rags; and the whole
of my mornings used to be entirely taken up in repairing his dress
livery. Either I should have to try to fine-draw the knees of his
trousers, for the twentieth time--till they looked like the heels of a
pair of old stockings--or there’d be a piece as big as the palm of your
hand torn out at the foot where the strap buttons had been--or one of
the pocket-holes slit nearly down to his knees--or else the jacket would
have one of the cuffs half off--or one of the sleeves almost out--while
as for those beautiful three rows of sugar-loaf buttons, I declare
almost every other one was missing before the week was out, and even
they were sure to be with all the silver rubbed off of them, and as
coppery looking as the plated ornaments on the harness of a hackney
coach horse.
I never knew such a boy to wait at dinner. In the parlour, of course, he
was on his best behaviour, because he knew Mr. Sk--n--st--n was there,
(a deceitful young imp!); but only let him have to fetch up any dishes
from the kitchen, and there I knew he’d be, as plainly as if I saw him,
dipping his fingers in them, and sucking them again all the way up
stairs. If by any chance I had an open-work jam tart, bless you, to
table it would come with all the marks of the tips of his fingers in the
jam, till it looked exactly like the japanned tin boxes in a lawyer’s
office; or if it was a pie, there it would be, picked all round the
edges, as if rats had been gnawing it; and no matter how much pounded
lump sugar I had given out to sprinkle over the crust, when it came up
there wouldn’t be so much as a grain on the top of it. Indeed, I never
came near such a boy for sugar as that was; lump after lump would he
steal out of my poor dear little canary’s cage as fast as I put it in;
and once I recollect when my beautiful Kate had the red-gum so bad, and
I packed Wittals off for our medical adviser, telling him to make all
the haste he could or our doctor would have left to make his morning
visits, the young monkey was gone better than an hour, though the house
is only a stone’s throw from ours. This made me so wild, that directly I
heard his sneaking ring at the bell, I rushed to the door and seized
hold of him by both arms to give him a good shaking, when, bless me, if
he wasn’t as sticky all over as a lollypop, and when I examined him a
little more, I declare his clothes were all over molasses and brown
sugar from head to foot; and then it turned out that my young Turk had
been making one of a party of urchins inside an empty sugar-cask, and
that in my _dress livery_, too. His knees and his back were literally
caked all over with the nasty brown gluey stuff, and he had got it all
sticking round his mouth, and cheeks, and chin, till his face looked
like so much sand-paper.
Further than this, I do think he was the cruelest boy that could be met
with anywhere. Not only was he always amusing himself with poking bits
of stick through the wires of my little canary’s cage, and fluttering
it, until it had no more feathers on its body than a gosling, but he led
our dog Carlo such a life that I really expected he’d drive him mad
before he’d done with him. Either he’d be throwing the cat right on top
of his back, or else he’d turn his ears inside out and tie them over his
head; or else he’d harness him, out in the garden, to the beautiful
little carriage I had bought for Kitty, and then clapping his hands and
hooting, so as to frighten the poor thing, it would start off at such a
rate that it would nearly break the chaise all to pieces against the
wall. And if he could only smuggle the poor dumb creature out of the
house with him when I sent him an errand, off he’d be to that muddy
Regent’s Canal, and amuse himself by throwing the wretched animal right
off the bridge into the water, and presently I should see it running
home with all the mud that it had been rolling itself in on the way
clinging to his beautiful curly coat, for all the world as if he had
been covered over with fuller’s earth. Nothing would please him, too,
but he must go keeping white mice in the knife-house, making the place
smell as ratty as a house in chancery; and this wasn’t enough, but the
hard-hearted young savage must let all the wretched animals die of
starvation, and wouldn’t even take the trouble to give the poor things
their food for more than a week after he had got them.
What I disliked most in the chit was his wicked deceit; for before
Edward he was so meek and gentle that you would not have fancied that he
could have said “Boh!” to a goose, and of course his master hadn’t got
wit enough to see through the young Turk, but must be telling me,
whenever I ventured to let fall a hint as to any of his tricks directly
Edward was out of the house, that he never saw a better behaved lad in
all his life, saying that I could not expect to have the head of a
grey-beard on the shoulders of a hobbledehoy. And positively Mr.
Sk--n--st--n was so taken with the artful, double-faced little brat that
he must be continually giving him a penny now, and twopence then, as
much as to say that he didn’t believe a word of what I had told him, and
was trying to see how much he could encourage the imp in his goings on.
Instead of putting all these halfpence in a money-box and saving it for
his old age, the disgraceful young spendthrift put it in his money-box
and only saved it to buy a trumpery little wooden theatre, and got that
romantic Betsy to lend him some more to buy the whole of the scenes and
characters of “THE MILLER AND HIS MEN,” so that he might act it on the
kitchen dresser, while she sat in front, wasting her valuable time, as
the audience. Often and often, when Edward’s been detained at chambers
and I’ve been sitting alone by myself of a night waiting for him to come
home, have I been almost knocked off my seat and frightened out of my
wits, by hearing a report of firearms down in the kitchen, and,
wondering what on earth could have happened, have rushed down stairs and
found that it was only Master Wittals firing off his trumpery penny
cannon, to make Miss Betsy believe that the Mill was blown up. And there
I should find her clapping her hands, as the little pocket-handkerchief
of a curtain came down in front of the grand transparency in the last
scene, which the young monkey had got up without any regard to expense,
as they say, by greasing it all over with my butter.
When I came to turn it over in my mind, it seemed as if Fate did not
think it sufficient to scourge me with that dreadful novel-reading
plague of a Betsy, but must also go sending a still greater plague to
me, in the shape of Wittals, to drive me fairly out of my wits. Though,
now that I come to think of it, I can hardly say there was a pin to
choose between them; for there were six of one and half-a-dozen of the
other, and both far too many for me. I’m sure of an evening, sometimes,
I’ve nearly gone mad with the sound of that boy’s drawling voice,
reading some highly-exciting romance, for all the world as if he were a
parish clerk going over the two first lines of a psalm. There I could
hear him droning away for hours, with his
“Li--ar,--return--ed--the--aughty--Hearl--of--H--e
--i--Hi--d--e--l--del--b--e--r--g--berg--Heidelberg--
in--a--tone--of--suppress--ed--hire--dare--you--her--
p--a--r--par--her--par--a--her--par--a--m--o--u--r
--mowr--her--par--a--mowr--speak--thus.”
Upon my word, too, that stupid Betsy filled the poor boy’s head,
directly she heard he was a foundling, with such a lot of rubbish, about
his being a “Mysterious Horphan,” and making him pull up his
shirt-sleeves to see if he had any strawberry mark by which his
parentage might be discovered, and be acknowledged as the rightful heir
to his estates, that I could have given it her well, I could; for she
had the impudence to tell the poor boy that noble blood flowed in his
veins, and actually went to the length of asking me, whether I ever
_heerd_ tell of any peer of the realm whose family name might be
Wittals?
But what disgusted me with the woman more than anything else, was, that
she was so fond of the mischievous young imp, that in order to screen
him she would stand for hours, and tell me tarrididdles as long as my
arm, and which really used to make my blood all run cold to listen to.
And even if I had seen the young monkey break one of my windows through
his nasty cruel love of throwing stones at the poor sparrows, as he
always was, she’d even then have the face to stand me out that she did
it, though I always took good care to punish her well for it, by
stopping it out of her wages--which, considering Wittals had none to
stop it out of, I wasn’t at all sorry at being obliged by her obstinacy
to do.
Owing to that monkey of a Wittals going making a pig of himself inside
the sugar cask, my doctor never came round till near upon five o’clock
to see my poor little patient angel of a Kitty, who was suffering _so_
dreadfully with her nasty--nasty tiresome teeth; and the consequence
was, that my little cherub was so much worse, and in such a burning
high fever, that I declare she lay almost powerless in my arms, not
stirring a limb, with the lids half down over her eyes, as if she were
stupified with pain in her head. I never was so much alarmed in all my
life, and I kept bathing her temples with vinegar, and crying over her,
expecting that every minute she would be going into convulsions, and
that I should be having the cherub snatched from me.
When the doctor came, he lanced her gums and ordered her to be put in a
warm bath directly, and to have three leeches put upon each temple.
Betsy put the leeches on, for it made my flesh creep to see, let alone
to handle, the nasty slimy things, like the fingers of wet black kid
gloves; and, besides, I knew I should faint dead off directly I saw my
poppit’s vital stream trickling down her little cheeks. When the nasty
things were taken off my pet, that stupid Betsy came down to me to know
if I should like them kept. “Kept!” I cried; “bless the woman, no; go
and throw them over the garden, and let the fowls at the Simmondses have
them, for Heaven’s sake.” Of course what must she do but take them down
stairs first, just to let that young monkey of a Wittals catch sight of
them, and no sooner did he set eyes upon them, than he went to work and
wheedled my lady into letting him have the filthy things to keep in one
of my old pickle bottles in his bedroom--though from all I had said to
her about the crawling creatures, she very well knew that I wouldn’t
have them in the house for all that anybody could give me; for I can’t
say how it is, but I really had a presentiment at the time that if they
were not destroyed, something awful would happen. Nor was I wrong, and
all through that wicked, story-telling, perverse Betsy, and that
good-for-nothing, careless, menagerie-keeping young imp of a
Wittals--though, for the matter of that, he wasn’t half so much to blame
as she was.
My beautiful poor little lamb of a Kate, though much better, was still
so ill that I didn’t like to let her sleep with nurse; so I told Sarah
to put her in our bed. But the little dove was so restless all night
that I couldn’t get a wink of sleep, and had to be either sitting up in
the bed trying to rock her off to sleep, or else taking it in turns with
Edward to pace the room with her in my arms, and merely a shawl over my
shoulders. The consequence of this was, that the cold and cough which
had been hanging about me ever since I was wet through, were not at all
improved the next day. So in the morning, when Mr. Jupp, our medical
adviser, called to see my little trot, I asked him if he would be good
enough to send me round another box of the very nice cough lozenges
which he had in his shop, and which had already done me a world of good.
“Feed a cold and starve a fever,” says the old adage, and so I will,
said I; but as I didn’t see the fun of leaving it to Miss Betsy to
choose the very food that I was going to put into my mouth, I thought,
that since it was a nice fine warm day, if I wrapt myself up as close as
I could, and put my thick boots on with my cork socks in them, it
couldn’t possibly do me any harm just toddling round to our butcher’s,
to see what he had in his shop to tempt me. When I got there, I found to
my great delight that he had got two of as lovely-looking little lambs’
sweetbreads as it was ever my good fortune to see; and I was just going
to tell him to send them home when, as luck would have it, I turned
round and caught sight of a most beautiful picture of a round of beef,
all streaked with red and white like a barber’s pole; and when I thought
how deliciously it would eat stewed, with plenty of vegetables chopped
up, and a rich thick brown gravy--into which a glass of port wine had
been poured--I was torn to pieces between the two; and went and looked
first at the sweetbreads and then at the beef, for I didn’t know which I
should like best, and I told the butcher’s wife that I really couldn’t
tell what to do. At last she persuaded me to have the sweetbreads for
dinner that day, and the round on the morrow, especially, as she very
truly said, the beef would be all the better for keeping. So I had them
both, and ordering three quarters of a pound of beef steak for
Edward--which, with a batter pudding to follow, would do very well I
thought for our dinner that evening--galloped back home, as pleased as
Punch that I had stepped round to the butcher’s myself, little dreaming
of what was to be the fate of my beautiful round of beef after all.
The sweetbreads were _delicious!_ though that disagreeable monster of
an Edward, seeing I was ill, of course tried to spoil my dinner, by
declaring that his steaks were as tough and as stringy as corduroys. But
I soon silenced my gentleman, by telling him that at any rate I had got
a dinner for him on the morrow which was fit for the Emperor of China
himself to sit down to; though I had a good bit of fun by not telling
him _what_ it was; and keeping on tantalizing him till I made him guess
almost all through the cookery book, for, not being overfond of stewed
beef, of course he never dreamt it was that.
Next morning, I went down into the kitchen, at my usual hour, to see
about our dinner. To make sure that Miss Betsy had not been treating
herself and _that_ Wittals to a hot supper off my round of beef, as I
knew, from the savoury smell there used to be down stairs very often of
a night, she was in the habit of doing, though I had never been lucky
enough to catch her in the fact, I just stepped into the larder to see
that a slice hadn’t been taken off. At the first glance I caught of the
round, I thought it had a very strange look about it, for it seemed to
have lost the beautiful rich colour it had. So as our larder was rather
dark, I told Betsy to carry it into the kitchen, and put it on the
dresser. When I saw it fairly in the light, oh dear! oh dear! if it
wasn’t as white as parchment! “What on earth _have_ you been doing to
this meat, you good-for-nothing woman, you?” I exclaimed, drawing it
close to me; “and what, in the name of all that’s filthy, are these
black things?” I continued, just going to take hold of one of them, when
I saw it move, and then, goodness gracious, the truth burst upon me!
“Oh, you shameful, disobedient minx, if these are not the very leeches
that I told you to throw into Mr. Simmonds’s garden.” And when I came to
look well into the bleached round of beef, positively there were as many
as four of the filthy, slimy vampires, who, having sucked the thing
quite white, and till they were nearly as big as small black puddings,
were now hanging down the sides, for all the world like the tails on my
imitation ermine tippet. “Where have you put the other two?” I
exclaimed, in a most tremendous passion; “tell me this minute, or I’ll
have you up before a magistrate, for wilfully destroying my property, I
will.” This put my lady in such a fright that she wasn’t long in
pointing them out to me on the wash-hand-stand in Wittals’s room; and it
was lucky I found them as soon as I did, for their noses were just over
the rim of the bottle, and if I’d been a minute later, I should have had
them crawling about the house, and fastening upon the legs of goodness
knows who.
I caught hold of the bottle, and poking the things back into the water
with the end of the young urchin’s hair brush, I rushed with the whole
concern down to the end of the garden, and threw the voracious little
black monsters, bottle and all, right into the Simmondses’
garden--though, as it afterwards turned out, it would have been much
better if I had left them where I had found them--for no sooner did that
young monkey of a Wittals miss his darling leeches, and learn from Miss
Betsy what had become of them, than he must needs go clambering over the
wall, and, not content with bringing them back into the house again,
must go putting them into one of my empty lozenge boxes, and leaving it
on the dresser with the filthy things inside of it, while he went to get
another bottle to keep them in, as I afterwards found out, to my cost.
However, to come back to myself. Directly I returned to the kitchen,
after having thrown the black brutes over the wall, I turned round to
Miss Betsy, and said, “Throw that meat away, you nasty, perverse,
self-willed minx; I wont have such meat cooked in _my_ house, and if I
don’t make you pay for another piece for me out of your next quarter, I
hope I may never know the taste of a round of beef again--that’s all.”
Scarcely could I have been up stairs more than a quarter of an hour,
than it struck me, that not only would it be a sad pity to waste such a
beautiful piece of meat as that was when I saw it in the butcher’s shop,
but I had already threatened to stop so many things out of Miss Betsy’s
next quarter, that I felt convinced she could never pay for half of
them. So off I trotted down stairs again, and told Betsy that, as a
punishment, she and Wittals should have nothing else for their dinners
but that very round of beef, until it was all gone. Just as I was going
up stairs again, I happened to cast my eye on the dresser, and what
should I see but a lozenge-box; so, of course, fancying I must have
left it there when I was down before, I took it up, and putting it in my
pocket, returned to the parlour, little thinking that it was the very
one into which young Wittals had, not five minutes before, put his two
beastly pet leeches.
Upon my word, the chill I had taken had settled into such a dreadful
cold in the head, that really when I sat down to my work again in the
parlour, I couldn’t do a stitch of work for it; and though, thanks to
Mr. Jupp’s lozenges, my cough was much better, still my poor head was so
bad, that I couldn’t let my handkerchief remain quiet in my pocket for
two moments together;--and just after Betsy had taken the milk in for
tea, I was seized with a violent fit of sneezing, and I had no sooner
put my pocket handkerchief to my nose than I felt a sharp twinge at the
end of it, just as if some one was driving a needle right in between my
nostrils. When I snatched my handkerchief away, I was as certain as
possible that there was something heavy hanging at the end of it, for I
could not only feel it, but when I squinted down, I could see some dark
coloured thing dangling backwards and forwards; I rushed to the mirror,
to learn what on earth it could be--when, augh! if there wasn’t a long
black beast of a large leech sticking quite fast to my nasal organ, just
like the drop to a jet ear-ring. I gave a loud scream, and put up my
handkerchief to take hold of the reptile, when, oh, la! if another of
the nasty filthy brutes didn’t roll right out of it on to the rug.
No sooner did my poor dear Carlo, who was lying before the fire, see
something fall, than up he jumped, and began sniffing away at it, and
turning it over and over with his nose, until I declare if the reptile
didn’t fasten right upon it; and there he was scampering about the room,
with one of the brutes dangling to _his_ nasal organ as well, tossing
his head about, and growling away all the time like a mad thing; as for
pulling the one at the end of _mine_ off, positively it was a waste of
time to try; for really and truly, the creature clung as fast as a
barnacle, and besides being as slippery as an eel, was as elastic as
Indian rubber. Off I flew to the bell, and pulled it hard enough to have
pulled it down, all the time shaking my head away, in the hopes that I
should be able to jerk the creature off, before that snail of a Betsy
came with the salt--which, however, was the only means of getting rid
of it--and which I’m sure she was ten minutes, if she was a second, in
bringing to me.
As soon as the leech was off, I turned round upon Miss Betsy, and
showing her the little star that the long black ogre had made at the end
of my nose, (which really was as white as a parsnip too,) I told her to
look _there_, and see how her wickedness had marked me to my dying day,
(and sure enough I’ve got the scar now,) and then ask herself if she
thought it was likely that I was going to keep her in my establishment
another moment after such treatment as that. However, there was one
thing that I could tell her, and that was, that I wasn’t--so I very
civilly told her to go and pack up her trumpery things and rubbishing
romances, and be out of the house before half-an-hour was over her head;
and so, thank goodness gracious, the stupid, sentimental, novel-reading,
leech-preserving hussy was.
As for that Master Wittals, I told Edward that either he or I must leave
the house. And as I knew Mr. Sk--n--st--n wanted a sharp active lad in
his office, and Wittals was sharp and active enough, Heaven knows, why,
I made Edward take him down to L--nc--ln’s Inn, the very following
morning, where he could try and see if he could manage the wild young
colt.
Now, thank goodness, it is Miss Sarah’s turn!
Though I had her in the house while Betsy and Wittals were there, still,
as I kept her closely locked up in the nursery, of course I thought
there was no fear of her being spoilt by the other two. But, bless you,
she didn’t want any _spoiling_, for I do think I never came near such an
artful, deceitful, prudish, straight-laced vixen as that girl was. At
first, I thought she was a pattern of virtue and affection, and that she
loved children as much as she led me to believe she hated the men. My
little Kate was nothing more nor less than “an angel dropped down from
the skies, it was”--according to her; and it was always, “such a shame
not to let it have what it wanted, a dear,”--with her nasty double-faced
“bless its dear little heart!” and “love its sweet little eyes!” to my
face; and then, how she would beat it, and pinch it, and shake it,
behind my back--oh my! She would never marry, she wouldn’t, oh no! the
men were such nasty selfish things, to her thinking, that she couldn’t
bear the sight of them--not she; and all the while she would be lolling,
nearly the whole of the day, half way out of the window, ogling and
grinning at every whipper-snapper of a fellow that came within leer of
the place. But if I had thought for a moment, I might have known that it
would be the case. Any one would have fancied, I dare say, that I was
sick and tired of pretty maids, after the way in which Miss Susan went
on. But what was I to do? Either I must have my little cherub catching
the expression of some common-looking servant girl, or else, if I had a
decent-looking maid, with a pleasant face of her own for the little
chick to look at, then I must be plagued to death by a pack of idle
vagabonds of young men, always dancing at her heels wherever she went,
and the girl looking after them instead of my little lamb. Then I used
to send her out, like a stupid, into the Regent’s Park, for what I
fancied was an airing for the child. Pretty airing, indeed! But more of
this hereafter.
Well, one day, just after the new cook came in, I had packed off Miss
Innocence with my darling poppit, in her little carriage, for a nice
hour’s ride in the park. And as I watched little Kate down the street, I
thought she did look _so_ nice with her beautiful white feather coming
over her straw hat, and her neat little green silk pelisse, which I had
made on purpose for the little darling out of my old scarf,--and when I
saw Sarah making the little dear shake its little, fat, tiny hand to me
across the road, I couldn’t help saying to myself, “Well, I’m glad the
girl’s fond of it, as I do think I should have fretted my life out, if I
fancied that a servant of mine ill-treated or neglected any of my little
ones.”
Kitty’s little dinner had been ready more than half-an-hour, and yet
there were no signs of Sarah’s return with the pet, so I felt sure that
either she had mistaken the time, or else--as it was a very fine
day--had gone for a little longer walk than usual; and then, as I
thought a mouthful of fresh air wouldn’t hurt me, and it was such
charming weather, I ran up stairs and slipt on my bonnet and scarf, and
determined on going and meeting them as they came home. “Ah!” I said to
myself, while I was putting on my things, “now if that child had been
out with any other person than a steady girl like Sarah, I should have
been very much alarmed. And isn’t it much cheaper, now, to give a pound
or two extra wages, and feel assured that wherever your child might go,
and however long she might be away from you, she is, at least, out of
harm’s way, and couldn’t be in better hands even if she were at home.”
So off I went, consoling myself in this way, and thinking what a dinner
the little poppit would make after being out in the air so long. As I
knew Sarah in general promenaded up and down the broad walk, because, in
the first place, there were no horses and carriages there; and,
secondly, the keepers always take care to protect a poor lone woman from
insult, as she said; as I knew that I should be sure to find her there,
I made the best of my way towards that quarter. Just as I had got about
half way down, I thought I saw some one very like her coming up the path
towards me; but when I looked again, I was satisfied it couldn’t be
Sarah, for there was a young man with her, who was continually poking
his head under her bonnet, and looking up in her face. And yet, when the
young woman came nearer, I knew it was my maid, by the carriage and my
little Kitty’s bonnet and feather. I felt convinced that the poor girl
was making the best of her way towards the keeper, to avoid the young
man’s persecutions, and I stood still, expecting every minute to see her
give the monkey in charge. But when I beheld my lady march right past
the man in the green livery, and, indeed, with her head turned the other
way, I couldn’t help saying to myself--“Well, now, there’s deceit for
you! Oh! you hate the men, do you?” And scarcely had I said it, when a
great Newfoundland dog came tearing behind the carriage, and turned it
right over on its side; and though my little pet began screaming away,
still my lady was so wrapt up in the nonsense the fellow was stuffing
into her head, that, bless you! she no more heard the screams of my
darling than she seemed to be aware the carriage was upset; for on she
went, flirting away, casting die-away looks at the fellow, and tapping
his hand with her trumpery parasol, as much as to say--“Go along with
you, do, you naughty, naughty man,” while she kept dragging the carriage
after her, flat on its side, as it
[Illustration: “_Out for an airing._”]
was, and my little beauty, all along the gravel, as if it had been a
garden-roller. Directly I saw the chaise upset, I ran towards the minx
as fast as my legs would carry me; but even then I couldn’t reach her in
time enough to save my pretty cherub; and when I got up to it--oh, dear
me! if its sweet little face wasn’t scored all over like crackling, and
the gravel sticking into her cheeks for all the world like a bit of
asphalte pavement.
I could have looked over this misfortune, (although, if the courteous
reader will believe me, my little Kate has got some of the grits in her
cheeks to this very day, and you can feel the gravel under the skin,
like the stones in currants,) but it was the woman’s nasty, wicked
deceit, in making me believe that she hated the very sight of a man,
that set me against her. But I put a stop to those walks in the Park
pretty soon. No wonder she was so anxious to take the child out to do it
good--a toad!
What made me not like to part with her, however, was, that she seemed so
head over ears in love with my little beauty, that I felt quite an
interest in the woman, and was stupid enough to believe, that if I could
only keep her away from that bothering Regent’s Park, and the lawyers’
clerks out of place, that are always lolloping about on the seats there,
she would go on very well. Still, notwithstanding all the affection she
made such a show of towards my little life, Edward and I used to remark
that the child was always crying when it was up in the nursery; and when
we asked her what was the reason of it all, leave her alone for having
some taradiddle always ready at the tip of her tongue, by way of answer.
Oh! then it was either the little love was fretting after its dear
mamma, or else its poor teeth were wherreting its poor soul out, and the
little Goody Two Shoes was ready to tear its little mouth to pieces, it
was! (Was there ever such a double-faced crocodile?) But the mystery was
soon cleared up; for one fine morning, a nice old silver-haired
gentleman knocked at the door a few minutes after my lady had come in
with my pet from its airing, (which had done it _so_ much good, that it
had got _such_ an appetite for its little dinner, I couldn’t tell!) and,
like a good old soul, said he had called to tell me that he had seen
that Miss Sarah of mine (who was _so_ fond of my Kate that she could
eat her!) ill-treating the poor little dear so shamefully in the open
streets, that he couldn’t help following her home, and informing me of
it. Directly the dear old gentleman had gone, I had my little cherub
down, and, stripping it, lo! and behold, if the little dear’s white skin
wasn’t dappled all over black and blue, with the pinches _that_
deceitful, hard-hearted nurse of mine had given it, till positively it
had more the appearance of a little iron grey pony than a human being!
Oh! how my fingers _did_ itch to be about the creature!
So I got rid of that deceitful bit of goods very soon, I can assure you;
and so, indeed, I did of a number of others after her; for, upon my
word, they are all alike, whether they are cooks, or housemaids, or
nurserymaids, or pages, or footmen, it’s the same story over and over
again--worry, worry--bother, bother--from morning till night, and not a
moment’s peace to be had for love or money. A maid-of-all-work was quite
a match for me; but, when we got on in the world, so as to be able to
afford a footman--Lord bless me! I was positively mad from the moment I
got up to the moment I went to bed again. Now, there was that lazy,
impudent, fat footman of a Duffy. I’m sure he was--but my courteous
readers must excuse me entering into particulars at present. They will
be able to judge of the character my gentleman was from Mr. Cruikshank’s
admirable plate. But it wasn’t only the laziness and cool impudence of
the fat pig that pleased me, but he had a nasty way of--but I’m sorry to
say I must reserve it all for another chapter.