The other day, while I was out for a ride, I happened to run up
against my two Chinese acquaintances, Ah Sin and Dam Li, and I stopped
to have a chat with them. After the usual greetings Dam Li remarked:--
"Hon'lable officer lookee too muchee sad."
"Allee same like littlee dog when 'nother big dog stealum bone,"
supplemented Ah Sin.
"I wasn't aware of it," I said shortly, a little hurt at the
comparison.
"P'haps hon'lable officer losee lations allee same little dog,"
suggested Dam Li.
"Well," I admitted, "I _have_ lost something--at least the Mess has.
Only it isn't rations; it's a milk-jug."
This, our only article of plate, was a battered piece of
treasure-trove salved from the ruins of a derelict village.
Dam Li was all sympathy.
"You talkee China boy. Him findum one time plenty quick," he announced
confidently.
"All right," I said; "only you won't get anything just for trying,
mind. You'll have to succeed."
"China boy no wantchee nothing," replied Dam Li reproachfully.
"Him only wantchee officer smile allee same like dog waggee tail when
lations come back," added Ah Sin by way of embroidery.
"Thank you," I said gravely. "And when do you propose to start
replacing my smile?"
Apparently there was no time like the present, so back we went to the
Mess and they set to work. Their opening move was somewhat startling,
even to me who knew them of old.
"Giveum China boy one piecee blead," commanded Dam Li.
"What for?" I demurred.
"China Boy eatum blead and talkee plenty good player [prayer]," said
Ah Sin. "Then thief-man too muchee flighten' an' giveum back jug
plenty dam quick."
"But why should he be afraid?" I asked.
Ah Sin was very patient with me.
"Players plenty stlong language talkee," he said. "S'pose thief-man
not giveum back jug, belly get plenty too muchee fat ..."
"An' go bang allee same air-dlagon bomb," broke in Dam Li, rubbing his
hands together at the prospect.
"Very well, you may have your loaf," said I, capitulating; and then
rashly I added, "Is there anything else you'd like?"
"Beer makee players plenty much worser for thief-man," said Ah Sin
ingratiatingly.
In the end I produced the beer as well as the bread and the
incantations commenced. They consisted in getting outside my bread and
beer, and in filling the intervals between mouthfuls with a copious
barrage of Chinese, occasional prostrations and a considerable amount
of laughter. This last aroused my suspicions and I asked what it
meant.
"Thief-man keepee plenty big pain here," explained Dam Li, indicating
the region to which the bread and beer had by now all descended. "Him
topside mad this minute."
"Giveum back jug to-mollow," prophesied Ah Sin. "China boy come an'
see," he added as he got up to go.
The morrow arrived and so did the Chinamen, but not the milk-jug. This
seemed to cause Ah Sin and Dam Li the greatest surprise.
"Thief-man No. 1 stlong man," asserted the former.
"Wantchee extla double-lation players," agreed his companion.
"Hon'lable officer giveum China boy 'nother piece blead," suggested Ah
Sin.
"An' baer," added Dam Li hastily.
Nosing an obvious conspiracy I at first refused. However I at length
gave way on the understanding that there was on no account to be a
third imposition. The rites of the day before were thereupon repeated.
When they were over Dam Li suddenly professed himself to be inspired.
"China boy seeum jug," he announced.
"Where?" I asked.
"Seeum box, plenty too muchee big," Dam Li went on in sepulchral
tones; "jug inside box."
Ah Sin now joined in.
"Where isum box?" he asked excitedly.
"No savvy," replied Dam Li, shaking his head.
Ah Sin gazed wildly around. Seeing a box in the distance he rushed at
it. Dam Li waved him back.
"That box no dam use," he stated.
Ah Sin tried again.
"P'haps him in dirty box," he suggested.
Dam Li rolled his eyes inwards, as one who consulted an oracle within.
"Jug inside dirty box," he agreed ultimately, pointing in its
direction.
"Oh, in the dust-bin," I said. "Well, there's no harm in looking."
So look we did, and there, sure enough, it was. I picked it out and
did some quick thinking.
"Now, when did you two ruffians put it there?" I asked sternly.
"Thief-man put it there," protested Dam Li, with a magnificent look of
injured innocence.
"I know," said I. "Come on, now, tell me why you stole it, and, as
you've brought it back again, I _may_ let you off."
"China boy's lations too muchee few, him plenty hungly," said Ah Sin,
seeing that the game was up.
"S'pose him sellum jug, buy plenty beer," confided Dam Li
unblushingly.
"But hon'lable officer lookee too muchee sad, so China boy dam solly.
Fetchee back jug," resumed Ah Sin.
As I had often gone out of my way to do the pair a good turn I was
naturally pained at their ingratitude. Taking the jug, I turned away
in silence and left them. Ah Sin pursued me.
"Hon'lable officer likee jug?" he asked.
Dam Li, who had followed, answered for me.
"Likee jug allee same China boy likee lations," he explained.
"An' China boy gottee lations, blead an' beer, allee same hon'lable
officer gottee jug," continued Ah Sin.
"Then what more can wantchee?" concluded Dam Li triumphantly.