Thy Winter blows; no shelt'ring skreen
They stretch, no graceful shade they fling
Around the tree.
Yet grant, just Fate, each wretch so mean,
Like EDEN, pining in his spleen
For posts, for stars, for strings, may swing
On two stout posts in hempen string!
Few eyes would drop a tear, I ween,
Around the tree.
ANOTHER.
"The JORDAN have you been to see?"
Cried FOX, when late with shuffling plea,
Poor EDEN stammer'd at excuse,
But why the JORDAN introduce?
What JORDAN too will here agree?
That JORDAN which from spot could free
One man unclean here vain would be:
If yet those powers of wond'rous use
The JORDAN have!
One fitter JORDAN of the three
Would I for EDEN's meed decree;
With me then open every sluice,
And foaming high with streams profuse,
For EDENS head may all with me
The JORDAN have!
ANOTHER.
For EDEN's place, where circling round
EUPHRATES wash'd the hallow'd mound,
The learned long in vain have sought;
'Twas GREECE, 'twas POLAND, some have taught;
Some hold it in the deluge drown'd:
PITT thinks his search at PARIS crown'd;
See the Gazette his proofs expound!
Yet who of looking there had thought
For EDEN's place!
No;--view yon frame with dirt embrown'd,
Some six feet rais'd above the ground,
Where rogues, exalted as they ought,
To peep through three round holes are brought,
There will the genuine spot be found
For EDEN's place!
EPIGRAMS
_On the_ IMMACULATE BOY
That Master PITT seems
To be fond of extremes,
No longer is thought any riddle;
For sure we may say,
'Tis as plain as the day,
That he always kept clear of the middle.
ANOTHER.
'Tis true, indeed, we oft abuse him,
Because he bends to no man;
But Slander's self dares not accuse him
Of stiffness to a woman.
ANOTHER.
"No! no! for my virginity,
When I lose that," quoth PITT, "I'll die;"
Cries WILBERFORCE, "If not till then,
By G--d you must outlive all men[1]."
ANOTHER[2].
On _fair and equal_ terms to place
An union is thy care;
But trust me, POWIS, in this case
The _equal_ should not please his Grace,
And PITT dislikes the _fair_.
ANOTHER.
The virulent fair,
Protest and declare,
This Ministry's not to their hearts;
For say what they will,
To them Master BILL
Has never discover'd his parts.
ANOTHER.
----_Ex nihilo nil fit._
When PITT exclaim'd, "By measures I'll be tried,"
That false appeal all woman-kind denied.
ANOTHER.
Incautious Fox will oft repose
In fair one's bosom thoughts of worth;
But PITT his secrets keeps so close,
No female arts can draw them forth.
ANOTHER.
Had PITT to his advice inclined,
SIR CECIL had undone us;
But he, a friend to womankind,
Would nothing lay upon us.
ANCILLA.
ANOTHER.
_On_ Mr. PITT's _Prudence_.
Though PITT have to women told some things, no doubt;
Yet his private affairs they have never found out.
ANOTHER.
Who dares assert that virtuous PITT
Partakes in female pleasures;
For know there ne'er was woman yet
Could e'er endure half measures.
ANOTHER.
_Puer loquitur._
Though big with mathematic pride,
By me this axiom is denied;
I can't conceive, upon my soul,
My parts are equal to the _whole_.
[1] "No! no! for my virginity,
When I lose that," quoth PITT, "I'll die;
Behind the elms last night," quoth DICK,
"Rose, were you not extremely sick?" PRIOR.
[2] A coalition between the DUKE OF PORTLAND and Mr. PITT, was
attempted to be formed by Mr. POWIS, and the other Country
Gentlemen.--This endeavour, however, was defeated in consequence of
Mr. PITT's construction of the terms _fair and equal_.
THE DELAVALIAD.
Why, says an indignant poet, should Mr. ROLLE alone, of all the
geniuses that distinguish the present period, be thought the only
person of worth or talents enough to give birth and name to an
immortal effusion of divine poesy? He questions not that great
man's pretensions; far from it; he reveres his ancestors, adores
his talents, and feels something hardly short of idolatry towards
his manners and accomplishments.--But still, why such profusion
of distinction towards one, to the exclusion of many other high
characters? Our Poet professes to feel this injustice extremely,
and has made the following attempt to rescue one deserving man from
so unmerited an obloquy. The reader will perceive the measure to
be an imitation of that which has been so deservedly admired in
our immortal bard, in his play of "_As You Like It._"
From the East to the Western Inde
No Jewel is like Rosalind;
Her worth being mounted on the wind,
Thro' all the world bears Rosalind, &c. &c.
This kind of verse is adopted by the poet to avoid any appearance
of too servile an imitation of the ROLLIAD. He begins,
Ye patriots all, both great and small,
Resign the palm to DELAVAL;
The virtues would'st thou practise all,
So in a month did DELAVAL.
A _patriot_ first both stout and tall,
Firm for the day was DELAVAL.
The friend to court, where frowns appal,
The next became good DELAVAL.--
Wilt thou against oppression bawl?
Just so did valiant DELAVAL!
Yet in a month, thyself enthral,
So did the yielding DELAVAL:
Yet give to both, a dangerous fall,
So did reflecting DELAVAL.
If resignation's good in all,
Why so it is in DELAVAL:
For if you p--- against a wall,
Just so you may 'gainst DELAVAL:
And if with foot you kick a ball,
E'en so you may--a DELAVAL.
'Gainst _influence_ would'st thou vent thy gall,
Thus did the patriot DELAVAL:
Yet servile stoop to Royal call,
So did the loyal DELAVAL.
What friend to Freedom's fair-built Hall,
Was louder heard than DELAVAL?
Yet who the _Commons_ rights to maul,
More stout was found than DELAVAL?
--'Gainst Lords and Lordlings would'st thou brawl,
Just so did he--SIR DELAVAL:
Yet on thy knees, to honours crawl,
Oh! so did he--LORD DELAVAL.
An evil sprite possessed SAUL,
And so it once did DELAVAL.
Music did soon the sense recal,
Of ISRAEL's King, and DELAVAL,
SAUL rose at DAVID's vile cat-call.
--Not so the wiser DELAVAL:
'Twas money's sweetest _sol, la fal_,
That chear'd the sense of DELAVAL--
When royal power shall instal,
With honours new LORD DELAVAL;
Who won't say--the _miraculous_ hawl
Is caught by faithful DELAVAL?
'Gainst rapine would'st thou preach like Paul,
Thus did religious DELAVAL:
Yet screen the scourges of Bengal,
Thus did benignant DELAVAL.
To future times recorded shall
Be all the worths of DELAVAL:
E'en OSSIAN, or the great FINGAL,
Shall yield the wreath to DELAVAL.
From Prince's court to cobler's stall,
Shall sound the name of DELAVAL:
For neither sceptre nor the awl,
Are strong and keen as DELAVAL.--
Some better praise, than this poor scrawl,
Shall sing the fame of DELAVAL:
For sure no song can ever pall,
That celebrates great DELAVAL:
Borne on all fours, the fame shall sprawl.
To latest time--of DELAVAL:
Then come, ye Nine, in one great squall,
Proclaim the worths of DELAVAL.
[_The annotations of the learned are expected._]
THIS IS THE HOUSE THAT GEORGE[1] BUILT.
Lord NUGENT.--This is the RAT, that eat the Malt, that lay in
the House that George built.
Mr. FOX.--This is the CAT, that killed the Rat, that eat the
Malt, that lay in the House that George built.
PEPPER ARDEN.--This is the DOG, that barked at the Cat, that
killed the Rat, that eat the Malt, that lay in the House that
George built.
Lord THURLOW.--This is the BULL with the crumpled horn, that
roared with the Dog, that barked at the Cat, that killed the Rat,
that eat the Malt, that lay in the House that George built.
Mr. PITT.--This is the MAIDEN[2] all forlorn, that coaxed the
Bull with the crumpled horn, that roared with the Dog, that barked
at the Cat, that killed the Rat, that eat the Malt, that lay in
the House that George built.
Mr. DUNDAS.--This is the SCOT by all forsworn, that wedded[3]
the Maiden all forlorn, that coaxed the Bull with the crumpled
horn, that roared with the Dog, that barked at the Cat, that
killed the Rat, that eat the Malt, that lay in the House that
George built.
Mr. WILKES.--This is the PATRIOT covered with scorn, that flattered
the Scot by all forsworn, that wedded the Maiden all forlorn,
that coaxed the Bull with the crumpled horn, that roared with
the Dog, that barked at the Cat, that killed the Rat, that eat
the Malt, that lay in the House that George built.
CONSCIENCE.--This is the COCK that crowed in the morn, that waked
the Patriot covered with scorn, that flattered the Scot by all
forsworn, that wedded the Maiden all forlorn, that coaxed the
Bull with the crumpled horn, that roared with the Dog, that barked
at the Cat, that killed the Rat, that eat the Malt, that lay in
the House that George built.
[1] George Nugent Grenville, Marquis of Buckingham.
[2] The immaculate continence of the BRITISH SCIPIO, so strongly
insisted on by his friends, as constituting one of the most shining
ingredients of his own uncommon character, is only alluded to here
as a received fact, and not by any means as a reproach.
[3] _Wedded_. This Gentleman's own term for a Coalition.
EPIGRAMS,
_By_ SIR CECIL WRAY.
First published in the Gentleman's Magazine, under the signatures
of DAMON, PHILOMELA, NOLENS VOLENS, and CRITANDER.
_To_ CELIA (_now Lady_ WRAY), _on Powdering her Hair._
EXTEMPORE.
Thy locks, I trow, fair maid,
Don't never want this aid:
Wherefore thy powder spare,
And only _comb_ thy hair.
_To Sir_ JOSEPH MAWBEY, _proposing a Party to go a-fishing for White
Bait._
Worthy SIR JOE, we all are wishing,
You'd come with us a-White-Bait-fishing.
_On seeing a Ladybird fly off_ CELIA'_s Neck, after having perched
on it for many minutes._
I thought (God bless my soul!)
Yon ladybird her mole--
I thought--but devil take the thing,
It proved my error--took to wing--
_A Thought on_ NEW MILK.
Oh! how charming is New Milk!
Sweet as sugar--soft as silk!
_Familiar Verses, addressed to two Young Gentlemen at the_ Hounslow
Academy.
Take notice, roguelings, I prohibit
Your walking underneath yon gibbet:
Have you not heard, my little ones,
Of _Raw Head and Bloody Bones?_
How do you know, but that there fellow,
May step down quick, and you up swallow?
EXTEMPORE.
_To_ DELIA, _on seeing_ TWO CATS _playing together._
See, DELY, DELY, charming fair,
How Pusseys play upon that chair;
Then, DELY, change thy name to WRAY,
And thou and I will likewise play.
_On a_ BLADE-BONE.
Says I, one day, unto my wife,
I never saw in all my life
Such a blade-bone. Why so, my dear?
Says she. The matter's very clear,
Says I; for on it there's no meat,
For any body for to eat.
Indeed, my dear, says she, 'tis true, }
But wonder not, for, you know, you }
Can't eat your cake and have it too. }
_An_ IDEA _on a_ PECK _of_ COALS.
I buy my coals by pecks, that we
May have them fresh and fresh, d'ye see.
_To my very learned and facetious friend_, S. ESTWICK, ESQ.
M.P. _and_ LL.D. _on his saying to me_, "What the D---l
noise was that?"
Good Dr. ESTWICK, you do seek
To know what makes my shoe-soles creak?
They make a noise when they are dry;
And so do you, and so do I.
C. W.
LORD GRAHAM'S DIARY,
DURING THE FIRST WEEK OF THE NEW PARLIAMENT.
_May_ 20. Went down to the House--sworn in--odd faces--asked PEARSON
who the new people were--he seemed cross at my asking him, and did
not know--I took occasion to inspect the water-closets.
N.B. To tell ROSE, that I found three cocks out of repair--didn't
know what to do--left my name at the DUKE OF QUEENSBERRY's--dined
at WHITE's--the pease tough--Lord APSLEY thought they ought to be
boiled in steam--VILLIERS very _warm_ in favour of _hot water_--PITT
for the new mode--and much talk of _taking the sense_ of the
_club_--but happily I prevented matters going to extremity.
_May_ 21. Bought a tooth-pick-case, and attended at the
Treasury-Board--nothing at the House but swearing--rode to
WILBERFORCE's at WIMBLEDON--PITT, THURLOW, and DUNDAS,
_water-sucky_--we all wondered why perch have such large mouths, and
WILBERFORCE said they were like MULGRAVE's--red champagne rather
ropy--away at eight--THURLOW's horse started at a windmill--he off.
N.B. To bring in an Act to encourage water-mills--THURLOW home in
a _dilly_--we after his horse--children crying, _Fox for
ever!_--DUNDAS stretching to whip them--he off too.
_May_ 22. Sick all day--lay a bed--VILLIERS _bored_ me.
23. Hyde-park--PITT--HAMILTON, &c. Most of us agreed it was right to
bow to Lord DELAVAL--PITT won't to any one, except the _new
Peers_--dined at PITT's--PITT's soup never salt enough--Why must
PRETTYMAN dine with us?--PITT says to-day he will _not_ support Sir
CECIL WRAY--THURLOW wanted to give the _old toast_--PITT
grave--probably this is the reason for letting PRETTYMAN stay.
24. House--Westminster Election--we settled to always make a noise
when BURKE gets up--we ballotted among ourselves for a _sleeping
Committee_ in the Gallery----STEELE always to call us when PITT
speaks--Lord DELAVAL our _dear_ friend!--_Private_ message from ST.
JAMES's to PITT--He at last agrees to support SIR CECIL.
_May_ 25. BANKES won't vote with us against GRENVILLE's Bill--English
obstinacy--the Duke of RICHMOND teazes us--nonsense about
consistency--what right has _he_ to talk of _it?_--but must not say
so.--DUNDAS thinks worse of the Westminster business than--but too
hearty to indulge absurd scruples.
26. Court--King in high spirits, and attentive rather to the Duke of
GRAFTON--QUEEN more so to Lord CAMDEN--puzzles us all!--So it is
possible the Duke of RICHMOND will consent to leave the
_Cabinet_?--Dinner at DUNDAS's--too many things aukwardly served--Joke
about ROSE's thick legs, like ROBINSON's, in flannel.
EXTRACTS
FROM THE SECOND VOLUME OF LORD MULGRAVE'S ESSAYS ON ELOQUENCE, LATELY
PUBLISHED.
"We now come to speak of _Tropes_. Trope comes from the Greek word
_Trepo_, to turn. I believe that tropes can only exist in a vocal
language, for I do not recollect to have met with any among the
savages near the Pole, who converse only by signs; or if they used
any, I did not understand them. Aristotle is of opinion that horses
have not the use of tropes.--Dean Swift seems to be of a contrary
opinion; but be this as it may, tropes are of very great importance
in Parliament, and I cannot enough recommend them to my young readers.
"_Tropes_ are of two kinds: 1st, such as tend to illustrate our
meaning; and 2dly, such as tend to render it obscure. The first are of
great use in the _sermo pedestris_; the second in the sublime. They
give the _os magna sonans_; or, as the same poet says in another
place, the _ore rotundo_; an expression, which shows, by the bye, that
it is as necessary to round your mouth, as to round your periods.--But
of this more hereafter, when I come to treat of _mouthing_, or, as the
Latins call it, _elocutio_.
"In the course of my reflections on tropes, I have frequently lamented
the want of these embellishments in our modern _log-books_. Strabo
says they were frequently employed by the ancient sailors; nor can we
wonder at this difference, since our young seamen are such bad
scholars: not so in other countries; for I have seen children at the
island of _Zanti_, who knew more of Greek than any First Lieutenant.
Now to return to Tropes, and of their use in Parliament. I will give
you some examples of the most perfect kind in each species, and then
quit the subject; only observing, that the worst kind of tropes are
_puns_; and that tropes, when used in controversy, ought to be very
obscure; for many people do not know how to answer what they do not
understand.
"Suppose I was desirous of pressing forward any measure, and that I
apprehended that the opposite party wished to delay it, I should
personify procrastination by one of the following manners:
1. "_This measure appears to be filtered through the drip-stone of
procrastination._" This beautiful phrase was invented by a near
relation of mine, whose talents bid fair to make a most distinguished
figure in the senate.
2. "_This is another dish cooked up by the procrastinating spirit._"
The boldness of this figure, which was invented by Mr. Drake, cannot
be too much admired.
3. "_This appears to be the last hair in the tail of
procrastination._"
"The _Master of the Rolls_, who first used this phrase, is a most
eloquent speaker; but I think the two former instances much more
beautiful, inasmuch as the latter personification is drawn from a
dumb creature, which is not so fine a source of metaphor as a
Christian.
"Having thus exhausted the subject of metaphors, I shall say a few
words concerning _similes_, the second of tropical figures, in point
of importance."
ANECDOTES OF MR. PITT.
As nothing which relates to this great man can be indifferent to
the public, we are happy in laying before our readers the following
particulars, the truth of which may be depended on:--
MR. PITT rises about _Nine_, when the weather is clear; but if it
should rain, Dr. PRETTYMAN advises him to lay about an hour longer.
The first thing he _does_ is to eat _no_ breakfast, that he may have
a better appetite for his dinner. About _ten_ he generally blows his
nose and cuts his toe-nails; and while he takes the exercise of his
_bidet_, Dr. PRETTYMAN reads to him the different petitions and
memorials that have been presented to him. About _eleven_ his valet
brings in Mr. ATKINSON and a WARM SHIRT, and they talk over the _New
Scrip_, and other matters of finance. Mr. ATKINSON has said to _his_
confidential friends round 'Change, that Mr. PITT always speaks to him
with great affability. At _twelve_ Mr. PITT retires to a water-closet,
adjoining to which is a small cabinet, from whence Mr. JENKINSON
confers with him on the secret instructions from BUCKINGHAM-HOUSE.
After this, Mr. PITT takes a long lesson of dancing; and Mr. GALLINI
says, that if he did not turn in his toes, and hold down his head,
he would be a very good dancer. At _two_ Mr. WILBERFORCE comes in,
and they both play with Mr. PITT's black dog, whom they are very
fond of, because he is like Lord MULGRAVE in the face, and barks out
of time to the organs that pass in the street. After this Mr. PITT
rides. We are credibly informed, that he often pats his horse; and,
indeed, he is remarkably fond of all _dumb creatures_ both in and out
of Parliament. At _four_ he sleeps.--Mr. PITT eats very heartily,
drinks one bottle of port, and two when he _speaks_; so that we may
hope that Great Britain will long be blessed with the superintendance
of this virtuous and able young Minister!!!
LETTER FROM A NEW MEMBER TO HIS FRIEND IN THE COUNTRY.
MY DEAR SIR,
As you are so anxious and inquisitive to know the principal
circumstances that have occurred to my observation, since my
introduction to the House of Commons, I think it my duty to give
you what satisfaction I am able. As you know, my dear friend,
how little I dreamt of being called out of my humble sphere of life,
to the rank of a senator (and still less at a time when so many
considerable gentlemen of education, worth, and property had been
driven from their seats in Parliament), you will not wonder that it
required some time before I could rid myself of the awe and
embarrassment that I felt on first entering the walls of that
august assembly. Figure to yourself, my good Sir, how very aukward
and distressing it was to me to reflect, that I was now become
a member of the British Senate; picked and culled out, as our
inimitable Premier assured us, by the free, unbiassed voice of
the people, for our singular abilities and love of our country,
to represent the wisdom of the nation at the present critical
juncture. Would to God I possessed a pen that might enable me to
celebrate, in a style equal to his merits, the praises of this prodigy
of a Minister, whom I can never speak or think of without enthusiasm!
Oh! had you but heard his speech on the day of our meeting, when he
addressed himself to the young members in a strain of eloquence
that could not fail to make a lasting impression on our minds!
Not one of us, I assure you, who did not feel the warmest emotions
of respect and gratitude, and begin to entertain a confidence in his
own talents for business, and a consciousness of his zeal for
the public service, that would probably have never entered into
the head of a simple individual, if this excellent young man had
not condescended to point out to us those qualities in such strong
and flattering colours.
Such extraordinary marks of condescension surprized me not a little,
from a person whom I had been used to hear so generally (but no doubt
most falsely) censured, for upstart pretension and overbearing
arrogance; and I could not sufficiently admire the candour he shewed,
in giving such perfect credit to the talents and virtues of so many
strangers, the greatest part of whose faces were even unknown to him.
Besides, the compliment appeared to me the more generous, as I had but
that very morning received a promise from Government to refund me
the heavy charges and trouble they had led me into at my late
election, which you very well know, notwithstanding the help of Mr.
ROBINSON, had very near ruined my affairs, and proved the destruction
of myself and family.
As you desire to have my impartial sentiments respecting the eloquence
of Mr. PITT and Mr. FOX, I must fairly own, that I cannot hear,
without indignation, any comparison made between 'em;--and,
I assure you, Mr. PITT has a very decided preference in the opinion
of most of the new members, especially among us COUNTRY GENTLEMEN,
who, though we never heard any thing like public speaking before
in our lives, have too much sense and spirit to agree in this
particular with the generality of the public.--We could all see
Mr. PITT was an orator in a moment. The dignity of his deportment,
when he first rises from the Treasury Bench, with his head and
eyes erect, and arms extended, the regular poize of the same action
throughout the whole of his speech, the equal pitch of his voice,
which is full as sonorous and emphatic in expressions of the least
weight; above all, his words, which are his principal excellence,
and are really finer and longer than can be conceived, and clearly
prove him, in my judgment, to be far superior to every other orator.
Mr. FOX, it seems, in perfect despair of imitating the expression
and manner of his rival, never attempts to soar above a language
that is perfectly plain, obvious, and intelligible, to the meanest
understanding; whereas, I give you my word, I have more than once
met with several who have frankly owned to me, that Mr. PITT's
eloquence was often above their capacity to comprehend. In addition
to this, it is observable, that Mr. PITT has the happy art of
expressing himself, even upon the most trifling occasion, in
at least three times as many words as any other person uses in
an argument of the utmost importance, which is so evident an advantage
over all his adversaries, that I wonder they persist to engage in
so unequal a combat.
I shall take an early opportunity of communicating to you some
further observations on this subject: in the mean time believe me,
Dear Sir,
With the truest regard,
Your's, &c. &c. &c.
_Cocoa Tree, May_ 29, 1784.
THE
POLITICAL RECEIPT BOOK,
FOR THE YEAR 1784.
HOW TO MAKE A PREMIER.
Take a man with a great quantity of that sort of words which produce
the greatest effect upon the _many_, and the least upon the _few_:
mix them with a large portion of affected candour and ingenuousness,
introduced in a haughty and contemptuous manner. Let there be a great
abundance of falsehood, concealed under an apparent disinterestedness
and integrity; and the two last to be the most professed when
the former is most practised. Let his engagements and declarations,
however solemnly made, be broken and disregarded, if he thinks he can
procure afterwards a popular indemnity for illegality and deceit.
He must subscribe to the doctrine of PASSIVE OBEDIENCE, and to
the exercise of patronage independent of his approbation; and be
careless of creating the most formidable enemies, if he can gratify
the personal revenge and hatred of those who employ him, even at
the expence of public ruin and general confusion.
HOW TO MAKE A SECRETARY OF STATE.
Take a man in a violent passion, or a man that never has been in one;
but the first is the best. Let him be concerned in making an
ignominious peace, the articles of which he could not comprehend,
and cannot explain. Let him speak loud, and yet never be heard;
and to be the kind of man for a SECRETARY OF STATE when nobody else
will accept it.
HOW TO MAKE A PRESIDENT OF THE COUNCIL.
Take a man who all his life loved office, merely for its emolument;
and when measures which he had approved were eventually unfortunate,
let him be notorious for relinquishing his share of the responsibility
of them; and be stigmatized, for political courage in the period
of prosperity, and for cowardice when there exists but the appearance
of danger.
HOW TO MAKE A CHANCELLOR.
Take a man of great abilities, with a heart as black as his
countenance. Let him possess a rough inflexibility, without
the least tincture of generosity or affection, and be as manly
as oaths and ill manners can make him. He should be a man who
will act politically with all parties, hating and deriding every
one of the individuals which compose them.
HOW TO MAKE A MASTER OF THE ORDNANCE.
Take a man of a busy, meddling, turn of mind, with just as much parts
as will make him troublesome, but never respectable. Let him be
so perfectly callous to a sense of personal honour, and to the
distinction of public fame, as to be marked for the valour of
insulting where it cannot be revenged[1]; and, if a case should
arise, where he attempts to injure reputation, because it is dignified
and absent, he should possess _discretion_ enough to apologise and
to recant, if it is afterwards dictated to him to do so,
notwithstanding any previously-declared resolutions to the contrary.
Such a man will be found to be the most fit for servitude in times of
disgrace and degradation.
HOW TO MAKE A TREASURER OF THE NAVY.
Take a man, composed of most of the ingredients necessary to enable
him to attack and defend the very same principles in politics, or
any party or parties concerned in them, at all times, and upon all
occasions. Mix with these ingredients a very large quantity of
the root of interest, so that the juice of it may be always sweet
and uppermost. Let him be one who avows a pride in being so necessary
an instrument for every political measure, as to be able to extort
those honours and emoluments from the weakness of a government, which
he had been deliberately refused, at a time when it would have been
honourable to have obtained them.
HOW TO MAKE A LORD OF THE TREASURY.
Take the most stupid man you can find, but who can make his signature;
and from ignorance in _every thing_ will never contradict you in
_any thing_. He should not have a brother in the church, for if he
has, he will most probably abandon or betray you. Or, take a man of
fashion, with any sort of celebrity: if he has accustomed himself to
arguments, though the dullness can only be measured by the length of
them, he will serve to speak _against time_, with a certainty in that
case of never being answered.
HOW TO MAKE A SECRETARY OF THE TREASURY.
Take a pleading _Country Attorney_, without passion, and without
parts. Let him be one who will seize the first opportunity of
renouncing his connection with the first man who draws him out of
obscurity and serves him. If he has no affections or friendships, so
much the better; he will be more ready to contribute to his own
advantage. He should be of a temper so pliable, and a perseverance so
ineffectual, as to lead his master into troubles, difficulties, and
ruin, when he thinks he is labouring to overcome them. Let him be a
man, who has cunning enough, at the same time, to prey upon and
deceive frankness and confidence; and who, when he can no longer avail
himself of both, will sacrifice even his character in the cause of
treachery, and prefer the interests resulting from it, to the virtuous
distinctions of honour and gratitude.
HOW TO MAKE A SECRETARY-AT-WAR.
Take a man that will take any thing. Let him possess all the negative
virtues of being able to do no harm, but at the same time can do no
good; for they are qualifications of a courtly nature, and may in time
recommend him to a situation something worse, or something better.
HOW TO MAKE AN ATTORNEY-GENERAL.
Take a little ugly man, with an _eye_ to his preferment. It is not
requisite that he should be much of a lawyer, provided that he be a
tolerable politician; but in order to qualify himself for an _English
Judge_, he should first be a _Welch_ one. He must have docility
sufficient to do any thing; and, if a period should arrive, when power
has popularity enough to make rules and laws for the evident purpose
of gratifying malignity, he should be one who should be ready to
advise or consent to the creation of new cases, and be able to defend
new remedies for them, though they militate against every principle
of reason, equity, and justice.
N.B. The greatest part of this Receipt would make a MASTER OF THE
ROLLS.
HOW TO MAKE A WARDROBE-KEEPER, OR PRIVY-PURSE.
Take the most supercilious fool in the nation, and let him be in
confidence in proportion to his ignorance.
HOW TO MAKE A SURVEYOR-GENERAL OF THE ORDNANCE.
Take a Captain in the _Navy_, as being best acquainted with the
_Army_; he should have been a few years _at sea_, in order to qualify
him for the direction of works _on shore_; and let him be one who will
sacrifice his connections with as much ease as he would renounce
his profession.
HOW TO MAKE A PEER.
Take a man, with or without parts, of an ancient or a new family, with
one or with two Boroughs at his command, previous to a dissolution.
Let him renounce all former professions and obligations, and engage
to bring in your friends, and to support you himself. Or, take
the Country Gentleman who the least expects it; and particularly
let the honour be conferred when he has done nothing to deserve it.
HOW TO MAKE SECRET INFLUENCE.
Take a tall, ill-looking man, with more vanity, and less reason
for it, than any person in Europe. He should be one who does not
possess a single consolatory private virtue, under a general public
detestation. His pride and avarice should increase with his
prosperity, while they lead him to neglect and despise the natural
claims of indigence in his own family. If such a man can be found, he
will easily be made the instigator, as well as the instrument, of a
cabal, which has the courage to do mischief, and the cowardice of not
being responsible for it; convinced that he can never obtain any other
importance, than that to be derived from the execution of purposes
evidently pursued for the establishment of tyranny upon the wreck
of public ruin.
[1] "What care I for the King's Birth-day!"
HINTS
FROM DR. PRETTYMAN, THE COMMIS, TO THE PREMIER'S PORTER.
To admit Mr. WILBERFORCE, although Mr. PITT should be even engaged
with the SOUTHWARK agents, fabricating means to defeat Sir RICHARD
HOTHAM.--WILBE must have _two_ bows.--ATKINSON to be shewn into the
anti-chamber--he will find amusement in reading LAZARRELLO DE TORMEZ,
or the _complete Rogue_.--If Lord APSLEY and Mr. PERCIVAL come from
the Admiralty, they may be ushered into the room where the large
_looking-glasses_ are fixed--in that case they will not regret
waiting--Don't let LORD MAHON be detained an instant at the door, the
pregnant young lady opposite having been sufficiently frightened
already!!!--JACK ROBINSON to be shewn into the study, as the private
papers were all removed this morning--Let Lord LONSDALE have _my
Lord_, and _your Lordship_, repeated to his ear as often as
possible--the apartment hung with _garter-blue_ is proper for his
reception!--The other new Peers to be greeted only plain _Sir!_ that
they may remember their late _ignobility_, and feel new gratitude to
the _benefactor of honours!_--You may, as if upon recollection,
address some of the last list, _My Lord!_--and ask their names--it
will be pleasing to them to sound out their own titles.--Lord ELIOT is
to be an exception, as he will tediously go through every degree of
his dignity in giving an answer.--All letters from BERKELEY-SQUARE
to be brought in without mentioning Lord SHELBURNE's name, or even
Mr. ROSE's.--The Treasury Messenger to carry the _red box_, as usual,
to CHARLES JENKINSON before it is sent to Buckingham-House.--Don't
blunder a second time, and question Lord MOUNTMORRES as to the life
of a _hackney chairman_ - it is wrong to judge by appearances!--Lord
GRAHAM may be admitted to the library - he can't read, and therefore
won't derange the books.
A TALE.
At BROOKES's once, it so fell out,
The box was push'd with glee about;
With mirth reciprocal inflam'd,
'Twas said they rather play'd than gam'd;
A general impulse through them ran,
And seem'd t' actuate every man:
But as all human pleasures tend
At some sad moment to an end,
The hour at last approach'd, when lo!
'Twas time tor every one to go.
Now for the first time it was seen,
A certain sum unown'd had been;
To no man's spot directly fixt,
But plac'd--ambiguously betwixt:
So doubtfully indeed it lay,
That none with confidence could say
This cash is mine--I'm certain on't--
But most declined with--"Sir, I won't"--
"I can't in conscience urge a right,
To what I am not certain quite."
--NORTHUMBRIA'S DUKE, who wish'd to put
An end to this polite dispute,
Whose generous nature yearn'd to see
The smallest seeds of enmity,
Arose and said--"this cash is mine-- }
For being ask'd to-day to dine, }
You see I'm furbelow'd and fine, }
With full-made sleeves and pendant lace;
Rely on't, this was just the case,
That when by chance my arm I mov'd,
The money from me then I shov'd;
This clearly shews how it was shifted,"
Thus said, the rhino then he lifted;--
"Hold, hold, my Lord," says thoughtless HARE,
Who never made his purse his care;
A man who thought that money's use
Was real comfort to produce,
And all the pleasures scorn'd to know
Which from its _snug_ enjoyments flow;
Such as still charm their gladden'd eyes,
Who feel the bliss of avarice.
"Hold, hold, my Lord, how is it known
This cash is certainly your own?
We each might urge as good a plea,
Or WYNDHAM, CRAUFURD, SMITH, or me;
But we, though less it were to blame,
Disdain'd so pitiful a claim;
Then here let me be arbitrator--
I vote the money to the waiter,"
Thus oft will generous folly think:
But prudence parts not so with chink.
On this occasion so it was,
For gravely thus my Lord Duke says:
"Consider, Sir, how large the sum,
To full eight guineas it will come:
Shall I, for your quaint verbal play,
Consign a whole estate away?
Unjust, ridiculous, absurd,
I will not do it, on my word;
Yet rather than let fools deride,
I give my _fiat_ to divide;
So 'twixt the waiter and myself,
Place equal portions of the pelf;
Thus eighty shillings give to RALPH,
To ALNWICK's DUKE the other half."
HARE and the rest (unthinking croud!)
At this decision laugh'd aloud:
"Sneer if you like," exclaim'd the Duke,
Then to himself his portion took;
And spite of all the witless rakes,
The Peer and Porter part the stakes.
MORALS.
I. This maxim, then, ye spendthrifts know,
'Tis money makes the mare to go.
II. By no wise man be this forgot;
A penny sav'd's a penny got.
III. This rule keep ever in your head;
A half-loaf's better than no bread.
IV. Though some may rail, and others laugh,
In your own hand still keep the staff.
V. Forget not, Sirs, since Fortune's fickle,
Many a little makes a mickle.
VI. By gay men's counsels be not thwarted.
Fools and their money soon are parted.
VII. Save, save, ye prudent--who can know
How soon the high may be quite low?
VIII. Of Christian virtues hear the sum,
True charity begins at home.
IX. Neglect not farthings, careless elves;
Shillings and pounds will guard themselves.
X. Get cash with honour if you can,
But still to get it be your plan.
DIALOGUE
BETWEEN A CERTAIN PERSONAGE AND HIS MINISTER.
IMITATED FROM THE NINTH ODE OF HORACE, BOOK III.
_Donec gratus eram tibi._
K----- When heedless of your birth and name,
For pow'r yon barter'd future fame,
On that auspicious day,
Of K--gs I reign'd supremely blest:
Not HASTINGS rul'd the plunder'd East
With more despotic sway.
P--TT. When only on my favoured head
Your smiles their royal influence shed,
Then was the son of CH--TH--M
The nation's pride, the public care,
P--TT and Prerogative their pray'r,
While we, Sir, both laugh'd at 'em.
K----- JENKY, I own, divides my heart,
Skill'd in each deep and secret art
To keep my C--MM--NS down:
His views, his principles are mine;
For these I'd willingly resign
My Kingdom and my Crown.
P--TT. As much as for the public weal,
My anxious bosom burns with zeal
For pious Parson WYV--LL
For him I'll fret, and fume, and spout,
Go ev'ry length--except go out,
For that's to me the Devil!
K----- What if, our sinking cause to save,
We both our jealous strife should wave,
And act our former farce on:
If I to JENKY were more stern,
Would you, then, generously turn
Your back upon the Parson?
P--TT. Tho' to support his patriot plan
I'm pledg'd as _Minister_ and _Man_,
This storm I hope to weather;
And since your Royal will is so,
_Reforms_ and the _Reformers_ too,
May all be damn'd together!
Prettymaniana.
EPIGRAMS ON THE REV. DR. PR--TT--MAN'S DUPLICITY.
I.
That PRETTYMAN's so pale, so spare,
No cause for wonder now affords;
He lives, alas! on empty fare,
Who lives by _eating his own 'words!_
II.
In BAYES's burlesque, though so strange it appear'd,
That PRINCE PRETTYMAN's self should PRINCE PRETTYMAN _kill_;
_Our_ Prettyman FURTHER to go has not fear'd,
But in DAMNING himself, he extended his skill!
III.
Undaunted PITT, against the State to plot,
Should int'rest spur, or passion urge ye;
Dread not the hapless exit of LA MOTTE,
Secure in _Benefit of Clergy!_
IV.
That against my fair fame
You devise so much blame,
Cries the Priest, with a damn me, what care I?
Since the gravest Divine,
Tells a lie worse than mine,
When he cries, "_Nolo Episcopari!_"
V.
How wisely PITT, for different ends,
Can marshal his obedient friends!
When only _time_ he wants, not sense,
MULGRAVE vents _copious impotence_.
If demi-falsehood must be tried,
By ROSE the quibbling task's supply'd--
But for the more accomplish'd lie,
Who with meek PR--TT--MAN shall vie?
VI.
(PR--TT--MAN _loquitur_.)
Although, indeed, 'tis truly said,
The various principles of _Trade_
We are not very glib in;
Yet surely none will this deny,
Few know so well as PITT, or I,
To manufacture _fibbing_.
VII.
A horrible fib that a Priest should have told,
Seems to some people's thinking excessively odd,
Yet sure there's no maxim more certain or old,
Than "_The nearer the Church still the farther from God._"
VIII.
Why should such malice at the Parson fly?
For though he _spoke_, he scorn'd to write, a lye.
IX.
While the Wits and the Fools Parson PRETTY belabour,
With--"Thou shalt not false witness; set up 'gainst thy neighbour,"
The text and the fact (cries the Priest) disagree.
For in Downing-street _I_, in Great George-street lives _He_.
X.
What shall reward bold PRETTY's well-tim'd sense, }
For turning new an IRISH _Evidence_? }
An IRISH _Bishoprick_'s the recompence! }
XI.
What varied fates the same offence assail!
PRETTY, install'd--and ATKINSON, in jail.
Both scorn alike the laws that truth maintains;
Yet one, a Prebend, one, a Prison gains.
This mounts a _stall_, the _pillory_ that ascends;
For public, one, and one for private ends.
The first gets ample scope _our_ ears to pain;
The other scarcely can _his own_ retain:
Just Heav'n, reverse the doom!--To punish each,
To ATKINSON alone, let PRETTY preach!
XII.
How happy, alas! had it been for poor PITT,
If WYVILL, like PRETTYMAN, never had writ!
XIII.
------_Scelera ipsa nefasque
Hâc mercede placent_--------
Cries PRETTYMAN, "Consider, Sir,
My sacred cloth, and character."
The indignant Minister replied,
"This ne'er had been, had ORDE ne'er lyed."
The patient Priest at last relented;
And _all his Master wish'd_, invented;
Then added, with a saint-like whine,
"But the next Mitre _must_ be mine!"
XIV.
For _tongue_ or for _eye_,
Who with PRETTY can vie?
Sure such organs must save him much trouble;
For of labour not loth,
Tis the way with them both,
Their functions to execute----_double!_
XV.
The days of miracle, 'twas thought, were past;
(Strange from what cause so wild an error sprung)
But now convinc'd, the world allows at last,
PRETTY's still favour'd with a--_cloven tongue!_
XVI.
_Faith in the Church_, all grave Divines contend,
Is the chief hold whence future hopes depend.
How hard then BRITAIN's lot!--for who hath _faith_
To credit _half_ what Doctor PRETTY saith?
XVII.
(By SIR CECIL WRAY.)
Oh! if I had thought that PRETTY could lye,
I'd a hired him, I would, for my Scrutiny!
My poor Scrutiny!--My _dear_ Scrutiny!
My heart it down sinks--I wish I could die!
XVIII.
(By SIR JOSEPH MAWBEY.)
Lord BACON hang'd poor HOGG,
For murd'ring, without pity, man;
And so should PITT, by Gog,
That kill-truth, Doctor PRETTYMAN--
For say I will, spite of hip wig,
He's far below the _learned Pig!_
XIX.
(By THE SAME.)
Says WRAY to me, which is most witty,
The learned Pig, or Parson PRETTY?
Says I, I thinks, the latter is more wiser;
PIGGY tells truth alone;--but PRETTY lyes, Sir.
XX.
(NOT by THE SAME.)
Three Parsons for three different patrons writ,
For ROCKINGHAM, for PORTLAND, and for PITT
The first, in _speaking_ truth alone surpass'd;
The next could _write_ it too--not so the last.--
The pride of Churchmen to be beat was loth--
So PRETTYMAN's the opposite to both!
XXI.
How much must IRELAND, PITT and PRETTY prize!
Who swear, at all events, to _equal--lyes_.
XXII.
------_In vino Veritas_------
PRETTY, the other night, was tripping caught--
Forgive him, PITT; he'll not repeat the fault--
The best may err--misled by wine and youth--
His Rev'rence drank too hard; and told--_the truth!_
Ev'n thou, should generous wine o'ercome thy sense,
May'st rashly stumble on the same offence.
XXIII.
There are who think all State affairs
The worst of wicked worldly cares,
To mingle with the priestly leaven;
Yet sure the argument's uncouth----
PRETTY shall _doubly_ spread the truth,
A Minister of Earth and Heaven.
XXIV.
While modern Statesmen glean, from priestly tribes,
Rev'rend _Commis_, and sanctimonious scribes;
'Tis love of _truth_--yet vain the hope, alas!
To make this _Holy Writ_ for _Gospel_ pass.
XXV.
Above the pride of worldly fame or show,
A virtuous Priest should upwards turn his eyes----
Thus PRETT contemns all _character_ below,
And thinks of nothing but the way to _rise_.
XXVI.
'Gainst PRETTY's unholiness vain 'tis to rail;
With a courtly Divine that's of little avail;
What Parson polite, would not virtue offend,
And maintain a _great_ falsehood, to save a _great_ friend?
XXVII.
If St. PETER was made,
Of Religion the head,
For boldly his master denying;
Sure, PRETTY may hope
At least to be Pope,
For his greater atchievements in lying.
XXVIII.
Says PRETTYMAN, "I'll fib, d'ye see,
If you'll reward me freely."
"Lye on (cries PITT) and claim of me
The Bishoprick of E--LYE."
XXIX.
'Tis said the _end_ may sanctify the _means_,
And pious frauds denote a special grace;
Thus PRETTY's lye his master nobly screens--
Himself, good man! but seeks a _better place_.
XXX.
"Sons of PATRICK! (cries ORDE) set up shop in your bog,
And you'll ruin the trade of JOHN BULL and NICK FROG."
"That's a lye (replies PITT) we shall gain by their riches;
If we wear IRISH _shirts_, they must wear ENGLISH _breeches_"
"You both lye (exclaims PRETTY) but I will lye too;
And, compar'd with my lye, what you say will seem true!"
XXXI.
For pert malignity observ'd alone,
In all things else unnotic'd, and unknown;
Obscurely odious, PRETTY pass'd his days,
Till more inventive talents won our lays.
"Now write, he cries, an Epigram's my pride:
Who wou'd have known me, if I ne'er had ly'd?"
XXXII.
With pious whine, and hypocritic snivel,
Our fathers said, "_Tell truth_, and _shame the Devil!_"
A nobler way bold PR----TT----N is trying,
He seeks to _shame_ the Devil--by outlying,
XXXIII.
(In answer to a former.)
No _cloven tongue_ the Doctor boasts from heav'n,
Such gifts but little wou'd the Doctor boot;
For preaching _Truth_ the _cloven tongues_ were giv'n,
His lyes demonstrate more the _cloven foot_.
XXXIV.
Maxims, says PRETT, and adages of old,
Were circumscrib'd, though clever;
Thus Truth they taught, _not always_ should be told;
But I maintain, _not ever_.
XXXV.
In the drama of CONGREVE, how charm'd do we read
Of _Spintext_ the _Parson_, and _Maskwell_ the _Cheat_,
But in life would you study them closer, indeed,
For equal originals--see _Downing-street_.
XXXVI.
PITT and PRETTY came from College
To serve themselves, and serve the state;
And the world must all acknowledge
Half is done--so half may wait:
For PRETTY says, 'tis rather new,
When even _half_ they say--is _true_.
XXXVII.
The Devil's a dealer in lyes, and we see
That two of a trade never yet could agree;
Then DOCTOR proceed, and d--m------n despise,
What Devil would take such a rival in lyes.
XXXVIII.
GRAND TREATY OF LYING.
The Devil and PRETTY a treaty have made,
On a permanent footing to settle their trade;
'Tis the Commerce of Lying,--and this is the law;
The Devil _imports_ him all lyes that are raw_;_
Which, check'd by no _docket_, unclogg'd with a fee,
The _Priest_ manufactures, and vends _duty free_;
Except where the lye gives his conscience such trouble,
The _internal_ expence should have recompence double.
Thus to navigate falsehood no bar they'll devise;
But Hell must become the EMPORIUM of Lyes.
Nay, the Bishops themselves, when in pulpit they bark it,
Must supply their consumption, from Satan's _own market_,
While _reciprocal tribute_ is paid for the whole
In a surplusage _d--mn--g_ of P--TTY--'s soul.
FOREIGN EPIGRAMS.
I.
_By the_ Chevalier de BOUFFLERS.
"PRETTIMAN est menteur, il s'est moqué de nous"
"(Se crient en courroux tous les sots d'Angleterre)"
Calmez vous donc, Messieurs--eh! comment savez vous
Si c'est bien un mensonge, ou si c'est un mystère?
II.
_By_ Professor HEYNE, _of the_ UNIVERSITY _of_ GOTTINGEN.
_In Dominum_ PITTUM _Doctoremque_ PRETTYMANNUM,
_Figulus_ loquitur--Scena, Vicus, vulgo dictus _Downing_.
Vivitur hic, cives, pacto quo denique? Rhetor
Ecce loqui refugit; scribere scriba negat.
III.
BY THE SAME.
Falsiloquusne Puer magis, an fallacior ille
Scriba? Puer fallax, scribaque falsiloquus.
IV.
_By_ COMTE CASIMIR, _a descendant of the famous_ CASIMIR, _the great
Latin Poet of_ POLAND.
BELLUS HOMO atque _pius_ vis idem dicier--At tu
Mendax, unde Pius? Bellus es unde, Strabo?
V.
_By_ FATHER MOONY, _Parish Priest of_ KILGOBBIN.
A Mick na braaga Streepy poga ma Thone
Na vuishama da Ghob, Oghone! Oghone!
VI.
[1]_By_ EUGENIUS, _Archbishop of_ SLAVENSK _and_ KHERSON,
_in Russia, and Author of a Translation of_ VIRGIL'S GEORGICS _into_
Greek Hexameters.
{Pseudon ouch iereus aischynetai. Eithe s alethos,
O pseudon iereu, kai pseudierea legoimi.}
Falsa-dicens Sacerdos non erubescit. Utinam te verè
O falsa-dicens Sacerdos, et falsò-te-sacerdotem-dicentem appellarem.
VII.
BY THE SAME.
{Pseudon outos alos ou paucetai. En de genomai
Teioud autod egon mot episkopos, ou men easo,
O pseudon d iereus kai pseudiereus tach an eie.}
Falsa dicere ille omnino non desinet. Si vero fierem
Talis vlri ipse ego quandoque Episcopus, non equidem sinerem
Falsa-dicens autem sacerdos et qui-se-falso-sacerdotem diceret cito
foret.
VIII.
_By_ Mons. VILLOISON, _the celebrated Grecian and French Editor
of_ LONGINUS, &c. &c.
Ad amicum quendam qui DOCTOREM PRETTIMANNUM _sacerdotem_ appellaret.
{a. Pseudein ouch IERON. ti de ton pseudonth IEREA
Chre ste kaelin; b. IEREUS k ouch IEROS legetai.}
a. Mentiri non _sacrum_. Quid verò mentientem _sacerdotem_
Oportet te vocare? b. _Sacerdos_ & non _sacer_ dicitur.
IX.
MADRIGALE--_By_ SIGNOR CAPONINI _of_ ROME.
In quel bel dì, ch'il DIO del VERO nacque,
Per tutto il mondo tacque
Ogni Oracol mendace in ogni fano.
Cosi va detto, ma si e detto in vano.
Ecco, in quest' isola remota, anch'ora
L'Oracola s'adora
D'un giovinetto Febo, che a le genti
Per un suo sacerdote manda fnora
Quel, ch'ei risponde a lusingar lor menti;
In guisa, che puo far chiamar verace
L'Oracolo de' Grechi più mendace.
X.
_By_ Dr. CORTICELLI _of_ BOLOGNA.
Io non ho mai veduto un sì bel PRETTIMANNO,
Con un sì gran Perrucho, e d' occhi sì _squintanno_.
XI.
_In the language of_ OTAHEITE.--_By M. de_ BOUGAINVILLE.
(_With an interlined Translation, according to Capt._ COOK's GLOSSARY.)
[2]Prettyman _to call liar interjection
Peetimai_, tooo too, ooo, taata, Allaheueeai!
_Insincere man to cuff liar nasty_ Prettyman
Hamaneeno, eparoo, taata, erepo, _Peetimai_.
XII.
_In the language of_ TERRA INCOCNITA (_viz_. AUSTRALIS), _by the noted
Mr._ BRUCE.
[A translation is requested by the earliest discoverer, the original
being left at the publisher's for his inspection by the author, who
has most kindly communicated the following representation of the
genuine words, adapted to the ENGLISH type.--May we not presume to
suggest the infinite service Mr. M'PHERSON would render to his
country, were he generously to embark in the first outward-bound ship
for TERRA AUSTRALIS--No man in EUROPE being so well qualified for the
useful station of universal linguist and decypherer to the
savages--"_I decus, I nostrum._"]
HOT. TOT.
HUM. SCUM.
KIKEN- ASS.
HOT. TOT.
ROW. ROW.
KIKEN. ASS.
QUIP. LUNK.
NUN. SKUMP.
KISSEN. ASS.
TARRAH. DUD.
LICEN. TOCK.
KIKEN. ASS. TOT.
We must apologize to several of our more erudite correspondents, for
suspending some short time the publication of their most curious
epigrams on the Doctor. We have not the least objection to the extra
expence necessarily incurred on the present occasion, by the purchase
of a variety of antique types. Nay, we have actually contracted with
the celebrated CASLON, for the casting of a proper quantity of the
COPTIC and RUNIC characters, in order to the due representation of
the PRETTYMANIANA, communicated by Professor WHITE, and Mons. MAILLET.
As it might be some time, however, before Mr. CASLON, even with the
assistance of Mess. FRY and Son's foundery, can furnish us with the
PERSIC, SYRIAC, and CHACHTAW types, we cannot promise the Doctor
the insertion of the GENTOO REBUS, or the NEW ZEALAND ACROSTIC in the
present edition.
[1] We cannot withhold from the good Bishop our particular thanks for
his excellent Haxameters, which breathe indeed the spirit both of
piety and poetry. We have taken the liberty of subjoining a literal
translation, in Latin Prose, to the Epigrams of EUGENIUS, as well as
to the distich of Mons. VILLOISON, for the accommodation of the young
Students at our Universities.
[2] PEETIMAI is wonderfully near the original PRETTYMAN, considering
that, after every effort, the inhabitants of OTAHEITE could not
approximate to the name of BANKS nearer than OPANO--nor of COOK,
than TOOTE.
ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.
Missing from the genealogies of the new Peers--three FATHERS--five
MOTHERS--nine GRANDFATHERS--fourteen GRANDMOTHERS--twenty
GREAT-GRANDFATHERS--and nearly twice the number of GREAT-GRANDMOTHERS--also
some COMPLETE GENERATIONS OF ANCESTORS.
If any person can give notice at the HERALD's OFFICE of any Fathers,
Mothers, Grandfathers, Grandmothers, Great-grandfathers, and
Great-grandmothers, worth owning, of the names of C------, D------,
H------, L------, P------, E------, &c. &c. &c. so as that the said
Fathers, Mothers, Grandfathers, Grandmothers, Great-grandfathers, and
Great-grandmothers, may be taken and restored to the advertisers, the
person so informing, for every such notice, shall receive ONE GUINEA
reward, and no questions shall be asked.
And if any person will undertake to find ANCESTORS BY THE GENERATION,
for every regular descent of not less than _three_, and not more than
_five_, he shall receive TWO GUINEAS each ancestor; and for every
regular descent of not less than _six_, and not more than _ten_, he
shall receive FIVE GUINEAS each ancestor, and so in proportion for
any greater number.
A HANDSOME COMPLIMENT will also be given, in addition to the rewards
above proposed, for ANCESTORS who distinguished themselves under
JAMES II. CHARLES II. and CHARLES I. in the cause of PREROGATIVE.
Likewise an extraordinary price will be paid for the discovery of
any ANCESTOR of REMOTE ANTIQUITY and HIGH FAMILY; such as the immortal
DUKE ROLLO, companion of WILLIAM THE CONQUEROR, and founder of the
present illustrious family of ROLLE.
N.B. No greater reward will be offered, as THE HERALDS have received
directions for making NEW.
VIVE LE SCRUTINY.
CROSS GOSPEL THE FIRST.
----But what says my good LORD BISHOP OF LONDON to this same
WESTMINSTER SCRUTINY--this daily combination of rites, _sacred_ and
_profane_--ceremonies _religious_ and _political_ under his hallowed
roof of ST. ANN'S CHURCH, SOHO? Should his Lordship be unacquainted
with this curious process, let him know it is briefly this:--At
_ten_ o'clock the HIGH BAILIFF opens his inquisition in the VESTRY,
for the PERDITION OF VOTES, where he never fails to be honoured
with a crowded audience.--At _eleven_ o'clock the HIGH PRIEST mounts
the rostrum in the CHURCH for the SALVATION OF SOULS, without a
single _body_ to attend him; even his corpulent worship, the clerk,
after the first introductory AMEN, filing off to the Vestry, to lend
a hand towards reaping a quicker harvest!--The alternate vociferations
from Church to Vestry, during the different SERVICES, were found to
cross each other sometimes in responses so apposite, that a gentleman
who writes shorthand was induced to take down part of the
Church-medley-dialogue of one day, which he here transcribes for general
information, on a subject of such singular importance, _viz_.
HIGH BAILIFF.--I cannot see that _this here fellow_ is a just vote.
CURATE.--"_In thy sight shall no man living be justified._"
Mr. FOX.--I despise the pitiful machinations of my opponents, knowing
the just cause of my electors must in the end prevail.
CURATE.--"_And with thy favourable kindness shalt thou defend him as
with a shield._"
WITNESS.--He swore d--n him if he did not give Fox a plumper!
CLERK--"_Good Lord! deliver us._"
Mr. MORGAN.--I stand here as Counsel for Sir CECIL WRAY.
CURATE.--"_A general pestilence visited the land, serpents and_ FROGS
_defiled the holy temple._"
Mr. PHILLIPS.--Mr. HIGH BAILIFF, the audacity of that fellow opposite
to me would almost justify my chastising him in this sacred place;
but I will content myself with rolling his heavy head in the
neighbouring kennel.
CURATE.--"_Give peace in our time, O Lord!_"
Sir CECIL WRAY.--I rise only to say thus much, that is, concerning
myself--though as for the matter of myself, I don't care, Mr. HIGH
BAILIFF, much about it--
Mr. FOX.--Hear! hear! hear!
CURATE.--"_If thou shalt see the ass of him that hateth thee lying
under his burthen, thou shalt surely help him._"
Sir CECIL WRAY.--I trust--I dare say--at least I hope I may venture
to think--that my Right Hon. friend--I should say enemy--fully
comprehends what I have to offer in my own defence.
CURATE.--"_As for me I am a worm, and no man; a very scorn of men,
and the outcast of the people!--fearfulness and trembling are come
upon me, and an horrible dread overwhelmed me!!!_"
HIGH BAILIFF.--As that _fellow there_ says he did not vote for Fox,
who did he poll for?
CURATE.--"BARRABAS!--_now Barrabas was a robber._"
VIVE LE SCRUTINY.
CROSS GOSPEL THE SECOND.
HIGH BAILIFF.--This here case is, as I may say, rather _more_ muddier
than I could wish.
DEPUTY GROJAN.--_Ce n'est pas clair_--I _tink_, Sir, with you.
CURATE.--"_Lighten our darkness, we beseech thee, O Lord!_"
Mr. FOX.--Having thus recapitulated all the points of so contradictory
an evidence, I leave you, Mr. High Bailiff, to decide upon its merits.
CURATE.--"_He leadeth Counsellors away spoiled, and maketh Judges
fools._"
HIGH BAILIFF.--I don't care three brass pins points about that
there--though the poor _feller_ did live in a shed; yet as he says he
once boiled a sheep's head under his own roof, which I calls his
_casthillum_--_argyle_, I declares him a good _wote_!
CLERK.--"_Oh Lord! incline our hearts to keep this law._"
BAR-KEEPER.--Make way for the parish-officers, and the other _gemmen_
of the _Westry_.
CURATE.--"_I said my house should be called a house of prayer, but ye
have made it a den of thieves!_"
Mr. ELCOCK.--_Mr. High Bailey!_ Sir, them there _Foxites_ people are
_sniggering_ and _tittering_ on the other side of the table; and
from what I can guess I am sure it can be at nobody but you or me.
CURATE.--"_Surely I am more brutish than any man, and have not the
understanding of a man!_"
Sir CECIL WRAY.--I am sure this same SCRUTINY proves sufficiently
burthensome to me.
CURATE.--"_Saddle me an ass, and they saddled him._"
HIGH BAILIFF.--Mr. HARGRAVE here, my counsel, says--it is my opinion
that this _wote_ is legally substantiated according to law.
CURATE.--"_So_ MORDECAI _did, according to all that_ JEHOSAPHAT
_commanded him!_"
Mr. PHILLIPS.--And now, friend MORGAN, having gone through my list
of thirty votes, and struck off twenty-six bad, from that number,
I will leave you to make your own comment thereon.
CURATE.--"_And lo! when they arose in the morning, they were all dead
corpses!_"
HIGH BAILIFF.--But for God's sake, good Sir, in that case, what will
the people justly say of _me?_
CURATE.--"_Let a gallows be erected fifty cubits high, and to-morrow
speak unto the King, that_ MORDECAI _may be hanged thereon!_"
PARAGRAPH-OFFICE, IVY-LANE.
Whereas by public orders from this office, all GENTLEMEN RUNNERS and
SCRIBBLERS, PUNNERS and QUIBBLERS, PUFFERS, PLAISTERERS, DAUBERS and
SPATTERERS, in our pay, and under our direction, were required, for
reasons therein specified, to be particularly diligent in defending
and enforcing the projected DUTY ON COALS.
AND WHEREAS the virtuous and illustrious CHANCELLOR OR THE EXCHEQUER,
patriotically resolving to prefer the private interests of his friends
to the public distress of his enemies; and prudently preferring the
friendship of Lord LONSDALE to the satisfaction of ruining the
manufactures of IRELAND, has accordingly signified in the HOUSE OF
COMMONS, that he intends to propose some other tax as a substitute
for the said duty.
THIS IS TO GIVE NOTICE to all Gentlemen Runners, and Scribblers, as
aforesaid, that they hold themselves ready to furnish, agreeably to
our future orders, a sufficient number of panegyrical paragraphs,
properly ornamented with _Italics_ and CAPITALS, notes of
interrogation, and notes of admiration, apostrophe's and exclamations,
in support of any tax whatever, which the young Minister in his wisdom
may think proper to substitute. AND in the mean time that they fail
not to urge the public spirit and zeal for the national welfare,
humanity to the poor, and regard for the prosperity of our
manufacturers, which considerations ALONE induced the Minister to
abandon his original purpose of taxing coals: AND that they expatiate
on the wise exemptions and regulations which the Minister would
certainly have introduced into his bill for enacting the said tax, but
that (as he declared in the House of Commons) unfortunately for the
finances of this country, he had not time in the present Session of
Parliament to devise such exemptions and regulations: AND FINALLY,
that they boldly assert the said tax to have been GOOD, POLITIC, JUST,
and EQUITABLE; but that the new tax, which is to be substituted in
place of it, will necessarily be BETTER, MORE POLITIC, MORE JUST, and
MORE EQUITABLE.
MAC-OSSIAN,
_Superintendent-general of the Press._
PITT AND PINETTI. A PARALLEL.
SIGNOR PINETTI the Conjuror, and Mr. PITT the Premier, have a
wonderful similitude in the principal transactions and events by
which they are distinguished.
PINETTI, in defiance of Mr. COLMAN, took possession of his property
in the HAYMARKET THEATRE, and by the help of a little agency behind
the scenes, played several tricks, and became popular!
Mr. PITT in like manner seized upon another THEATRE-ROYAL, in the
absence of the rightful possessor, the Duke of PORTLAND. He had not,
it is true, the permission of a LORD CHAMBERLAIN as PINETTI had; but
the countenance of a LORD OF THE BEDCHAMBER was deemed equivalent.
Here he exhibited several surprising tricks and deceptions: we will
say nothing of the agency, but all present appeared delighted. PINETTI
also exhibited in the presence of Royalty, and with equal success,
as the sign manual he boasts of will testify.
PINETTI cuts a lemon in two, and shews a KNAVE OF DIAMONDS--Mr. PITT
in like manner can divide the HOUSE OF COMMONS, which for its acidity
may be called the political lemon. He cannot at present shew a KNAVE
OF DIAMONDS; but what may he not do when Mr. HASTINGS arrives?[1]
PINETTI takes a number of rings, he fastens them together, and
produces a CHAIN.--Does any person dispute Mr. PITT's ability to
construct a CHAIN?
PINETTI has a SYMPATHETIC LIGHT, which he extinguishes at command--Mr.
PITT's method of leaving us in the dark is by BLOCKING UP our WINDOWS!
PINETTI takes money out of one's pocket in defiance of all the
caution that can be used--Mr. PITT does the same, without returning
it.--In this the Minister differs from the Conjuror!
PINETTI attempted to strip off an Englishman's shirt; if he had
succeeded, he would have retained his popularity.--Mr. PITT attempted
this trick, and has carried his point.
PINETTI has a bird which sings exactly any tune put before it.--Mr.
PITT has upwards of TWO HUNDRED birds of this description.--N.B.
PEARSON says they are a pack of CHATTERING MAGPIES.
[1] The Editor feels it necessary to declare, in justice to Mr.
HASTINGS's character, that the charges since preferred by the HOUSE
OF COMMONS, and MAJOR SCOTT's _honour as a Gentleman_, have amply
disproved all parts of this comparison.
NEW ABSTRACT
OF THE
BUDGET,
FOR 1784.
COMMUTATION TAX.--An Act for rendering houses more chearful, healthy,
comfortable, and commodious.
PAPER DITTO.--An Act for the encouragement of authors, the promotion
of learning, and extending the liberty of the press.
POSTAGE DITTO.--An Act for expediting business, increasing social
intercourse, and facilitating the epistolary correspondence of
friends.
DISTILLERY DITTO.--An Act for making the landlords responsible to
government for the obedience of their own and their neighbours
tenantry.
CANDLE DITTO.--An Act for the benevolent purpose of putting the
blind on a level with their fellow-creatures.
EXCISE GOODS DITTO.--An Act for lessening the burthen of the subject
by an increase of the collection.
SOAP DITTO.--An Act for suppressing the effeminacy of Englishmen,
by disappointing them of clean linen.
SMUGGLING DITTO.--An Act for demonstrating the arbitrary spirit
of this free government, in whatever clashes with the interests
of the Treasury.
GAME DITTO.--An Act for making the many responsible, for a monopoly
of every thing nice and delicate, to the palates of the few.
HORSE DITTO.--An Act for reducing the farmers to the wholesome
exercise of walking, while their servants enfeeble themselves
with riding.
THEATRICAL INTELLIGENCE EXTRAORDINARY.
At the last grand FETE given by Mr. JENKINSON to his friends in
Administration, it was proposed, that as WILBERFORCE had sprained
his leg at the last game at LEAPFROG, and PRATT had grown too fat
for their old favourite sport of HIDE-AND-SEEK, some new diversion
should be instituted.--Various _succedanea_ were suggested, such as
CHUCK-FARTHING, MARBLES, &c. but at last the general voice determined
in favour of the DRAMA.--After some little altercation as to what
particular dramatic production to select, the comic opera of TOM JONES
was performed, and the arrangement of characters was disposed of
as follows:
DRAMATIS PERSONÆ.
BLIFIL, - - MR PITT.
BLACK GEORGE, - MR. ROBINSON.
KING OF THE GYPSIES, - LORD THURLOW.
THWACKAM, - MR. JENKINSON.
SQUARE, - - DR. PRETTYMAN.
SQUIRE WESTERN, - MR. ROLLE.
PARTRIDGE, - - MR. MACPHERSON.
The parts of ALLWORTHY, TOM JONES, and SOPHIA, were subjects of long
and difficult discussion; but at length Mr. DUNDAS put an end to the
altercation, by assuring the company that he was willing and able to
act ANY part, and would be glad, though at so short a notice, to
attempt that of ALLWORTHY. The same offer was handsomely made by
Lord DENBIGH for that of TOM JONES, and the character of SOPHIA was
at last allotted to VILLIERS.
THE
WESTMINSTER GUIDE.