"We thought it was to be a _Peace_ Conference," remarks the _Berliner
Tageblatt_ sadly. Instead of which it turned out to be another Diet of
Worms.
***
"Wanted a Dock Examiner," says a technical paper advertisement. Now if
they had only wanted a Duke examiner we have the very man in mind.
***
Several correspondents have written to _The Daily Express_ asking
whether it is not unlucky to be married on a Friday. Our own
experience is that it doesn't make much difference which day it is.
***
We learn on good authority that an airman recently flew from
Newfoundland to the English coast, but immediately returned as he
considered that the weather was unfavourable for landing. As the whole
affair appears to have been hushed up it is thought that he was of
American nationality.
***
"A seasonable dish," says _Household Hints_, "is _crab au gratis_." We
can only say that in our own experience it never seems to be in season
at the smartest restaurants.
***
An American Army doctor has discovered that sea-sickness originates
in the ears. This confirms the old theory that persons who sleep with
both ears pressed against the pillow are never sea-sick.
***
Presents given prior to engagements, says Judge CLUER, are in the
nature of bait and cannot be recovered. Once the angler is safely
hooked a different situation arises.
***
"I am confident," writes "J.E.P." in _The Daily Mail_, "that nineteen
out of twenty men do not know what they should do on being bitten by
a mad dog." The common practice of trying to bite the dog back is
admittedly inadequate.
***
The London County Council have decided not to remove the marks of
damage done by aircraft to the base of Cleopatra's Needle. It seems
that they have also had to refuse the request of some curio-hunters
who asked if they might have the indentations as mementos.
***
Owing to the inflated price of silver, a contemporary points out, the
shilling now contains only ten-pence half-penny worth of silver. More
important however is the fact that, owing to the inflated cheek of
dairymen, it only contains three pennyworth of milk.
***
"Singing," says Dr. HENRY COWARD, "is a valuable preventive against
influenza." It is also known that certain streptococci have an intense
dislike to the trombone.
***
The parishioners of All Saints' Church, South Acton, are invited by
the clergy to say what they would like to be preached to about. The
little boy who wrote that he would like a sermon on the proper way to
feed white rats is still hopeful.
***
It appears that a Wallasey licensee, in order to satisfy his
customers, sent a sample of Government ale to be analysed. We
understand that the analyst reported that there was nothing in it.
***
"I don't go to the pictures," says Mr. H.G. WELLS. It is not clear
whether the Academy or the cinema is meant, but it shows that the
famous novelist is, after all, only human, like so many of us.
***
As a result of high prices, says _The Daily Express_, ladies may now
be seen at Longchamps without stockings. We have noticed similar signs
of the high price of ladies' dresses in this country.
***
Sir NEVILLE MACREADY'S statement that "burglars to-day often resort to
violence" has caused much annoyance, and the famous police chief is
to be asked to receive a deputation of London burglars to discuss the
point.
***
Under no circumstances, says a medical leaflet, should flies be
allowed in the house. If they knock at the front-door and then rush
past you, send for a policeman.
***
A Streatham resident is offering a reward of ten shillings for the
return of a "ginger" cat which has been lost. As the owner has shown
no other traces of the effect of the hot weather the authorities have
decided not to pursue the case.
***
Things are coming to a pretty pass in Ireland. Just because a
man attempted to murder somebody in County Armagh the police have
threatened to arrest him.
***
An ex-special constable, relating his experiences in a weekly
magazine, mentions that he once found a perfectly good alarum-clock on
the doorstep of a neighbour's house. Further investigation would, no
doubt, have resulted in the discovery of the milk-jug on the bedroom
mantelpiece.
***
"A young man should kiss a girl on either the left or the right
cheek," says a writer on hygiene in a weekly paper. As the option of
either cheek is given, many young men will no doubt hesitate between
the two.
***
An evening paper reports that a live shell was found "laying" in
an open field near Southend. This seems a sure sign that the
nesting-season is now in full swing, and it seems a pity that we did
not think of this method of shell-production during the War.
***
"No honest German," says Herr SCHEIDEMANN, "can possibly sign the
Peace Treaty." The best plan, perhaps, would be to call for volunteers
and take the risk as to qualification.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Boxer (amidst a babel of advice_). "LOOK 'ERE--CHUCK
IT! I GOT DEMOBILISED AS A _ONE-MAN_ BUSINESS."]
* * * * *