_(By our Special Reporter, who is also busy with the Coal
Commission.)_
At the three hundred and seventeenth sitting of the Musical
Reconstruction Commission Mr. Justice Bland, the President, said he
felt sure he would be voicing the feelings of all present in tendering
his congratulations to Sir Leonardo Spaghetti Coyne on his elevation
to the peerage as Viscount Vermicelli of Milan, and to Mr. Gladney
Jebb on receiving the honour of K.P.O. (Knight of the Proletarian
Order).
A memorandum on the economics of the Russian Ballet and the probable
cost of its reorganisation on a Marxian basis was read by Mr.
Ploffskin of the Garden City Gymnosophist Guild. By a scheme for a
uniform salary for all dancers, compulsory vegetarian diet, and the
exclusive use of the balalaika, Mr. Ploffskin was of opinion that
a Bolshevist Ballet might be safely organised so as to satisfy the
artistic aspirations of the proletariat and counteract the pernicious
influences of the pseudo-Ethiopian style affected by the idle rich.
Examined by Sir Edwin Edgar, O.M., Mr. Ploffskin admitted that none of
the famous Russian composers of recent years had associated themselves
with the Revolutionary movement, and that the Russian Ballet had
originally been an integral part of the Imperial Opera. But he had no
doubt that on a proper proletarian basis it would function with a
far more beneficent activity. He pointed out that there was a strong
facial resemblance between TROTSKY and M. PADEREWSKI, and between
LENIN and BEETHOVEN. In reply to a question from Mr. Moody MacTear,
Mr. Ploffskin said that he had been down a coal-mine in Siberia.
Sir Mark Holloway, who next occupied the witness's chair, admitted,
in reply to the questions of Sir Gladney Jebb, that, since his student
days, he had seldom been engaged in manual labour on any instrument
for more than two hours a day. It was not necessary for a conductor.
But he knew of pianists who practised for six or even eight hours a
day with impunity.
_Sir Gladney Jebb_. Do you not think that if all compositions were
written in the key of C it would materially conduce to the greatest
happiness of the greatest number?--The President has already
deprecated the multiplication of hypothetical questions, which have
reached a total of more than fifteen thousand.
_Viscount Vermicelli_. Do you think that the unrestrained performance
of Jazz-music conduces to the moral betterment of the simian
proletariat?--That seems to me to be a question which bears on the
administration of the Unnecessary Noises Act.
Are you in favour of the establishment of a Ministry for the Control
of Syncopation?--No; but I would cordially support a Bill for the
Compulsory Segregation of Irresponsible Collectivists.
In reply to Mr. Moody MacTear, Sir Mark Holloway said that he had
never been down a coal-mine, but that he had a few shares in a
gold-mine, which had cost him five pounds a-piece, but had never borne
any dividends and were now quoted at one-and-sixpence.
The next witness, Dame Frisca, the famous Californian singer, was
subjected to a remarkably severe examination by Mr. Moody MacTear.
_Mr. Moody MacTear_. Do you consider that the assumption of the title
_prima donna_ is compatible with democratic principles?--I never
assumed it; it was bestowed on me by the free suffrages of the musical
world.
_Mr. MacTear_. Then you admit that you possess it. Are you prepared
to submit proof of your title to the Commission?--Certainly; but it
would probably mean bringing forty van-loads of press-cuttings and
cause considerable congestion of traffic.
_Mr. MacTear_. Is it not the case that the _prima donna_ has been
condemned by the best musical critics as an obsolete anachronism,
tending to perpetuate the abuses of the "star" system and to foster
breaches of the Decalogue and to enhance the soloist at the expense
of the chorus?--I believe that WAGNER held the view expressed in the
opening part of your question, but he was unable to get on without
her, wrote a famous address to the Star of Eve, and gave the chorus
practically nothing to do in many of his operas.
_Mr. MacTear_. Is it not the case that the operatic tenor has been
pronounced on good authority to be not a man but a disease?--The
authority was a German conductor, who was presumably speaking of
German tenors.
_Mr. MacTear_. Have you ever been down a coal-mine?--No; but I was
presented with a diamond brooch by the diggers of Kimberley.
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