IS there not a bit of SYDNEY SMITH'S, wherein that divine, describing a
Scottish rising against English tyranny, says that SAWNEY betook himself
to the heather, and, having scratched himself with one hand, and cast up
an account with the other, suddenly waxed furious, and drew his sword?
We hope that certain Transatlantic friends of ours will not bring in so
tremendous a bill against us, as to make it cheaper for us to fight than
to pay. For we love them very much, but we are obliged to be awfully
economical in these Gladstonian days.
* * * * *
=Mathematical Intelligence.=
IT would puzzle a Senior Wrangler to find out how to square a circle.
Yet TOMKINS Junior says that, though he is only twelve years old, he
will back himself on any given morning to get round a square.
* * * * *
[Illustration: ----"WE ARE SUCH STUFF AS DREAMS ARE MADE OF----"
_Tempest._]
* * * * *
=EVENINGS FROM HOME.=
THE next place of Amusement to which MR. BARLOW took his two young
pupils was the STRAND THEATRE. Here they saw _Arion, or the Story of a
Lyre_, and were highly diverted with the two Showmen, played by MESSRS.
PAULTON and TERRY, whose duet of "_Walk Up and See my Show_," they so
vehemently applauded as to draw forth a reproof from their worthy
preceptor, who, however, on observing that these comedians seemed to be
possessed of an inexhaustible stock of fresh verses applicable to the
circumstances of the times, was induced to join TOMMY and HARRY in the
commendations which were most liberally bestowed by the audience upon
this portion of the performance. On returning to their lodgings both
TOMMY and HARRY, neither of whom had up to this time ever evinced any
musical capacity, attempted to recall the pleasing airs they had heard
at the Strand Theatre, and only ceased from their praiseworthy
endeavours on receiving MR. BARLOW'S promise that he would take them
again to witness the same piece, if TOMMY (whose father, being a very
wealthy man, had recently bestowed upon his son a handsome Christmas
gratuity) would pay for three stalls, or at least three places, in the
Dress Circle.
* * *
On the following night they went to the PRINCESS'S, to see MR. WATTS
PHILLIPS'S play of _On the Jury_, followed by a Pantomime called _Little
Dicky Dilver_.
At the entrance to the Stalls a civil person relieved them of their
overcoats and hats; and TOMMY, upon whom his tutor's example, on the
occasion of their visit to Drury Lane, had not been lost, expressed his
gratitude to the honest stranger in the most affectionate manner.
TOMMY now discovered a further opportunity of making himself acquainted
with the science of Astronomy, which he had already set himself
diligently to learn.
_Mr. Barlow._ At this theatre you will behold a constellation of talent.
_Tommy._ But pray, Sir, what is a "constellation"?
"Persons," answered MR. BARLOW, "have observed certain stars remarkable
either for their brightness or position, or both. These stars, joined
together, are termed 'constellations.' Here you have three Stars--MR.
WEBSTER, MR. PHELPS, and MISS FURTADO."
_Tommy._ Then these are, as you say, Sir, "remarkable for their
brightness or position."
_Mr. Barlow._ Yes. And in time, no doubt, I shall be able to make you
acquainted with the names and the appearance of all the Stars in London.
_Tommy._ Sir, I am much obliged to you, indeed. But of what use is it to
know the Stars?
_Mr. Barlow._ There are some, and those very important, uses to be
derived from an acquaintance with the Stars. HARRY, do you tell MASTER
MERTON the story of _The Free Admission and the Grateful Turk_.
HARRY was commencing the story when the curtain, being drawn up,
disclosed to them the First Scene of _On the Jury_.
_Mr. Barlow._ This would indeed be a very good piece, but for faulty
construction. Yet, for epigrammatic dialogue and dramatic situations, it
has not, at this present moment, its equal in town. You have been
silent, TOMMY, for some time.
_Tommy._ Indeed, Sir, I never was more surprised or diverted; and as for
one of your Stars, MISS FURTADO,--Dear Heart! I protest I could watch
her every evening with the greatest delight.
MR. BARLOW, observing his pupil's excitement, laughed at TOMMY in his
usual good-natured manner, and pointed out to him the example of the
poor Greenlanders as worthy of his imitation.
"What is that, Sir?" inquired TOMMY.
"They are brought up to so much moderation and self-command," said MR.
BARLOW, "that they never give way to the sudden impulses of passion so
common among Europeans. And see, you have split your new white kid
gloves in applauding this young lady." Then turning to HARRY, he asked
him if he had not been touched by the acting of MR. WEBSTER in this
piece.
_Harry._ Indeed, Sir, I pitied him from my heart. _Mr. Tibbetts_ was a
hardly-used gentleman. And I think that no one could have played more
admirably than the gentleman who took the part of _Dexter Sanderson,
Esq._
_Mr. Barlow._ You mean MR. PHELPS, and you are right. It is indeed a
fine piece of acting. There is so much breadth, and yet such a thorough
finish, in this performance, that it would be worth the while of many of
our younger actors (who flatter themselves on their consummate art, in
consequence of having been unduly praised for their few achievements) to
come here and take a lesson from MR. PHELPS.
MR. BARLOW added that it was a pity so excellent a piece should be
wellnigh spoiled by the introduction of a vulgar Sensation Scene, and
its construction marred by the awkward contrivance in the last Act. He
further complained that it should be thought necessary to commence it at
seven, and to supplement such an attraction, as this ought to be, with a
Pantomime.
TOMMY and HARRY were not, however, of his mind upon this point, and
insisted upon stopping to see the _Clown_. They were somewhat
disappointed with the Pantomime, but professed themselves prodigiously
delighted with MR. LLOYD'S scenery.
On coming out, an obliging official handed to them their overcoats,
wrappers, and hats. TOMMY'S little heart was much affected by this
kindly attention; so, pulling out his purse, he poured its contents
(four bright new farthings and three peppermint lozenges) into the
honest fellow's hand, saying, "Here, my good man, take this, and Heaven
bless you!" It is impossible to express the surprise of the poor man at
the sight. He stared wildly round him, and would have fallen but for the
tender support of his assistant, who imagined that his companion had
lost his senses. But the man cried out, "O, WILLIAM, I am not mad! See
what Providence has sent us by the hands of this little angel!" Saying
this, he held up the money and the lozenges. But TOMMY went up to them
both, and said, "My good friends, you are very welcome to this: I freely
give it to you. Spend the money soberly; and, for the lozenges, give
them to your children, if you have any, or suck them yourselves in your
leisure moments." Before the entranced officials, who were totally
unaccustomed to receive such benefactions, could dry their tears, TOMMY
was out of sight, having followed MR. BARLOW and HARRY to the door.
* * *
MR. BARLOW now took MASTER TOMMY and HARRY to EVANS'S Supper Rooms, to
enter which place they had to pay a shilling apiece. This troubled their
worthy preceptor, who, indeed, was painfully struck, as he informed his
young friends, by the altered aspect of the interior. MR. BARLOW
explained to them that in _his_ time the room was snug, cosy, and
comfortable, and only one quarter of its present size. That _then_ there
were neither carpet nor tavern-like mirrors. "True," said MR. BARLOW,
"that all that was objectionable in the entertainment of former days has
long ere this disappeared, and now I see there is a gallery where the
"opposite sex," in very private boxes, can, like fairy sprites, sit
invisible, and listen to mortal melody. In the old time," continued MR.
BARLOW, "you were welcomed by the Proprietor as a personal friend, who
would call JOHN to get the hot chop or kidneys for you at once, and give
the order himself, returning to see if you were comfortably served. Then
the waiters flew, and to command was to have. Now, TOMMY, observe I have
spoken to these waiters, and have ordered my supper more than twenty
minutes since, and it has not appeared. See MR. GREEN himself" (the
veteran here came up, and having affectionately greeted his dear boys,
MASTERS SANDFORD and MERTON, wandered away to another part of the room),
"he is no longer Proprietor; he is only nominally in authority, his
occupation is, in effect, gone; he is the only connecting link between
the past and present EVANS'S, 'retained,' to quote his own immortal line
about the lamented VON JOEL, 'on the establishment, in consequence of
his long services.'"
So affected were both HARRY and TOMMY by MR. BARLOW'S discourse that
they begged to be allowed to quit a place which only aroused so much
sadness in the breast of their beloved preceptor. As they were leaving,
MR. BARLOW paid a shilling for some refreshment which he had taken,
whereupon the waiter begged to be remembered, which MR. BARLOW, being
blessed with a good memory, willingly consented to do. But the waiter
candidly explaining that he was expecting a trifle for his trouble, MR.
BARLOW could not refrain from expostulating with the honest fellow on
the absurdity of such a system, and informed the boys, that, in the old
and palmy days of EVANS'S there was no charge for admission, and the
attention bestowed on visitors being admirable, it was a pleasure to
bestow some gratuity upon the attendants, which was always received by
the money collector at the door with a grateful "I thank you, Sir. Good
night, Sir."
While MR. BARLOW was thus addressing MASTERS HARRY and TOMMY, the waiter
was summoned to a distant quarter of the room, whereupon they ascended
the steps, and found themselves in the Piazza of Covent Garden.
"Farewell, EVANS'S!" said MR. BARLOW, sadly; "I know not that I shall
darken thy doors again!"
"What you were saying, Sir," observed HARRY on their reaching their
lodgings, "reminds me of the story of _Tigranes and the Amphibious
Black_."
_Mr. Barlow._ I do not think TOMMY MERTON has heard it.
_Harry._ Well, you must know, MASTER TOMMY----
But TOMMY had gone straight up-stairs to bed.
MR. BARLOW, who knew the story by heart, having, indeed, himself told it
to MASTER HARRY, then took his candle, and wishing HARRY a very good
night, retired.
* * * * *