I shall expose myself, dear Chamisso, to your criticism, and not seek to
elude it. I have long visited myself with the heaviest judgment, for I
have fed the devouring worm in my heart. This terrible moment of my
existence is everlastingly present to my soul; and I can contemplate it
only in a doubting glance, with humility and contrition. My friend, he
who carelessly takes a step out of the straight path, is imperceptibly
impelled into another course, in which he will be deluded farther and
farther astray. For him in vain the pole-star twinkles in the heavens;
there is no choice for him; he must slide down the declivity, and offer
himself up to Nemesis. After the false and precipitate step which had
brought down the curse upon me, I had daringly thrust myself upon the
fate of another being. What now remained, but where I had sowed
perdition, and prompt salvation was urgent--again blindly to rush forward
to save?--for the last knell had tolled. Do not think so basely of me,
my Chamisso, as to imagine that I should have thought any price too dear,
or should have been more sparing with anything I possessed than with my
gold? No! but my soul was filled with unconquerable hatred towards this
mysterious sneaker in crooked paths. Perhaps I might be unjust to him,
yet my mind revolted against all communication with him. But here, as
often in my life, and generally in the history of the world, an accident
rather than an intention, determined the issue. Afterwards I became
reconciled to myself. I learnt, in the first place, to respect
necessity, and those accidents which are yet more the result of necessity
than any will of our own. Then was I also taught to obey this necessity,
as a wise arrangement of Providence, which sets all this machinery in
action, in which we only co-operate by moving and setting other wheels in
motion. What must be, will happen; what should have been, was; and not
without the intervention of that Providence, which I at last learnt to
reverence in my fate, and in the fate of her who controlled mine.
I know not if I should ascribe it to the strain of my soul under the
pressure of such mighty emotions, or to the exhaustion of my physical
strength, weakened by the unwonted abstinence of the days gone by, or to
that fatal agitation which the approach of this grey adversary produced
through my whole frame; but certain it is, that while preparing to sign,
I fell into a deep swoon, and lay a long time as in the arms of death.
On coming to my recollection, the first tones that reached my ears were
the stamping of feet and cursing. I opened my eyes; it was dark; my
hated companion was there holding me, but scolding thus: "Now, is not
that behaving like a silly old woman? Let the gentleman rise up--conclude
the business--as he intended--or, perhaps he has other thoughts--would
like still to weep." With difficulty I raised myself from the ground
where I lay, and looked silently around me. The evening was advanced;
festive music broke from the brightly-lighted forest-house, and groups of
company were scattered over the garden walks. Some drew near who were
engaged in conversation, and seated themselves on the benches. They
spoke of the nuptials of the daughter of the house with the rich Mr.
Rascal--they had taken place in the morning--all--all was over.
I struck away with my hand from my head the wishing-cap of the instantly-
vanishing unknown one, and fled in silence to conceal myself in the
deepest darkness of the wood, hurrying to the garden gate before Count
Peter's arbour. But my evil genius accompanied me unseen, pursuing me
with bitter words. "This, then, is the reward one is to get for the
trouble of taking care, through the live-long day, of the nervous
gentleman! And I am then to be fooled at last? Very well, very well,
Mr. Wronghead: fly from me, but we are inseparable. You have my gold,
and I your shadow; they leave no rest to either. Did anybody ever hear
of a shadow abandoning its master? Yours draws me after you, till you
condescend to take it again, and I get rid of it. What you have sold, or
neglected to do, of your own free-will, that will you be compelled to
repair with repugnance and weariness; man cannot oppose his destiny." He
continued to talk in the same tone,--I fled from him in vain--he was
always behind me--ever present--and speaking sneeringly of gold and
shadow. I could not repose on a single thought.
Through untrodden, vacant streets, I hastened to my abode. I stood
before it--looked up--and hardly recognized it. Behind the closed
windows no light was burning; the doors were shut--no servants appeared
to be moving. He stood behind me, and laughed aloud. "Ay, ay! but your
Bendel is certainly at home; he was sent hither so thoroughly exhausted,
that no doubt he has carefully kept house." He laughed again--"He will
have some stories to amuse you--take courage. Good night for to-day,
till an early interview."
I rang again, and a light appeared. Bendel asked from within, "who is
there?" When he heard my voice, the poor fellow could scarcely contain
his joy; the door flew open, and we lay weeping in each other's arms. He
was greatly changed--weak and ill. My hair had become wholly grey.
He led me through the vacant chambers to an inner apartment, which
remained furnished. He fetched meat and drink--we sat down--he again
began to weep; he then told me that he had lately beaten the grey-clad
meagre man, whom he had met with my shadow, so lustily and so long, that
he lost all trace of me, and had sunk exhausted to the earth; that
afterwards, not being able to discover me, he had returned home, and that
the mob, excited by Rascal, had raised a tumult, broken the windows of
the house, and given full reins to their love of destruction. Thus they
had rewarded their benefactors. One after another my servants had fled.
The police of the place had ordered me to leave the town as a suspicious
person, allowing me a delay of only four-and-twenty hours to quit their
territory. He had a great deal to add to what I already knew of Rascal's
wealth and espousals. This scoundrel, who had originated all the
proceedings against me, must have possessed my secret from the beginning.
It seemed that, attracted by the gold, he had forced himself upon me, and
had procured a key for that treasure-chest where he laid the foundation
of his fortune, which he now seemed determined to enjoy.
Bendel told me all with abundant tears, and wept anew for joy at seeing
me again, and again possessing me: and he rejoiced that, after all his
fears as to what misfortune might have brought me, he found me bearing
everything with calmness and fortitude; for such was the form in which
despair reigned over me, while I saw gigantic and unchangeable misery
before me. I had wept away all my tears; grief could force out no other
accent of distress from my bosom. I raised against it, coldly and
unconcernedly, my uncovered head.
"Bendel," said I, "you know my fate. Not without certain guilt does the
heavy penalty fall on me. You, innocent being as you are, shall no
longer bind your destiny to mine, I will no longer let it be so. To-night
I will hasten away. Saddle me my horse--I ride alone--you must remain--I
require it. Some chests of gold must yet be here. They are now yours. I
shall wander restlessly through the world; but if a happier day should
dawn, and bliss should again smile upon me, I will faithfully think of
you; for on your faithful bosom I have wept in many a weary, wretched,
sorrowful hour."
The honest fellow obeyed with a broken heart this last command of his
master. It agonized his soul; but I was deaf to his representations and
entreaties, and blind to his tears. He brought the horse to me, I
pressed him while he wept against my breast, sprang into the saddle, and
pursued my way under the mantle of night from the grave of my existence;
indifferent as to the direction my horse might take. On the earth I had
no goal--no wish--no hope.