DEAR SIR,--I was a-sitting the other evening at the door of my kennel,
thinking of the dog-days and smoking my pipe (blessings on you, master,
for teaching me that art!), when one of your prospectuses was put into my
paw by a spaniel that lives as pet-dog in a nobleman's family. Lawk, sir!
what misfortunes can have befallen you, that you are obleeged to turn
author?
I remember the poor devil as used to supply us with _dialect_--what a
face he had! It was like a mouth-organ turned edgeways; and he looked as
hollow as the big drum, but warn't half so round and noisy. You can't have
dwindled down to that, sure_ly_! I couldn't bear to see your hump and
_pars pendula_ (that's dog Latin) shrunk up like dried almonds, and
titivated out in msty-fusty toggery--I'm sure I couldn't! The very thought
of it is like a pound weight at the end of my tail.
I whined like any thing, calling to my missus--for you must know that I've
married as handsome a Scotch terrier as you ever see. "Vixen," says I,
"here's the poor old governor up at last--I knew that Police Act would
drive him to something desperate."
"Why he hasn't hung himself in earnest, and summoned you on his inquest!"
exclaimed Mrs. T.
"Worse nor that," says I; "he's turned author, and in course is stewed up
in some wery elevated apartment during this blessed season of the year,
when all nature is wagging with delight, and the fairs is on, and the
police don't want nothing to do to warm 'em, and consequentially sees no
harm in a muster of infantry in bye-streets. It's very hawful."
Vixen sighed and scratched her ear with her right leg, so I know'd she'd
something in her head, for she always does that when anything tickles her.
"Toby," says she, "go and see the old gentleman; perhaps it might comfort
him to larrup you a little."
"Very well," says I, "I'll be off at once; so put me by a bone or two for
supper, should any come out while I'm gone; and if you can get the puppies
to sleep before I return, I shall be so much obleeged to you." Saying
which, I toddled off for Wellington-street. I had just got to the
coach-stand at Hyde Park Corner, when who should I see labelled as a
waterman but the one-eyed chap we once had as a orchestra--he as could
only play "Jim Crow" and the "Soldier Tired." Thinks I, I may as well pass
the compliment of the day with him; so I creeps under the hackney-coach he
was standing alongside on, intending to surprise him; but just as I was
about to pop out he ran off the stand to un-nosebag a cab-horse. Whilst I
was waiting for him to come back, I hears the off-side horse in the
wehicle make the following remark:--
OFF-SIDE HORSE--(_twisting his tail about like anything_)--Curse the
flies!
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--You may say that. I've had one fellow tickling me this
half-hour.
OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Ours is a horrid profession! Phew! the sun actually
penetrates my vertebra.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Werterbee! What's that?
OFF-SIDE HORSE--(_impatiently_).--The spine, my friend (_whish!
whish!_)
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Ah! it is a shameful thing to _dock_ us as they
does. If the marrow in one's backbone should melt, it would be sartin to
run out at the tip of one's tail. I say, how's your _feed?_
OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Very indifferent--the chaff predominates--(_munch_)
not _bene_ by any means.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Beany! Lord bless your ignorance! I should be satisfied
if they'd only make it _oaty_ now and then. How long have you been in
the hackney line?
OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I have occupied my present degraded position about two
years. Little thought my poor mama, when I was foaled, that I should ever
come to this.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Ah! it ain't very respectable, is it?--especially since
the cabs and busses have druv over our heads. What was you put to?--you
look as if you had been well brought up.
OFF-SIDE HORSE.--My mama was own sister to _Lottery_, but
unfortunately married a horse much below her in pedigree. I was the
produce of that union. At five years old I entered the army under Ensign
Dashard.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Bless me, how odd! I was bought at Horncastle, to serve
in the dragoons; but the wetternary man found out I'd a splint, and
wouldn't have me! I say, ain't that stout woman with a fat family looking
at us?
OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I'm afraid she is. People of her grade in society are
always partial to a dilatory shillingworth.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Ay, and always lives up Snow-hill, or Ludgate-hill, or
Mutton-hill, or a _hill_ somewhere.
WOMAN.--Coach!
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--She's ahailing us! I wonder whether she's narvous? I'll
let out with my hind leg a bit--(_kick_)--O Lord! the rheumatiz!
OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Pray don't. I abjure subterfuges; they are unworthy of a
thoroughbred.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Thoroughbred? I like that! Haven't you just acknowledged
that you were a cocktail? Thank God! she's moving on. Hallo! there's old
Readypenny!--a willanous Tory.
OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I beg to remark that my principles are Conservative.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--And I beg to remark that mine isn't. I sarved Readypenny
out at Westminster 'lection the other day. He got into our coach to go to
the poll, and I wouldn't draw an inch. I warn't agoing to take up a
plumper for Rous.
OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I declare the obese female returns.
WOMAN.--Coach! Hallo! Coach!
WATERMAN.--Here you is, ma'am. Kuck! kuck! kuck!--Come along!--(_Pulling
the coach and horses_).
OFF-SIDE HORSE.--O heavens! I am too stiff to move, and this brute will
pull my head off.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Keep it on one side, and you spiles his purchase.
WATERMAN--Come up, you old brute!
OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Old brute! What evidence of a low mind!--[_The stout
woman and fat family ascend the steps of the coach_].
COACH.--O law! oh, law! Week! week! O law!--O law! Week! week!
NEAR-SIDE HORSE--Do you hear how the poor old thing's a sufferin'?--She
must feel it a good deal to have her squabs sat on by everybody as can pay
for her. She was built by Pearce, of Long-acre, for the Duchess of
Dorsetshire. I wonder her perch don't break--she has been crazy a long
time.
WATERMAN.--Snow-hill--opposite the Saracen's Head.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--I know'd it!
COACHMAN.--Kuck! kuck!
WHIP.--Whack! whack!
OFF-SIDE HORSE.--Pull away, my dear fellow; a little extra exertion may
save us from flagellation.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Well, I'm pulling, ain't I?
OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I don't like to dispute your word;
but--(_whack_)--Oh! that was an abrasion on my shoulder.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--A _raw_ you mean. Who's not pulling now, I should
like to know!
OFF-SIDE HORSE.--I couldn't help hopping then; you know what a
_grease_ I have in my hind leg.
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Well, haven't I a splint and a corn, and ain't one of my
fore fetlocks got a formoses, and my hind legs the stringhalt?
WOMAN.--Stop! stop!
COACHMAN.--Whoo up!--d--n you!
OFF-SIDE HORSE.--There goes my last masticator!
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--And I'm blow'd if he hasn't jerked my head so that he's
given me a crick in the neck; but never mind; if she does get out here, we
shall save the hill.
WOMAN.--Three doors higher up.
COACHMAN.--Chuck! chuck!
WHIP.--Whack! whack!
COACHMAN.--Come up, you varmint!
OFF-SIDE HORSE--Varmint! and to me! the nephew of the great Lottery! O
Pegasus! what shall I come to next!
NEAR-SIDE HORSE.--Alamode beef, may be, or perhaps pork sassages!
* * * * *
The old woman was so long in that house where she stopped, that I was
obleeged to toddle home, for my wife has a rather unpleasant way of taking
me by the scruff of my neck if I ain't pretty regular in my hours.
Yours, werry obediently, TOBY.
* * * * *