"Ay, ay, they'll do, won't they?--we'll have some fine fun--give the
girls a party at George's Island--hay-making--green gowns--ha, ha, ha!
I say, your captain shall give us a party at Turtle Cove. We are going
to give the old commissioner a feed at the Rockingham--blow the roof of
his skull off with champagne. Do you dine at Birch Cove to-day? No, I
suppose you are engaged to Miss Maria, or Miss Susan, or Miss Isabella--
ha, sad dog, sad dog!--done a great deal of mischief," surveying me from
head to foot.
I took the liberty of returning him the same compliment; he was a tall,
raw-boned man, with strongly marked features, and a smile on his
countenance that no modest woman could endure. In his person he gave me
the idea of a discharged life-guardsman; but from his face you might
have supposed that he had sat for one of Ruben's satyrs. He was one of
those people with whom you become immediately acquainted; and before I
had been an hour in his company, I laughed very heartily at his jokes--
not very delicate, I own, and for which he lost a considerable portion
of my respect; but he was a source of constant amusement to me, living
as we did in the same house.
I was just going out of the room when he stopped me--"I say, how should
you like to be introduced to some devilish nice Yankee girls, relations
of mine, from Philadelphia? and I should be obliged to you to show them
attention; very pretty girls, I can tell you, and will have good
fortunes--you may go farther and fare worse. The old dad is as rich as
a Jew--got the gout in both legs--can't hold out much longer--nice
pickings at his money bags, while the devil is picking his bones."
There was no withstanding such inducements, and I agreed that he should
present me the next day.
Our dialogue was interrupted by the master of the house and his son, who
gave me a hearty welcome; the father had been a widower for some years,
and his only son Ned resided with him, and was intended to succeed to
his business as a merchant. We adjourned to dress for dinner; our
bedrooms were contiguous and we began to talk of Sir Hurricane.
"He is a strange mixture," said Ned. "I love him for his good temper;
but I owe him a grudge for making mischief between me and Maria;
besides, he talks balderdash before the ladies and annoys them very
much."
"I owe him a grudge too," said I, "for sending me to sea in a gale of
wind."
"We shall both be quits with him before long," said Ned; "but let us now
go and meet him at dinner. To-morrow I will set the housekeeper at him
for his cruelty to her cat; and if I am not much mistaken she will pay
him off for it."
Dinner passed off extremely well. The admiral was in high spirits; and
as it was a bachelor's party, he earned his wine. The next morning we
met at breakfast. When that was over, the master of the house retired
to his office, or pretended to do so. I was going out to walk, but Ned
said I had better stay a few minutes; he had something to say to me; in
fact, he had prepared a treat without my knowing it.
"How did you sleep last night, Sir Hurricane?" said the artful Ned.
"Why, pretty well considering," said the admiral, "I was not tormented
by that old tom-cat. Damn me, sir, that fellow was like the Grand
Signior, and he kept his seraglio in the garret over my bedroom, instead
of being at his post in the kitchen killing the rats that are running
about like coach-horses."
"Sir Hurricane," said I, "it's always unlucky to sailors if they meddle
with cats. You will have a gale of wind, in some shape or another
before long."
These words were scarcely uttered, when, as if by preconcerted
arrangement, the door opened, and in sailed Mrs Jellybag, the
housekeeper, an elderly woman somewhere in the latitude of fifty-five or
sixty years. With a low courtesy and contemptuous toss of her head, she
addressed Sir Hurricane Humbug.
"Pray, Sir Hurricane, what have you been doing to my cat?"
The admiral, who prided himself in putting any one who applied to him on
what he called the wrong scent, endeavoured to play off Mrs Jellybag in
the same manner.
"What have I done to your cat, my dear Mrs Jellybag? Why, my dear
madam," said he, assuming an air of surprise, "what _should_ I do to
your cat?"
"You _should_ have left him alone, Mr Admiral; that cat was my
property; if my master permits you to ill-treat the poultry, that's his
concern; but that cat was mine, Sir Hurricane--mine, every inch of him.
The animal has been ill-treated, and sits moping in the corner of the
fireplace as if he was dying; he'll never be the cat he was again."
"I don't think he ever will, my dear Mrs Housekeeper," answered the
admiral drily.
The lady's wrath now began to kindle. The admiral's cool replies were
like water sprinkled upon a strong flame, increasing its force, instead
of checking it.
"Don't dear _me_, Sir Hurricane. I am not one of _your dears_--your
dears are all in Dutchtown, more shame for you--an old man like you."
"Old man!" cried Sir Hurricane, losing his placidity a little.
"Yes, old man; look at your hair--as grey as a goose's."
"Why, as for my hair, that proves nothing, Mrs Jellybag, for though
there may be snow on the mountains there is still heat in the valleys.
What d'ye think of my metaphor?"
"I am no more a _metafore_ than yourself, Sir Hurricane; but I'll tell
you what, you are a _cock-and-hen_ admiral, a dog-in-the-manger
barrownight, who was jealous of my poor tom-cat, because--I won't say
what. Yes, Sir Hurricane, all hours of the day you are leering at every
young woman that passes out of our windows--and an old man too--you
ought to be ashamed of yourself; and then you go to church of a Sunday,
and cry, `Good Lord, deliver us.'"
The housekeeper now advanced so close to the admiral that her nose
nearly touched his, her arms akimbo, and every preparation for boarding.
The admiral, fearing she might not confine herself to vocality, but
begin to beat time with her fists, thought it right to take up a
position; he therefore very dexterously took two steps in the rear and
mounted on a sofa; his left was defended by an upright piano, his right
by the breakfast table with all the tea-things on it; his rear was
against the wall, and his front depended on himself in person. From
this commanding eminence he now looked down on the housekeeper, whose
nose could reach no higher than the seals of her adversary's watch; and
in proportion as the baronet felt his security, so rose his choler.
Having been for many years proctor at the great universities of
Point-street and Blue-town, as well as member of Barbican and North
Corner, he was perfectly qualified, in point of classical dialect, to
maintain the honour of his profession. Nor was the lady by any means
deficient. Although she had not taken her degree, her tongue from
constant use had acquired a fluency which nature only concedes to
practice.
It will not be expected, nor would it be proper, that I should repeat
all that passed in this concluding scene, in which the housekeeper gave
us good reason to suppose that she was not quite so ignorant of the
nature of the transaction as she would have had us believe.
The battle having raged for half an hour with great fury, both parties
desisted, for want of breath, and consequently of ammunition. This
produced a gradual cessation of firing, and by degrees the ships
separated--the admiral, like Lord Howe on the 1st of June, preserving
his position, though very much mauled; and the housekeeper, like the
_Montague, running down_ to join her associates. A few random shots
were exchanged as they parted, and at every second or third step on the
stairs, Mrs Margaret brought to, and fired, until both were quite out
of range; a distant rumbling noise was heard, and the admiral concluded,
by muttering that she might go --- somewhere, but the word died between
his teeth.
"There, admiral," said I, "did not I tell you that you would have a
squall?"
"Squall! yes--damn my blood," wiping his face; "how the spray flew from
the old beldame! She's fairly wetted my trousers, by God! Who'd ever
thought that such a purring old bitch could have shown such a set of
claws! War to the knife! By heavens, I'll make her remember this."
Notwithstanding the admiral's threat, hostilities ceased from that day.
The cock-and-hen admiral found it convenient to show a white feather;
interest stood in the way, and barred him from taking his revenge. Mrs
Jellybag was a faithful servant, and our host neither liked that she
should be interfered with, or that his house should become an arena for
such conflicts; and the admiral, who was peculiarly tenacious of
undrawing the strings of his purse, found it convenient to make the
first advances. The affair was, therefore, amicably arranged--the
tom-cat was, in consideration of his sufferings, created a baronet, and
was ever afterwards dignified by the title of _Sir H. Humbug_; who
certainly was the most eligible person to select for godfather, as he
had taken the most effectual means of weaning him from "the pomps and
vanities of this wicked world."
It was now about one o'clock, for this dispute had run away with the
best part of the morning, when Sir Hurricane said, "Come, youngster,
don't forget your engagements--you know I have got to introduce you to
my pretty cousins--you must mind your P's and Q's with the uncle, for he
is a sensible old fellow--has read a great deal, and thinks America the
first and greatest country in the world."
We accordingly proceeded to the residence of the fair strangers, who the
admiral assured me had come to Halifax from mere curiosity, under the
protection of their uncle and aunt. We knocked at the door, and the
admiral inquired if Mrs McFlinn was at home; we were answered in the
affirmative. The servant asked our names. "Vice-admiral Sir Hurricane
Humbug," said I, "and Mr Mildmay."
The drawing-room door was thrown open, and the man gave our names with
great propriety. In we walked; a tall grave, looking, elderly lady
received us, standing bolt upright, in the middle of the room; the young
ladies were seated at their work.
"My dear Mrs McFlinn," said the admiral, "how do you do? I am
delighted to see you and your fair nieces looking so lovely this
morning." The lady bowed to this compliment--a courtesy she was not
quite up to--"Allow me to introduce my gallant young friend, Mildmay--
young ladies, take care of your hearts--he is a great rogue, I assure
you, though he smiles so sweet upon you."
Mrs McFlinn bowed again to me, hoped I was very well, and inquired "how
long I had been in these parts."
I replied that I had just returned from a cruise, but that I was no
stranger in Halifax.
"Come, officer," said the admiral, taking me by the arm, "I see you are
bashful--I must make you acquainted with my pretty cousins. This, sir,
is Miss McFlinn--her christian name is Deliverance. She is a young lady
whose beauty is her least recommendation."
"A very equivocal compliment," thought I.
"This, sir, is Miss Jemima; this is Miss Temperance; and this is Miss
Deborah. Now that you know them all by name, and they know you, I hope
you will contrive to make yourself both useful and agreeable."
"A very pretty sinecure," thinks I to myself, "just as if I had not my
hands full already." However, as I never wanted small-talk for pretty
faces, I began with Jemima. They were all pretty, but she was a love--
yet there was an awkwardness about them that convinced me that they were
not of the _bon ton_ of Philadelphia. The answers to all my questions
were quick, pert, and given with an air of assumed consequence; at the
same time I observed a mode of expression, which, though English, was
not well-bred English.
"Did you come through the United States," said I, "into the British
territory, or did you come by water?"
"Oh, by water," screamed all the girls at once, "and _liked_ to have
been eaten up with the nasty roaches."
I did not exactly know what was meant by "roaches", but it was explained
to me soon after. I inquired whether they had seen a British
man-of-war, and whether they would like to accompany me on board of that
which I belonged to? They all screamed out at the same moment--
"No, we never have seen one, and should like to see it of all things.
When will you take us?"
"To-morrow," said I, "If the day should prove fine."
Here the admiral, who had been making by-play with the old chaperon,
turned round and said:--
"Well, Mr Frank, I see you are getting on pretty well without my
assistance."
"Oh, we all like him very much," said Temperance; "and he says he will
take us on board his ship."
"Softly, my dear," said the aunt; "we must not think of giving the
gentleman the trouble until we are better acquainted."
"I am sure, aunt," said Deborah, "we are very well acquainted."
"Then," said the aunt, seeing she was in the minority, "suppose you and
Sir Hurricane come and breakfast with us to-morrow morning at eleven
o'clock, after which we shall be very much at your service."
Here the admiral looked at me with one of his impudent leers, and burst
into a loud laugh; but I commanded my countenance very well, and rebuked
him by a steady and reserved look.
"I shall have great pleasure," said I to the lady, "in obeying your
orders from eleven to-morrow morning till the hour of dinner, when I am
engaged."
So saying, we both bowed, wished them a good morning, and left the room.
The door closed upon us, and I heard them all exclaim--"What a charming
young man!"
I went on board, and told the first lieutenant what I had done; he, very
good-naturedly, said he would do his best, though the ship was not in
order for showing, and would have a boat ready for us at the dockyard
stairs at one o'clock the next day.
I went to breakfast at the appointed hour. The admiral did not appear,
but the ladies were all in readiness, and I was introduced to their
uncle--a plain, civil-spoken man with a strong nasal twang. The repast
was very good; and, as I had a great deal of work before me, I made hay
while the sun shone. When the rage of hunger had been a little
appeased, I made use of the first belle to inquire if a lady whom I once
had the honour of knowing, was any relation of theirs, as she bore the
same name, and came, like them, from Philadelphia.
"Oh, dear, yes, indeed, she is a relation," said all the ladies
together; "we have not seen her this seven years, when did you see her
last!"
I replied that we had not met for some time; but that the last time I
had heard of her, she was seen by a friend of mine at Turin on the Po.
The last syllable was no sooner out of my mouth than tea, coffee, and
chocolate was out of theirs, all spirting different ways just like so
many young grampuses. They jumped up from the table, and ran away to
their rooms, convulsed with laughter, leaving me alone with their uncle.
I was all amazement, and I own I felt a little annoyed.
I asked if I had made any serious _lapsus_, or said anything very
ridiculous or indelicate; if I had, I said I should never forgive
myself.
"Sir," said Mr McFlinn, "I am very sure you meant nothing indelicate;
but the refined society of Philadelphia, in which these young ladies
have been educated, attaches very different meanings to certain words,
to what you do in the old-country. The back settlements, for instance,
so called by our ancestors, we call the western settlements, and we
apply the same term, by analogy, to the human figure and dress. This is
a mere little explanation, which you will take as it is meant. It
cannot be expected that _foreigners_, should understand the niceties of
our language."
I begged pardon for my ignorance; and assured him I would be more
cautious in future. "But pray tell me," said I, "what there was in my
last observation which could have caused so much mirth at my expense?"
"Why, sir," said Mr McFlinn, "you run me hard there; but since you
force me to explain myself, I must say that you used a word exclusively
confined to bed-chambers."
"But surely, sir," said I, "you will allow that the name of a celebrated
river, renowned in the most ancient of our histories, is not to be
changed from such a refined notion of false delicacy?"
"There you are wrong," said Mr McFlinn. "The French, who are our
instructors, in everything, teach us how to name all these things; and I
think you will allow that they understand true politeness."
I bowed to this _dictum_, only observing that there was a point in our
language where delicacy became indelicate; that I thought the noble
river had a priority of claim over a contemptible vessel; and, reverting
to the former part of his discourse I said that we in England were not
ashamed to call things by their proper names; and that we considered it
a great mark of ill-breeding to go round about for a substitute to a
common word, the vulgar import of which a well-bred and modest woman
ought never to have known.
The old gentleman felt a little abashed at this rebuke, and to relieve
him I changed the subject, hoping that the ladies would forgive for this
once, and return to their breakfasts.
"Why, as for that matter," said the gentleman, "the Philadelphia ladies
have very delicate appetites, and I dare say they have had enough."
Finding I was not likely to gain ground on that tack, I steered my own
course, and finished my breakfast, comforting myself that much execution
had been done by the ladies on the commissariat department before the
"Po" had made its appearance.
By the time I had finished, the ladies had composed themselves; and the
pretty Jemima had recovered the saint-like gravity of her lovely mouth.
Decked in shawls and bonnets, they expressed much impatience to be gone.
We walked to the dockyard, where a boat with a midshipman attended, and
in a few minutes conveyed us alongside of my ship. A painted cask
shaped like a chair, with a whip from the main yard-arm, was let down
into the boat; and I carefully packed the fair creatures two at a time,
and sent them up. There was a good deal of giggling, and screaming, and
loud laughing, which rather annoyed me; for as they were not my friends,
I had no wish that my mess-mates should think they belonged to that set
in Halifax in which I was so kindly received.
At length all were safely landed on the quarter-deck, without the
exposure of an ankle, which they all seemed to dread. Whether their
ankles were not quite so small as Mr McFlinn wished me to suppose their
appetites were, I cannot say.
"La, aunt!" said Deborah, "when I looked up in the air, and saw you and
Deliverance dangling over our heads, I thought if the rope was to break,
what a `squash' you would have come on us: I am sure you would have
_paunched_ us."
Determined to have the Philadelphia version of this elegant phrase, I
inquired what it meant, and was informed, that in their country when
anyone had his bowels _squeezed_ out, they called it "_paunching_."
"Well," thought I, "after this, you might swallow the Po without
spoiling your breakfasts." The band struck up "Yankee Doodle," the
ladies were in ecstasy, and began to caper round the quarter-deck.
"La, Jemima!" said Deborah, "what have you done to the western side of
your gown? it is all over white."
This was soon brushed off, but the expression was never forgotten in the
ship, and always ludicrously applied.
Having shown them the ship and all its wonders, I was glad to conduct
them back to the shore. When I met the admiral, I told him I had done
the honours, and hoped the next time he had any female relatives he
would keep his engagements and attend to them himself.
"Why, now, who do you think they are?" said the admiral.
"Think!" said I, "why, who should they be but your Yankee cousins?"
"Why, was you such a damn flat as to believe what I said, eh? Why,
their father keeps a shop of all sorts at Philadelphia, and they were
going to New York on a visit to some of their relatives, when the ship
they were in was taken and brought in here."
"Then," said I, "these are not the _bon ton_ of Philadelphia?"
"Just as much as Nancy Dennis is the _bon ton_ of Halifax," said the
admiral; "though the uncle, as I told you, is a sensible fellow in his
way."
"Very well," said I, "you have caught me for once; but remember, I pay
you for it."
And I was not long in his debt. Had he not given me this explanation, I
should have received a very false impression of the ladies of
Philadelphia, and have done them an injustice for which I should never
have forgiven myself.
The time of our sailing drew near. This was always a melancholy time in
Halifax; but my last act on shore was one which created some mirth, and
enlivened the gloom of my departure. My friend Ned and myself had not
yet had an opportunity of paying off Sir Hurricane Humbug for telling
tales to Maria, and for his false introduction to myself. One morning
we both came out of our rooms at the same moment, and were proceeding to
the breakfast parlour, when we spied the admiral performing some
experiment. Unfortunately for him, he was seated in such a manner, just
clear of a pent-house, as to be visible from our position; and at the
same time, the collar of his coat would exactly intersect the segment of
a circle described by any fluid, projected by us over this low roof,
which would thus act as a conductor into the very pole of his neck.
The housemaid (these housemaids are always the cause or the instruments
of mischief, either by design or neglect) had left standing near the
window a pail nearly filled with dirty water, from the wash-hand basins,
etcetera. Ned and I looked at each other, then at the pail, and then at
the admiral. Ned thought of his Maria: I of my false introduction.
Without saying a word we both laid our hands on the pail, and in an
instant, souse went all the contents over the admiral.
"I say, what's this?" he roared out. "Oh, you damned rascals!"
He knew it could only be us. We laughed so immoderately, that we had
not the power to move or to speak; while the poor admiral was spitting,
spluttering, and coughing, enough to bring his heart up.
"You infernal villains! No respect for a flag officer? I'll serve you
out for this."
The tears rolled down our cheeks; but not with grief. As soon as the
admiral had sufficiently recovered himself to go in pursuit, we thought
it time to make sail. We knew we were discovered; and as the matter
could not be made worse, we resolved to tell him what it was for. Ned
began,--"How do you do, admiral? you have taken a shower-bath this
morning."
He looked up, with his teeth clenched--"Oh, it's you, is it? Yes, I
thought it could be no one else. Yes, I have had a shower-bath, and be
damned to you, and that sea devil of a friend of yours. Pretty pass the
service has come to, when officers of my rank are treated in this way.
I'll make you both envy the tom-cat."
"Beware the housekeeper, admiral," said Ned. "Maria has made it up with
me, admiral, and she sends her love to you."
"Damn Maria."
"Oh, very well, I'll tell her so," said Ned.
"Admiral," said I, "do you remember when you sent the --- to sea in a
gale of wind, when I was midshipman of her? Well, I got just as wet
that night as you are now. Pray, admiral, have you any commands to the
Misses McFlinn?"
"I'll tell you when I catch hold of you," said Sir Hurricane, as he
moved upstairs to his room, dripping like Pope's Lodona, only not
smelling so sweet.
Hearing a noise, the housekeeper came up, and all the family assembled
to condole with the humid admiral, but each enjoying the joke as much as
ourselves. We, however, paid rather dearly for it. The admiral swore
that neither of us should eat or drink in the house for three days; and
Ned's father, though ready to burst with laughter, was forced in common
decency to say that he thought the admiral perfectly right after so
gross a violation of hospitality.
I went and dined on board my ship, Ned went to a coffee-house; but on
the third morning after the shower, I popped my head into the breakfast
parlour, and said--
"Admiral, I have a good story to tell you, if you will let me come in."
"I'd see you damned first, you young scum of a fish-pond. Be off, or
I'll shy the ham at your head."
"No, but indeed, my dear admiral, it is such a nice story; it is one
just to your fancy."
"Well then, stand there and tell it, but don't come in, for if you do--"