bri' Springtime. Wel-come to our country village. You--you behold in me
the only living survivor of the wreck of the Hesperus. Parade ri' up,
and give the waiter your hat, coat and vest and bevy in. Though I have
just given nineteen dollars' worth of hair puffs away as
sou-sou-ven--you say it, I feel like a new born child. Once again I am
care fre' and heart fre'. Tra la la la le. I have just decorated Wilbur
with the sacred order of the bee and I--hurray! hurray!--am no longer a
near-bride. Take it fr'm muh I feel so happy I don' care if I get spots
all over the fron' of my waist. I feel like a lark. Yes shur, a
bottled-in-bond lark. Whatever that ish. An' I still got the engagemen'
ring at that.
"Waiter! Waiter! Garsong! Thish gentleman has a few words to shay to
you, an' don' take no for an answer. Oh, yes, you arch your eyebrows in
sus-sus-picioning and shay that I have been two-stepping around the
juniper bowl and I will answer, 'Right O!' Just like that.
"I make it a rule to cel'brate all suspicious occasions by revelry and
goo' cheer. Oh, won' I have a head in the morning! But now.
"Behold I appear as Columbine! I toil not neither do I spin. Listen, my
dear. The last two days have been fraught--whatever that is--with
incidences that would bring gray hairs to the head of much stronger
women than I.
"It came off last night. I was out to supper with a couple of
gentlemen--Wilbur and an-another gent. We were so busy talking things
over that I didn't get to the theater until the middle of the first act.
My, I never saw a man so peevish as that stage manager. I had no more
than exchanged the courtesies of the day with the stage doorkeeper and
asked after his sick child than that mut-faced sneeze that calls himself
a stage manager had the nerve to rush up an fine me five dollars. Wha'da
you think of that?
"I told him that I positively refused to appear the rest of the evening.
Then he told me that I was fired? What do you know about that? I said,
calm and dignified, like the perfec' lady I am, 'All ri', you can do as
you please with your old show, I don't care, I don't care, nothing
bothers me,' and with those kind words I caper up to the dressing room
and take that expensive gown I wear in the third act and stuck it in the
wash bowl and turned on the water. It needed cleaning anyway. Then I put
a few things that oughta belong to me in my makeup box and beat it.
"I had to kiss everybody in the company goo' bye and that made the stage
wait and the manager came chasing around without any goat and tol' me
never to darken his door again. That's all ri' with muh. His blooming
door was dark enough anyway. Then I waltz back to where Wilbur and the
gentleman are and break the news. Wilbur gets sore, for since I
commenced wearing those pink tights he doped out a great dramatic career
for me. And naturally he was vexed. For he saw no show of being able to
lay off work.
"Wilbur started to chide me. I was in too gra' a nervousness state to be
chid' an' I tol' him sho. Did he have compassion and pity on muh in my
vis-vis-situdes? No! Abso-o-o-lutely no! I says all ri' old top, if you
look at it that way I guess I can bear up through the heat of the day
without your assistance, an' if it's just the same to you I will toddle
ri' along and peddle my matches.
"Wilbur pricks up his ears at those few words and tries to copper his
remarks, but not for a minute could I see through the fog.
"I just gather up my skirt and sweep majestically out of the room, jump
into taxicab and proceed to hunt pleasure and relaxation. What do you
know about that?
"Ah! here is the little waiter with his shining morning face. Get me
another one of the same and keep your eagle eye on these gentlemen's
mugs and see that they do not get dry. Say, take it from me, if I felt
any better I'd break out in a rash. I abso-o-o-o-lutely have no regard
for the future. I don' care whether school keeps or not, and Curfew can
ring her young head off for all I care. I am going to make old Omar feel
like a temperance lecturer before I get through this celebration. I am
willing to drink everything but 'Merry Widow' cocktails, for they make
you want to steal your own clothes.
"I was expecting to enjoy a box at Ted Marks' big pow-wow at the New
York this afternoon, but I fear me at about that time the only thing I
will be in condition to attend will be the usual hang-over party in the
Metropole.
"Mr. Marks is sure the one clever party. He's going to organize a club
called 'The Human Nightkeys.' Any one that goes to bed before daylight
is barred. Lee Harrison offered his services as sergeant-of-arms to see
that the rule is observed.
"Now that Summer is coming on this sleep question is getting shoved off
in a dark corner by itself. It always was a waste of time.
"I don't care a whoop for the best man that breathes and now that I have
slipped Wilbur the go'-by I shall never fall in love with one of his sex
again. Tell muh, do I look all ri'. I haven't detailed the rest of this
adventure, have I? Well, I left Wilbur and met a nice quiet party that
was singing 'We're Afraid to Go Home in the Dark' over in Jack's and I
at once began to mingle. They were all good fellows, so I nearly gave
them heart trouble by ordering wine for the crowd.
"I will not endeavor to chronicle the amount of lush I tucked away. I
will only state that if I had not been a good friend to the bell hops I
never would have gotten upstairs.
"Estelle, that's muh maid, was sitting up with her face to the pane
waiting for me to come home, and just to show her how grateful I was I
gave her all of Wilbur's pictures and all the change I had in my
stocking. Waiter, you are forgetting your duties in part.
"I finally got to bed and then I pulled off the big cry. Booze, you
understand, and not because I lost that hot-air shooting, lush-working,
expense-account-grubbing wah of a Wilbur. I should say not. Don't think
that I wear pink tights and can't get the best man that ever breathed.
"I am not a bit like that Glonesganes creature. Why, she actually throws
herself at the head of every man she meets. Honest, you can't take her
out to supper in a crowd before she's engaged to some two or three in
the party. Fact. Ask any of the girls. We all swore to tell the same
story about her.
"Am I going back on the stage. Well, I should hope so, dear. What do you
think I would do with myself if I didn't have to beat it to the shop at
least once a day. I tried it once when I first got my fortune, but life
became so monotonous and I got so fat that I had to start rehearsing in
order to get back to my former self.
"Say, I think the last dipperful made me feel better. Waiter, come out
of your trance. Gee, but I do feel great.
"Won't you all have a little something to eat. A steak smothered in
pickles or something like that. Go as far as you like. You know I ain't
that kind of a girl. When I'm treating there's no entries scratched. Go
ahead do as you please. I ain't going to get married, so I don't have to
save my money.
"You just watch Wilbur hedge. I got spies out and they say he's been in
every cafe in town looking for me. Wants to make up. Watch little birdie
here. If he comes monkeying around me again I'll pick up one of these
and knock him clean out from under his hat. Trifler. How I ever fell for
him certainly gets me. How anybody could love a press agent or an actor
gets me for that matter. I have been crossed in love and am running no
more chances.
"I shall never get married. Never! That statement is for publication. I
shall live in peace and quiet near some good cafe and drown my old age
in mixed drinks.
"You needn't think I am soused, but I am going to tell you this. Unless
Wilbur and I make up the Friar Festival will have to get along without
my services. Why, I got every John in town so bunked that every time
they see me coming they take it on the run for some place that I can't
get to 'em, 'cause I lance 'em for a pair of seats every time our trails
cross.
"I lost eight dinner engagements last week just on that account and what
do I get for it? Ice water. That's all.
"Wilbur rushes up and demands more seats and the committee thinks he is
having an awful rush of business and its muh with my shoulder to the
wheel. I had a run in with Wilbur already about the Friar Girl that
Harrison Fisher drew on the front of the programme. Wilbur told me that
I could have the job and I finds out that he told everybody in the
company the same thing. Press agents is crafty people. And he can play
both ends against the middle in a manner that would make your hair curl.
"I don't care! I don't care! Wilbur can run and make faces at himself.
Nothing bothers muh. Waiter, are you asleep at the switch? I am no
longer a fiancee. I am a free woman.
"Say, what'yer going to do 'morrow? Let's get one of these taxicab
things and see if we can't run it to death.
"I never found the limit yet on one of those gasmeter attachments, an' I
am the inquisitive soul. Line out to Claremont or some of those foolish
places. Sure, we'll start early, about noon, and enjoy the beautiful
Spring-air and highballs. Are you on? Sure I'll be there with my hair in
a braid. I am the Rural Kid these days and a stunt like that suits me
from the ground up.
"Who is that coming in the door? Why, its Wilbur! He sees me! Do I look
all ri'? Here, Wilbur, here. Sit down and have a drink, dear, I have
been looking for you everywhere. Forget that deal last night. So long
fellows. Waiter give me the check; I don't care what becomes of my money
now."
Sabrina gives an automobile party to several of her friends so
that they may enjoy the country air, but after investigating the
atmosphere carefully the opinion of the entire party is that the
only healthful ozone is that that comes out of a champagne
bottle.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
"Where you all going?" demanded a voice, and looking around we
discovered Sabrina, the Show Girl, and two of her girl friends seated in
a big red automobile that was drawn up to the curb. "Come on, jump in,"
she continued. "We are out to commune with nature for a few minutes and
you might just as well be a commuter as the rest of us. Ain't this the
one grand weather?
"No, you sit back here. We will make Wilbur sit up in front so that we
can see he don't grub the eats. He's inside lancing the management for a
group of free lunch and a package of liquid refreshments. Here he comes
now. Bless his young heart he's got his arms full. Ain't it grand to be
loved by such a man?
"No, Wilbur, you get up in the hurricane deck and we all will sit in the
caboose. Have we got everything? Alla, did you forget the hot-water bag
full of cracked ice for the champagne? Now, let's see where shall we go
first to get the most nature? We can stop at the Cadillac, the Circle,
the Casino in the Park and then make a quick jump to Claremont.
"In that way we can get some of the delightful Spring air and not be far
from a head waiter at any time. Thats right, Sadie, you big gump, put
your feet on the crackers. Those were bought to eat and not to be used
as a door mat. Still, if you must wipe your feet we can print 'Welcome'
on one of the crackers and you can clean your Dorothy Dodds till you are
black in the face.
"Is everything ready? Do I look all right? Wilbur, give the motorman two
bells. Look out, there! There goes Er Lawshe with a plaster cast of
Genee under his arm. Do you want to make him drop it and break his
heart?
"Sadie, it is not necessary to give the furtive glance to every
gentleman who admires the machine. Go ahead and see if you can't scrape
the paint off the cop. Alla, my dear, you know it isn't necessary to
start eating now, you'll get yours, and besides several of the places we
will stop at have free lunches, so you can have all that you are
accustomed to without making inroads on the provision supply at this
stage of the game.
"What 'a we got in the larder? Fifteen bottles and 10 cents' worth of
crackers. My! it seems to me you are squandering an awful lot of money
on food. Of course, if we get shipwrecked or something they may come in
handy, but at present writing they are excess baggage.
"Whoa, chauffeur! Don't you see that bock beer sign? Whenever you see
one of those turn the corner and stop at the family entrance. Hitch the
machine and we will all soon see what mine host has in the way of
nourishment. Sadie, it is not necessary to show such unseeming haste, as
it is now but early noon and the place does not close until after
midnight.
"This is a low-browed dump, but any port in a storm, as the poets say.
As I am directing this Cook's tour we will have but one drink here.
"Wilbur, how do you know that the bar-keeps name is George? Have you
been false to me and been here with another? Bartenders are called
George just like Chinamen are called John? What are you trying to bale
out to me? Do you think I am a boob?
"Now, Alla, go to it and quench your thirst, for it may be several
blocks before we stop again. My, ain't this warm weather glorious! It
makes one so thirsty. Come, people, let's get back in the herdic, for we
have a long journey ahead of us.
"There you go again, Sadie. Stepping all over the crackers. Before we
get through we will have to take them in capsules. Look out for that
car! Gee, those cars are bad enough without being mashed up more by some
sneeze wagon. Certainly we'll go through the Fifth avenue entrance to
the park. I may be some things, but I am no piker, and, besides, we got
as much license as anybody. I remember when I used to go horseback
riding through here every morning and I always had my groom in a
beautiful red livery following me. I had the most beautiful black horse
and an elegant riding habit. Why, there wasn't a day but what I was
invited out to lunch. Sadie, that was very uncalled for. I am in no
trance. You, of course, not being accustomed to those things, naturally
look upon those people who were brought up on such stuff as balloon
juice merchants. Maybe that will make you stand hitched.
"Look at that hearse go by us. Driver, if you are any good you will make
that outfit look as if they were bound to the bannister.
"That's right, give them a touch of high life. Zow-e, if we are going
less than a mile a minute I hope I have to walk home. Cheese, there's a
bike cop. Can you loose him? Beat it. Good-by, Bobby. Look out, there's
another one in front. Slow up, for goodness sake, or we will be pinched.
What is it, sergeant? Oh, no, sir. Not more than six miles an hour, I am
sure.
"This machine has got a dudedad on it that prevents it from going more
than ten. Won't you have a little drink, officer? Just smile on the gent
in the front seat; he's right there with the distillery. Wilbur, chase
the roof off a jug of suds for the Lieutenant. I tell you, Captain, on
my honor as a lady, we are not going more that six miles an hour. Must
take us to the station! Why, you low-down, monkey-faced excuse for a
sparrow cop, would you have the crust to stand up in front of a judge
and tell him that we were going faster than ten miles an hour? If you
want to get us to the station it's a cinch you will have to push the
machine. Walk! Not so you could notice it. The only way you can get me
there is to drag me by the hair of my head, and if you dare lay your
mitts on my new marcel wave I will report you to your Commissioner, and
if a certain friend of mine don't stand strong enough with him to have
you broke, I'll eat my ostrich plume!
"Will let us go if we promise not to do it again? Why, certainly we
won't, Sergeant. Thank you, Lieutenant. Here's a little something for
the Relief Fund. Good-by, Captain. Wilbur give the driver two bells. The
nerve of that guy thinking he could pinch me. I'll have you know that I
am only nicked by the best cops on Broadway, and not by any high-grass
constable. Hand 'em salve, pardy, hand 'em salve. A soft answer turneth
away wrath. If that don't turn the trick use a brick.
"Oh, gee, there it is. Go around and come up the other side so we can be
seen from all the tables.
"Let's take this table. Waiter, get on the job, as these gentlemen and
ladies wish to address a few remarks to you. Oh, there's Grace
McSweeney. Pipe the hat she is sporting. Bum taste, it strikes me. Who
is that slob with her? Oh, hello, dear! I was just speaking of your new
hat to Sadie. We both admired it so.
"We were wondering how you could wear it coming up on the Subway. I've
found that the wind blows them all to pieces in my car. Who's the wop?
From Pittsburg? Oh, is that so? He reminds me so much of a very dear
friend of mine that was sent up for life. No, I suppose it's not the
same party, though they are as alike as two peas. No, I don't care to
meet him. You know one in my position cannot afford to associate with
every Tom, Dick and Harry. Must you toddle? Good-by, dear.
"Cat! Did you get wise to the way I slipped her the sassy roast? Well,
here's down the Irish channel. Varlet, fill up the flagons again. I just
love to sit here and look out at Nature and the railroad tracks and the
brick scows.
"Where do we go from here? You made me think I was back in the business.
Oh, I don't care. Yonkers, over in Westchester County, or we can take
the ferry for Jersey if you want to go out in the wilderness. It makes
not an iota of difference to muh. Just as long as the chauffeur stays
sober. Shall we hike? Lets slip up the drive for a ways. Sadie, are you
ever going to have sense enough to keep your hoofs off those crackers?
Honest, I don't believe your think tank is feeding properly. Why don't
you blow in it and clear it out?
"Sure, I'll caper out to Yonkers if the rest of the crowd want to. I am
just that kind of a fellow. Ain't I, Wilbur, dear? Oh, my, don't for
mercy sakes disturb him. He's hunting locations for the Friar
three-sheets that Mr. Gillen slipped 'em. He's got Mr. McManus' art
studies planted now so that the burg looks like a Kansas town the day
after the number two car of the circus leaves.
"Did you know that they are enlarging the secret tunnel in the new
Friary so that Toxen Worm can get his getaway if the occasion should
arise? Honest, it looks like the front view of the Hoboken tunnel. Oh,
law me, what is that in the offening? Eureka! It's another cafe, or do
muh eyes deceive me? I am athirst, let us rest our weary beast and
partake of a flagon of nut brown ale. Say, I guess I would be bad in
this Shakespeare thing. Alight, fair maids, and nominate your idea
provokers.
"Waiter, follow those people's directions and do not let the mice build
nests under your feet. Sink this and we will then continue our journey.
"Now, Sadie, as a friend I ask you don't do a ballet on them crackers.
Run over the mutt. What care we for life. Gee, the canine is right there
as the artful dodger. Ah! what? Bing! What was that? A puncture! My! For
goodness sake, how long will we be bogged down. Oh, we can wait that
long, can't we, dears? Pipe the yokel. Shall I hand him a game of
chatter? No? Oh, very well.
"Let's have a picnic. Wilbur, get on the job and skid out the liquids.
Alla, you may bring out what is left of the crackers. If that woman
hasn't paraded over them biscuits until there isn't a piece there big
enough to make a nice comfortable mouthful for a young flea.
"Throw 'em away, we don't want to overload our stomachs anyhow. Can you
surpass that for a man. Here we've come all these weary miles carefully
nursing these bottles to our bosoms and then that excuse there has the
crust to speak up and say, 'I forgot the corkscrew.' Can you beat it?
Wilbur, you just get on the job and pull them out with your teeth. Get
away, you big standup and fall down, I'll show you how to get them out.
What do you think us fair sex wear hat pins for, hey, shover? Want some
of this jig juice for your tire? Right-o! Ain't I the English scamp? Got
her fixed all right? Climb in, folks, and we will journey homeward, for
I am beginning to feel thirsty and you certainly don't get the same
treatment here that you do in town. Sadie, now that the crackers are
gone I wish you would please remember that that is my foot. Say, you can
never learn some of these dolls nothing. Nothing personal, my dear,
though your hair is light.
"Don't you dish me out any hectic language, for I am a lady. I might
forget myself and smear one all over you. Wilbur, are you going to sit
up there and see your near-bride insulted by a woman? If you don't come
back here and make her stop abusing me I'll take and bump your two
hearts together. Now that goes if you hear it and I am speaking in no
whisper.
"Can that fight talk even if this is a pleasure party. My, how time does
fly! We are nearly home now. Let's all go down the street and see what's
doing. Must you leave us? Don't rush away in the heat of the forenoon.
So long. My, I am glad that man's out of the machine!"
Sabrina, in spite of the anti-betting law, goes to the race
track and returns with money. She also drops a few remarks
concerning gentlemen who claim their scarf-pins have been
purloined by ladies.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
"Them Senators that put the kibosh on that racetrack bill can consider
themselves as personal friends of every chorus Fluff that ever scanned a
dope sheet," remarked Sabrina, the Show Girl, as she alighted from a new
big automobile. "Pipe the ferry-boat. It's all mine; name on every
piece. And I am personally thankful to those gents that I am the proud
possessor of the same.
"Did I catch? Well, I should hope so, dear. I landed this buzz wagon out
of a ten dollar pike bet. Can you surpass it? Talk about playing in
luck. Wait until I touch wood. Wilbur says betting on the races beats
trifling with the affections of an expense account all to pieces.
"You know that, though I lead a simple and uneventful existence, the
inheritance that was left me was pretty near all in, and it was either
up to me to get married, get a job on one of the roofs or catch a live
one, and I thought the best of all the evils was to catch the
aforementioned live one. I am not one of these Janes that goes dotty
over the pit-i-pats, and though I always sit up until The Morning
Telegraph comes out on the street, the racing news is not the first
thing I turn to.
"Wilbur's show closes in a couple of weeks and he is going to the island
for the summer. Can that old stuff. I mean Coney, not Blackwell's. I
been piking around for a hunch for some time, and just the other evening
I was out with a party who is interested in the bet placing business at
all of the big tracks, and he said he was hep to a few killings, and any
time I would come out he would give them to me and I could play the
other books.
"Knowing that he had influence, I naturally took an interest in him,
but, say, this is a long, sad story and--. Ah, certainly! I knew you
could not suppress your Southern hospitality much longer--that is, I
hoped you couldn't. Yes, waiter; bring me a long one.
"Well, I took a peep at my check-book about a week ago and decided that
it was me for the track. I meets this wop and he certainly lands me in
right. He gives me a twenty case note and the card. I got the twenty
changed and plants ten of it in the Lisle Thread Bank, making up my mind
that no matter what happened the day would not be ill-spent.
"I plays his tip at 8 to 1 on the first race and ketches. Out of that
ninety I plant forty. Still following the kind gentleman's advice I
pikes the fifty on a dog in the second race and he never does come in.
"Can you beat that? This betting person picks the whole card but this
one race. I lose my fifty and was thinking seriously of going home when
I got a yen to try it again, so I dug up a twenty out of the hose.
Honest, it nearly broke my heart to separate myself from that roll, but
I just had to do it. I get twenty to one, go into hysterics at the
quarter, faint at the half, but come to in time to see my money coming
in so far ahead it looked as if he was out for a pleasure trip. Can you
see me with that 400 in my mit? Talk about throwing fits. Why, I had the
Leamy Ladies looking like children romping on the nursery floor.
"There was nothing to it. I had a hunch to grab the bundle and beat it
for home and crawl under the bed. And then I had another hunch that told
me to stick for the big show. I plant one century in my war bag and get
seven to two on the next with the other three. I win.
"Then I do want to go home. I felt ill.
"But just then a gentleman introduced himself to me and we went and had
a little drink. That made me feel better, and so I ditched the purveyor
of refreshments and fled to the clubhouse. There is nothing more to tell
except that I couldn't lose and I came home in an automobile with my
clothes so full of this evergreen stuff that I looked as if I had
spavins or something else.
"I made $6,000 on the day, which is not so bad for a poor fluff like me.
That night the gentleman who gave me the tips called me up and wanted
his original twenty back, saying the public got all his roll. Can you
beat that? I told him I thought he was a moonstone sport, and to never
darken my door again.
"He needed money bad, and through a friend I let him have a couple of
thou on this machine. Ain't I the business woman?