_August 1._
A MOST disagreeable thing has chanced to me, but I hope no harm will
come of it. I have done what seemed me best, and I suppose I might as
well dismiss the matter from my mind, if I only could. I can't guess
how Dick could do such a thing. He must have known, if he had but
thought a little, into what an embarrassment it would bring me.
I have now been in attendance on her Grace two or three days, and have
begun to feel a little more at ease, for at first I felt stifled,
as it were. I can't think it pleasant to be with those who seem to
look upon one as being of another flesh and blood than themselves, if
they are ever so gracious. The Queen is very kind, no doubt (I don't
believe she could be otherwise), but it does seem to me more like the
kindness one would bestow on a pet dog or cat, than the good will, not
to say affection—one woman should give to another. I dare say all great
folks are so, especially Kings and Queens. They are taught to think
themselves of another race. After all, it is mine own pride, I suppose,
which makes me uncomfortable.
Mrs. Anne Bullen has been kind to me, though in a way which I like
worse than the other. I see clearly that there is no love lost between
herself and the bower-woman, Mistress Patience, and it seems as if she
wished to enlist me as a partisan on her side, casting mocking glances
at me, behind her mistress's back, whenever Mrs. Patience makes any of
the little set moral speeches to which she is given, and specially when
she utters any devout sentiment. Now, my honored mother early taught me
that these significant and mocking looks were among the worst of bad
manners; and moreover I could in this case see nothing to laugh at, so
I have been careful to give no response or encouragement to them.
This morning I had gone early to the chapel in the garden, as usual,
when entering quietly, I was surprised to see Mistress Anne, not at her
prayers, but peeping and prying about the altar and the image of our
Lady. She started a little, I thought, as I came in, and then said,
easily enough:
"So this is the sacred image which has stood since the time of
St. Ethelburga, and the fame of which has drawn her grace to this
out-of-the-way corner. What a hideous old idol it is!"
This did not seem to me the way to speak in a church, so I held my
tongue; whereat she said, in a light, mocking way, but with perfect
good humor, "Oh, you are one of the devout, Mistress Rosamond. I cry
your pardon! How shall I atone for my offence? I wonder whether news
from a certain gallant squire would do it?"
"I don't understand you, Mistress Bullen," I answered, I dare say
stiffly enough, though there was that in her manner which made my
cheeks flame.
"O no, I see you don't," she answered. "Methinks your cheeks tell
another story. Come, be honest now, and tell me what would you give
for news from this same cousin Richard, whom a few weeks at court has
transformed from a West country clown, into as handsome and saucy a
squire as may be found in all the court. Suppose this same squire,
knowing me to be bound hitherward, had entrusted me with a packet for
his dear cousin Rosamond. What then?"
"Then my cousin Richard would have done a very unwise and inconsiderate
thing, and one of which I should not have suspected him," said I,
trying to answer quietly, though my heart beat and my cheeks glowed.
"He knows my position here, and that such a step must needs compromise
me with my superiors."
"But your superiors need not know everything, simple maiden," she
answered, in her light fashion, and then dropping a packet in my lap,
she fled away, and I presently heard her singing some light French love
song in the garden.
The packet was not a large one, and it was directed in Richard's
hand-writing. I own I was tempted to open it on the spot, and I dare
say I should have done so, but just then, Sister Catherine entered. She
has greatly affected this shrine since the Queen came hither, though I
never saw her near it before. Her eyes fell on the packet before I had
time to put it up, as I certainly should have done.
"So!" she exclaimed, in a tone of triumph! "So, fair Rosamond, this
is the secret of your devotion to St. Ethelburga's shrine, is it? So
this is our young saint, who watches, and prays, and translates devout
books." Then changing her tone—"Ah, Rosamond, Rosamond, beware! You are
on the high road to destruction. How dare you profane this holy place
with love tokens, aye, and love meetings, for aught I know? Is it not
enough to draw down the vengeance of heaven not only on yourself, but
on all this house and family?"
By this time, I was quite cool and collected. "You are making a leap
in the dark, as usual, Sister Catherine," I said. "This packet has
but just been put into my hands, and if you will go with me, yourself
shall see me put it unopened into those of Mother Superior. And since
we are here together, let us remember the Bishop's sermon, and join our
prayers for that charity of which he spoke, which thinketh no evil, but
hopeth all things."
She looked taken aback for a moment, and then—"Ah, sister, sister! But
I am thankful if my chance incoming saved you from profaning this holy
place, even once. I do not doubt you will now give that package to
Mother Superior, unopened. But how many have already been received and
read here?"
At this I lost patience. "Methinks, sister, your head must be very
full of love tokens, and such matters, since you must needs be talking
of them in the very chapel itself," I said. "Perhaps, if you have
exhausted the subject, you will give me leave to say my prayers;"
and with that I withdrew myself to the other side, and knelt down to
my devotions, which I fear were too full of distractions to be very
acceptable. I was angry at Richard for bringing me into such a scrape,
and at Mistress Bullen for helping him; I was angry at Sister Catherine
for her unkind construction, and at myself, for retorting on her.
Beside I forsaw real and serious annoyance, growing out of Richard's
imprudence.
When I had finished, I rose and said to Sister Catherine, "Now, if you
will go with me, you shall be satisfied."
"If I go with you, it will be from no idle curiosity, but to save you
from committing another sin," said she, severely.
I made her no answer, and we went together, and in silence, to Mother
Superior's room, where we found her looking over some papers.
"So!" said she, sharply. "Sister Catherine, I was about sending for
you. Rosamond, what brings you hither?"
"A sad occasion, dear Mother," answered Sister Catherine, before I
had time to speak. "I bring you a sinner, but let us hope a repentant
one, and I entreat you, dearest Mother, to consider her youth and the
temptations under which she hath lately been placed, and not judge her
hardly. Rosamond hath received—from what source I know not certainly,
though I have a shrewd guess—a private packet. Yes, even in the holy
shrine of St. Ethelburga, where sacrilege hath been so fearfully
avenged before this time, she hath received a love token—how many more
I know not. Alas! The post of a favorite is ever a dangerous one, and
pride goeth before a fall!"
"What is all this, Rosamond?" asked Mother Superior, turning to me.
For all answer I told her as shortly and plainly as I could, what had
chanced, suppressing only the name of Mistress Anne, as not fit to be
revealed before Sister Catherine.
"But who was the go-between and messenger?" asked Sister Catherine.
"Methinks our young Sister's confession is incomplete. Alas, that I
should live to see this holy house fall into such disorder. But I ever
said what would come of these irregularities. We shall see no good till
we are reformed from top to bottom."
"Sister Catherine, with your leave, I will judge of this matter
myself," said Mother Superior, sharply; "and, meantime, I must needs
say, you forget yourself strangely when you take the words out of my
mouth and use such language to me, who am the head of this house.
Do you talk to me of disorders, and that when your own charge is so
misordered and neglected, as I have found it only this morning? Betake
yourself to the wardrobe and store-room, and leave them not while a
grain of dust or a cobweb remains. Let every piece of cloth and linen,
yea, every napkin and kerchief, and skein of thread be taken down and
folded anew, and the shelves wiped clean of dust and mold, and let all
presses and drawers be filled with fresh rose leaves, lavender and
southernwood. Leave not your work either for meal-time or recreation
till it is finished; and when I next visit the wardrobe let me find
the neatness and order befitting a religious house. Public penance may
be well, but secret humility and faithfulness are far better. And do
you not breathe a word of this matter to any living soul, if you would
avoid such discipline as will bring you neither comfort nor honor. I
have long borne with your carelessness in your own charge, and your
ceaseless meddling and impertinence, out of pity for your weakness; but
faithfulness to mine own duty will let me endure it no longer. Go, and
presume not to show your face either at table or recreation until your
work is finished. As you cannot well fold the clothes alone, I will
send Sister Bridget to help you; but mind, let not a word be spoken
between you, save what your work absolutely demands."
Angry as I was at poor Sister Catherine, I did feel sorry for her,
though I knew the reproof was just. The wardrobe and store-room have
been fearfully misordered of late, so that the moths have got into
everything. Sister Catherine was so taken aback that she was retiring
at once, when Mother Superior recalled her.
"Do you go without any sign?" said she. "Is that the way you receive
reproof and command?"
Sister Catherine knelt and kissed the ground at the superior's feet.
Again I felt truly sorry for her. When she was gone, Mother turned to
me.
"And you, minion, what is this I hear? Must you turn giglet on my
hands? Let me hear what you have to say on this matter, and beware you
tell me nothing but truth."
I felt my pride rising, but I put it down, and kneeling at her feet I
laid the packet on her lap with the seal unbroken.
"From whom had you this?" she asked.
I told her from Mrs. Anne Bullen.
"And who sent it?" she asked again.
I told her that the hand was my cousin Richard's, and that Mrs. Bullen
told me it came from him, but farther than that I did not know. I
ventured to add that it had but just been placed in my hands when
Sister Catherine came in. She looked at the packet, and her face
relaxed as she saw the seals were unbroken.
"Rosamond," said she, laying her hand on my head, as I knelt before
her, and speaking with great earnestness: "you were given me by your
own mother, the dearest friend I ever had, and I have loved you like a
daughter. I have ever found you open and true as the day, and I cannot
but believe you so still, though appearances are against you. Tell me,
as if you were speaking to the priest at confession. Is this the first
time you have received packet or token from your cousin?"
"From my cousin, or any one else," I told her.
"And what had Mistress Bullen to say to you?"
I repeated every word, as near as I could remember. She laid the packet
aside, and seemed to muse a little, still keeping her hand on my head.
"Well, well, I believe you and trust you," she said, finally. "Do you
leave the matter with me, and avoid any intimacy or conversation with
Mrs. Bullen, so far as you can without exciting remark. Remember that
though you have not taken the vows, you have promised your mother
and been promised by her, and that 'tis a deadly sin for a religious
so much as to entertain a thought of earthly love. It is treason to
your heavenly Bridegroom, to whom all your allegiance is due. He has
called you to a grace compared to which the highest earthly marriage is
degradation and pollution; and the day that sees you vowed to Him will
be the proudest of your life."
Much more she said in the same strain, as to the putting down all
earthly affections and desires, and remembering that I had now no more
to do with the world in any form. "You have talent and address," she
concluded, "and I would fain train you up to succeed me in this chair,
though it is a seat of thorns. The notion hath somehow gotten abroad
that the discipline of this house is relaxed and disordered. It was
that which brought us the Bishop's unexpected visit. I fear I have
indeed been lax in government, and that some irregularities have crept
in, as in the case of the wardrobe and storerooms, which could never
have gotten into such a state if they had had due superintendence. So
soon as the Queen leaves us we must have a thorough reform. Go now,
my child, and as this is not your day of attendance on the Queen, you
shall return to your translation, which I fear has fared but badly of
late."
And with that she gave me her blessing and dismissed me to my work. I
suppose I am very perverse. When Richard's packet was in my hand I was
so angry with him for his thoughtlessness that I cared only to get rid
of it; and now that it is out of my reach I would give anything to have
it again. I dare say it is nothing after all but a simple brotherly
gift, with some book of devotion or case of working tools, such as I
remember he promised to send me. I am not sorry I gave it to Mother
Superior, because it was the right thing to do; but—but I am a fool,
and there is an end. I will never believe that Richard hath become any
such court gallant as Mrs. Anne says. 'Twas not in his nature, and
if I had read his letter I should have found it just such a simple,
blundering epistle as he used to write me from Exeter. Strange, how my
mind runs on it!
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