A POLITICIAN OF THE NEW SCHOOL.
Uncle Joshua was the color guard in a volunteer company of negroes,
whose muster roll, like a thermometer, ran up into the nineties. As he
shook out the folds of the scarlet-veined banner of the free one morning
in his cabin, he observed to his old wife, "Hit peers lak dat dare wus
ernudder wun o' dem possels, ef my membrunce sarves me rite, dat toted
de flag fur Ginrul Farryo when he wus er heppin disserway und datterway
froo de dessart; but I moest furgit dat gemman's name. Twant Absurdam,
I'm moest sho, und hit twant Jack-in-de-bed, nudder. Duz yu reckermember
dat possel, Hanner? Yu und de locus preacher is erquainted wid all dem
aintshunts."
"Umph!" grunted Hanna, "yu's gwine fur back fur sumbody to tote de flag.
Ef yu hez gin out why don't you fling hit over to Efrum? Ur is yu aiming
ter immertate dat aintshunt?"
"Grate Jarryko!" exclaimed Joshua, irritated by such a question. "Duz yu
see dat fodder foot, und duz yu see dat shuck foot? Well, den, when de
leftenant sez 'hep, hep, hep, hep, hep--fodder foot, shuck foot!' I'm
ergwine ter fling dem footsies out disserway--see? Und I'm ergwine ter
tote ole glory fo und aft, jess so, twell I gits ter be de ginrul, und
den I'm ergwine ter fling dem identikle footses in de saddle, disserway,
und uprare de rone on his hine shanks, jess lak dat."
"Umph!" grunted ole Hannah, "To be sho yu's jess rivved out o' de
babboon show! Yu's er sho nuff limber Jack--jest ez suple ez a yurling
gote, ebery bit und grane!"
"Now, den," continued Joshua, without heeding the ridiculous
interruption, "I wuz studdin up dat possel, when you flung yo mouf inter
de argyment."
"Wuz dat gemman a Mefodis ur Mishunary?" inquired Hannah, provokingly.
"Grate Jarryko! How's I ergwine to know dis fur back? Kin I skiver er
humans clean clar ercross de dissart, und retch back ter de eend o' de
yeth, wid dese wun-eyed specks? Ef he hilt on to grace, he wur a shoutin
Mefodis; und ef he run wid Proverdense, he wur a Mishunary; und ef he
hilt on ter sumfin wusser, he wur a harrytick. Dat's ez fur ez I'm
gwine, doubt I node fur sartin. I'm moest sho, do, he wur a Mishunary,
kase he didn't drap back when he cum in contack wid de water."
"Grate king!" snapped Hannah, as she kindled into a passion. "Wuz yu
dare? Yu talks lak dare warnt no Mefodis mixed up wid dem harryticks;
gwine on wid yer warter in de bilin dissart! Better git de Zion bushup
to larn yu de scriptur."
"Oh, my sole!" groaned Joshua. "Ef hit warnt fer de Mishunarys in dis
Soufland, dare mout be a wusser war dan ole Jeff Davis de secesh's. I'm
ergwine ter ax yer wun pint mo, und den me und Ole Glory is ergwine ter
hit de grit fur de conwenshun. Which wun o' dem slidin elders o' yourn
hilt a confurence in dat dissart whey dare warnt no warter, und no
chickens nudder, und whay de po parished up Mishunary hed to furrige er
roun fer dare dinner? Now den!"
There were shops and bazaars scattered here and there about the public
streets of the shire town within the recesses of which sat colored women
selling their merchandise; now and then accentuating some passing
pageant by the clapping of hands and other noisy demonstrations. There
were disorderly, ruffianly negroes, in greasy uniforms, neither
brigaded or disciplined, patrolling the country, discharging their
muskets at random; and about the premises of Colonel Seymour there was a
squad, more or less menacing, marching and counter-marching in the
carriage way near the mansion, and the old man in his desperation cried
out "Oh that I could gird the sword upon my thigh, like the man Barak,
and could smite these devils to the earth."
"Mars Jon," interrupted Clarissa, "yer mout as well let dese devilis
niggers lone; de Lord is agwine to slam dem to de yearth fore dey knows
it; he is agwine to vour dem up lak hoppergrasses; day a ransakin all
ober creashun fur franksized niggers to wote de yaller ticket in de
convenshun; mout as well hab so many billy goats a wotin fur ole Abrum
Laffin, de meanest, low downest scalyhorg in de wurrel. Yander goes ole
Joshaway now, wid ole glory strode er roun him, steppin lak a rare-hoss
ober de tater ridges agwine to de town." And she pointed to a group of
four crossing the field from Joshua's cabin, marching under the stars
and stripes, that swung lifelessly over old Joshua's right shoulder. We
had just as well go with Joshua and witness the proceedings. The first
observation the old negro made as he came up was this, "How much is de
boss agwine to gib fur wotin fur him to go to de legislatur?"
"Agwine to giv yer, yer axes," replied a partisan of Laflin. "Yer dun
und got freedom, haint yer? yer dun und jined de milintary cumpny, haint
yer? Yer is de most selfishes nigger dat I ebber seed. Is yer aimin to
git de whole kommisary flung in? What mo dos yer speck?" continued the
black partisan. Freedom haint nebber made de pot bile at my house nary
time, und it haint nebber fotched no sweetenin dar, und it haint put no
sperrets in de jimmyjon, und it haint nebber sot out no taters nudder,
und wid all dis lustration in de land, it haint agwine too, nudder. Jess
as well be a naked snow-bird wid nary whing as wun ob dese franksized
niggers. Too much freedom in de lan now, und not nuff horgs and
catfishes. I'se been a wotin und a wotin eber since de belyun fell--a
trapsing to de town bakkards und furruds, und I haint nebber got nuffin
but freedom yit--not eben de rappins ob my little finger; und I has been
hep, hep, hep, hep, heppin in de miluntary cumpny ober tater ridges und
fru de brier patches und de skeeters, und de cap'in haint nebber said
nary time, Joshaway, I'm agwine to put yaller upperlips on yer jacket,
und I'm agwine ter gib yer a sord wid a wheel. Nary time hab de boss
axed me how much meal I had in de gum, ur how much taters I hab in de
hill; und I haint nebber had but wun little speck ob munny sense freedom
cum in de lan, und den it wus Federick munny. Ef I dont git nuffin
bettern dat I has got, und dat mity quick, dis po nigger is agwine to
drap outer de ranks into de sametary. Dis here war has turned loose a
passel ob niggers all ober de kentry wid dere freedum und muskets, und
bress Gord dere aint nary turkle in de swamp, nur catfish nudder, yu
mout say; und eben de sparrers when dey sees a nigger a cummin shakes
his tail, und sais 'ugh, ugh; I'm agwine erway frum here.' Ole mars Jon
had rudder de hoppergrasses wud kivver de hole lan, und de tarypin bugs
too. Eber time de boss gits lected he ups and sezs, sez he, 'Josh, de
nex time I runs I'm agwine to make yer er magistreet, so yer kin sot on
white fokses, und bress de Lord, dat time haint nebber cum yit.'"
"Shut dat big mouf ob yourn," sharply commanded Laflin's constituent.
"I haint agwine to do dat, nudder," saucily replied the old negro. "Ef
de boss don't gib me er dram, ur sumfing when I gits to town, I'm
agwine to wote fur tuther man. De ole ooman tole me to ax de boss fur a
kaliker kote; sed how dat she wus jam nigh as ragged as a skeer-crow.
Hanner is a gitten monstrus tired ob freedom, und dese franksized
niggers--yer heers my racket. Aye! aye," he exclaimed patriotically,
"dars ole glory now a shinin froo de trees," and with that the bandy
shanked negro cut a pigeon wing in the middle of the road; and sure
enough, the banner of the free, displaying its broad stripes and bright
stars was nodding its welcome to its African heroes, who had worked out
their emancipation with ploughshares and scythe blades.
"I knows," the negro continued in rapture, "when I sees dat butifullest
flag er wavin und see-sawin dat dere is bound to be a stummic full ob
good whittles sumwheres, but I's monstrous skeert hits agwine to gib out
fore hit gits to me." And just now the faintest tintinnabulation of an
asthmatic brass band broke upon old Joshua's ear like the sound of a
dinner horn, on a long, dry summer day. Joshua braced up for the home
stretch and began to take long slouchy strides, as if he were on the old
parade ground again. Calling out to his comrades "Forrud, march to de
town; hep, hep, hep, hep, hep, eyes to de front, charge, bagonets!" As
he approached the rallying ground of the Laflin hosts, a recruiting
agent from Laflin's opponent, took him by the arm and said
patronizingly, "Let me put a bug in your ear, ole man."
Joshua jerked away with the startled cry "No sar, no sar, don't do dat
white man, kase I kaint heer good no how, und ef yer puts dat ar bug in
my yeer, how in de name ob Gord is I ebber agwine to git him outen dere
eny more, and hit mout be a horned bug ur a stingin bug. I'll fite eny
man dat puts a bug in my yeer, dat I will; stan back, white man; dont
cum nigh me wid nun ob dem creeturs."
"You don't understand me, my friend" replied the scalawag, "our side are
home folks, bred and born right here, and we know what we can do for our
colored friends when we get to the legislature, and we are going to buy
plantations for our men, and we are going to make our old friends like
you sheriffs."
"Dats a mity heep ob promisin, white man," replied the negro
suspiciously, "How menny shurrufs is yer agwine to hab in dis county?"
"Forty seven," replied the Scalawag.
"How menny jail houses is yer agwine to hab," asked the negro.
"We are going to do away with the jails," said he.
"Is?" exclaimed Joshua in surprise. "Ugh, Ugh! forty-leven shurrufs in
dis county und all clecting taxes at wun time, Grate Jarryko, dar wont
be nary tater, nur nary horg, nur nary ole settin hin--nur nary nigger
in sebenteen fousan miles ob dis place. Saks a live, white man, dos yer
aim to massercree fokes fo und aft? Whar wus yer when dey fit de war
enny how?"
"Oh, I was at home raising breadstuffs for the poor," he answered.
"Raisin which fur de po, boss?" enquired Joshua.
"Breadstuffs," he replied.
"Und did de po git dey share?" asked Joshua.
"Yes, indeed," the scalawag answered.
"Und wus yer in de pennytenshun when yer raised dat truck?" further
enquired Joshua.
"No, indeed," he said.
Joshua gazed comically into the face of the politician as he said;
"Lemme look at yu rite good wid boff eyes, wid dese ole specks on,
disserway; dare. Haint I seed yu afore?"
"Perhaps so; I cant say" replied the scalawag furtively.
"Ugh! Ugh!" exclaimed Joshua.
"Haint I seed yu at Zion's meeting house wun time, at de stracted
meetin? Dat time sister Cloe drapped back into er concushun und yu wuz
de yarb doctor dat fotched her too, und yu tuck yo pay outen de munny
dat wuz gwine to de orfins?"
"No, no, you are thinking of some one else I am sure."
"Und hit warnt yu nudder dat drunk up de sakryment de dekons stode away
under de mussy seat?"
"No, indeed! why do you ask such a question?"
"Kase," replied Joshua quite saucily, "dem dare too eyes of yourn puts
me in membrance of dat scalyhorg in de scriptur whay wuz drug outer de
kote house ded, him und Sofy Mariah, too, kase day made er mis hit
erbout dat lan."
"Oh Jerusalem!" retorted the scalawag "Lets get back to the subject."
"Jess so! Jess so!" exclaimed Joshua, laughing, "yu sees yu's dun und
kotched, und yu aims to drap back in de convenshun agen."
"We pay one dollar in gold and a jug of whisky to every Laflin man that
votes with us. Do you hear?" observed the scalawag.
"Now yer is er a gettin down to de pint," exclaimed the negro smiling.
"Is yer man agwine to git lected?"
"Certainly, certainly, sir."
"Dats all right, den, when dos I git de munny und de sperrits, fore I
wotes ur arterwurds?" asked Joshua dubiously.
"We don't pay in advance," replied the scalawag.
"Don't, hey?" exclaimed Joshua.
"Well Laflin, he do, und I mout wote fore I git de pay, und yer man
mout not git lected, den my wote wud be flung away, und de munny und de
sperrits too, dats de pint. Yer see, boss," Joshua continued
argumentatively, "us franksized woters is bleeged to make er leetle
kalkerlashun und den ef we gits disappinted its kase de white fokses
obersizes de niggers. Don't yer see how de cat is agwine to jump, boss?"
he whispered confidentially, "yer mout put de spirits in de jimmyjon
now, und I mout take a drap ur too fore I wotes und yer mout hold back
de munny twelt yer man is lected; how dos dat do?"
"All right," announced the scalawag. "You come with me." And old Joshua
in his "hop, step and go fetchit" way followed the politician until he
brought up squarely against one of Laflin's lieutenants, who took him
savagely by the limp paper collar.
"Wher's yer agwine lak a struttin turkey gobbler, wid dat white man, yer
fool nigger? Don't yer know dat ar white trash will put yer back in
slabery?"
The rival candidates were running for the legislature. On one side of
the court house square were aligned the adherents of Laflin, the
carpet-bagger; on the other side the adherents of Hale the scalawag. Each
was haranguing the black sovereigns of the South--men who in other
fields had toiled ever so hard for their country, but whose hands were
unskilled, and whose minds were untutored in this the grandest of human
endeavors--the building up of an immense superstructure that shall stand
"four square to all the winds that blow."
Each candidate had his claquers, slipping into rough, horny hands the
paper representative of manhood, intellectual, patriotic
manhood--manhood compromised by no overt act of treason.
Every star and every stripe upon that magnificent banner just overhead
accentuated the fact that in devious wanderings over blood stained
battle fields, fire scathed villages, homes and plantations it had
followed manhood suffrage as faithfully as it did the tithing agent
throughout the South. Suspended above the heads of the free men, across
the street, was this blood-red warning "No man shall vote here who
followed Lee and Jackson." Vain delusion; as if there could be treason
under that flag; or traitors lurking in its shadows like mad Malays!
Stranger still, that the dust of Jackson should re-animate hearts that
had been broken in a catastrophe, too terrible to be uttered by
patriots. Strangest of all, that living heroes should gather at a
banquet where toasts were spoken in frantic curses of the brave by
fanatics! To the right were barrels of whiskey on tap; to the left were
huge piles of yellow tickets with appropriate devices upon them; and to
the front waved over a bloodless conquest the "Star Spangled banner,"
just as triumphantly as it did at the head of the charging battalions of
Lee and Jackson in Mexico, just as proudly as when the Southern cross
yielded its sovereignty upon the ill-starred field of Appomattox.
Crimsoned to a deeper blush to-day methinks because it is made to
dishonor Lee and Jackson, who shall live forever in the pantheon of
history--as men worthy of emulation, as heroes whose fame is already
written upon amaranthine tablets.
"Who sees them act but envies every deed--
Who hears them groan and does not wish to bleed;
Great men struggling with the storms of state,
And greatly fallen with a falling state."
"Welcome, my son, here lay him down, my friends,
Full in my sight, that I may view at leisure
The bloody corse and count those glorious wounds.
How beautiful is death when earned by virtue."
About high noon Joshua, with his old beaver caved in on both sides and
one skirt of his blue coat torn away, was seen to oscillate, as it were,
betwixt the whiskey barrel on the Laflin side and the rum barrel on
Hales' side, and doubtless, so far as his vote was concerned, preserving
a strict neutrality, that is to say, in the plantation language of the
old negro, "Bress de Lawd, I was so flushtrated wid dat meextry o' rum
und sperrits dat I flung in six wotes fur de cyarpet-sacker und er eben
haf dozen fur de scalyhorg." The result officially declared, made the
agreement between Joshua and Hales' manager about the payment of money
"arter yo man is dun und lected" a nude pact.
Laflin was nominated, and in his address to his constituents flattered
himself that the nomination came unsought and with practical unanimity.
"Our enemies," said he, "shall feel our power, and you will be asked to
co-operate in such manner as will place you above them in this
government. Can I depend on you?"
"Dat yer kin!" came from a hundred throats. "Hurrah for de boss! He is
de ginrul fur dis kentry, und he will lick out de white trash! Yes
siree!"
Such were the exclamations that deafened the ear and horrified the
sense. Joshua was too drunk to be offensively partisan. He lay in the
street waving his old beaver hat and hurrahing the best he could for
Laflin, as he held on to "de jimmyjon," and singing in a drunken,
maudlin way--
"Dis jug lak a ribber is er flowin,
Und I don't keer how fast it flows on boys, on;
While de korn in de low groun is er growin,
Und dis mouf ketch de stuff as it runs."
When Joshua got home next morning the sun was blazing like a great ball
of fire from the mid-heavens. Both skirts of his old blue coat were
gone. His old beaver was flopping and hung limp and crownless over his
right eye, and his old wife paused in her work in her garden to observe
the dilapidated negro as he approached his cabin. She could hear him
muttering to himself, "Talk erbout de niggers ergwine ter de conwenshun,
und er runnin dis here kentry, und er gittin de eddykashun und er bossin
de white fokeses, ef ennybody is er mint ter gin me wun dollar fer my
pribileges, I'm ergwine ter sell out, und I mout tak pay in Federic
munny."
"Ergwine ter sell out, is yer!" exclaimed Hannah with a grunt.
Joshua looked up startled, and pushing the broken brim of his old hat
from his eyes, he saw it was Hannah who had interrupted his soliloquy,
and she continued in ridicule, "Yu is too brash, Joshaway; yer mout git
ter be presydent, den yer cud git er cote wid two skurts to hit. Yu keep
er wotin und er wotin, und bimeby yu is ergwine ter be wun ob dem
Mishunary possels wid whings, same ez er blue herron."
Joshua saw that his wife was making him ridiculous, and he slunk away
into the old cabin and fell asleep upon the rickety bed.