has been misthreated. There's a good man. I say he's a good man. An' he
is, too. At anny thrick fr'm shingles to two-be-fours he's as good as
th' best. But no wan apprechated Alger. No wan undherstud him. No wan
even thried to. Day be day he published th' private letters iv other
people, an' that didn't throw anny light on his charackter. Day be day
he had his pitchers took, an' still th' people didn't get onto th'
cur-rves iv him. Day be day he chatted iv th' turrors iv war, an' still
people on'y said: 'An' Alger also r-ran.' But th' time come whin Alger
cud contain himsilf no longer, an' he set down an' wrote to Chansy
Depoo.
"'Mr. Chansy Depot, care iv Grand Cintral Depew, New York, N.Y.,
Esquire. Dear Chanse: I've been expectin' a letter fr'm ye f'r three or
four days. In reply to same will say: Oh, Chanse, ye don't know how I
suffer. I'm that low in me mind I feel like a bunch iv lathes. Oh, dear,
to think iv what I've gone through. I wint into th' war onprepared. I
had on'y so many r-rounds iv catridges an' a cross-cut saw, an' I
failed to provide mesilf with th' ord'nary necessities iv life. But, in
spite iv me deficiencies, I wint bravely ahead. Th' sthrain was
something tur-r'ble on me. Me mind give out repeatedly. I cud not think
at times, but I niver faltered. In two months I had enough supplies
piled up in Maine to feed ivry sojer in Cubia. They were thousands iv
r-rounds iv catridges f'r ivry rig'mint, and all th' rig'mints had to do
was to write f'r thim. Th' navy had taken Manila an' Cervera's fleet,
an' th' ar-rmy had taken Sandago an' th' yellow fever. Th' war is over,
an' peace wanst more wags her wings over th' counthry. Pine scantlings
is quoted sthrong. Ivrywhere is peace an' contint. Me photographs are on
sale at all first-class newsdealers. Yet there is no ca'm f'r me.
Onthinkin' wans insult me. They tell me a sojer can't ate gin'ral
ordhers. They want me to raysign an' go back to me humble home in
Mitchigan. Disgustin' men that've done nawthin' but get thimsilves
shot, ask f'r milk an' quinine. They'll be askin' me to carry food
to thim nex'. Oh, Chanse, oh, hivens, ye can't know how grieved I
am! Rather wud I have perished in a logjam thin to've indured this
ingratichood. But, in lookin' back over me past life, I can think
iv no wrong I've done. If me mim'ry is at fault, please note. Me
car-eer is an open book. I've held nawthin' back fr'm th' public,
not even whin 'twas mar-rked private. I can say with th' pote that
I done me jooty. But, oh, Chanse! don't iver aspire to my job. Be
sicrety of war, if ye will; but niver be sicrety iv A war. Do not
offer this letter to th' newspapers. Make thim take it. How's
things goin' with ye, ol' pal? I hope to see ye at th' seaside.
Till thin, I'm yours, sick at heart, but atin' reg'lar. RUSS.'"
"Well," said Mr. Hennessy, "th' poor man must've had a har-rd time iv
it."
"He did," said Mr. Dooley. "Niver laid his head to a pillow before
eight, up with th' moon: he's suffered as no man can tell. But he'll be
all r-right whin his mind's at r-rest."
ON THE PRESIDENT'S CAT.
"'Twas this way about Dr. Huckenlooper. Mack has a cat that was give him
f'r a Chris'mas prisint be me frind Pierpont Morgan, an' th' cat was a
gr-reat favor-ite in th' White House. 'Twas as quite as th' Sicrety iv
Agriculture an' as affectionate as th' Sicrety iv th' Three-asury. Th'
cat was called Goold Bonds, because iv th' inthrest he dhrew. He very
often played with th' Sicrety iv th' Navy, an' ivry wan that come to th'
White House f'r a job loved him.
"But wan day Goold Bonds begun to look bad. He cudden't ate th' r-rich
crame out iv th' di'mon'-studded saucer. He stopped castin' an eye at
th' c'nary in th' cage. Whin th' Sicrety iv th' Navy wint down f'r to
play with him, Goold Bonds spit at that good an' gr-reat man. Mack was
shavin' himsilf befure th' lookin'-glass, an' had jus' got his face
pulled r-round to wan side f'r a good gash, whin he heerd a scream iv
ag'ny behind him, an' tur-rned to see Goold Bonds leap up with his paws
on his stomach an' hit th' ceilin'. Mack give a cry iv turror, an'
grabbed at Goold Bonds. Away wint Goold Bonds through th' house. Th'
Sicrety iv War seen him comin', an' called, 'Pussy, pussy.' Goold Bonds
wint through his legs, an' galloped f'r where th' Postmaster-gin'ral was
settin' editin' his pa-aper. Th' Postmaster-gin'ral had jus' got as far
as 'we opine,' whin he see Goold Bonds, an' he bate th' cat to th' windy
be a whisker.
"Well, Goold Bonds ended up in th' coal cellar, an' they was a cab'net
council f'r to see what was to be done. 'Sind f'r Doctor Heinegagubler,'
says th' Sicrety iv War. 'He's wan iv th' gr-reatest surgeons iv our
time,' he says, 'an' can cure annything fr'm pips to glanders,' he says.
Th' famous Doctor Honeycooler was summoned. 'Sir,' says Mack, 'Goold
Bonds, th' pride iv th' administhration, has had a fit,' he says. ''Twud
br-reak our hear-rts to lose our little pet,' he says. 'Go,' he says,
'an' take such measures as ye'er noble healin' ar-rt sug-gists,' he
says; 'an' may th' prayers iv an agonized foster-parent go with ye,' he
says. An' Doctor Higgenlocker wint down into th' coal-shed; an' whin he
come back, it was with Goold Bonds in his ar-rms, weak an' pale, but
with a wan smile on his lips.
"Afther embracin' Goold Bonds an' tuckin' him away in bed, Mack tur-rns
to th' Dock. 'Dock,' he says, 'ye have performed a noble sarvice,' he
says. 'I appint ye a major-gin'ral,' he says. 'I'm that already,' says
th' Dock. 'I've r-rich relatives in Philadelphia,' he says. 'But,' says
Mack, ''tis a shame to think iv ye'er noble sarvices bein' wasted,' he
says, 'whin ye'er counthry calls,' he says. 'I appint ye,' he says,
'surgeon-gin'ral,' he says. 'Pro-ceed,' he says, 'to Cubia, an' stamp
out th' dhread ravages,' he says, 'iv r-ringbone an' stagger,' he says.
"That's how Dock got th'job. He was a gr-reat man down there, an' now
he's wan iv th' vethranaryans iv th' war. Ye heerd iv typhoid an' yellow
fever in th' threnches; but did ye hear annything iv spavin or th'
foot-an'-mouth disease? Not wanst. Dock was on jooty late an' early.
Sleepless an' vigilant, he stood beside th' suffrin' mules, allayin'
their pain, an' slowly but surely dhraggin' thim out iv th' clutches iv
pinkeye an' epizootic. He had a cheery wurrud, a pleasant smile, an' a
bottle iv liniment f'r wan an' all. He cured Teddy Rosenfelt's hor-rse
iv intherference an' made a soothin' lotion iv axle-grease f'r Gin'ral
Shafter's buckboard. Ye might see him anny time wandhrin' through th'
camp with a hatful of oats or a wisp of hay. They called him th' Stall
Angel, and countless thousands iv sick hor-rses blessed him. He's a
gr-reat man is th' Dock. But, if it hadn't been f'r Goold Bonds, th'
counthry wud niver have had his sarvices. Who knows but that Mack's cat
was th' rale victhor at Sandago?"
"Didn't he cure anny men?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Sure," said Mr. Dooley. "He cured Teddy Rosenfelt iv boltin'."
ON A SPEECH BY PRESIDENT McKINLEY.
"I hear-r that Mack's in town," said Mr. Dooley.
"Didn't ye see him?" asked Mr. Hennessy.
"Faith, I did not!" said Mr. Dooley. "If 'tis meetin' me he's afther,
all he has to do is to get on a ca-ar an' r-ride out to number
nine-double-naught-nine Archey R-road, an' stop whin he sees th' sign iv
th' Tip-p'rary Boodweiser Brewin' Company. I'm here fr'm eight in the
mornin' till midnight, an' th' r-rest iv th' time I'm in the back room
in th' ar-rms iv Or-rphyus, as Hogan says. Th' Presidint is as welcome
as anny rayspictable marrid man. I will give him a chat an' a dhrink f'r
fifteen cints; an', as we're not, as a frind iv mine in th' grocery an'
pothry business says, intirely a commercial an' industhreel nation, if
he has th' Sicrety iv th' Threasury with him, I'll give thim two f'r
twinty-five cints, which is th' standard iv value among civilized
nations th' wurruld over. Prisidint iv th' United States, says ye? Well,
I'm prisidint iv this liquor store, fr'm th' pitcher iv th' Chicago fire
above th' wash-stand in th' back room to th' dure-step. Beyond that
belongs to th' polisman on th' bate. An Amurrican's home, as wan iv th'
potes says, is his castle till th' morgedge falls due. An' divvle a fut
will I put out iv this dure to see e'er a prisidint, prince, or
potentate, fr'm th' czar iv Rooshia to th' king iv Chiny. There's
Prisidint Mack at th' Audjiotoroom, an' here's Prisidint Dooley at
nine-double-naught-nine, an' th' len'th iv th' sthreet between thim.
Says he, 'Come over to th' hotel an' see me.' Says I, 'If ye find
ye'ersilf thrun fr'm a ca-ar in me neighborhood, dhrop in.' An' there ye
ar-re.
"I may niver see him. I may go to me grave without gettin' an' eye on
th' wan man besides mesilf that don't know what th' furrin' policy iv
th' United States is goin' to be. An he, poor man, whin some wan asts
him, 'Did ye iver meet Dooley:' 'll have to say, 'No, I had th' chanst
wanst, but me ac-cursed pride kept me from visitin' him.'
"I r-read his speeches, though, an' know what he's doin.' Some iv thim
ar-re gr-reat. He attinded th' banket given be th' Prospurity Brigade at
th' hotel where he's stoppin'. 'Twas a magnificent assimblage iv th'
laborin' classes, costin' fifteen dollars a plate, an' on'y disturbed
whin a well-to-do gintleman in th' dhry-goods business had to be thrun
out f'r takin' a kick at a waiter. I r-read be th' papers that whin Mack
come in he was rayceived be th' gatherin' with shouts iv approval. Th'
proceedin's was opened with a prayer that Providence might r-remain
undher th' protection iv th' administhration. Th' Sicrety iv th'
Treasury followed with a gran' speech, highly commindin' th' action iv
th' threasury department durin' th' late war; 'but,' says he, 'I
cannot,' he says, 'so far forget mesilf,' he says, 'as not to mintion,'
he says, 'that,' he says, 'if it hadn't been f'r the sublime
pathreetism an' courage,' he says, 'iv th' gintleman whom we honor,' he
says, 'in puttin' me on th' foorce,' he says, 'I might not be here
to-night,' he says.
"Th' Sicrety iv th' Threasury was followed be th' Gin'ral Shafter.
'Gintlemen,' says he, 'it gives me,' he says, 'gr-reat pleasure,' he
says, 'to be prisint in th' mist iv so manny an' so various vittles,' he
says. 'Iv coorse,' he says, 'I re-elize me own gr-reat worth,' he says;
'but,' he says, 'I wud have to be more thin human,' he says, 'to
overlook th' debt iv gratichood,' he says, 'th' counthry owes,' he says,
'to th' man whose foresight, wisdom, an' prudence brought me for-ard at
such an opparchune time,' he says. 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'onless ye have
lived in th' buckboard f'r months on th' parched deserts iv Cubia,' he
says, 'ye little know what a pleasure it is,' he says, 'to dhrink,' he
says, 'to th' author iv our bein' here,' he says. An' Gin-ral Miles wint
out an' punched th' bell-boy. Mack r-rose up in a perfect hurcane iv
applause, an' says he, 'Gintlemen,' he says, 'an' fellow-heroes,' he
says, 'ye do me too much honor;' he says. 'I alone shud not have th'
credit iv this gloryous victhry. They ar-re others.' [A voice:
'Shafter.' Another voice: 'Gage.' Another voice: 'Dooley.'] 'But I pass
to a more conganial line iv thought,' he says. 'We have just emerged
fr'm a turrible war,' he says. 'Again,' he says, 'we ar-re a united
union,' he says. 'No north,' he says, 'no south, no east,' he says, 'no
west. No north east a point east,' he says. 'Th' inimies iv our counthry
has been cr-rushed,' he says, 'or is stuck down in Floridy with his
rig'mint talkin',' he says, 'his hellish docthrines to th' allygatars,'
he says. 'Th' nation is wanst more at peace undher th' gran' goold
standard,' he says. 'Now,' he says, 'th' question is what shall we do
with th' fruits iv victhry?' he says. [A voice, 'Can thim.'] 'Our duty
to civilization commands us to be up an' doin',' he says. 'We ar-re
bound,' he says, 'to--to re-elize our destiny, whativer it may be,' he
says. 'We can not tur-rn back,' he says, 'th hands iv th' clock that,
even as I speak, he says, 'is r-rushin' through th' hear-rts iv men,' he
says, 'dashin' its spray against th' star iv liberty an' hope, an' no
north, no south, no east, no west, but a steady purpose to do th' best
we can, considerin' all th' circumstances iv the case.' he says. 'I hope
I have made th' matther clear to ye,' he says, 'an', with these few
remarks,' he says, 'I will tur-rn th' job over to destiny,' he says,
'which is sure to lead us iver on an' on, an' back an' forth, a united
an' happy people, livin',' he says, 'undher an administhration that,
thanks to our worthy Prisidint an' his cap-ble an' earnest advisers, is
second to none,' he says."
"What do you think ought to be done with th' fruits iv victhry?" Mr.
Hennessy asked.
"Well," said Mr. Dooley, "if 'twas up to me, I'd eat what was r-ripe an'
give what wasn't r-ripe to me inimy. An' I guess that's what Mack
means."
ON THE HERO IN POLITICS.
"'Tis as much as a man's life is worth these days," said Mr. Dooley, "to
have a vote. Look here," he continued, diving under the bar and
producing a roll of paper.
"Here's th' pitchers iv candydates I pulled down fr'm th' windy, an'
jus' knowin' they're here makes me that nervous f'r th' contints iv th'
cash dhrawer I'm afraid to tur-rn me back f'r a minyit. I'm goin' to
throw thim out in th' back yard.
"All heroes, too, Hinnissy. They'se Mike O'Toole, th' hero iv Sandago,
that near lost his life be dhrink on his way to th' arm'ry, an' had to
be sint home without lavin' th' city. There's Turror Teddy Mangan, th'
night man at Flaher-ty's, that loaded th' men that loaded th' guns that
kilt th' mules at Matoonzas. There's Hero O'Brien, that wud've inlisted
if he hadn't been too old, an' th' contractin' business in such good
shape. There's Bill Cory, that come near losin' his life at a
cinematograph iv th' battle iv Manila. They're all here, bedad, r-ready
to sarve their country to th' bitter end, an' to r-rush, voucher in
hand, to th' city threasurer's office at a minyit's notice.
"I wint to a hero meetin' th' other night, Hinnissy, an' that's sthrange
f'r me. Whin a man gets to be my age, he laves th' shoutin' f'r th'
youth iv th' land, onless he has a pol-itical job. I niver had a job but
wanst. That was whin I was precin't cap'n; an' a good wan I was, too.
None betther. I'd been on th' cinthral comity to-day, but f'r me losin'
ambition whin they r-run a man be th' name iv Eckstein f'r aldherman. I
was sayin', Hinnissy, whin a man gets to be my age, he ducks pol-itical
meetin's, an' r-reads th' papers an' weighs th' ividence an' th'
argymints,--pro-argymints an' con-argymints,--an' makes up his mind
ca'mly, an' votes th' Dimmycratic ticket. But young Dorsey he med me go
with him to th' hero's meetin' in Finucane's hall.
"Well, sir, there was O'Toole an' all th' rest on th' platform in
unyform, with flags over thim, an' the bands playin' 'They'll be a hot
time in th' ol' town to-night again'; an' th' chairman was Plunkett. Ye
know Plunkett: a good man if they was no gr-rand juries. He was makin' a
speech. 'Whin th' battle r-raged,' he says, 'an' th' bullets fr'm th'
haughty Spanyards' raypeatin' Mouser r-rifles,' he says, 'where was
Cassidy?' he says. 'In his saloon,' says I, 'in I'mrald Av'noo,' says I.
'Thrue f'r ye,' says Plunkett. 'An' where,' he says, 'was our
candydate?' he says. 'In somebody else's saloon,' says I. 'No,' says he.
'Whin th' Prisidint,' he says, 'called th' nation to ar-rms,' he says,
'an' Congress voted fifty million good bucks f'r th' naytional definse,'
he says, 'Thomas Francis Dorgan,' he says, 'in that minyit iv naytional
pearl,' says he, 'left his good job in the pipe-yard,' he says, 'an'
wint down to th' raycruitin' office, an' says, "How manny calls f'r
volunteers is out?" he says. "Wan," says th' officer. "Put me down,"
says Dorgan, "f'r th' tenth call," he says. This, gintlemen iv th'
foorth precin't,' he says, 'is Thomas Francis Dorgan, a man who, if
ilicted,' he says, 'victhry'll perch,' he says, 'upon our banners,' he
says; 'an',' he says, 'th' naytional honor will be maintained,' he says,
'in th' county boord,' he says.
"I wint out to take th' air, an' I met me frind Clohessy, th' little
tailor fr'm Halsted Sthreet. Him an' me had a shell iv beer together at
th' German's; an' says I, 'What d'ye think iv th' heroes?' I says.
'Well,' says he, 'I make no doubt 'twas brave iv Dorgan,' he says, 'f'r
to put his name in f'r th' tenth call,' he says; 'but,' he says, 'I
don't like Plunkett, an' it seems to me a man'd have to be a hell iv a
sthrong man, even if he was a hero, to be Plunkett's man, an' keep his
hands out iv ye'er pockets,' he says. 'I'm with Clancy's candydate,' he
says. 'He niver offered to enlist for th' war,' he says, 'but 'twas
Clancy put Terence on th' polis foorce an' got th' school f'r Aggie,' he
says.
"That's the way I feel," said Mr. Hennessy. "I wudden't thrust Plunkett
as far as I cud throw a cow be th' tail. If Dorgan was Clancy's war
hero, I'd be with him."
"Annyhow," said Mr. Dooley, "mighty few iv th' rale heroes iv th' war is
r-runnin' f'r office. Most iv thim put on their blue overalls whin they
was mustered out an' wint up an' ast f'r their ol' jobs back--an'
sometimes got thim. Ye can see as manny as tin iv thim at the
rollin'-mills defindin' th' nation's honor with wheelbahr's an' a slag
shovel."
MR. DOOLEY IN PEACE
ON NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS.
Mr. Hennessy looked out at the rain dripping down in Archey Road, and
sighed, "A-ha, 'tis a bad spell iv weather we're havin'."
"Faith, it is," said Mr. Dooley, "or else we mind it more thin we did. I
can't remimber wan day fr'm another. Whin I was young, I niver thought
iv rain or snow, cold or heat. But now th' heat stings an' th' cold
wrenches me bones; an', if I go out in th' rain with less on me thin a
ton iv rubber, I'll pay dear f'r it in achin' j'ints, so I will. That's
what old age means; an' now another year has been put on to what we had
befure, an' we're expected to be gay. 'Ring out th' old,' says a guy at
th' Brothers' School. 'Ring out th' old, ring in th' new,' he says.
'Ring out th' false, ring in th' thrue,' says he. It's a pretty
sintimint, Hinnissy; but how ar-re we goin' to do it? Nawthin'd please
me betther thin to turn me back on th' wicked an' ingloryous past,
rayform me life, an' live at peace with th' wurruld to th' end iv me
days. But how th' divvle can I do it? As th' fellow says, 'Can th'
leopard change his spots,' or can't he?
"You know Dorsey, iv coorse, th' cross-eyed May-o man that come to this
counthry about wan day in advance iv a warrant f'r sheep-stealin'? Ye
know what he done to me, tellin' people I was caught in me cellar
poorin' wather into a bar'l? Well, last night says I to mesilf, thinkin'
iv Dorsey, I says: 'I swear that henceforth I'll keep me temper with me
fellow-men. I'll not let anger or jealousy get th' betther iv me,' I
says. 'I'll lave off all me old feuds; an' if I meet me inimy goin' down
th' sthreet, I'll go up an' shake him be th' hand, if I'm sure he hasn't
a brick in th' other hand.' Oh, I was mighty compliminthry to mesilf. I
set be th' stove dhrinkin' hot wans, an' ivry wan I dhrunk made me more
iv a pote. 'Tis th' way with th' stuff. Whin I'm in dhrink, I have manny
a fine thought; an', if I wasn't too comfortable to go an' look f'r th'
ink-bottle, I cud write pomes that'd make Shakespeare an' Mike Scanlan
think they were wurrkin' on a dredge. 'Why,' says I, 'carry into th' new
year th' hathreds iv th' old?' I says. 'Let th' dead past bury its
dead,' says I. 'Tur-rn ye'er lamps up to th' blue sky,' I says. (It was
rainin' like th' divvle, an' th' hour was midnight; but I give no heed
to that, bein' comfortable with th' hot wans.) An' I wint to th' dure,
an', whin Mike Duffy come by on number wan hundherd an' five, ringin'
th' gong iv th' ca-ar, I hollered to him: 'Ring out th' old, ring in th'
new.' 'Go back into ye'er stall,' he says, 'an' wring ye'ersilf out,' he
says. 'Ye'er wet through,' he says.
"Whin I woke up this mornin', th' pothry had all disappeared, an' I
begun to think th' las' hot wan I took had somethin' wrong with it.
Besides, th' lumbago was grippin' me till I cud hardly put wan foot
befure th' other. But I remimbered me promises to mesilf, an' I wint out
on th' sthreet, intindin' to wish ivry wan a 'Happy New Year,' an'
hopin' in me hear-rt that th' first wan I wished it to'd tell me to go
to th' divvle, so I cud hit him in th' eye. I hadn't gone half a block
before I spied Dorsey acrost th' sthreet. I picked up a half a brick an'
put it in me pocket, an' Dorsey done th' same. Thin we wint up to each
other. 'A Happy New Year,' says I. 'Th' same to you,' says he, 'an'
manny iv thim,' he says. 'Ye have a brick in ye'er hand,' says I. 'I was
thinkin' iv givin' ye a New Year's gift,' says he. 'Th' same to you, an'
manny iv thim,' says I, fondlin' me own ammunition. ''Tis even all
around,' says he. 'It is,' says I. 'I was thinkin' las' night I'd give
up me gredge again ye,' says he. 'I had th' same thought mesilf,' says
I. 'But, since I seen ye'er face,' he says, 'I've con-cluded that I'd be
more comfortable hatin' ye thin havin' ye f'r a frind,' says he. 'Ye're
a man iv taste,' says I. An' we backed away fr'm each other. He's a Tip,
an' can throw a stone like a rifleman; an', Hinnissy, I'm somethin' iv
an amachoor shot with a half-brick mesilf.
"Well, I've been thinkin' it over, an' I've argied it out that life'd
not be worth livin' if we didn't keep our inimies. I can have all th'
frinds I need. Anny man can that keeps a liquor sthore. But a rale
sthrong inimy, specially a May-o inimy,--wan that hates ye ha-ard, an'
that ye'd take th' coat off yer back to do a bad tur-rn to,--is a luxury
that I can't go without in me ol' days. Dorsey is th' right sort. I
can't go by his house without bein' in fear he'll spill th' chimbly down
on me head; an', whin he passes my place, he walks in th' middle iv th'
sthreet, an' crosses himsilf. I'll swear off on annything but Dorsey.
He's a good man, an' I despise him. Here's long life to him."
ON GOLD-SEEKING.
"Well, sir," said Mr. Hennessy, "that Alaska's th' gr-reat place. I
thought 'twas nawthin' but an iceberg with a few seals roostin' on it,
an' wan or two hundherd Ohio politicians that can't be killed on account
iv th' threaty iv Pawrs. But here they tell me 'tis fairly smothered in
goold. A man stubs his toe on th' ground, an lifts th' top off iv a
goold mine. Ye go to bed at night, an' wake up with goold fillin' in
ye'er teeth."
"Yes," said Mr. Dooley, "Clancy's son was in here this mornin', an' he
says a frind iv his wint to sleep out in th' open wan night, an' whin he
got up his pants assayed four ounces iv goold to th' pound, an' his
whiskers panned out as much as thirty dollars net."
"If I was a young man an' not tied down here," said Mr. Hennessy, "I'd
go there: I wud so."
"I wud not," said Mr. Dooley. "Whin I was a young man in th' ol'
counthry, we heerd th' same story about all America. We used to set be
th' tur-rf fire o' nights, kickin' our bare legs on th' flure an'
wishin' we was in New York, where all ye had to do was to hold ye'er hat
an' th' goold guineas'd dhrop into it. An' whin I got to be a man, I
come over here with a ham and a bag iv oatmeal, as sure that I'd return
in a year with money enough to dhrive me own ca-ar as I was that me name
was Martin Dooley. An' that was a cinch.
"But, faith, whin I'd been here a week, I seen that there was nawthin'
but mud undher th' pavement,--I larned that be means iv a pick-axe at
tin shillin's th' day,--an' that, though there was plenty iv goold, thim
that had it were froze to it; an' I come west, still lookin' f'r mines.
Th' on'y mine I sthruck at Pittsburgh was a hole f'r sewer pipe. I made
it. Siven shillin's th' day. Smaller thin New York, but th' livin' was
cheaper, with Mon'gahela rye at five a throw, put ye'er hand around th'
glass.
"I was still dreamin' goold, an' I wint down to Saint Looey. Th'
nearest I come to a fortune there was findin' a quarther on th' sthreet
as I leaned over th' dashboord iv a car to whack th' off mule. Whin I
got to Chicago, I looked around f'r the goold mine. They was Injuns here
thin. But they wasn't anny mines I cud see. They was mud to be shovelled
an' dhrays to be dhruv an' beats to be walked. I choose th' dhray; f'r I
was niver cut out f'r a copper, an' I'd had me fill iv excavatin'. An' I
dhruv th' dhray till I wint into business.
"Me experyence with goold minin' is it's always in th' nex' county. If I
was to go to Alaska, they'd tell me iv th' finds in Seeberya. So I think
I'll stay here. I'm a silver man, annyhow; an' I'm contint if I can see
goold wanst a year, whin some prominent citizen smiles over his
newspaper. I'm thinkin' that ivry man has a goold mine undher his own
dure-step or in his neighbor's pocket at th' farthest."
"Well, annyhow," said Mr. Hennessy, "I'd like to kick up th' sod, an'
find a ton iv goold undher me fut."
"What wud ye do if ye found it?" demanded Mr. Dooley.