Convict—“I’m here for having five wives.”
Visitor—“How are you enjoying your liberty?”
_Questions and Answers_
=_Dear Captain Billy_=—Where can I find a man like Fatty
Arbuckle?—=_Marie De Wildmen._=
We have referred your inquiry to Pedro.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain Billy_=—What makes the wild cat wild?—=_Larry Cranker._=
Turpentine.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain Billy_=—What is a “soubrette?”—=_Ivegon Buggs._=
A singer that gets $50 a week and sends $100 home to mother.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain Bill_=—How long does the three-foot kiss in the movies
last?—=_Oscar Latory._=
Long enough to warp the hands on an asbestos alarm clock.
* * * * *
=_Dear Skipper_=—If you were a cowpuncher alone in a big city and without
a pony, saddle, or lariat, and desired to corral a calf, what would you
do?—=_Scare D. Catt._=
“Getting Gertie’s Garter” is one of the biggest hits of the season.
* * * * *
=_Captain Billy_=—Why is it that the motion picture producers must give
their picture such blatant title as “Once to Every Woman,” “Why Change
Your Wife?”, etc. Stage plays don’t have to have “alluring” names to be
successful.—=_Legit._=
Quite right, Legit. The “movies” ought to tone down their titles so as to
make them drab and commonplace and on a par with such stage successes,
as “Mary’s Ankle,” “Up in Mabel’s Room,” “Twin Beds,” and the recent
Broadway hit, “Getting Gertie’s Garter.” The last must have been some job.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain Billy_=—What is a golf hazard and what does ex-President
Taft playing golf remind you of?—=_Loon Attic._=
A golf hazard is getting stung by a bee in a rough. Don’t know what Taft
playing golf reminds of unless it’s a hippopotamus playing tiddlywinks.
* * * * *
=_Dear Billy_=—What is the best way to tell a gentleman?—=_Root T. Toot._=
The best way is to watch how he wears his evening clothes—or pajamas. The
first is preferable for single folk.
* * * * *
=_Dear Cap_=—What is meant by the stuff dreams are made of?—=_Near Beer._=
Paint, powder, padding and false hair.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain Fawcett_=—Can you give me a recipe for a dish known as
Strawberry Surprise?—=_Miss Conny Sewer._=
Pick the bones out of a quart of strawberries. Add two pounds of borrowed
sugar. Throw in a quart of oyster shells and three raisins. If it is good
that’s the surprise.
* * * * *
=_Dear Bill_=—What are the best furs for summer wear?—=_Parry Moore._=
Deerskin, bearskin and moleskin probably would suit your tastes. Moleskin
is very popular nowadays. No matter where the mole is the skin can be
worn to show it.
* * * * *
=_Dear Cap_=—Which animal is the better fighter—dog or badger?—=_B. D.
Chamber._=
It depends on how strong the badger is. In the usual badger fight, too,
much depends on the proficiency shown in the art of releasing the badger.
* * * * *
=_Dear Whiz Bang_=—What bird is known as the bird of peace?—=_Passy
Fist._=
The chicken.
* * * * *
=_Captain Breezy Bill_=—Kindly give me your Whiz Bang definition of the
phrase “Matrimonial Progress.”—=_Whipper Will._=
Adhering strictly to Queens-Gooseberry rules, I cheerfully submit the
following: “Maid One; Maid Won; Made One.”
* * * * *
=_Dear Billy_=—Where do women’s styles start?—=_Miss Wobb L. Walke._=
Styles start in Paris but we finish ’em here.
* * * * *
=_Dear Whiz Bang_=—Can you tell me if it is true that some animals use
their tails as signals?—=_Dr. Walloper._=
Yes, indeed—here in Robbinsdale and elsewhere. The South American puma
is said to agitate its tail-tip to entice grazing, curious creatures.
The white underneath part of several varieties of deer are said to be
used as a guide for other members of the herd. The horse uses his tail
as a sun shade for the driver. Probably there are other animals that use
their tails, but as we have never taken our post-graduate degree in tail
technology, this meager answer will have to suffice for the present.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain Billy_=—Would you please define “Platonic Love?”—=_Plute
O. Fizz._=
“Platonic Love” means that you can kiss her all you want and forget she
is a woman. But there ain’t no such animal.
* * * * *
=_Dear Captain Billy_=—Is it true that Fatty Arbuckle is to plead
“insanity”?—=_Aunty I. Over._=
We wouldn’t be surprised. Fatty has been acting rather funny for several
months.
_Movie Hot Stuff_
We wonder how Mary Miles Minter likes the idea of the battleship “New
Mexico” being sent up to Puget Sound Navy Yard to have her bottom
scraped. It is said the “New Mexico” carried away a handsome young
officer “in the middle of a reel.”
* * * * *
Dorothy Dalton has been seen dancing often of late at the Ambassador
Hotel in Los Angeles with her millionaire “angel,” Godsell, of the
Goldwyn Film Company.
* * * * *
Bebe Daniels and Jack Dempsey, the pugilist, as the press agents of the
film companies may have told you, have been seen chattering in the jungle
at the Ambassador Cocoanut Grove.
* * * * *
Wanda Hawley has been vacationing at Catalina. Her hair has lately been
bobbed and has lost its former brownishness, for it is now corn-tassel
white. Wanda occupied a table in the center of the huge dining room of
the St. Catherine Hotel and often dined with a tanned, slender, and
quiet young man. Star and escort looked decidedly bored.
* * * * *
Thompson Buchanan, Lasky scenario chieftain, is encouraging Helene
Chadwick in her film career.
* * * * *
Kathleen Clifford, clad in sports clothes and sandals, steps nights with
a handsome dark stranger.
* * * * *
Herbert Rawlinson, with a couple of minor actor friends in tow, spent
a month at Catalina. Roberta Arnold, Herbert’s wife, seemed to be
“somewhere on location” for she was not in those parts. The adoration of
some hundreds of grammar school girls seemed centered on handsome Herb
and his marvelous physique.
* * * * *
Marshall Neilan’s “all in a minute” scenario writer, Lucita Squire, is
still in the game.
* * * * *
We know nothing about the scenario business but it is reported from
the camps that Gouverneur Morris has discovered one of those “all in a
minute” scenario writers in Ruth Wightman, and that she is now adapting
his stories for the screen.
* * * * *
May McAvoy and Eddie Sutherland are stepping about together.
* * * * *
Clara Kimball Young is playing the navy.
* * * * *
The same day Charley Chaplin was being carried on the shoulders of his
admirers in London, that other world’s famous film comedian, “Fatty”
Arbuckle, was being shouldered along to jail by policemen for his
connection with the death of a motion picture actress in a San Francisco
hotel.
* * * * *
Jackie Saunders and Hubby Horkheimer haven’t been bathing at Long Beach
of late. Some of the Iowans who inhabit the “metropolis” become “Infant
terribles” when the name Horkheimer is mentioned.
Many of them are putting up their noses and saying, “I told you so!”
Now, due to the publicity which centers around the mixup of Mr. and
Mrs. Horkheimer, all because a few years ago the Horkheimer retinue of
directors and players, in pursuing film art at the Balboa Studios at
Long Beach, cavorted too fast and furious to suit the simple minded and
puritanical Iowans, and Iowa sniffed long and loud and shrugged shoulders
when the Horkheimer Company withdrew from that scene of piety.
Ho, hum!
* * * * *
Apropos of the recent reports of a Geraldine Farrar and Lou Tellegen
matrimonial “tangle,” Whiz Bang’s astute investigators have heard some
interesting gossip among the imported French actors of Hollywood’s colony.
They report a story, which went the rounds in Paris just before Mr.
Tellegen’s marriage to the great prima donna, to the effect that Lou was
much infatuated at one time with an actress of the French capital, but
that this “Love” was then on the struggling rung of the ladder of fame
and with her name yet to make.
Of late our Frenchie friends are saying this actress has attained
fame and fortune in Paris, which brings up the speculation as to the
possibilities of Lou’s wayward thoughts returning to the scene of early
days. Then again all this talk may be plain bull of the press agent
variety to advertise Tellegen’s new play “Don Juan,” which soon will open
in New York.
After the failure of Lou’s play, “Blind Youth,” on the stage to startle
the public, he announced his intentions of devoting talents to the
cinema art. Subsequently he played and directed at the Lasky and Goldwyn
lots, but the Pickfords and Chaplins continued to hold a monopoly on the
“silent applause.” Now Lou is returning to his former art before the
footlights, and we wish him much luck. Lou is a good actor as everybody
knows, but we can’t all be on top, as our friend Owen Moore might remark.
Everyone who has had any close association with the premier song bird,
Geraldine, loves her. When she lived in Hollywood her sweet strains were
heard as early as five and six o’clock in the morning. Often she was up
at daybreak to practice for a concert tour. Frequently she arrived at
the studio before eight o’clock and played all day and in the evening
entertained friends with opera selections. In spite of the very busy life
she led, Mrs. Tellegen (Geraldine Farrar) always was good natured and
radiant with enthusiasm, and she has been placed among America’s most
remarkable women. Geraldine has never been known to “high-tone” studio
menials, and it is said that Geraldine is of a forgiving nature for any
flirting by Lou when they are apart, but that she insisted on Tellegen
keeping to the home fireside when they were lucky enough to be in the
same city. There is much speculation as to the final outcome of the
Tellegen and Farrar ventures.
* * * * *