A KNIGHT OF THE WHITE CAMELIA.
At early dawn in the language of the excited servant, "Dere is sich a
flustration agwine on outen old misses flower gyarden as I never seed in
my born days."
With this exclamation her young mistress was aroused from her slumber by
the old negro as she knocked violently at the door of her bed chamber in
a state of great perturbation.
"Fur de land sake! Miss Alice if yu wants to see a sho nuff harricane
run outen here as peart as yer ken. De stracted niggers big und leetle
has finely tuck de plantashun. Oh my sole, de heabens and de yearth has
cum togedder!"
Alice rushed to the window and was horrified at the sight before her.
She heard a jargon of boisterous defiant noises graduated from
inarticulate sounds to higher and varying keys with occasional snatches
of a disgusting song in falsetto.
"We de bosses is er gwine to be,
Kase ole Lincum dun set us free,
In de year of Jubilo."
She saw to her disgust and mortification a score or two of negro
children romping like cattle through her sainted mother's flower garden.
They were plucking the dahlias and roses and other varieties of flowers
with ruthless hands, and blowing their petals hither and thither with
their vile breath into the air. Such desecration was never dreamed of by
Alice and she spoke angrily to the disgusting little vagrants and
attempted to drive them from the premises.
"Yer jes shet yer ole mouf, dats what, ole po white trash. Us yung uns
haint eben er studdin you. Is us Maria?"
"Dat us aint," pertly responded Maria. "Yers ole po white trash, dats
what my farder and my mudder ses you is, and us cullud ladies haint
ergwine to mess wid you nary bit und grane. Us is agwine to pull all
dese ole flowers und fling em on de groun, und us aint er skert of nary
ole skeer-crow lak yer is nudder."
And with these sundry and divers exclamations, Maria and Susan joined
hands and danced a break-down upon the flower beds, while the other
negro children big and little clapped hands and sang in shrill piping
notes another stanza of the song.
"De bellion it is dun und fell,
Und ole Marsa is gon to--well,
In de year of Jubilo."
Alice attempted again to drive them away with her father's cane, when
they aligned themselves in positions of attack, and with brick-bats,
fragments of slate and glass and other weapons of improvised battle
challenged in angry volleys.
"We's jes dars yu to put yer ole foot outen dat do und we'll mash yer
hed wid er brick," and with that one of the missiles went crashing
through the imported plate glass of the front door, when the wicked
vermin scampered away with the warning cry.
"Dey is er cummin, Dey is er cummin, looker dare, looker dare," and hid
around chimney corners and among the brick underpinning.
Clarissa had viewed proceedings from the window of the kitchen with as
much interest as though it were a battle of real blood and thunder, and
running out of a door around a corner where she saw the kinky head of
"Sofy Ann" peeping, she seized her by her hair and soused her over head
and ears, in a hogshead filled with rain water that stood near the
kitchen "Fo Gord!" she exclaimed, "I don't know whedder to drown yer
outen out ur to baptize yer hed fomost. I'm gwine to wash offen yer sins
ef I nebber duz no mo," and she kept ducking the little nigger until she
was "moest drowned sho nuff." "Dar, now, I'm agwine to turn yer loose
dis time, yer imp of Satun; jest let me ketch yer wun mo time in ole
missis flower garden lak er hoss wid de blind staggers, und yer fokes
will hab to sen fur de crowner. Take yersef clean clear outen my site,
yer pizened varmint." The little negro, blubbering, spitting, coughing
and bellowing, sneaked away toward the office looking back with savage
glances, with eyes that stood out like a lobster's.
At this point of time the sound of wheels was heard down the roadway and
going to the door Alice saw a lady of uncertain age with a very keen
aspect, smartly dressed, alighting from a road cart. As she was
approaching the door Alice at once recognized her as the lady who
accompanied Mr. Jamieson, the Englishman, to the mansion only a short
time before and whom that gentleman had addressed as his niece.
"Will you give me the key to the office, Miss?" she asked pertly
addressing Alice.
"Now, dearies," she called to the negro children who had gathered
suspiciously around her, "Just go to the schoolroom; I will be with you
directly."
"Will you give me the key to the office Miss?" she asked this time with
much emphasis.
"Indeed, I have no control over the office, it is my father's, madam,
and he has his books and papers in it and doesn't wish them disturbed."
"My father is not in the house just now. Perhaps you had better wait
until he returns."
"Oh, indeed, miss, I carn't, I am a bit late just now, and I must be
prompt, miss, or I shall lose my position. It doesn't matter about your
father's books and papers, miss, that is a trifle; I guess I can find a
place for the books and papers if you do not choose to remove them
yourself. Get a move on you, Miss, if you please, as I remarked, I am a
bit late this forenoon."
"I do not wish to give you the key, madam," again replied the girl,
"What is your business upon my father's premises unbidden?"
"Ah, indeed, what impudence! Did I ever, I guess you will find out
quickly, miss! Will you give me the key miss, or shall I drive home
again and report you to Mr. Laflin?" The name Laflin was, figuratively
speaking, the burglar's tool that unlocked every door in this populous
county. With many wicked thoughts Alice delivered the key to the
school-mistress and with her arms around the necks of two negro girls
she trooped off to the office; the door was opened and into the room the
mistress and pupils entered.
"Oh, dear, dear, dear! exclaimed the school marm piteously. Whatever
shall I do with all this rubbish? Come here, dear gyurls and boys, be a
bit lively and remove these disgusting old things. Take them to the lady
of the house; I guess she will know what to do with them. We carn't have
thes trifles in the school room; no indeed we carn't" and pell-mell,
helter skelter, topsy turvey, books, periodicals and papers were thrust
out of doors into boxes, barrels, anything, anywhere as if they were so
many burglars "taken in the act."
Poor Alice cried and sobbed; but a new regime was fast crowding out the
memory of the olden days, it was the welding of an intermediate link
between the waning and the waxing--the disappearing and the appearing
civilizations.
"Now, dear gyurls and boys," said the mistress. "Take your seats. I
guess we will begin. Charlie, come here, dear. You are a sweet little
boy and I guess your mamma thinks so, too. How old are you, dear?"
"Seben, agwine in leben," answered the little black urchin quickly.
"Who made you, Charlie?"
"Who made me?" repeated the little negro saucily.
"Yes, who made you?"
"Oh I dunno, dat dere boy dere sez ole satan made me und him too."
"Oh, the precious little heathen," exclaimed the school marm,
discouragingly, "Did you ever hear of God?" she asked again.
"Yes mum, I dun und seed him wun time, when me und Jake wus a rabbit
huntin."
"Oh dear, dear, dear! Where did you see God? And what was he like?" she
asked.
"Seed him down de crick," answered the negro smartly.
"What was he like?"
"What wus he lak?" echoed Charlie, digging into his pockets with both
hands and standing upon one barefoot. "Lak a jacker lantern cum outen de
groun."
"What became of him?" asked the lady.
"What cum of him?" asked Charlie "He flewed clean erway," answered
Charlie as smartly as before.
"Oh my dear, dear, child, what is to become of you!" she exclaimed
disparagingly. "Susan, come here, my pretty gyurl," called the lady.
"Oh! how pretty are your sparkling jetty eyes," she exclaimed as she
turned up the little negro's face to kiss her. "Now dear, how old are
you?"
"Me!" asked the girl, "I's furteen gwine in foteen."
"And now tell me who made you?"
"Who made me!" echoed the child. "Oh, I fort yu axed dat ar boy who made
him," she answered with a broad smile.
"So I did; now I wish to know who made you?"
"I aint no kin to dat ar boy, kase his daddy aint got but wun eye und my
daddy has got too eyes."
"Who made you, child?"
"Ho, I furgot," replied Susan "Gord made me."
"That is correct," answered the teacher, "Now what did God make you out
of?"
"Outen?" again replied Susan, "Oh, outen lasses candy. My mudder says
kase I's so sweet."
"Dear, dear, dear, shall I give entirely up?" exclaimed the discomfited
lady. "Shall I try again? yes, perhaps I shall find a little leaven
directly." "Come here Willie; I can see from your bright face that you
are a smart little boy. Now tell me did you ever hear of the rebellion?"
"Belliun?" echoed Willie as he thrust his fingers into his mouth and out
again with a pop that made the children titter. "Neber heerd ob nuffin
else epseps de belliun."
"What is a traitor, dear boy?"
"Tater?" "What sort er tater, sweet tator ur Orish tater?" enquired
Willie.
"Perhaps I may teach the little heathen to understand," said the school
marm, suggestively. "Willie," she asked "What do you call that gentleman
who lives in that fine house over the way?"
"Calls him!" again repeated Willie, "I calls him po white trash; what
dos yer call him?"
"Oh dear, dear, dear," screamed the teacher utterly bewildered. One more
time she exclaimed "James, come here," and another little negro as
black as tar with one eye closed by a great knot upon it came forward.
"What is the matter, James, with your face?"
"Umph!" grunted James, "Specks if yer seed whar I been you'd know 'dout
axin. Dat ar boy has been scrougin me lak I wus a trabball."
"James, if you are a bad boy do you know where you will go when you
die?" asked the lady.
"Umph," exclaimed James, "I haint eben a studdin erbout which erway I'm
a gwine arter I die. I'm studdin which erway I'm ergwine arter I git
outen dat ar do. See dat ar boy a shaking he hed?" "He sez how dat ef I
cum by his mudders house agwine to my mudders house he's agwine to
scrouge me sum mo, und I'm skeert to go tuther way."
"One other question" (half aside), "James, if you live to be a man what
are you going to do for a living?"
"Gwine to do?" said James, "I'm agwine to be a lyer, so I kin set in de
kote house und sass de jedge." And thus the farce went on day after day
under the shadow of Ingleside.
Clarissa caught a depredating urchin trying to stand upon his head in a
half-filled barrel of crushed sugar in the pantry and said to herself
"You stays dar twell I get me er plank," and creeping like a cat back
again, and taking a fresh purchase on the board, she came down upon "de
middle ships of dat dar ar yungun lak er buzzum of struction; pend upon
it, Miss Alice, dat ar niggar is er flying twill yit wid sweetnin nuff
to last twell de July flies cum agin."
"This nest of dirt-daubers," as Colonel Seymour fitly described the
school, became a nuisance that must be abated by hook or crook. The law
was nothing more than a great stalking shadow. "If I could only secure
the services of Jake Flowers the regulator, thought the old man, "he and
I shall be a law unto ourselves."
This was the man whom Colonel Seymour desired as his file leader upon
the drill ground when the stalking shadow of the law failed to keep time
to the music, a law unto himself, whose forum should be "thar or
tharabouts" on the Ingleside plantation.
Jake Flowers the regulator had violated a law of the Sabbath by working
out some devilish invention, which, he observed with satisfaction, to
his wife, would keep the coroner sitting upon corpses until "the craps
were smartly out of the grass." The regulator stood in the open door,
looking out upon the great sheets of water that were falling from the
clouds. As he stood in his muddy boots, with both hands deep down into
his pockets, his carrotty hair in great shocks standing out of a
crownless hat as if an electric current had just passed through it, he
was picturesque in the extreme.
"Sally Ann!" he exclaimed "I am thinking."
"Well, think agen," Sally Ann answered tartly, "That mout fetch back old
Nance and the biddies." Sally Ann had been pouting ever since Jake went
to jail for the loss of her setting hen and the chicks.
"You haint got no call to go back on me, on the occasion of the old hen
and the nigger," said Jake seriously. "Hit wus providence or hit wus the
guvement, and twixt the two they has got a mighty prejudy agen a poor
man; when hit comes ter shullikin and pilferen they is hard to hender.
Weuns haint no more than dandy-lions in the path of the harrycane;
leastwise weuns kaint hit back.
"Nor hit haint providence; nor hit haint the guvement, nor hit haint
prejudy," Sally Ann replied angrily "Hit are pine blank cussedness. Some
folks is onnery Jake, and it is like the swamp-ager, hit is powerful
raging when the crap is knee-deep in the grass. I shouldn't wonder nary
bit and grain if Andy's crap aint in the yallers same as ourn." This was
said very provokingly, and Jake felt the sting of the reproof.
"Jeminy-cracky!" he exclaimed in a passion, "Harkee Sally, hit is tit
fur tat; be ye a pinin fur another fellow?"
"Why I guess maybe--I reckon--I mout assist yu'uns, leastwise I haint a
going to stand in yu'unsway." The regulator looked down as by accident
into the cradle: there was the sleeping babe, the pledge of a love that
had been hedged in all these days by privations, and his heart went out
toward his wife with the old time affection.
"Naw Sally Ann" he exclaimed with a husky voice, "Weuns kaint part when
there is no one to come betwixt us; weuns kaint say good-bye twell yuuns
is on yon side of the river."
The roses had faded out of the cheek of his wife, but there was the
old-fashioned sparkle in her eye; there was the old time love in her
heart, crossed sometimes by the perverse nature of her lord and master.
"Haint you made your will Jake?" asked Sally-Ann half seriously.
"Naw is you skeert honey?"
"Andy has done and made hissen and fetched it over here to read last
Sunday when you wus gone to the mash and hit read like scriptur."
Jake had been envious of Andy Vose for some time. When the need of the
country for men good and true had been most urgent, Vose had deserted to
the ranks of the enemy, and now he counted his flocks and herds by the
score. Jake was also jealous of the attentions the scalawag was from
time to time showing his young wife; these visits occurred most
frequently in the absence of the regulator, and these intrusions as he
felt they were, gave him alarm. After reflection, Jake concealing his
suspicions remarked with apparent unconcern, "Read like scriptur, I'll
be dorg gone!" "I haint got no call to make a will like Andy, honey. De
nigger officer levelled on old Nance and the biddies, and the live stock
has run plum out epsepting the babe and it is yourn any way honey."
This man was a terror to the freedmen. They had a tradition among
themselves that the very last seen of the regulator until after the war
was over was his ascension in a cloud of fire and smoke into "de
elements" holding fast to a dead negro. Jake said that this was
"pintedly" true, but that he came down again as his captain was going up
who told him when he had fairly lit to "charge bagonets." In the
language of the plains this Jake Flowers was an "eye opener." His
personal attractions he said had been spoilt by the blamed war. I am not
sure that the name of Jake Flowers appears upon the bloody roster of
battles lost and won; but for his doings at the Crater fight, so Jake
has observed, historians would have reversed the incidents of that
bloody day.
He claimed always to be the "Survival of the Fittest" and with the blind
faith of the Moslem he believed that there was a "Providence that shapes
our ends, rough hew them as we may."
His favorite posture whenever animated was as follows; he would sit with
his right leg crossed over his left, gently swaying his foot, with his
bearded chin resting reposefully in the palm of his hand, with the fore
and middle finger forming the letter V and pressed to his lips; through
which he would now and then expectorate; the man was also spavined in
the right knee joint that caused him to walk like a sailor on his "sea
legs." Like other men he had his delusions and whether good or evil,
they were the rule of action of his life. Jake was the reinforcement
vehemently demanded in this conjuncture. "With the regulator armed and
equipped, the enemy will flee without taking order as to its line of
march," thought the old man.
"I am utterly bewildered; can you help me Mr. Flowers to drive these
vermin from my home?" he asked the regulator.
"Wall, now," drawled the regulator, "I reckon I mout ef I am not
pestered ur nuthing; which eend do yer expect me to take holt of?"
Jake gave an extra motion to his spavined leg and looked up quizzically
into the rigid face of the old man.
"Clean them out sir, root and branch, if you will, sir!" exclaimed the
Colonel.
"Prezactly so," ejaculated the regulator, "Prezactly so," he reiterated.
"Does yer mean it pine blank, mister?" he again asked.
"Yes, yes, emphatically I do," responded Colonel Seymour.
"Drat my buttons if the thing haint done and did!" the regulator
answered with emphasis and taking his leave observed, "I'll see you
later, mister."
"If I kin regulate this kentry as it had orter to be did, there wont be
a biggerty nigger twixt here and Filadelfy," and he passed into a little
copse of woods that skirted his own humble domain.
The autumn days had come--Nature was preparing a more elaborate toilet
in her great boudoir--replenishing her exhausted stock of aromatics to
besprinkle the fields and forests, the glades and the hills; painting
the leaves with irridescent tints and even the sky with a mellow,
refreshing beauty; and in this excess of toil. Alice saw the handiwork
of Him who holds in the palm of His hand this great sphere.
She looked upward to the twinkling stars and it seemed to her as if God
had relumed the heavens with a brightly diffused glow of love. God the
Creator and man the creature--the Sovereign and the rebel, brought into
apposition with each other through the supernal harmonies of His
universal realm.
But the child was sad this beautiful October night. The birds were
nodding quietly in the old rookery; there was no music in the air, for
the winds under a coverlid of emerald and amber and carmine had gone
fast to sleep in the trees, and the tintinnabulation of the little bells
in the meadows had ceased altogether.
"If I could whisper to the stars what I would like to have them know of
my unhappy life they would sympathize and perhaps they would whisper
back.
"Poor forlorn child! How we pity you!"
"Tomorrow," she said reflectively, "I shall be twenty-four years of age,
and oh, how all encompassing has been the evil. Every picture that
glides athwart my heart is broken: every idol that I have fondly loved
is nothing more than an effigy. Delusions follow delusions; what is life
but a burden? If we look forward there are demons: if we look backward
there are coffins."
The poor wearied girl, sad and without hope, fell asleep in her mother's
chair as softly as if the angels were rocking the dear old chair and
singing the old nursery lullabies; they must have kissed her heavy
eyelids down; so profound, so tranquil was her slumber.
When she awoke the little birds were singing as cheerily all around her
in the magnolias and oaks as if their little tongues were touched with
the spirit of her happy dreams.
The cloud that overcast her face was gone and she went into the kitchen
where Clarissa was absorbed in her duties.
Clarissa exclaimed as she entered the kitchen, "Miss Alice, whar in de
name ob commun sense has yer been all dis time? Here I's been a cummun
and ergwine, a ransackin dis house high and low fur yer. Didn't yer heer
me callin yer, missis? I spishuned yar wus in ole marser's room fast
asleep."
Alice was obliged to confess, a little shamefacedly, that she had fallen
asleep in the little alcove in the verandah and had slept so soundly
that she heard no noises until awakened by the twittering of the birds
in the over-arching bower.
"Sakes alive, missis," exclaimed Clarissa "sum ob dese nites a grate big
snake is ergwine to drap rate down into yer lap und sting yer moest to
def. How dos yer feel missis arter dis toxication?" the negress asked
solicitously.
"Quite well, I thank you, Clarissa, my sleep was ever so refreshing,"
replied Alice smilingly.
"What does yer fink dem pizened yung warmints dud and dun yestiddy? Yu
knowed ole Bob Sal, dat ar ole fafeful mousin cat of ourn? Whar yer fink
I foun dat po ole cat, missis?"
"I am sure I do not know, Clarissa, I hope the negroes have not hurt
him," answered Alice.
"Deed they has too! Drowned to def in de hogshead, wid a brick tied
erround him. Dey is de outdaciousest yunguns I ebber seed in my born
days. Dere haint no telling what dey has dun und gon und dun to dis heer
plantashun, dat dey aint!"
"I am sorry," exclaimed Alice, "Is the cat quite dead, Clarissa?" she
asked.
"Ded!" exclaimed Clarissa, "Sakes alive, ef yer wus to see him yer wud
fink dat he had been ded all his life, dat yer wud. Has yer seen ole
Jube?" Clarissa continued.
"Yes, he is in the verandah," Alice replied.
"Ugh, Ugh! Glad ob dat. Fust fing Jube knows he'll be hobblin er round
on two legs ef he aint kilt rite ded. De outdacious niggers! I wushes
dey wus run outen de lan."
Clarissa heard ole Jube bark, and looking out of the kitchen window she
saw the regulator shuffling along in his slip-shod way with an old
haversack slung over his shoulder coming toward the front verandah and
observed with some perturbation.
"Miss Alice, dos yer know de truf. I'm pintedly skeered ob dat speckled
face white man. He luks pine blank lak de kommisary ob de debbill
hissef. He aint arter no good on dis heer plantashun. De fust fing
enybody knows dere is ergwine to be de biggest flustrashun on dis lan
yer ever heerd in yer born days und nobody is agwine to know de heds nur
tails ov it. Look at dat ar wun eye of his'n farely blazin lak a
log-heep in de new ground in de nite time," and Clarissa shuddered as if
the clutch of the "kommisary" was already upon her.
"I have heard very strange stories about the man" said Alice very
solemnly, as if humoring the ignorant old woman's apprehensions.
"Deed I has too," she replied, "Und if dey is kerrect dat ar creetur
haint no human no how," and Clarissa shuddered again even more
violently; "Hit natally makes my flesh creep lak santipedes," she
exclaimed with fear. "Haint yu dun und heerd how dat Koo-kluck mommucked
up brudder Joshaway, Miss Alice?" asked Clarissa. "'Grate King!' How in
de name of de hebbens dat ole nigger ever retched dry lan eny mo wid all
dat skeer 'pon him, I haint never skivered. He lowed how dat hit wur
provedense, but den twixt me and yu Miss Alice und not to go no fudder,
Joshaway is allus ergwine wun way und provedense de tuther. Yander he
cums now lak wun of dem ole cranksided rare hosses, und I'm ergwine to
fetch him sum wittles rite fo yo eyes und den yu mout ax him fur
yosesef."
Joshua came up quite feebly, swathing his black face with his red
handkerchief and bowed humbly to his former mistress.
"Now yu mout ax him, Miss Alice, arter he wours up dat last moufful, and
I lay hit will fetch de creeps ober yu same as de mash ager."
The old negro seemed very grateful for the appetizing food and in a
heartfelt way thanked Alice over and over again.
"Mout I sing er Mishinary hime, yung missis?" he asked deferentially
after he had eaten the last morsel.
"Yes, indeed," replied Alice "I will be delighted to hear you." And he
sang very plaintively:
"Oh Kanyun, sweet Kanyun when shall I see,
When shall I git dere?"
After he had concluded the song the young lady asked sympathetically,
"I am told that you had quite an unhappy experience at the creek a few
nights ago Uncle Joshua? Can you tell me about it?" Joshua groaned and
then answered with a display of feeling.
"Twas wusser dan er sperience, yung missis," as he wiped the
perspiration from his face, "twas een wusser dan er yuthshake. Grate
Jarryko! 'twas een mo wusser dan de war."
"Ugh! Ugh! I tole yu so!" ejaculated Clarissa.
"But den," continued the old negro "Hit mouter been een wusser ef
provedense hadn't pinted dese heer foots to de hilands."
"Grate King!" again exclaimed Clarissa; "How cum yu flounderin erbout in
dat dere cole warter dat time of nite, brudder Joshaway?"
"How come I dare?" he replied. "Haint yu heerd ob dem evul sperrets in
de Scriptur dat de sliding elder calls de leepers? Well den, dat's how
cum I dare. How cum de koo kluck dare? How cum de drownded nigger dare?
Yu sees, missis, dis heer bellyun haint made mishunarys und possells
outen evybody. Dare's de Mefferdises und de harryticks und de Hardsides,
und when dey's all flung togedder in a loblolly, wid dare grace und dare
fafe und dare speriences, dat's de werry bestest time dese leepers has
fur dare Crismus, er probin disserway und datterway, kase dem dare
leepers dey spishuns dat whay dare is sich a mixtry ob de lams ob de
flock dare's bleeged ter be now und den er harrytick; dey sees sum ob de
lams er runnin wid grace und tuther wuns er graplin onter provedense,
und den ergin tuther wuns er seein wishuns in de day time, und dem
leepers mout ez soon git tangled up wid er Mishunary ez er harrytick er
Hardside; und dat's how I cum ter git kotched. Don't you see missis?"
"Were you thrown into the water by some evil-designing person, Uncle
Joshua?" asked Alice with a natural inquisitiveness.
Joshua groaned again; "Ugh-h-h-h!" he shuddered.
"Haint yu ergwine ter tell her de fust und last ob it' Joshaway?" asked
Clarissa, impatiently.
"Ef I hed one leetle moufful o' backer hit mout tak de ambishun outen de
tale, und den I mout tell hit mo strater. Haint yu got narry crumb
missis, dat I mout fling ergin dis ole akefied snag? Dare now; dis
backer is sho good! Now den, Sis Clarsy, ef yu ceeses yo mirashuns I'm
ergwine ter tell young missis how it all cum erbout frum de werry fust
mencement ter de latter eend."
"Grate Jarryko! hit puts dese here fousan-leg santypedes er rastlin
under my westcote when I draps back to dat ar casuality. Ugh-h-h-h!" he
shuddered again. "Now den, de tale goes disserway: Dare cum erlong by my
house in de shank of de nite dis yer furriger. I calls him a furriger,
but I spishuns his rite name is Koo-kluck (I'm monstrous skeert o' dat
white man ennyhow)--"
"Ugh-h-h-h!" shuddered Clarissa.
"Und he ups und sez, sez he, 'Joshaway, a woice is ergwine ter cum arter
erwhile to yo house, und don't yu go ergin it, und den I'd no whey de
munny is.' Dem wuz de werry wurds he spoke, missis, bress yo life. Und
den I ups und sez, sez I, How's I ergwine ter tell dat woice frum de
tuther wuns? Kase dare is de hoppergrasses und de cattle beastes er
woicin simultaneous all de time eroun my house; und den he sez, sez he,
'Hits er cummin frum de hellyments.' Jes so. Well den, sho nuff de woice
did cum dat werry nite, pine plank jess lak he sed fur de wurrel, und
hit wur er mity solumkolly woice, same ez de whinkering ob Mars Jon's
wun-eyed mule down in de mash in de snow wen de fodder is all gin out.
Hit called 'Joshaway! Joshaway!' jess lak dat, und Hanner she heerd it,
(peers lak she's allus studdin erbout dem rone hosses und de munny, when
her mind ain't er runnin on de sliden elder und de love feast down at
Filadelfy meetin house), und she ups und sez, sez she, 'Joshaway, is yu
gwine? Yu mout git de munny und den ergin yu moutn't.' But I seed dat
her mouts wuz mo stronger dan her moutn'ts, und I drug de ole happysack
outen de bofat, und den I sez, sez I, yes, I'm ergwine. Und bimeby I
gits ter de crick. Well, de moon hit wur rite over yander under de
seben storrs und peered lake hit wur er larfin und er larfin ter itsef
wid er mouf dat retched frum yur to yur und wun eye shot rite tite.
"Dare wuz de line tide ter de willer tree sho nuff, jess lak hit sed,
und hit peered lak hit were er tusselin wid a mity ambishun wid de
drownded happysack, er shassain disserway und den ergin datterway, lak
yu seed wun o' dese cow-eetch wines fo now er raslin in a mill race; und
I sez to mysef, sez I, Joshaway, yu's got a sho nuff bite dis time, und
hit haint er catfish nudder, nur hit aint er allynipper."
"Oh, my hebbens!" again vociferated Clarissa.
"Und den I drug und drug und drug, und bimeby I seed dat fish's two
eyes. Ugh-h-h-h! Und den I drapped back into de crick drownded to def.
Ugh-h-h-h!"
"Grate King," shouted Clarissa. "Wuz yu sho nuff drounded to def,
brudder Joshaway?"
"Und den when I seed dat niggers too eyes of hissen und--ugh-h-h-h!"
"Hung to de hook!" shrieked Clarissa interrogatively.
"To be sho, to be sho," replied Joshua with irritation; "Duz yu spishun
hit wur hung to de gallus? Und ez I drapped missis, ez I drapped," he
continued, "I flung out dese too hands jess so missis, und kotched holt
of er nudder nigger drounded to def by er sarcumstance dat haint neber
been skivvered."
"Und den yer cum too ergin?" queried Clarissa shaking with excitement.
"Naw chile," Joshua answered with gravity, "I haint neber cum too no mo,
dat I haint."
Jake had another delusion--that to do your work without makin mistakes
"yer must obsarve the consequences."
The old Colonel after he had finished his toilet walked out into the
verandah where he observed Jake ambling toward the house and singing in
a monotone an old army doggerel of questionable merit,
"He who fights and runs away,
Will live to fight another day,
But he who is in battle slain:
Will never live to fight again."
The regulator walked up the stone steps into the verandah with a leer in
his countenance, satan-like in its expression.
Old Jube slunk away with a sidelong glance at the regulator as if he
quite agreed with Clarissa that "He wus not a humans, nohow," and coiled
himself up for the nap that had been needlessly interrupted at the other
end of the verandah.
"Now then sir, how do you propose to proceed in this business?"
"I aint er going to proceed, the percession cums at the latter eend. Now
yer just hold yer breath, mister, twill I fix my curlecules, and then
you can crack your whip and the percession will start to the cemetery
with music by the band."
The regulator filled a doubled barrel army canteen full of gunpowder,
and attached to it a fuse that would burn half an hour before exploding.
After doing this he said to the Colonel,
"When yer sees the Yankee school-marm er coming just call off the cussed
niggers, twill I can plant hit."
Colonel Seymour drew from his pocket a dozen or more pennies as he
caught sight of the school marm riding down the road in her dogcart.
"Here, ye varmints!" he cried, and he threw one piece of money at the
time in the grass and the negroes scrambled for it like a flock of geese
over scattered grains of corn.
Simultaneously with the stroke of the old-fashioned clock, came an
explosion that recalled the Crater with all its horrors to the
regulator.
Clarissa ran out of the kitchen screaming, "Murder! Fire! the Yankees is
er comin. Great king, mars Jon, de ruf and de chimney on de offis is dun
blowed clean erway. In de name of Gord, what wus dat, ole marsa? Grate
Jerusalam! which er way did dat harrykin cum from? De road is fairly er
workin wid yung niggers widdout arms or legs ergwine er bellering every
which erway. Fo Gord, de last time I seed dat er Yankee wumun she wus er
flying fru de medder lak er white herrun!"
After the smoke of battle had cleared the regulator sneaked up to the
Colonel with a broad grin upon his face with the enquiry, "Did I do that
er job kerrect, mister?"
[Illustration: "I'm ergwine back lak dat prodigle man dat et up dem corn
cobs way out yander to de tuther eend o' de yearth."]