(_Enter_ PUNCH.)
PUNCH.--R-r-r-roo-to-tooit-tooit?
(_Sings._)
"Wheel about and turn about,
And do jes so;
Ebery time I turn about,
I jump Jim Crow."
MANAGER.--Hollo, Mr. Punch! your voice is rather husky to-day.
PUNCH.--Yes, yes; I've been making myself as hoarse as a hog, bawling to
the free and independent electors of Grogswill all the morning. They have
done me the honour to elect me as their representative in Parliament. I'm
an M.P. now.
MANAGER.--An M.P.! Gammon, Mr. Punch.
THE DOG TOBY.--Bow, wow, wow, wough, wough!
PUNCH.--Fact, upon my honour. I'm at this moment an unit in the collective
stupidity of the nation.
DOG TOBY.--R-r-r-r-r-r--wough--wough!
PUNCH.--Kick that dog, somebody. Hang the cur, did he never see a
legislator before, that he barks at me so?
MANAGER.--A legislator, Mr. Punch? with that wooden head of yours! Ho! ho!
ho! ho!
PUNCH.--My dear sir, I can assure you that wood is the material generally
used in the manufacture of political puppets. There will be more
blockheads than mine in St. Stephen's, I can tell you. And as for oratory,
why I flatter my whiskers I'll astonish them in that line.
MANAGER.--But on what principles did you get into Parliament, Mr. Punch?
PUNCH.--I'd have you know, sir, I'm above having any principles but those
that put money in my pocket.
MANAGER.--I mean on what interest did you start?
PUNCH.--On self-interest, sir. The only great, patriotic, and noble
feeling that a public man can entertain.
MANAGER.--Pardon me, Mr. Punch; I wish to know whether you have come in as
a Whig or a Tory?
PUNCH.--As a Tory, decidedly, sir. I despise the base, rascally, paltry,
beggarly, contemptible Whigs. I detest their policy, and--
THE DOG TOBY.--Bow, wow, wough, wough!
MANAGER.--Hollo! Mr. Punch, what are you saying? I understood you were
always a staunch Whig, and a supporter of the present Government.
PUNCH.--So I was, sir. I supported the Whigs as long as they supported
themselves; but now that the old house is coming down about their ears, I
turn my back on them in virtuous indignation, and take my seat in the
opposition 'bus.
MANAGER.---But where is your patriotism, Mr. Punch?
PUNCH.--Where every politician's is, sir--in my breeches' pocket.
MANAGER.--And your consistency, Mr. Punch?
PUNCH.--What a green chap you are, after all. A public man's consistency!
It's only a popular delusion, sir. I'll tell you what's consistency, sir.
When one gentleman's _in_ and won't come _out_, and when another
gentleman's _out_ and can't get _in_, and when both gentlemen
persevere in their determination--that's consistency.
MANAGER.--I understand; but still I think it is the duty of every public
man to----