charming company, make any remarks that might be misconstrued by any of
the assembled gathering as a declaration of love. For them dolls are
always on the job and the only time they don't catch a live one is when
their hands are tied. Jealous? What! Me? Not so you can notice it, but I
ain't going to have anybody have anything on me, and while I caused no
scenes, I left the impression that I had Wilbur trained so that he would
roll over and play dead at the word of command. While these 'keep off
the grass' signs don't do much good, still they run a horrible bluff.
Did Wilbur get wise to this move on my part? Not on your life! If he
found out that I was, figuratively speaking, riding herd on him, he
would get chesty and all swelled up until it would be my painful duty to
lance him. I don't know yet whether Wilbur is a rhinestone Billie or a
Whisky amber Billie with a dash of bitters Billie, but I am On the Job
Betty, all right, all right.
"Well, to get back to the beefsteak. After all the guests had assembled,
which was maybe some 2 a.m., they started in. It was merely the ordinary
stunt of beer and beefsteak and beefsteak and beer, but the hours were
enlivened by the vaudeville performances of the guests. This was before
the precinct sergeant knocked on the door. One old frump that must have
been tramming a mace in the Roman Hanging Gardens got a yen that was
doing imitations she had Elsie Janis and Gertrude Hoffman looking like a
couple of false starts. Another took the hooks out of her marsel wave
and did that time-worn stunt of 'Laska.' Then one of the chorus men gave
an imitation of George Cohan, as usual. But that don't explain the
scratches; does it?
"To go back sometime, there was a certain skirt that I used to room with
in Chicago when we were both broke, but one night she went out with a
bunch of siss-boom-ah! boys and came home with a large and juicy snoot
full and spent the early morning hours in leaning out of the window of
the apartment and whistling through her fingers to the milkmen, as well
as staging a disrobing number in the middle of the room with the
curtains up to such an extent that the inhabitants of the outlying
districts had to wait sometime for their morning milk.
"This, naturally grated on my refined sensibilities, so the next morning
while she was yet beating the hay, I packed my little suitcase and took
it on the run away from there, leaving her, you might say, on the pan. I
went into the pony ballet of a La Salle Theatre show--can you see me as
a pony?--and I heard that she was advancing Art with a stock burlesque
in South Chicago. That evening she was among those present at the
aforementioned social function. And while we kissed and embraced each
other with the affection of long lost sisters, still I could detect
above the odor of cocktails an underlying current of soreness. So we
clinched, but I took particular pains to see that we went clean in the
breakaway.
"A young gentleman from Pittsburg was one of the guests and this
creature naturally put herself forward to make him have a real nice time
and, while I am true to Wilbur, still I think it my duty to be kind to
every one. This Chicago party got the hunch that I was trying to beat
her to this Pittsburg wop and she managed to get him in a corner and I
could see out of the corner of my eye that she was making a strenuous
effort to reveal some of my past, and, while I have never done anything
that would cast a breath of suspicion on my spotless character, still I
knew that this party would not hesitate for a minute to do some
romancing, so I naturally edged over toward that particular corner as if
I was not noticing myself do it, and overheard her inform the gent, that
while I had the outward appearance of an innocent young babe, I was a
viper at heart, and had beat it out of Chicago with some ten or twelve
thousand dollars' worth of her personal jewelry.
"Shucks! All the jewelry she ever had was a diamond stickpin she bit out
of a gentleman's scarf when they were going home in a cab, and all she
had left of that was the pawn ticket.
"Naturally hearing the libelous remarks, I was compelled to defend
myself, so I quietly interrupted her conversation by remarking lightly
over her shoulder, 'Ah! I see, Laura, that you are still a member of the
Arm and Hammer band, and I wish to mention in passing that the only ten
or twelve thousand dollars' worth of jewelry you ever had you returned
to the property man every night after the ballroom scene.'
"As for me eloping with your belongings all you ever had was a dirty
handkerchief kimona, a Fluffy Ruffles skirt and a near-seal jacket, and
you had to throw a chill when you entered a cafe so as not to have to
take that off. If you had you would have been disgraced for life."
After those kind remarks Laura's goat naturally make a quick exit. She
jumped to her feet, and with one of those 'Parted on Her Bridal Tour'
expressions, said: 'It's you, is it, Sabrina; you were always noted as
the Butting-in Kid. But now if you have got all of that humorous
monologue of yours out of your system you can toddle right along and
sell your matches, as this kind gentleman and I are discussing a few
words in private and do not wish them to get all over town.'
"'Can that chatter,' said I, 'and don't forget the happy days you spent
at Sid Euson's.' Right there is where I got that scratch. But I being
pretty nifty with my fins gave her a cuff on the chops that she won't
have to put down in her diary to remember. I was just fishing for an
opening to land when Wilbur stayed my upraised arm, and I could only
give her a kick on the limb with my French heel. Naturally the noise and
the words attracted some attention even from that bunch; that is, it
could be heard above the usual hum of conversation. The dame, knowing
that I was in the right, tried to tuck the Pittsburg party under her arm
and duck the dump, but Pittsburg being a game guy, stuck for the big
show, and Laura loped for the 'L' alone.
"Wilbur was naturally surprised and grieved at my actions, and for a
moment allowed the green-eyed monster to take up standing room in his
heart, thinking that I had succumbed to the wealth of the coal dealer,
but my ready outburst of maidenly tears quickly set me to rights. That
was the only thing that marred the evening, except one of the girls
spoke kindly to a chorus man, and he, poor fellow, threw a fainting fit
and we had to force the only jig juice in the crowd between his clinched
teeth before he could be revived.
"Yes, I am still on the stage, but I have got the stage manager trained
so that I only have to slip him a five spot any night I fail to appear.
No, there isn't much doing except that some of the girls are rehearsing
for the soul kiss contest, but I personally do not have to advertise.
"What! Going? Say, on your way down tell the barhop to mix me up a life
preserver in a rose glass."
Sabrina touches on the advantages of having a hotel for chorus
girls and makes several comments on the dramatic possibilities
of "The Mangled Doughnut," with which she is rehearsing.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
"Say," remarked Sabrina, as we met her in front of her favorite cafe,
"say, loosen up, cough, give down, come to, kick in. You've got to
donate for a couple of tickets to the annual benefit of the Unemployed
or Otherwise Disabled Chorus Girls' Home, and the quicker you come
across the quicker your suffering will be over. Sure we are going to
have a benefit that will make even the Friar Festival get up and hump
itself. And you know that's going to be some show. The Chorus Girls'
Mutual Knocking Society is going to build a home so that the poor doll
who comes in from the high grass in her normal condition, broke, can
have some place to go and rest and refresh herself without having to
hock a couple of wedding rings before she can have her hotel trunk sent
up.
"There's going to be fifty sleeping rooms and ninety-six maids, so that
if the poor skirt wakes up in the morning feeling far from a well woman
all she has to do is to tickle the zing-zing and the maid is right there
on the job. There is to be nineteen sound-proof parlors with two pianos
in each parlor.
"While there will be a chaperon, of course, she will permit the young
ladies to entertain their friends in a quiet and ladylike manner until
the porter starts cleaning up the bar in the morning. The inmates will
of course be allowed to sign checks, but from visitors only cash will be
accepted.
"Can you see a mob of those merry dames around that drum? Talk about
your something doing every minute! Say, it will look like open time
around that shack. Burlesquers are canceled. They can't come into the
home. Well, they never have much of a home anyway, so they don't miss
much.
"Burlesque is sure one strenuous existence. Mother made me quit. That
and the doctor telling me that I would ruin myself standing around a
draughty stage in tights. And besides those burlesque stage hands
certainly are cruel. Why, you have to put the money right in their hand
before they will beat it across the alley for a can of suds. If that
ain't cruelty I don't know what is. Do they think us girls would enjoy
our refreshment if we have to pay for it ourselves. Why, it hasn't got
the same flavor. Do you think a girl lacks class when she puts salt in
her beer?
"That home will be a great thing. Imagine going home every night without
wondering if your room is locked and the landlady sitting on your trunks
at the top landing. You can just flounce into your nest any old time and
know that everything is right there, unless one crafty girl has bribed
the chambermaid for the key. You can never tell about those people. Why,
I know one girl who kept stealing hairs out of the different wigs in the
dressing-rooms until she had enough to make a Dutch braid, and then she
put on such a front and chest that she wouldn't speak to any of the
other girls should she happen to meet them socially. I have always
wanted a home, not that I haven't been offered several, but I mean a
permanent one. But to continue about the benefit.
"Wilbur is going to manage it, and he expects to shake down enough to
start us housekeeping, but, of course, that is strictly under your hat,
and I pray you do not mention it. I think we can get Mr. Erlanger to let
us use the New York Theatre if we promise not to damage the fixtures. He
lets every other benefit have it and he certainly wouldn't object to a
few poor chorus girls pulling off a shindy, seeing as how they did so
much for his success.
"Suppose none of us had gone on in the chorus of 'Ben-Hur'? Just think
what would have happened. Didn't know there was a chorus in 'Ben-Hur'?
Say, what are you trying to do, kid me, or just show me a good time?
"I was around yesterday trying to get some of the oldtime merry-merry
who are now some of our leading actresses to appear at the benefit, but
they all threw a fit at the mere mention of the fact that they had once
carried a spear. For my part I see nothing degrading in the work, even
if we are held up to the gibes and chaff of some of these newspaper
near-humorists.
"It certainly is an honorable calling, and if you look good from the
front you can always have your pick of the menu. So that any dame that
can hand out the frightened fawn glance need never starve.
"Ain't it funny the way these Johns stick their noses to the ground and
start on the trail of 'the soldiers, villagers, etc.'? They'll pass up
anything just to be able to stick their arm through the stage door and
hand the doorkeeper a bunch of violets.
"They will leave Flossie, the belle of the village, waiting at the gate
any time a burlesque three-sheet shows up on the side of the blacksmith
shop. And right down front, with their feet on the base drum, handing
out the coy glances before the first curtain is a foot from the stage.
"Yep, I'm still rehearsing with 'The Mangled Doughnut,' and the author
of the book told me yesterday, in the strictest confidence, that it will
be the best first-night performance Hartford ever saw.
"He says he expects to stay up all that night rewriting the book, but he
is willing to sacrifice a few hours' sleep in the interest of Art. And
for the musical numbers, as we are rehearsing forty-two songs, some of
them ought to go. The only thing wrong with the show as far as I can see
is that the prima donna acts like she was in a trance. It is my personal
opinion--of course I wouldn't have you breathe this to a living soul for
worlds--but it is my personal opinion that she sniffs the white. She
either does that or jabs, though it don't show on her arm. The leading
comedian is a sad affair.
"He would make a good understudy for a morgue, and that's about all.
Why, I offered him suggestions for some new business in his cafe scene
and he went up-stage on the run and informed me that when he desired
instructions from the chorus concerning the way to handle his part he
would address me in writing. I said to him: 'Far be it from me to get
gay, old top, but I would respectfully suggest that you get busy with
the pen and ink.' Then he was going to have me fired. Such a chance.
"He had better find out what I know about the past history of the person
who hired me before he hands out any lurid language about my dismissal.
I know right where I stand, and though I am one of the shop girls in the
first act, instead of having my regular place as an American heiress, I
know right where I stand every shake out of the box.
"Viola St. Clare is sure having the one strenuous time with her new
husband. The poor dear is nearly balmy in the crumpet from worry. You
see, they have been married but four long weeks, and the last three
nights he has been coming home sober, and she believes he is deceiving
her, so she is trying to get enough money from him so that she can hire
a private detective to have him shadowed.
"They tell me that Sam Harris has to punch a time clock. I know one
thing, and that is when I am married Wilbur will not be one of the
leading lights of the Knickerbocker, even if I have to prance down there
and drag him out by the neck. Gee, there ain't much doing in town now.
Wilbur and a couple of friends are already running trial heats for the
Twenty-three Club dinner, and if he ever recovers from that our
engagement will be announced. I am having the photographs taken now.
"Tell me, do you think it's good form for a lady to have her wedding
announcement accompanied by pictures of herself in tights. Wilbur says
that it won't help me, but it will do the show a lot of good, and he
says somebody connected with my show should be done good besides the
manager.
"I will say one good word about our show--it has a grand first act. The
other two acts may be on the cheese, but the first act is good. The
author says the first act of a show is the only one that needs any
attention, because it is the only one the critics ever stick for anyway.
We got great scenery; the second act is made of what you might call a
composite set, being composed out of all the scenery from the other
failures this year.
"Did I say other failures?"
"I spoke inadvertently. 'For this elaborate production, with its
all-star cast of metropolitan favorites and its famous beauty chorus,'
as Wilbur says, may be all right.
"Mind you, I only say may.
"The first act is laid in a quince plantation, and the quinces of the
chorus are discovered at curtain rise picking the luscious fruit. There
is a naval vessel in the harbor. This was put in so the tenor could wear
his white duck uniform; he had to wear something, and when the
management found that he had a white duck uniform--every tenor has, you
know, or he wouldn't be a tenor--when the management found that he had a
uniform they took the money they had advanced for costumes away from him
and rewrote the first act.
"As I say, we lemons are picking quinces or we quinces are picking
lemons, any way you want to take it, and after finishing the opening
chorus we rush up stage, open center, and in comes the prima donna in a
pony cart--a stone boat would suit her better, but that is neither here
nor there--see pony cart, chance for number by pony ballet, with six
trained doughnuts--you see that's where the title of the play is
introduced. That's the only time the title shows up except a duet
between the leading lady and the tenor entitled 'I Had Rather be a
Doughnut in Harlem Than a Butter Cake in Childs'.'
"The prima and the tenor do an imitation of the 'Merry Widow' waltz. The
author didn't want that put in, but the backer of the show convinced him
that nowadays every true musical comedy had an imitation of the 'Merry
Widow' waltz, so he let it slide.
"After that in comes the comedian as the valet of a wealthy American
just arrived on the battleship.
"He has got a great entrance. It's brought out by some plot lines spoken
by two of the chorus girls that he has taken a taxaballoon from the boat
and while up in the air he bites the rope of the balloon in two in a fit
and falls center stage with a red spotlight on him. That's the musical
cue for his song.
"'I'd Rather Be Up in the Air Than Up in the Bronx.' He has learned
twenty-two extra verses and says that he will give them all if the
ushers' hands hold out.
"When he is through in comes the soubrette, formerly a lady boilermaker
in Canarsie, but now disguised as an adventuress, in search of the
missing papers.
"She has the papers in a locket given her by her mother, but don't know
it until the comedian bites her on the neck in the third act and breaks
the chain, when the locket falls to the ground and the papers fall out.
"The second act is a scene in Maxim's, where the leading lady is washing
dishes. That gives more comedy, with the comedian as a dish.
"The American is hiding from his wife and goes to Maxim's because he
knows she'll be there. If she wasn't, shucks! There wouldn't be no show.
"He does his specialty with a piece of cheese--not the prima donna--and
after that the American Beauty Chorus comes in and does a refined
can-can.
"My how I have run on! I just know I'll be late for rehearsal, but don't
forget the benefit. We need the money, Wilbur and me. So long!"
In which Sabrina prepares to leave town with the show, but
pauses to pass a few remarks on love, comedians, murders, maids,
spring millinery and the advisability of anyone marrying their
first husband.
CHAPTER TWELVE
"Goodbye, dear," said Sabrina, as we met her hurrying up Broadway. "Our
show leaves town to-morrow. We got to get to Hartford in time for a
dress rehearsal before the evening performance. My, such a time we have
had. You know the comedian we had threw up the sponge at the last minute
and we had to dig up another. Thank goodness, this one is a gentleman
and not getting fresh with the merry-merry every time he gets a chance.
"Oh, say, was you at the Friars' Sunday Night in Bohemia a couple of
weeks ago? The Friars spend every night in Bohemia or the Knickerbocker
bar, so Wilbur says. But honest, this was a great stunt, seconded only
by the Festival they are going to pull off in May.
"The curtain went up on what looked like a busy day in Childs', and
Wells Hawks was in the spotlight, surrounded by a bevy of blondes and
empty champagne bottles. They tell me that Gus Edwards had to blindfold
Hawks to lead him up to the table where the empty bottles were, and as
for the girls, it was with a great effort that they restrained
themselves.
"All they could do was to look at the empty bottles, hold their noses
and drink mineral water. Ain't it awful, Mabel? Anyway, everybody had a
good time, so what care they for gibes and jeers? Many the time have I
held a champagne cork to my nose, closed my eyes and dreamed that I was
having a time. Well, to continue about our show. Wilbur says it will
never go, because they only got block stands, and an agent ain't got no
show without at least one kind of a litho. Wilbur said it hurt the
artistic instinct of a billposter in these hick towns to put up all
block stands, and you generally have to slip them a little something to
be sure that they burn up all the extra stuff, so that the manager of
the company wouldn't find it should he go snooping around the bill room
when the show gets in town. He says if they get a good litho of a
killing or a chorus they will go out of the way to stick them up just
for art's sake. Wilbur is going to give me a suit case full of hard
tickets to the Friar Festival, and told me to mace every John I came
across on the road for as many as he would stand for. He said the more I
sent in the more he would know I loved him. Wilbur is so romantic!
"This new comedian we got with the show is pretty good, but of course I
can see defects. And the new prima donna is real nice. She asked me into
her dressing-room the other afternoon and slipped me a little idea
encourager that she had in a flask. But the way she is in love with the
tenor, honest, it's sickening to me. She watches him from the time he
comes in the theatre until the time he leaves, and then calls him up on
the 'phone at his home.
"The other day when he asked one of the girls to tie the ribbon in his
cuff she got so jealous that I thought she was going to give the poor
kid a lam on the lamp. What she can see in that tenor is beyond me. What
anybody can see in a tenor has got me guessing, for that matter. Wilbur
says that's just the way with temperamental people, and he lost a job
once just because he forgot to land pictures in the Sunday editions of
all the newspapers in town of the manager's own particular guiding star,
but planted a bunch of her dearest friend instead. He says there's no
pleasing them, and the only way to have peace and harmony around the
whole show shop is to print flashlights of the entire company. And even
that looks like blazes, for the editor will always reduce an
eight-column flashlight to a two-column cut, no matter how many drinks
you buy him.
"He says he saw a murder once--was the only witness, in fact--and he
took it on the run to a newspaper office and offered to trade a Charles
Sommerville to the editor for a reading notice about the show, and the
editor told him that they could get all they wanted from the police, and
what they didn't get wouldn't hurt the public if they didn't know about
it. He says if that wouldn't give the press agent art a kick in the neck
nothing would.
"Wilbur says he loves his art and nothing pleases him better than to
find a box office that will take his I O U. Us chorus have been sure
working hard the past week, and Ben Teal has been just that kind and
gentle, and didn't put a one of us on the pan. We certainly have got
some lovely costumes; they ain't much to them, but what there is is
beautiful. They smell a little of camphor, but they have been packed
away in hampers ever since last season, and that accounts for it.
"I got a fine scene with the comedian and should score a great personal
triumph. All of us girls are lined up for his entrance in the second
act, and when he comes in he walks right over to me and says: 'Ah,
little one. How are you on the Queen's wedding day,' 'Queen's wedding
day,' that's my cue, and I say, 'Very well, thank you kindly, noble
sire.' Aint that great? It takes nearly a whole side. I was rehearsing
it in my apartment this morning with Estelle, but she was so rotten as
the comedian that I took away the last $5 I gave her for a tip.
"These menials have no talent in their souls. Estelle, that's my maid,
says she has no desire to elevate the drama, and she had rather be a
maid for a chorus girl any time--there's more money in it. She may be
right at that.
"Alla McSweeney is going to start a New Thought Church. She says that
she has a whole flock of new thoughts and it would be quite fashionable
to start this new think stunt. She said she would tell us her new
thoughts if she thought we would never breathe a word to a living
breathing soul. Gee, that lets our gang out.
"They couldn't keep quiet if it killed them. Honest, for a bunch of
knockers, perfect both in single handed knocking and team work, our set
has anything bound to the bannister in New York.
"But what care I? Spring is coming and we will all soon hike to Bath
Beach. Honest, for a country place with all the conveniences of home
Bath Beach is the top liner. You can put a can under your shawl and rush
a couple of blocks and always get it full of the best, and if you put
butter around the side of the pail the barkeep ignores the fact and goes
right ahead.
"I may get a motor boat this summer if Wilbur gets his summer snap at
the island.
"Coney, I mean, not Blackwell's.
"He has never been over there except to take flowers to the Poillon
sisters. They love nature so. Charlotte says it makes her homesick every
time she sees a Joy Line boat go by.