that ye canna pass withoot lookin'; there's bits o' blue and bits o'
red, and a ribbon here an' a lace yonder.
"It's a bonnie show and denty, an' no wunner the lassies stan' and
stare.
"But gae intae the shop, and peety me, there's next tae naethin';
it's a' in the window.
"Noo, that's Maister Popinjay, as neat an' fikey a little mannie as
ever a' saw in a black goon.
"His bit sermon wes six poems--five a' hed heard afore--four
anecdotes--three aboot himsel' and ain aboot a lord--twa burnies, ae
floo'r gairden, and a snowstorm, wi' the text thirteen times and
'beloved' twal; that was a'; a takin' window, and Netherton's
lassies cudna sleep thinkin' o' him.
"There's ither shopmen in Muirtown that fair scunner ye wi' their
windows--they're that ill set out--and inside there's sic a wrale o'
stuff that the man canna get what ye want; he's clean smoored wi'
his ain goods.
"It's a graund shop for the auld fouk that hae plenty o' time and
can turn ower the things by the 'oor. Ye 'ill no get a young body
inside the door.
"That's Maister Auchtermuchty; he hes mair material than he kens hoo
tae handle, and naebody, hearin' him, can mak head or tail o' his
sermon.
"Ye get a rive at the Covenants ae meenute, and a mouthfu' o'
justification the next. Yir nae suner wi' the Patriarchs than yir
whuppit aff tae the Apostles.
"It's rich feedin', nae doot, but sair mixed, an' no verra tasty."
So the old and young compromised, and chose Carmichael.
Elspeth was candid enough on occasion, but she was not indiscreet.
She could convey her mind delicately if need be, and was a mistress
of subtle suggestion.
When Netherton's nephew preached the missionary sermon--he was a
stout young man with a volcanic voice--Mrs. Macfadyen could not
shirk her duty, but she gave her judgment with care.
"He's a fine lad, and 'ill be sure to get a kirk; he's been weel
brocht up, and comes o' decent fouk.
"His doctrine soonds richt, and he 'ill no gang aff the track. Ye
canna ca' him bashfu', and he's sure to be heard."
Her audience still waited, and not in vain.
"But the Lord hes nae pleesure in the legs o' a man," and every one
felt that the last word had been said on Netherton's nephew.
II
THE COLLAPSE OF MRS. MACFADYEN
Carmichael used to lament bitterly that he had lost his Gaelic, and
laboured plans of compensation for our Celts, who were understood to
worship in English at an immense reduction of profit. One spring he
intercepted a Highland minister, who was returning from his winter's
raid on Glasgow with great spoil, and arranged an evening service,
which might carry Lachlan Campbell back to the golden days of
Auchindarroch. Mr. Dugald Mactavish was himself much impressed with
the opportunity of refreshing his exiled brethren, speaking freely
on the Saturday of the Lowlands as Babylon, and the duty of
gathering the outcasts of Israel into one. He was weaned with
difficulty from Gaelic, and only consented to preach in the "other
language" on condition that he should not be restricted in time. His
soul had been much hampered in West End churches, where he had to
appeal for his new stove under the first head, lest he should go
empty away, and it was natural for one escaping from such bondage to
put a generous interpretation on Carmichael's concession. So Maister
Dugald continued unto the setting of the sun. His discourse was so
rich and varied that Peddie of Muirtown on original sin was not to
be compared with it in breadth of treatment, and Mrs. Macfadyen
confessed frankly that she gave up in despair before the preacher
had fairly entered on his second hour. Besides the encounter of the
preacher with Mr. Urijah Hopps, which carried the Glen by storm, and
kept the name of Mactavish green with us for a generation.
Rumours of this monumental pulpit effort, with its stirring
circumstances, passed from end to end of the Glen during the week,
and Peter himself recognised that it was an occasion at the Junction
on Friday.
"Ye may as weel shut aff the steam, Jeems," Peter explained to our
engine-driver, "an' gie them ten meenuts. It's been by ordinar' at
Drumtochty Free Kirk laist Sabbath nicht, and Drumsheugh 'ill no
move till he hears the end o't."
And as soon as the Muirtown train had removed all strangers, that
worthy man opened the campaign.
"What kin' o' collieshangie (disturbance) is this ye've been
carryin' on, Hillocks? it's doonricht aggravatin' that ye're no
content pesterin' oor life oot wi' that English body in the
kirkyaird, but ye maist needs set him up tae arglebargle wi' a
stranger minister at the Free Kirk. They say that the puir man cud
hardly get a word in atween you and yir lodger. Burnbrae here is
threatenin' ye wi' the Sherra, and a' dinna wonder.
"It's nae lauchin' maitter, a' can tell ye, Drumsheugh; a've never
been sae black affrontit a' ma life. Burnbrae kens as weel as ye dae
that a' wasna tae blame.
"Ye 'ill better clear yersel at ony rate, Hillocks, for some o' the
neeburs threep (insist) 'at it wes you, and some that it wes yir
freend, an' there's ithers declare ye ran in compt (company) like
twa dogs worrying sheep; it wes a bonnie like pliskie (escapade)
onywy, and hardly fit for an Auld Kirk elder"--a sally much enjoyed
by the audience, who knew that, after Whinnie, Hillocks was the
doucest man in Drumtochty.
"Weel, ye see it wes this wy," began Hillocks, with the air of a man
on his trial for fire raising. "Hopps fund oot that a Hielandman wes
tae preach in the Free Kirk, and naethin' wud sateesfy him but that
we maun gae. A' micht hae jaloused (suspected) it wesna the sermon
the wratch wantit, for he hed the impidence tae complain that the
Doctor was tedious Sabbath a fortnicht when he gied us 'Ruth,'
though I never minded 'Ruth' gae aff sae sweet a' the times a've
heard it.
"Gin a' hed imagined what the ettercap (captious creature) wes
aifter a' wud hae seen ma feet in the fire afore they carried me tae
the Free Kirk that nicht.
"Says he tae me on the road, 'A'm told the minister will be in his
national costume.'
"'He 'ill be in his goon and bands,' says I, 'if that's what ye
mean,' for the head o' him is fu' o' maggots, and nae man can tell
what he wull be at next.
"'Mister Soutar said that he would wear his kilt, and that it would
be an interesting spectacle.'
"'Jamie's been drawing yir leg (befooling you),' says I. 'Man,
there's naebody wears a kilt forbye gemkeepers and tourist bodies.
Ye 'ill better come awa hame,' and sall, if a' hed kent what wes tae
happen, a' wud hae taken him aff below ma oxter.
"It's no richt tae mak me responsible, for a' tried tae wile him awa
tae the back o' the kirk whar naebody cud see him, but he's that
thrawn and upsettin', if he didna gae tae the verra front seat afore
the poopit.
"'I want a good position,' says he; 'I'll see everything here;' sae
a' left him an' gied tae Elspeth Macfadyen's seat.
"'He's anxious tae hear,' she said, 'an' a'm thinkin' he 'ill get
mair than he expecks. A' wish it wes weel ower masel, Hillocks; it
'ill be an awfu' nicht.'
"Thae Hielandmen dinna pit aff time wi' the preleeminaries, but they
were lang eneuch tae let onybody see what kin' o' man Mactavish wes.
"A gruesome carle, neeburs, wi' his hair hangin' roond his face like
a warlock and his een blazin' oot o' his head like fire; the sicht
o' him is sure tae sober Hopps, thinks I.
"But no, there's some fouk 'ill tak nae warnin'; there he was,
sittin' in front o' Mactavish with his thumbs in his airm holes, and
a watch gaird spread richt across him, and ae leg cocked over the
ither, the verra eemage of a bantam cock fleein' in the face o'
judgment."
Drumtochty had never moved during this history, and now they drew
closer round Hillocks, on whom the mantle of speech had for once
descended.
"Mactavish lookit at the body aince, and he lookit again juist tae
gie him fair notis, and then he broke oot in face o' the hale
congregation:
"'There's nothing in all the world so deceptive as sin, for outside
it's like a bonnie summer day, and inside it's as black as hell.
"'Now here iss this fat little man sittin' before me with his suit
o' blue clothes so bonnie and dainty, and a watch guard as thick as
my finger on his wame, smilin' an' smirkin', and real well contented
with himself, but if he wass opened up what a sight it would be for
men and angels. Oh yes, yes, it would be a fearsome sicht, and no
man here would be able to look.'
"A' tell ye, neeburs, ye micht hae heard a pin fa' tae the ground,
and ma heart was thumping in ma briest; a' wudna come thro' the like
o' yon again for half the pleenishin' o' Hillocks."
There was not a sound at the junction save the steam escaping from
the engine, and Hillocks resumed:
"But the worst's comin'. Hopps jumps up and faces Mactavish--a'll no
deny there is some spunk in the body.
"'What right have you to speak like that to me? do you know who I
am?'
"He hed better been quiet, for he wes nae match for yon Hielandman.
"Mactavish glowered at him for maybe a meenut till the puir cratur
fell back intae his seat.
"'Man,' says Mactavish, 'I do not know who you are, and I do not
know what you are, and I shall not be asking who you are, and I am
not caring though you be MacCallummore himsel'. You are just a
Parable, oh yes, just a Parable.
"'But if ye be convicted of secret sin ye may go out, and if there
be anybody else whose sins have been laid bare he may go out too,
and if nobody wants to go out, then I will be going on with the
sermon, oh yes, for it will not do to be spending all our time on
Parables.'
"As sure as a'm stannin' here ye cudna see Hopps inside his claithes
when Mactavish wes dune wi' him."
When the train started Hillocks received the compliments of the
third with much modesty, and added piquant details regarding the
utter confusion of our sermon taster.
"'Did ye follow?' a' speirit o' Elspeth afore a' went tae pit Hopps
thegither.
"'Cud a' follow a bumbee?' was the only word a' got frae her; a' saw
she was beaten for aince and wes rael mad."
"I'st true Elspeth scuffled wi' her feet at the laist head and gar'd
him close?"
"A'll neither deny nor affirm, Drumsheugh; but there's nae doot when
the mune began tae shine aboot nine, and Mactavish started aff on
the Devil, somebody scrapit aside me. It wesna Jeems; he daurna for
his life; and it wesna me. A'll no say but it micht be Elspeth, but
she wes sair provokit. Aifter haddin' her ain twenty years tae be
maistered by a Hielandman."
It was simply a duty of friendship to look in and express one's
sympathy with Mrs. Macfadyen in this professional disaster. I found
her quite willing to go over the circumstances, which were
unexampled in her experience, and may indeed be considered a
contribution to history.
"A' wudna hae minded," explained Elspeth, settling down to
narrative, "hoo mony heads he gied oot, no tho' he hed titched the
hundred. A've cause tae be gratefu' for a guid memory, and a've kept
it in fine fettle wi' sermons. My wy is tae place ilka head at the
end o' a shelf and a' the pints aifter it in order like the plates
there," and Mrs. Macfadyen pointed with honest pride to her wall of
crockery, "and when the minister is at an illustration or makin' an
appeal a' aye rin ower the rack tae see that a've a' the pints in
their places. Maister Mactavish cud ne'er hae got the wheephand o'
me wi' his diveesions; he's no fit to haud the can'le tae John
Peddie. Na, na, a' wesna feared o' that when a' examined yon man
gieing oot the Psalm, but a' didna like his een.
"'He's ravelled,' a' said tae masel, 'without beginning or end; we
'ill hae a nicht o't,' and sae we hed."
I preserved a sympathetic silence till Mrs. Macfadyen felt herself
able to proceed.
"It's easy eneuch, ye see, for an auld hand tae manage ae set o'
heads gin they come tae ten or a hundred, but it's another business
when a man hes different sets in ae sermon. Noo hoo mony sets div ye
think that man hed afore he wes dune?"
It was vain for a mere layman to cope with the possibilities of Mr.
Mactavish.
"Fower, as a'm a leevin' woman, and that's no a'; he didna feenish
wi' ae set an' begin wi' the next, but if he didna mix them a'
thegither. Fower set o' heads a' in a tangle; noo ye hae some kin'
o' idea o' what a' hed tae face." And Mrs. Macfadyen paused that I
might take in the situation.
When I expressed my conviction that even the most experienced hearer
was helpless in such circumstances, Elspeth rallied, and gave me to
understand that she had saved some fragments from the wreckage.
"A'll juist tell ye the hale hypothic, for sic a discoorse ye may
never hear a' the days o' yir life.
"Ye ken thae Hielandmen tak their texts for the maist pairt frae the
Auld Testament, and this was it mair or less, 'The trumpet shall be
blown, and they shall come from Assyria and the land o' Egypt,' and
he began by explainin' that there were twa classes in Drumtochty,
those who were born and bred in the parish, which were oursels, and
them 'at hed tae stay here owin' tae the mysterious dispensations o'
Providence, which wes Lachlan Campbell.
"Noo this roosed ma suspicions, for it's against reason for a man
tae be dividing intae classes till the end o' his sermon. Tak my
word, it's no chancy when a minister begins at the tail o' his
subject: he'll wind a queer pirn afore he's dune.
"Weel, he gaed up and he gaed doon, and he aye said, 'Oh yes, yes,'
juist like the thrashing mill at Drumsheugh scraiking and girling
till it's fairly aff, an' by-and-by oot he comes wi' his heads.
"'There are fower trumpets,' says he. 'First, a leeteral trumpet;
second, a heestorical trumpet; third, a metaphorical trumpet;
fourth, a speeritual trumpet.'
"'I've got ye,' a' said tae masel, and settled doon to hear him on
the first head, for fear he micht hae pints; but wull ye believe me,
he barely mentioned leeteral till he was aff tae speeritual, and
then back tae heestorical, an' in five meenuts he had the hale fower
trumpets blawing thegither.
"It wes maist exasperatin', and a' saw Jeems watchin' me--but that's
naethin'.
"'There be many trumpets,' says he, 'oh yes, an' it wes a good
trumpet Zaccheus heard,' and afore a' knew where a' wes he hed
startit again wi' fower new heads, as if he had never said trumpet.
"'A big tree' he cries, 'an' a little man, oh yes, an' this is what
we will be doin'.
"'First. We shall go up the tree wi' Zaccheus.
"'Second. We shall sit in the branches wi' Zaccheus.
"'Third. We shall come down from the tree wi' Zaccheus; and if time
permits,
"'Fourth. We shall be going home wi' the publican.'"
It seemed only just to pay a tribute at this point to the wonderful
presence of mind Mrs. Macfadyen had shown amid unparalleled
difficulties.
"Hoot awa," she responded; the meenut ony heads cam a' knew ma
grund: but the times atween I wes fairly lost.
"A'll no deny," and our critic turned aside to general reflections,
"that Mactavish said mony bonnie and affeckin' things frae time tae
time, like the glimpses o' the hills ye get when the mist rolls awa,
and he cam nearer the hert than the feck o' oor preachers; but
certes yon confusion is mair than us low country fouk cud stand.
"Juist when he wes speakin' aboot Zaccheus as nice as ye please--though
whether he was up the tree or doon the tree a' cudna for the life o' me
tell--he stops sudden and looks at us ower the top o' his spectacles,
which is terrible impressive, and near dis instead o' speakin.'
"We will now come to the third head of this discoorse.
"'The trumpet shall be blown, for,' says he, in a kin' o' whisper,
'there's a hint o' oppeesition here,' an' a' tell ye honestly a'
lost hert a'thegither, for here he wes back again amang the
trumpets, and a'll gie ma aith he never sae much as mentioned that
head afore.
"It's an awfu' peety that some men dinna ken when tae stop; they
micht see frae the poopit; if a' saw the tears comin' tae the
women's een, or the men glowering like wild cats for fear they sud
brak doon, a'd say Amen as quick as Pittendreigh aifter his goat.
"What possessed Maister Dugald, as Lachlan ca'd him, a'd dinna ken,
but aboot half nine--an' he begood at six--he sat oot upon the
trumpets again, an' when he cudna get a haud o' them, he says:
"'It will be getting dark' (the mune was fairly oot), 'an' it is
time we were considering our last head.
"'We will now study Satan in all his offices and characteristics.'"
"A' see they've been telling ye what happened," and confusion
covered Mrs. Macfadyen's ingenuous countenance.
"Weel, as sure's deith a' cudna help it, tae be sittin' on peens for
mair than twa oors tryin' tae get a grup o' a man's heads, an' him
tae play hide-and-seek wi' ye, an' then tae begin on Satan at nine
o'clock is mair nor flesh and bluid cud endure.
"A' acknowledge a' scrapit, but a' houp tae gudeness a'll never be
tempted like yon again.
"It's a judgment on me for ma pride, an' Jeems said that tae me, for
a' boastit a' cudna be beat, but anither oor o' Mactavish wud hae
driven me dottle (silly)."
Then I understood that Mrs. Macfadyen had been humbled in the dust.
A DOCTOR OF THE OLD SCHOOL
I
A GENERAL PRACTITIONER
Drumtochty was accustomed to break every law of health, except
wholesome food and fresh air, and yet had reduced the Psalmist's
farthest limit to an average life-rate. Our men made no difference
in their clothes for summer or winter, Drumsheugh and one or two of
the larger farmers condescending to a topcoat on Sabbath, as a
penalty of their position, and without regard to temperature. They
wore their blacks at a funeral, refusing to cover them with
anything, out of respect to the deceased, and standing longest in
the kirkyard when the north wind was blowing across a hundred miles
of snow. If the rain was pouring at the Junction, then Drumtochty
stood two minutes longer through sheer native dourness till each man
had a cascade from the tail of his coat, and hazarded the
suggestion, halfway to Kildrummie, that it had been "a bit scrowie,"
a "scrowie" being as far short of a "shoor" as a "shoor" fell below
"weet."
This sustained defiance of the elements provoked occasional
judgments in the shape of a "hoast" (cough), and the head of the
house was then exhorted by his women folk to "change his feet" if he
had happened to walk through a burn on his way home, and was
pestered generally with sanitary precautions. It is right to add
that the gudeman treated such advice with contempt, regarding it as
suitable for the effeminacy of towns, but not seriously intended for
Drumtochty. Sandy Stewart "napped" stones on the road in his shirt
sleeves, wet or fair, summer and winter, till he was persuaded to
retire from active duty at eighty-five, and he spent ten years more
in regetting his hastiness and criticising his successor. The
ordinary course of life, with fine air and contented minds, was to
do a full share of work till seventy, and then to look after "orra"
jobs well into the eighties, and to "slip awa" within sight of
ninety. Persons above ninety were understood to be acquitting
themselves with credit, and assumed airs of authority, brushing
aside the opinions of seventy as immature, and confirming their
conclusions with illustrations drawn from the end of last century.
When Hillocks' brother so far forgot himself as to "slip awa" at
sixty, that worthy man was scandalized, and offered laboured
explanations at the "beerial."
"It's an awfu' business ony wy ye look at it, an' a sair trial tae
us a'. A' never heard tell o' sic a thing in oor family afore, an'
it's no easy accoontin' for't.
"The gudewife was sayin' he wes never the same sin' a weet nicht he
lost himsel on the muir and slept below a bush; but that's neither
here nor there. A'm thinkin' he sappit his constitution thae twa
years he wes grieve aboot England. That wes thirty years syne, but
ye're never the same aifter thae foreign climates."
Drumtochty listened patiently to Hillocks' apologia, but was not
satisfied.
"It's clean havers aboot the muir. Losh keep's, we've a' sleepit oot
and never been a hair the waur.
"A' admit that England micht hae dune the job; it's no cannie
stravagin' yon wy frae place tae place, but Drums never complained
tae me as if he hed been nippit in the Sooth."
The parish had, in fact, lost confidence in Drums after his wayward
experiment with a potato-digging machine, which turned out a
lamentable failure, and his premature departure confirmed our vague
impression of his character.
"He's awa noo," Drumsheugh summed up, after opinion had time to
form; "an' there were waur fouk than Drums, but there's nae doot he
wes a wee flichty."
When illness had the audacity to attack a Drumtochty man, it was
described as a "whup," and was treated by the men with a fine
negligence. Hillocks was sitting in the Post Office one afternoon
when I looked in for my letters, and the right side of his face was
blazing red. His subject of discourse was the prospects of the
turnip "breer," but he casually explained that he was waiting for
medical advice.
"The gudewife is keepin' up a ding-dong frae mornin' till nicht
aboot ma face, and a'm fair deaved (deafened), so a'm watchin' for
MacLure tae get a bottle as he comes wast; yon's him noo."
The doctor made his diagnosis from horseback on sight, and stated
the result with that admirable clearness which endeared him to
Drumtochty.
"Confoond ye, Hillocks, what are ye ploiterin' aboot here for in the
weet wi' a face like a boiled beet? Div ye no ken that ye've a titch
o' the rose (erysipelas), and ocht tae be in the hoose? Gae hame wi'
ye afore a' leave the bit, and send a haflin for some medicine. Ye
donnerd idiot, are ye ettlin tae follow Drums afore yir time?" And
the medical attendant of Drumtochty continued his invective till
Hillocks started, and still pursued his retreating figure with
medical directions of a simple and practical character.
"A'm watchin', an' peety ye if ye pit aff time. Keep yir bed the
mornin', and dinna show yir face in the fields till a' see ye. A'll
gie ye a cry on Monday--sic an auld fule--but there's no ane o' them
tae mind anither in the hale pairish."
Hillocks' wife informed the kirkyaird that the doctor "gied the
gudeman an awfu' clearin'," and that Hillocks "wes keepin' the
hoose," which meant that the patient had tea breakfast, and at that
time was wandering about the farm buildings in an easy undress with
his head in a plaid.
It was impossible for a doctor to earn even the most modest
competence from a people of such scandalous health, and so MacLure
had annexed neighbouring parishes. His house--little more than a
cottage--stood on the roadside among the pines towards the head of
our Glen, and from this base of operations he dominated the wild
glen that broke the wall of the Grampians above Drumtochty--where
the snows drifts were twelve feet deep in winter, and the only way
of passage at times was the channel of the river--and the moorland
district westwards till he came to the Dunleith sphere of influence,
where there were four doctors and a hydropathic. Drumtochty in its
length, which was eight miles, and its breadth, which was four, lay
in his hand; besides a glen behind, unknown to the world, which in
the night time he visited at the risk of life, for the way thereto
was across the big moor with its peat holes and treacherous bogs.
And he held the land eastwards towards Muirtown so far as Geordie,
the Drumtochty post, travelled every day, and could carry word that
the doctor was wanted. He did his best for the need of every man,
woman, and child in this wild, straggling district, year in, year
out, in the snow and in the heat, in the dark and in the light,
without rest, and without holiday for forty years.