MR. PUNCH'S
DRAMATIC SEQUELS.
BY
ST. JOHN HANKIN.
_WITH FOURTEEN ORIGINAL ILLUSTRATIONS BY_
E. J. WHEELER.
LONDON:
BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO. LD.
CONTENTS.
PAGE
ALCESTIS 1
HAMLET 21
MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING 37
THE CRITIC 57
THE SCHOOL FOR SCANDAL 73
SHE STOOPS TO CONQUER 91
THE LADY OF LYONS 107
CASTE 125
PATIENCE, OR BUNTHORNE'S BRIDE 141
THE SECOND MRS. TANQUERAY 159
THE LADY FROM THE SEA 177
CÆSAR AND CLEOPATRA 197
THE NOTORIOUS MRS. EBBSMITH 215
A DRAMATIZED VERSION OF OMAR KHAYYÁM 231
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS.
PAGE
"HIS FATHER, AGED THOUGH HE WAS, SCOUTED THE
PROPOSITION AS ABSURD" 7
"AND HAMLET STALKING IN THE CORRIDORS" 27
"MY DEAR LORD, NEVER MARRY A WITTY WIFE!" 45
"BUT THEY'RE VERY SEVERE ON THE PLAY" 61
"AH, JOSEPH, YOU'RE A SAD DOG!" 83
"BUT I'VE ALWAYS BEEN SHY" 95
"LET ME GIVE MY CLAUDE'S WIFE A KISS" 117
MR. ECCLES MAKES HIS HUNDRED AND FIFTY-SIXTH
APPEARANCE AT THE POLICE COURT 131
"I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE" 147
"SHE ANNOUNCED HER INTENTION OF LEAVING THE
HOUSE FOR EVER" 171
"NOT BROODING, I TRUST, DEAR?" 185
"I'D GIVE MY GENIUS FOR YOUR DIGESTION ANY DAY" 211
"FRIDAY, YOU KNOW, IS THE MEETING OF THE AGAMISTS'
LEAGUE" 223
"MYSHTICISM, DIFFICULT WORD TO SAY, MYSTICISHM" 239
PREFATORY.
_Plays end too soon. They never show
The whole of what I want to know._
_The curtain falls and I'm perplexed
With doubts about what happened next._
_Did HAMLET'S father haunt no more
The battlements of Elsinore?_
_Does LADY TEAZLE never call
At LADY SNEERWELL'S now at all?_
_Was BENEDICK'S a happy marriage?
And will the MELNOTTES keep a carriage?_
_Will AUBREY take to wife one day
Another MRS. TANQUERAY?_
_Do ECCLES and his stepson wrangle?
Has anything been heard of DANGLE?
What has become of MRS. WANGEL?_
_I've asked again and yet again
These questions--hitherto in vain!_
_I sought the answers near and far.
At length they came, and here they are:--_
Alcestis.
_How Admetus was saved from the disagreeable necessity of dying by his
wife Alcestis, who was permitted to die in his stead, and how Heracles,
in gratitude for Admetus' hospitality, wrestled with Death for her
and restored her to her husband, has been narrated by Euripides. What
Euripides did not do was to give us any hint of the subsequent history
of the reunited couple. Did they live happily ever afterwards, or----?
But the sequel must show. It is written in the woman-hating vein so
often seen in Euripides, and its title has been Latinized for the
benefit of those who have forgotten their Greek._
HERCULES VICTUS.
SCENE.--_Before ADMETUS' Palace. That worthy enters hurriedly
through the Royal doors, which he bangs behind him with a slight
want of dignity. He soliloquises._
ADMETUS.
Ye gods, how long must I endure all this,
The ceaseless clamour of a woman's tongue?
Was it for this ye granted me the boon
That she might give her life in place of mine,
Only that Heracles might bring her back,
Torn from the arms of Death to plague me thus?
This was your boon, in sooth no boon to me.
How blind is man, not knowing when he is blest!
Fool that I was, I mourned Alcestis' death
Almost as much as I should mourn my own.
Indeed I thought, so great my grief appeared,
I would almost have laid my own life down
--Almost I say--to bring her back to earth.
Yet, now she lives once more she makes me weep
More bitter tears than I did ever shed
When I believed her gone beyond recall.
[_Weeps bitterly._
CHORUS.
FIRST SEMICHORUS.
Oh, what a doubtful blessing is a wife
Who saves your life
And then doth make it doubly hard to live!
Alas, she doth but give
A gift we cannot prize
But count it in our eyes
As nothing worth--a thing to spurn, to cast away,
To form the theme of this depreciatory lay!
SECOND SEMICHORUS.
Alcestis, what a shame it is to find
This kingly mind
So much disturbed, this kingly heart so wrung,
By thy too active tongue
Thou gav'st thy life for his
But oh, how wrong it is
To make that life which thou so nobly didst restore
A thing he values not at all, in fact a bore!
FIRST SEMICHORUS.
O wretched race of men,
When shall we see again
The peace that once ye had
Ere woman bad,
Or mad,
Did cross your happy path
In wrath,
And doom you to a tedious life of fear and fret,
Of unavailing tears and unconcealed regret!
SECOND SEMICHORUS.
O Heracles, what shame
Shall cloud thy previous fame
Who brought this lady back
Along the black
Steep track,
Where Death and she did fare,
A pair
(At least, as far as we can ascertain) content
To those Tartarean halls which hear no argument!
[_Enter ALCESTIS. She is in a bad temper, and is weeping
as only Euripides' characters can._
ALCESTIS.
Ah! woe is me! Why was I ever born?
And why, once dead, did I return again
To this distressful earth? Oh, Heracles,
Why did you bear me back to this sad place,
This palace where Admetus sits enthroned?
Oh, what a disagreeable fate it is
To live with such a husband--hear his voice
Raised ever in complaint, and have no word
Of gratitude for all I did for him!
Was there another creature in the world
Who willingly would die for such a man?
Not one! His father, aged though he was,
Scouted the proposition as absurd.
His mother, when approached, declined in terms
Which I should hesitate to reproduce,
So frank and so unflattering they were.
But I, I gave my life instead of his,
And what is my reward? A few cold words
Of thanks, a complimentary phrase or two,
And then he drops the subject, thinks no more
About the matter and is quite annoyed
When, as may happen once or twice a day,
I accidentally allude to it!
[Illustration: E. J. Wheeler.
"His father, aged though he was,
Scouted the proposition as absurd."]
ADMETUS.
[_Bursting into indignant stichomuthia._] Not once or twice
but fifty times a day.
ALCESTIS.
Nay, you can have too much of a good thing.
ADMETUS.
I don't agree. Speech is a good to men....
ALCESTIS.
Your drift, as yet, I do not well perceive.
ADMETUS.
... Yet too much speech is an undoubted ill.
ALCESTIS.
Ah, you rail ever at a woman's tongue.
ADMETUS.
Where the cap fits, why, let it there be worn.
ALCESTIS.
You spoke not thus when I redeemed your life.
ADMETUS.
No, for I thought you gone ne'er to return.
ALCESTIS.
'Twas not of mine own will that I came back.
ADMETUS.
I'm very certain that 'twas not of mine!
ALCESTIS.
Tell that to Heracles who rescued me.
ADMETUS.
I will, next time he comes to stay with us.
ALCESTIS.
You say that, knowing that he cannot come.
ADMETUS.
Why should he not? What keeps him then away?
ALCESTIS.
Cleansing Augean stables: a good work!
ADMETUS.
Idiot! He never will let well alone.
ALCESTIS.
[_Tired of only getting in one line at a time._]
Iou! Iou! What thankless things are men!
And, most of all, how thankless husbands are!
We cook their dinners, sew their buttons on,
And even on occasion darn their socks,
And they repay us thus! But see where comes
Great Heracles himself. 'Tis ever thus
With heroes. Mention them, and they appear.
[_Enter HERACLES in the opportune manner customary in
Greek tragedy._
HERACLES.
[_Preparing to salute the gods at great length._] Great Zeus,
and thou, Apollo, and thou too----
ADMETUS.
[_Interrupting hurriedly._] Oh, Heracles, you come in fitting time
To this afflicted and much suffering house.
HERACLES.
Wherefore afflicted? Anybody dead?
ADMETUS.
Not dead, but living. That the grievance is.
HERACLES.
A plague on riddles! Make your meaning clear.
ADMETUS.
Six months, six little months, six drops of time!
HERACLES.
You still remain unwontedly obscure.
ADMETUS.
Six months ago you tore my wife from Death.
HERACLES.
Well, what of that? What's all the fuss about?
ADMETUS.
I know you did it, meaning to be kind,
But, oh, it was a terrible mistake.
Indeed, I think it positively wrong
That you should interfere with Nature's laws
In this extremely inconsiderate way.
Depend upon it when a lady dies
It's most unwise to call her back again.
You should have left Alcestis to the shades
And me to live a happy widower.
HERACLES.
Ungrateful man, what words are these you speak?
Were you not glad when I did bring her back?
ADMETUS.
I _was_. But that was several months ago.
And in the interval I have found cause,
A dozen times a day, to change my mind.
HERACLES.
What cause so strong that you should wish her dead?
ADMETUS.
Well, if you must be told, she's sadly changed;
Dying has not at all agreed with her.
Before Death took her she was kind and mild,
As good a wife as any man could wish,
How altered is her disposition now!
She scolds the servants, sends away the cook,
--A man I've had in my employ for years--
And actually criticises ME!
HERACLES.
I'm really very much distressed to hear
This mournful news. But what am I to do?
ADMETUS.
Make Death receive her back: an easy task.
HERACLES.
But will Alcestis see it, do you think?
ALCESTIS.
Please, don't distress yourself on _her_ account;
She'd leave her husband upon _any_ terms.
Is there a woman in the whole wide world
That would not rather die a dozen times
Rather than live her life out with this man,
This puling, miserable, craven thing,
Who lets his wife lay down her life for him
And, when by miracle she is restored
To earth again and claims his gratitude,
Has the bad taste to grumble at the fact?
ADMETUS.
I told you, Heracles, she had a tongue.
HERACLES.
Indeed, she's well equipped in that respect.
ALCESTIS.
To such a man the stones themselves would speak.
HERACLES.
Well, lady, are you then content to die?
ALCESTIS.
I'm positively anxious to be off.
HERACLES.
Then will I go and make Death take you hence.
ALCESTIS.
I'm sure I shall be very much obliged.
ADMETUS.
But, oh! not half so much obliged as I.
HERACLES.
So be it, then. Death won't be far away.
And when I've found him and have punched his head,
I'll make him come and take you off at once.
[_Exit HERACLES._
_The Chorus, who appear to have borrowed their metre from "Atalanta
in Calydon," sing as follows:--_
CHORUS.
Is this really to put
An end to our cares,
To the toils where our foot
Was caught unawares?
Will Heracles really put straight this unfortunate state
of affairs?
Will he overthrow Death
For the second time here?
Will he do as he saith
And in due time appear
With the news which will lay fair Alcestis a second time
out on her bier?
She will die, she proclaims,
With the utmost good-will,
And she calls us all names
In a voice that is shrill
While she vows that the sight of Admetus, her husband,
is making her ill!
It hardly seems wise
To spurn and reject
Your husband with cries--
To which all men object,
But Admetus is scarcely the husband to inspire any wife
with respect.
Lo, Heracles comes,
A hero confessed!
But he twiddles his thumbs
And looks somewhat depressed.
Can it be that at last he's been conquered? Well, all I
can say is, I'm blest!
[_The Chorus sit down in dejection._
_Enter HERACLES._
HERACLES.
First I salute the gods, great Zeus in chief....
ADMETUS.
[_Interrupting._] Oh, skip all that. Tell us about the
fight.
HERACLES.
Iou! Iou!
ADMETUS.
Don't yap like that. Speak up. What is your news?
HERACLES.
My friends, I saw Death slinking down the drive.
I stopped him, told him that this lady here
Was anxious for his escort to the Shades,
Reminded him that I had once before
Rescued her from his grasp, and pointed out
How generous I was thus to restore
What then I took. In fact, I put the best
Complexion on the matter that I could.
ALCESTIS.
Well? Did he say that he would take me back?
HERACLES.
By no means. He declined emphatically.
He will not take you upon any terms.
Death is no fool; he knows what he's about!
ADMETUS.
But did you not compel him to consent?
HERACLES.
I did my best. We had a bout or two
Of wrestling, but he threw me every time.
Finally, out of breath, and sadly mauled,
I ran away--and here I am, in fact.
ALCESTIS.
You stupid, clumsy, fat, degenerate lout,
I positively hate the sight of you!
Out of my way, or I shall scratch your face!
If Dejanira feels at all like me,
She'll borrow Nessus' shirt and make you smart!
[_Exit angrily._
HERACLES.
Oh, what a vixen! Can you wonder Death,
When I approached him, would not take her back?
ADMETUS.
I can't pretend I'm very much surprised
Although, if you will pardon the remark,
I think you might have made a better fight.
Better not stay to dine. It's hardly safe.
Alcestis isn't to be trifled with,
And if she murdered you _I_ should be blamed!
[_Exit sorrowfully._
CHORUS.
[_Rising fussily._] How ill-natured of Death!
What a horrible thing!
It quite takes my breath
And I pant as I sing.
If Alcestis is really immortal, what a terrible blow for the King!
_Curtain._
Hamlet.
_Among the plays which seem specially to require a sequel, "Hamlet"
must certainly be reckoned. The end of Act V. left the distracted
kingdom of Denmark bereft alike of King, Queen, and Heir-Presumptive.
There were thus all the materials for an acute political crisis. It
might have been imagined that the crown would fall inevitably to
the Norwegian Prince Fortinbras who, being on the spot with an army
behind him, certainly seems to have neglected his chances. It is
clear, however, from the sequel that Fortinbras failed to rise to the
occasion, and that Horatio, being more an antique Roman than a Dane,
seized his opportunity and by a_ coup d'état _got possession of the
vacant throne. Nor would Fortinbras appear to have resented this, as we
find him subsequently visiting Horatio at Elsinore. There is, however,
a Nemesis which waits upon Usurpers, as the sequel shows. The sequel,
by the way, should have been called "Ghosts," but that title has been
already appropriated by a lesser dramatist._
THE NEW WING AT ELSINORE.
SCENE I.--_The Platform before the old part of the Castle as in