OUR TEAMSTER BARNEY, AND HIS WIFE.
The burly form and red face of our partner was never more welcome, for
our stock of goods was run low, and our good credit required that we
should have an assortment on hand second to none in the town. We had
already a reputation with the miners for keeping articles of the best
quality, and our prices seemed to give better satisfaction than the
rates of any other storekeepers.
We grasped our diligent partner by his huge, hard hand, and welcomed him
to our home, and asked a dozen questions in a minute, regarding the
state of the markets in Melbourne--whether he had got a package of
letters for us--how many newspapers he had with him--whether the roads
were safe--and a dozen other matters were touched on, that required all
of Smith's patience and lungs to attend to.
"Just you hold on a minute," he said, "until I can get my cattle
unyoked, and then I will attend to you and your questions."
We did not wait for him to carry his request into effect, for we lent
him a helping hand with the cattle, although, to tell the truth, the
animals did not seem in the least grateful for the assistance, and
attempted, with their long horns, to transfix certain portions of our
anatomy that we were not disposed to have injured. At length, however,
the animals were turned loose, and then Smith was at liberty to reply to
our interrogations.
"In the first place, I've got a dozen or twenty letters, and about the
same number of newspapers from the States. I'll tell you how I fixed
it."
"But the papers?" we cried.
"I'm coming to 'em as fast as I can. Just as I got into Melbourne, a big
American ship dropped anchor, and on board I went. I got hold of the
captain, told him the news, and then boned him for papers. I informed
him that I wanted them for countrymen of his, and he gave me all that he
had, and here they are."
Smith pulled the precious documents from his knapsack, and in a few
minutes we were absorbed in devouring the contents of letters, and
Boston and New York newspapers.
We never knew the name of the captain who responded so promptly to
Smith's appeal, but wherever his fortune may lead him, may he have fair
winds, and high freights, and never lose a spar.
No one can understand the joy with which a letter is received from home,
unless he has travelled in foreign lands, and been without advices from
friends for many months. The letters were the first that we had received
while in Australia, and we prized them more on that account, perhaps,
than if we had been in constant communication with the States.
We had written from California, announcing our departure, and directing
that all letters should be sent to Melbourne until further notice, and
the warm expressions which our epistles contained showed that our
friends had not forgotten us.
Smith, who seemed as fresh as the day that he started from Melbourne,
left us to our letter-feast, and prepared supper with that dexterity
which had distinguished him many times; and even when we had put our
papers under lock and key--so greedy were we, and fearful that some
acquaintance would step in, and desire to borrow a journal before we had
gleaned the news--waved us back, and expressed himself competent to
perform his allotted task without interference.
"You talk about home and the news until after supper, and leave me
alone, 'cos after we light our pipes we shall have business matters to
look over, and figure up, unless the woman and her husband gets along,
and then we shall see fun."
"What woman do you mean?" I asked.
"Why, didn't I tell you that Barney was married?" demanded Smith.
"Of course you did, and said that he was about five miles from town, and
would be here in two or three hours' time."
"Well, Barney has his wife with him, and a pretty life she is leading
him. I listened to her scoldings and complaints until I couldn't stand
any more, and then I whipped up my cattle and got out of the sound of
her tongue, and by good management I have avoided her for two days. She
is good looking, but has got the spirit of the devil in her
composition."
We recollected that Murden, in his letter, alluded to the lady, and
although we were not impatient to see her, we know that she would have
some claims upon our hospitality for her husband's sake, and to prevent
her from breaking out into open mutiny, we made some few preparations to
receive the lady with becoming honors. We got out a small tent that we
owned, and had made on the passage from San Francisco to Australia, and
pitched it near the store for the express accommodation of the bride and
groom, and then stocked it with a mattress and blankets, and thought the
lady would be delighted at our delicate attentions. We even kept back
supper an hour, and added a number of little luxuries, on purpose to
give her an agreeable surprise, and show that we were still susceptible
of woman's influence and beauty.
At about seven o'clock we heard the rumbling of wheels, and the loud,
quick crack of a stockman's whip. Smith glanced anxiously towards the
supper, and was visibly agitated, as though he expected to receive
disastrous news. Rover, who had been lying near the door, waiting with
remarkable patience for his supper, uttered a howl, and retreated
towards the horses, as though to communicate some bad intelligence.
"Why don't you stop the team, if this is the place, you confounded
fool?" we heard some one say.
"That's her," groaned Smith; "I should know that voice if I was off the
Cape of Good Hope, and I almost wish that I was at sea, or on a desert
island."
We hurried to the door, to receive our guest, and with our curiosity
somewhat excited to see the woman whom all appeared to dread.
To our extreme surprise, we saw a female not more than twenty years of
age, dressed in the latest style of Melbourne fashion, with a frank,
pleasing face, looking fresh and clean, which was so extraordinary, in
that part of the world, that we rather exceeded good manners by the
length of our gaze.
We little knew, at the time, that the lady, for the purpose of making a
favorable impression upon our susceptible hearts, had insisted upon her
husband's stopping his team, a few miles from Ballarat, while she made
her toilet, and to do so, had used all the water in the water kegs, to
the great distress of the oxen, who were really suffering for a drink.
Yes, the bride was really handsome, and would be called so in any
civilized portion of the world, where beauty is recognized by the
standard of regular features, clear skin, white teeth, and a perfect
form. Her eyes, too, were large, black, and lustrous, and she understood
the use of them as well as the most arrant Spanish coquette that ever
lived.
I advanced to the team, and extended my hand for the purpose of
assisting the lady to alight, for her husband seemed occupied with his
cattle, and unable to afford her those delicate attentions which a wife
sometimes requires.
"Who, in the devil's name, are you?" she asked, in a quick, pert manner,
as though determined to astonish us on the first hour of her arrival.
I heard a smothered laugh in the store, as though Smith was endeavoring
to prevent an explosion, and even Fred had hard work to retain his
countenance.
"This gentleman, Maria," cried the woman's husband, rushing to my
rescue, "is one of my employers, whom I spoke to you about."
"O, is he?" she asked, with a strong stare, first at me and then at
Fred. "Well, I don't see any thing remarkable about him, and he isn't
half as good looking as the fellow standing in the door."
The compliment to Fred, at my expense, was answered by another
suppressed groan from Smith, while the poor husband hardly knew whether
to abuse his better half or coax her.
"Don't talk that way to strangers," the poor devil pleaded, but his good
nature was all thrown away.
"Go and attend to the cattle," she ordered, "and let me alone. I haven't
had a moment's peace since I married you, and I almost wish that I had
fallen to the stout miner who wanted me so much. He was something like a
man, and was as big as two of you."
"I wish, with all my heart, you had," muttered the bridegroom, but he
took good care not to let her hear him.
"Well, give me your hand," the wife exclaimed, addressing me; "I see
that no one is coming to my assistance, and a poor beau is better than
none, as we used to say in Radcliff Highway." And when I extended my
hand, she grasped it warmly, pressed it strongly, and with a display of
ankles that put my modesty to its severest test, gave a spring, and was
on the ground beside me.
"Well, you ain't so bad looking as I thought for," Maria continued,
flashing a wicked glance at me, with her large eyes, that stirred my
blood, in defiance of her forwardness and vulgarity. "We shall be
cronies, I know. Only let me have my own way, and make love to me, and
we shall get along quite pleasantly."
"But you forget your husband," I insinuated, seeing that that worthy
individual began to look rather black at the idea of having a rival in
his wife's affections.
"O Lord! what's the use of mentioning Barney? He's a poor coot, and will
soon get used to my ways; won't you, deary?"
The husband didn't make an audible reply, but I understood him to say
"Damn," quite distinctly.
"What have you got for supper!" our female visitor asked. "I'm hungry
enough to eat a two-year-old baby. Let me have something, that's a good
feller, and then we'll talk about other matters."
I didn't admire her impudence, but as Fred was inclined to keep in the
background, and Smith wouldn't respond, I had to do the honors of the
house with as much dignity as possible. I seated her at our rough table,
and helped her liberally, and was pleased to see that absence from her
haunts in London had not diminished her appetite, or caused a regretful
feeling in her heart.
"I'm glad I accepted the chance to visit this country," she said, "for I
begin to like it. The old fogies promised that I should have a husband
as soon as I arrived, and they kept their word, but I wished that I'd
got a larger one. I don't like little men, and never did."
Her husband was heard to observe that he preferred a quiet woman to a
noisy one, but the remark didn't seem to make much of an impression.
"By the way," Mrs. Barney cried, "where am I to sleep to-night? in that
little room?"
Before we could answer her, she arose from the table and ran towards it,
and saw our patient lying upon the bed.
"Hullo!" she exclaimed, in astonishment, "what is that old fellow doing
there? I can't have him with me!"
I explained to her that a bed had been provided in a tent but a few feet
from the store, where she and her husband could make themselves
comfortable, if they were so disposed, but she would not listen to me.
"Do you s'pose," she cried, "that I'm such a fool as to sleep out under
a tent, where I shall be liable to be eaten up by the savages? My old
man can sleep there, but I'm going to pass the night in the store."
We assured her that we could not consent to any such arrangement. That
all our papers and every thing that we possessed in the world was in the
store, and that we could not think of leaving under any consideration
whatever.
"Well, who wants you to leave?" she demanded, with a flash of her
amorous eyes, that would have told powerfully on men of more nerve than
ourselves; "there can be no harm if I stay here. You are men of honor, I
suppose?"
Again did her large, black eyes fall upon me, but I was blind to her
blandishments and arts; and, at length, Maria appeared to entertain the
same opinion, for she threw out signals to Fred, and when she found that
they were not answered, she commenced the practice of a thousand arts,
which a woman knows so well how to use, to make him feel an interest in
her welfare. But all her play was useless, and even when she pretended
that her hair, long, black, and wavy, fell around her shoulders
accidentally, and when she laughed, and threw it back from her fresh,
child-like face, we were not melted, for we remembered that she had a
husband, and that his rights were sacred.
Her bold challenge was unheeded, and Maria felt that she was defeated,
even where she was sure of victory. She had, apparently, entertained a
different idea respecting us, and for a few minutes she sat looking
humbled, but not ashamed. It seemed a pity that one so fair should be so
rude and vile; but the streets of London soon corrupt, and the haunt
from whence Maria graduated is notorious for its wantons.
We pitied her husband, although we had only known and employed him for a
short time, yet we had found him honest and industrious, and apparently
disposed to do well. I could see that he felt grateful for the course
which we had pursued, and I determined to have a long talk with him,
upon the first favorable opportunity, in regard to his future prospects.
"Well," Maria muttered, after sitting in silence for a short time,
suddenly starting up, "if I am to be turned out of doors. I suppose that
I must go without delay. Come along, old man, if you are coming," she
continued, addressing her husband, and the latter obediently followed to
the tent, which we had been to some pains to prepare for her.
"Thank Heaven, she has gone," said Smith, fervently, raising his head,
like a camel after a cloud of dust had passed over a desert; "only think
what my wife would have said, if she had insisted upon sleeping in the
same room with us. And yet I feared that she would carry her point, for
she is as determined a vixen as ever assumed the form of woman."
The matrimonial life of poor Barney was not a lengthy one; and I may as
well follow it to a close, while I am writing upon the subject. At his
request we paid him off, and hired another man to drive the second team.
He had money enough to commence housekeeping, or rather tent-keeping, on
a very respectable scale, and with the funds which he had left,
purchased a mining claim, nearly worked out to be sure, but still,
considerable sums of gold had been taken from it, and quite a number of
nuggets of fair size had been secured.
The claim was very near our store, so that our advice was frequently
required by poor Barney, who led rather a hard life of it, toiling as he
did all day under ground, in wet and cold places, and when night
arrived, half of the time he would have to get his own supper, his
amiable wife being on visits of privacy to people in the neighborhood.
For the first few weeks of their residence at Ballarat the ill-matched
couple did all of their trading at our store, until at length so many
stimulating luxuries were purchased by Maria, that Barney requested us
to refuse her credit, which, in compliance with his wishes, we did, and
received such a torrent of abuse from the wife for so doing, that we
wished her back to her old haunts, in Radcliff Highway, and had serious
thoughts of attempting to recover damages from the "Moral Emigration
Society" which exported her. For a woman with so fair a face, she had
the vilest tongue that I ever heard.
After the credit system was abolished, Maria transferred her favors to a
store on Gravel Pit Hill, where, for a time, she was quite a favorite,
and thrived wonderfully; but her husband got wind of her doings, and
threatened to shoot the first man that he saw taking improper liberties
with his property, and that rather dashed the spirits of the gallants,
for Barney was bold as a lion, and carried a pair of very good pistols
in his belt, in addition to a bowie knife of wondrous keenness.
The poor, depraved woman, finding that she was watched, and that her
male companions kept aloof, after the threat which Barney made, got up a
clandestine correspondence with a young fellow who was smitten with her
pretty face, and to put a stop to it Barney was obliged to break one of
his rival's arms with a pistol bullet, one morning, just as he was
putting a letter under a log that stood in front of his tent.
The wife, for the first few days, refused to be comforted, and then she
apparently forgot the matter, and seemed to care no more about it. To
her husband's surprise, she paid more attention to his comfort than
usual--remained at her tent while he was absent, forsook the company of
strange men entirely, no longer run in debt, and such a complete change
was observed in her, that the Rev. Mr. Blackburn ventured to call once,
and inquire if her sinful heart had melted. What answer Maria returned
is unknown, as the reverend gentleman never divulged; but it was noticed
that he left her tent walking quite rapidly, and that he never ventured
there a second time.
I think that it was about six weeks after Barney had broken the
gallant's arm, that he suddenly presented himself in the store, his face
radiant with happiness.
"I've got some good news for you," he said, rubbing his hands with
satisfaction.
"What is it, Barney?" I inquired; "have you found a nugget?"
"Better than that," he cried.
"Then you have found a chunk."
"No; something better than that--ten times better."
"Well, relate it. We are impatient to learn what good has befallen you."
"You would never guess," Barney said, in a mysterious manner, as though
what he had to impart would bear keeping for some time; "but," and here
his face once more beamed with smiles, "my wife has cut stick."
"What do you mean--run away?" I asked, surprised at the intelligence.
"That is what I mean. She has run off with the fellow whose arm I broke
some time since; and she not only took her clothes, but she seized every
thing of value I had in the tent. They have got six hours the start of
me, but I think--"
He paused, and seemed to consider for a moment.
"You think that you can overtake them," I suggested; "I have no doubt
but that you can, and the best horse that we own is at your disposal."
"O, bless your heart, I was not considering the subject in that light,"
he answered, "I was thinking whether I should advertise that I would not
be responsible for any debts that she contracts."
I told him that I thought he need give himself no uneasiness on that
score; but Barney was a mathematical body, and always desired to do
business on the square; and as he seemed so set upon writing an
advertisement, I furnished him ink and paper, and after a laborious
process, he wrote the following, which I copy _verbatim_.
"NOTICE.--My wife, Maria Barney, the ugliest woman that ever lived, has
left my tent and board without any justifiable cause, 'cos I use to do
all that I could do to make her pretty comfortable, and in spite of my
wishes, she would cut up like the devil, and run after other men. Now, I
want all men to notice this act of mine. I won't pay a d----d cent of
her debts, and I hope no one will return her to me, 'cos I don't want
her. JIM BARNEY."
I persuaded Barney that the announcement would be valid in law, if he
only stuck it up in the store, where it could be read by the miners, and
it may be there until this day, for all that I know.