A MISDIRECTED PASSION.
_7th October._
Dear Paul, I take part in your grief from the bottom of my heart. Allow
me, however, to assure you, from the very details of your own letter that
your dear mother's illness offers no alarming symptoms whatever. It is
one of those painful but harmless crises which the approach of winter
brings back upon her almost invariably every year, as you know. Patience
therefore, and courage, I beseech you.
It requires, my friend, the formal expression of your wishes to induce me
to venture upon mingling my petty troubles with your grave solicitude. As
you anticipated in your wisdom and in your kind friendship, it was
consolation and not advice that I stood in need of when I received your
letter. My heart is not at peace, and, what is worse for me, neither is my
conscience; and yet, I think I have done my duty. Have I understood it
right or not? Judge for yourself.
I take up my situation toward Madame de Palme where I had left it in my
last letter. The day after our mutual explanation, I took every care to
maintain our relations upon the footing of good-fellowship on which they
seemed established, and which constituted, in my idea, the only sort of
intelligence desirable and even possible between us. It seemed to me, on
that day, that she manifested the same vivacity and the same spirit as
usual; yet I fancied that her voice and her look, when she addressed me,
assumed a meek gravity which is not part of her usual disposition; but on
the following days, though I had not deviated from the line of conduct I
had marked out for myself, it became impossible for me not to notice that
Madame de Palme had lost something of her gayety, and that a vague
preoccupation clouded the serenity of her brow. I could see her
dancing-partners surprised at her frequent absence of mind; she still
followed the whirl, but she no longer led it. Under pretext of fatigue,
she would leave suddenly and abruptly her partner's arm, in the midst of a
waltz, to go and sit in some corner with a pensive and even a pouting
look. If there happened to be a vacant seat next to mine, she threw
herself into it, and began from behind her fan some whimsical and
disjointed conversation like the following:
"If I cannot be a hermit, I am going to become a nun. What would you say,
if you saw me enter a convent to-morrow?"
"I should say that you would leave it the day after to-morrow."
"You have no confidence in my resolutions?"
"When they are unwise, no."
"I can only form unwise ones, according to you?"
"According to me, you waltz admirably. When a person waltzes as you do,
it's an art, almost a virtue."
"Is it customary to flatter one's friends?"
"I am not flattering you. I never speak a single word to you that I have
not carefully weighed, and that is not the most earnest expression of my
thought. I am a serious man, madam."
"It does not seem so when you are with me. I verily believe, however, you
have undertaken to make me hate laughter as much as I used to like it."
"I do not understand you."
"How do you think I look to-night?"
"Dazzling!"
"That's too much! I know that I am not handsome."
"I don't say you are handsome, but you are extremely graceful."
"That's better; and it must be true, for I feel it. The Malabar Widow is
really handsome."
"Yes, I should like to see her at the funeral pile."
"To jump into it with her?"
"Exactly."
"Do you expect to leave soon?"
"Next week, I believe."
"Will you come and see me in Paris?"
"If you will allow me."
"No, I don't allow you."
"And why not? great heavens!"
"In the first place, I don't think I am going back to Paris myself."
"That's a good reason. And where do you expect to go, madam?"
"I don't know. Let us make a pedestrian tour somewhere, you and I
together; will you?"
"I should like nothing better. When shall we start?"
_Et cetera_. I shall not tire you, my friend, with the particulars of some
dozen similar conversations, every occasion of which for four days Madame
de Palme evidently sought. There was on her part a constantly growing
effort to leave aside all commonplace topics, and impart to our interviews
a character of greater intimacy; there was on mine an equal amount of
obstinacy in confining them within the strictest limits of social jargon,
and remaining resolutely on the ground of worldly futility.
I now come to the scene that was to bring this painful struggle to a
close, and unfortunately prove all its vanity to me.
Monsieur and Madame de Malouet were giving last night a grand farewell
ball to their daughter, whose husband has been recalled to his post of
duty, and the whole neighborhood within a circuit of ten leagues had been
summoned to the feast. Toward ten o'clock an immense crowd was overflowing
the vast ground floor of the chateau, in which the elegant dresses, the
lights, and the flowers were mingled in dazzling confusion. As I was
trying to make my way into the main drawing-room, I found myself face to
face with Madame de Malouet, who drew me slightly aside.
"Well! my dear sir," she said, "I do not like the looks of things."
"Mon Dieu! what is there new?"
"I don't know exactly, but be on your guard. Ah! mon Dieu! I have
remarkable confidence in you, sir; you will not take advantage of her,
will you?"
Her voice was tender and her eyes moist.
"You may rely upon me, madam; but I sincerely wish I had gone a week ago."
"Eh! mon Dieu! who could have foreseen such a thing? Hush! there she
comes!"
I turned round and saw Madame de Palme coming out of the parlor; before
her the throng opened with that timorous eagerness and that species of
terror which the supreme elegance of one of society's queens generally
inspires in our sex. For the first time, Madame de Palme appeared handsome
to me; the expression of her countenance was wholly novel to me, and a
weird animation gleamed in her eyes and transfigured her features.
"Am I to your taste?" she said.
I manifested by I know not what movement an assent, which was moreover but
too evident to the keen eye of a woman.
"I was looking for you," she added, "to show you the conservatory; it's
fairy-like. Come!"
She took my arm, and we started in the direction of the conservatory door
which opened at the other end of the parlor, extending as far as the park,
through the vines and the perfumes of hundreds of exotic plants, all the
splendors of the feast. While we were admiring the effect of the
girandoles that sparkled amid the luxuriant tropical flora like the bright
constellations of another hemisphere, several gentlemen came to claim
Madame de Palme's hand for a waltz; she refused them all, though I was
sufficiently disinterested to join my entreaties to theirs.
"Our respective roles seem to me somewhat inverted," she said: "it is I
who am detaining you, and you wish to get rid of me!"
"Heaven preserve me from such an idea! but I am afraid lest you may
deprive yourself, out of kindness to me, of a pleasure you are so fond
of."
"No! I know very well that I seek you and you avoid me. It is rather
absurd in the eyes of the world, but I care nothing for that. For this one
evening at least, I mean to amuse myself as I like. I forbid you to
disturb my happiness. I am really very happy. I have everything I
require--beautiful flowers, excellent music around me, and a friend at my
side. Only--and that's a dark spot on my blue sky--I am much more certain
of the music and the flowers than I am of the friend."
"You are entirely wrong."
"Explain your conduct, then, once for all. Why will you never talk
seriously with me? Why do you obstinately refuse to tell me one single
word that savors of confidence, of intimacy--of friendship, in a word?"
"Please reflect for a minute, madam; where would that lead us to?"
"What is that to you? That would lead us where it would. It is singular
that you should be more anxious about it than I am."
"Come, what would you think of me if I ventured to speak of love to you?"
"I don't ask you to make love to me!" she said, sharply.
"I know it, madam; and yet it is the inevitable turn my language would
take if it ceased for a moment to be frivolous and commonplace. Now, admit
that there is one man in the world who could not speak of love to you
without incurring your contempt, and that I am that very man. I cannot say
that I am very much pleased with having placed myself in such a position;
but, after all, it is so, and I cannot forget it."
"That is showing a great deal of judgment."
"That is showing a great deal of courage."
She shook her head with an air of doubt, and resumed after a moment of
silence:
"Do you know that you have just spoken to me as if I were what is called a
'fast' woman?"
"Oh! madam!"
"Of course, you think that I can never attribute to a man who pays his
addresses to me any but improper intentions. If it were so, I would
deserve being called a 'fast' woman, and I do not. I know you don't
believe it, but it is the pure truth, as there is a God--yes, as there is
a God! God knows me, and I pray to Him much oftener than is thought. He
has kept me from doing harm thus far, and I hope He will keep me from it
forever; but it is a thing of which He has not the sole control--" She
stopped for a moment, and then added in a firm tone:
"You can do much toward it."
"I, madam?"
"I have allowed you to take, I know not how--I really do not know how!--a
great influence over my destiny. Will you be willing to use it? That is
the question."
"And in what capacity could I do so, pray, madam?" I said slowly and in a
tone of cold reserve.
"Ah!" she exclaimed, in a hoarse and energetic accent, "how can you ask me
that? It is too hard! you humiliate me too much!"
She left my arm and returned abruptly into the parlor. I remained for some
time uncertain as to what course to pursue. I thought first of following
Madame de Palme and explaining to her that she was mistaken--which was
true--as to the interrogative answer which had offended her. She had
applied that answer to some thought that pervaded her mind, which I did
not understand, or at least which her words had revealed to me much less
clearly than she had imagined; but after thinking over it, I shrank from
the new and formidable explanation which such a course must inevitably
bring about.
I left the conservatory, and walked into the garden to escape the hum of
the ball-room, which importuned my ears. The night was cold but beautiful.
With my heart still filled with the bitterness of this scene, I wandered
instinctively beyond the luminous zone projected around the chateau
through the apertures of the resplendent windows. I walked rapidly toward
a double row of spruce trees, crossed by a rustic bridge thrown over a
small brook which divided the garden from the park, and where the shade
was more dense. I had just reached this somber spot, when a hand was laid
on my arm and stopped me; at the same time a short and troubled voice,
which I could not mistake, said:
"I must speak to you!"
"Madam! for mercy's sake! in the name of Heaven! what are you doing? you
will ruin your reputation! Do return to the house! Come, come, let me
escort you back!"
I attempted to seize her arm, but she eluded my grasp.
"I want to speak to you--I have decided to do so. Oh, mon Dieu! how
awkwardly I do go about it, don't I? You must believe me more than ever a
miserable creature! and yet there is nothing in it, not a thing; it's the
truth, the pure truth, mon ami! You are the first man for whose sake I
have forgotten--all that I am now forgetting! Yes, the first! Never has
any other man heard from my lips a single word of tenderness, never! And
you do not believe!"
I took both her hands in mine:
"I believe you, I swear it--I swear that I esteem you--that I respect you
as a beloved daughter--but listen to me; pray, listen! do not brave openly
this pitiless world--return to the ball-room--I'll join you there soon, I
promise you--but in the name of Heaven, do not compromise your fair fame!"
The poor child melted into tears, and I felt that she was staggering; I
supported her and helped her to a seat on a bench close by. I remained
standing before her, holding one of her hands. The darkness was intense
around us; I gazed into space, and I listened, in a state of vague stupor,
to the clear and regular murmur of the brook flowing under the spruce
trees, to the convulsive sobs that swelled the unhappy woman's bosom, and
to the odious sounds of revelry which the orchestra sent us at intervals
from afar. It was one of those moments that can never be forgotten.
She succeeded in mastering her grief at last, and seemed, after this
explosion, to recover all her firmness.
"Monsieur," she said, rising and withdrawing her hand, "have no fears
about my reputation. The world is accustomed to my follies. However, I
have taken care that the present one shall not be noticed. Besides, I
would not care if it was. You are the only man whose esteem I have ever
desired, and, unfortunately the only one also whose contempt I have
incurred--that is most cruel!--and yet something must tell you that I do
not deserve it."
"Madam!"
"Listen to me! and may God convince you. This is a solemn hour in my
existence. Since the first glance you ever cast upon me, sir--on that day
when I went up to you while you were sketching the old church--since that
first glance, I belonged to you. I have never loved, I shall never love
any man but you. Will you take me for your wife? I am worthy of it--I
swear it to you in the presence of that Heaven which is looking down upon
us!"
"Dear madam--dear child--your kindness, your affection move me to the
depths of my soul; in mercy, be more calm; let me retain a gleam of
reason!"
"Ah! if your heart speaks, listen to it, sir! It is not with reason that I
can be judged! Alas! I feel it! you still doubt me, you still doubt my
past life. Oh, Heavens! that opinion of the world which I have always
scorned, how it is killing me now!"
"No, madam, you are mistaken; but what could I offer you in exchange for
all you wish to sacrifice for my sake--for the habits, the tastes, the
pleasures of your whole life?"
"But that life inspires me with horror! You think that I would regret it?
You think that some day I may again become the woman I have been, the
madcap you have known?--you think so! And how can I help your believing
it? And yet I know very well that I would never cause you that sorrow, nor
any other--never! I have discovered in your eyes a new world I did not
know--a more dignified, more lofty world, of which I had never conceived
the idea--and outside of which I can no longer live. Ah! you must
certainly feel that I am telling you the truth!"
"Yes, madam, you are telling me the truth--the truth of the hour--of a
moment of fever and excitement; but this new world, which appears dimly to
you now--this ideal world in which you desire to seek an eternal refuge
against mere transient evils--would never keep all it seems to promise.
Disappointment, regret, misery await you within it--and do not await you
alone. I know not if there be a man gifted with a sufficiently noble mind,
with a sufficiently lofty soul to make you love the new existence of which
you are dreaming to preserve in the reality the almost divine character
which your imagination imparts to it; but I do know that such a task,
sweet as it might be, is beyond my strength; I would be insane, I would be
a wretch, if I were to accept it."
"Is that your final decision? Cannot reflection alter it in any way?"
"In no way."
"Farewell then, sir--ah! unhappy woman that I am!--farewell!"
She grasped my hand, which she wrung convulsively, and then left me.
After she had disappeared, I sat down on the bench, upon which she had
been seated. There, my dear Paul, my whole strength gave way. I hid my
head in my hands and I wept like a child. Thank God, she did not return!
I had at last to gather all my courage in order to appear once more and
for a moment in the ball-room. There was nothing to indicate that my
absence had been noticed, or unfavorably commented upon. Madame de Palme
was dancing and displaying a degree of gayety amounting almost to
delirium. Soon after, supper was announced, and I availed myself of the
general commotion attending that incident, to retire to my room.
Early this morning, I requested a private interview with Madame de
Malouet. It appeared to me that my entire confidence was due to her. She
heard me with profound sadness, but without manifesting any surprise.
"I had guessed," she told me, "something of the kind--I did not sleep all
night. I believe that you have done your duty as a wise man and as an
honest man. Yes, you have. Still, it seems very hard. Society life is
detestable in this, that it creates fictitious characters and passions,
unexpected situations, subtle shades, which complicate strangely the
practice of duty, and obscure the straight path which ought to be always
simple and easy to discover. And now you wish to leave, I suppose?"
"Certainly, madam."
"Very well; but you had better stay two or three days longer. You will
thus remove from your departure the semblance of flight which, after what
may have been observed, might prove somewhat ridiculous and perhaps
damaging. It is a sacrifice I ask of you. To-day, we are all to dine at
Madame de Breuilly's; I'll undertake to excuse you. In this manner, this
day at least will rest lightly upon you. To-morrow, we'll act for the
best. Day after to-morrow, you can leave."
I accepted these terms. I shall soon see you again, then, Paul. But in the
meantime, how lonely and forsaken I feel! How I long to grasp your firm
and loyal hand; to hear your voice tell me: "You have done right!"