SINGLE LIFE.
A wrong idea. Some designed for Single Life. The "Old Maid's"
reproach. Addison. Two errors, Reserve, and Forwardness. Virtues
of Single women. Humanity. Modesty. Economy. Neatness. Usefulness.
Hannah More. Miss Sedgwick. Miss Porter's "Aunt Rebecca." Avoid
affectation. Advice of Mrs. Hall. Two essentials, Mental
Cultivation, and Industry.
Marriage is not seldom regarded as "our being's end and aim;" hence a
young woman is often filled with a feverish anxiety to form this
connection, or at least to enter on its preliminaries, at an early
period of her life. We believe there are thousands, who never so much as
ask themselves the question, "Is it certain that I must be married, or
be miserable?" No, they assume that in one condition only can they be
happy, and in that, therefore, let what may betide them, they must
centre their every hope of coming peace.
Now I believe this impression to be erroneous; and so disastrous are its
consequences, that it should be removed from the mind of every girl who
entertains it. God has not left woman but one alternative in this
respect. Marriage is the general lot of her sex. It is productive of
joys and blessings peculiar to itself. But not always, not of necessity.
There may be, and there doubtless often is, great suffering in this
connection. No small share of this might be ultimately traced to the
fact that so many form this tie under the belief that they _must_ be
married; that all which concerns them is to ascertain who the individual
is, in whose hands they must place their whole earthly destiny.
But although Providence did intend woman, in all ordinary cases, to
enter the marriage state, yet precisely as much did He design some of
this sex to remain single. He made all for the sake of character,
usefulness, and happiness. Every institution he appointed was to be
instrumental to the production of these three grand objects. Hence woman
was not made for marriage; but marriage for woman. If in any instance it
shall appear that her improvement will probably be retarded by her
entering that state, or her usefulness less extensive, or her happiness
evidently sacrificed, then is it manifest that she belongs to the class
of exceptions. It is her duty to continue unmarried. So that it is not
simply a choice among many suitors, with the necessity of selecting or
accepting some one of them, that is given her, but the whole subject is
to be seriously pondered. If, after doing this, she is convinced that
no individual has offered her particular attentions, whose character
promises to enhance her virtue, usefulness, or happiness, then should
she calmly resolve,--let the decision be painful, as it may, and perhaps
must be,--that she will remain, under present prospects, through life,
as she is.
But the reproach of being an "old maid," how can she endure this? I
answer, let her not, in the first place, unduly magnify this reproach. I
know that certain charges are preferred against "old maids," as this
class are ignominiously termed, which do much to strengthen the
impression just spoken of. They are said to possess an inordinate
curiosity. Addison, like many others, alleges that old maids are given
to credulity, and pours on them, for this reason, contempt and raillery.
They are accused of disgusting affectation, of pretending to youth, to
censorial importance, and to an exquisite sensibility. Finally, it is
said, that they are notorious for envy, and ill-nature, being
match-breakers, because themselves unmarried. Let these charges be
destitute as they may of foundation, they doubtless impel many females
to the determination that they must and will escape this terrific
condition.
But there is no portion of the community, whose opinion we should value,
that will esteem a female the less for being in that condition where
Providence has clearly placed her. It is not true that single ladies are
usually despised, or subject to ridicule. Those who do suffer these
things, have usually brought them upon themselves by a deportment, which
might have been shunned.
Some have been derided for their excessive Reservedness of manner, for
never permitting one of the opposite sex to address them, even
indirectly, or scarcely to exchange a word with them. What else can the
prude anticipate, or reasonably require, than that she be an object of
reproach, if not of ridicule, for obstinately adhering to a manner that
must result in her perpetual singleness of life? If she debar all access
to herself, except from her own sex, misinterpret every word and all
intimations of, and thus insulate herself from, any special acquaintance
with any gentleman, let her bear the consequences without a syllable of
discontent. A morbid sensitiveness, in reference to all such company,
must, in most cases, seal one's doom.
Perhaps a young maiden takes the opposite extreme. In her anxiety to
fulfil what she deems her only possible destiny, she becomes Forward and
assuming. She regards it as necessary to force attention toward herself.
She is not of those who "to be won, must be wooed." Her aims are
obtrusive; instead of waiting for the approach of another, she makes
constant advances toward him. This fault is still more repulsive to most
gentlemen than the other. They esteem it an indication of great vanity
on the part of a young woman, and expressive of no very high sense of
their own powers of discernment, or of their delicacy of feeling. Such
persons must expect little favor at the hands of the other sex, should
all their endeavors be frustrated. "She might have been married," is
their uniform language, "had she not exhibited such boldness, and such
determination to carry one's heart by storm."
Nor will her own sex be sparing in their reproaches of one left in a
single state, after so many, and such ineffectual, efforts to change it.
The modest lady pities, and blushes for, a sister thus regardless of
proprieties. Her companions, successful by their very neglect to toil
for success, will doubtless apply to her, and with some pungency, the
epithet of "old maid." Ought she to repine at the fruit of her own
indiscretion and folly?
Far different is the estimate usually formed of her who, by unforeseen
and inevitable circumstances, or by a wise preference, continues single.
Such cannot fail of being generally respected in society. That they are
thus situated is perceived to be no fault of theirs, but, at most, a
misfortune. In a multitude of these instances a young woman shall be
the more respected for remaining unmarried. It argues a moral
independence, a regard not only for her immediate happiness, but for her
personal character, which cannot fail to excite, in all candid and
generous minds, a true admiration.
There are several traits characteristic, in some degree, of what is
termed an "old maid," that are in reality to be ranked among the higher
Virtues.
Such persons are usually marked by their Humanity. Not being exclusively
devoted to one individual, or one small circle of individuals, they find
objects of interest everywhere around them. She who retains her
cheerfulness in this state, is often an invaluable friend among the
sick, and the suffering poor. She has leisure to follow out her kind
impulses. They are not contracted to a single sphere, but wherever she
can go and do good, thither her steps hasten. Even the inferior creation
share her attentions. There is many an eye, not radiant with reason, nor
accompanied by the powers of speech, that is yet eloquent in praise of
her kindness.
Single women are usually adorned with Modesty. Some may court publicity,
and pant for the forum, or the pulpit, but they are the few. Most ladies
of this class are graced by a retiring manner, and quiet habits, and a
gentle address. These traits we all prize in woman. Even in their
excess, though they have virtually caused an individual to be single,
they still have attendant advantages. They are certainly an ornament to
the character, giving new lustre to what we, perhaps with difficulty,
discovered beneath them.
Economy is another characteristic of a single woman. It may degenerate
to a fault, it is true; but in most of those in this condition it is so
restricted, as to be a theme not for censure, but approbation. In a
country like ours, where, if fortunes are often made, they are also not
seldom lost, in a day, this virtue is of prime concern. And everywhere
it is an incumbent duty of the Christian to "gather up the fragments,
that nothing be lost." She who does this may be a most valuable
auxiliary in the family she resides with.
Suppose one partly dependent, for her subsistence, on her manual
exertions, or an inmate in the house of a relative or friend, she may do
great good by an habitual watchfulness that nothing be wasted. Servants
are proverbially lavish and careless in this matter. The head of the
family may be deficient in economy, or what is by no means uncommon, so
engrossed with other inevitable cares, as to have little time to look
after the savings, which might daily be made. But here is an individual,
whose habits prompt her to the service, and who has leisure to make
herself useful in this manner.
Unmarried ladies are usually distinguished for their Neatness. We often
hear it said of another, "She is so afraid of a speck of dirt, that she
will certainly be an old maid." If this be the chief index of that
character, it is one which the married lady would do well to imitate,
rather than deride. The personal habits can be excusably neglected by no
one. If those, charged with the care of families, are so absorbed in
their employments, as to pay little attention to neatness in dress,
their condition is deplorable. She who has less to interfere with this
all-important quality, and who, therefore, gives much time to
cleanliness, order, and neatness, is to be envied, not censured. Should
she hereafter be placed in the situation of a wife and matron, her
partner will rejoice in those circumstances, which contributed to this
most valuable trait in her character.
Single women are sometimes more Useful than they would have been, if
married. Such cases are probably rare; yet the capacity of doing as much
good in that state as another, should reconcile one to what might,
otherwise, appear an evil. Who can estimate the amount of virtue and
piety, that might be traced to the writings of Hannah More? Had she been
married, the world might have lost the whole of these sixty years' toil
in the cause of humanity. How large is our debt to the accomplished
authoress of "Home," and of those manifold publications of the same
character, that enlighten, and bless, the youth of our age.
Nor is it in literary walks alone that this class have proved signal
benefactors of their species. In the domestic sphere, amid scenes of
sickness and affliction, how often have they proved ministering angels.
Miss Porter, I think it is, has a character in one of her works, which
she names "Aunt Rebecca," who was full of kind offices among the
families in her neighborhood, taking care of the sick, supplying the
place of absent mothers, and aiding relatives and friends with
promptness, in their times of trouble and grief. The reader is sometimes
tempted to smile at the abuses of her good nature by the selfish and
indolent; yet the character suggests to us the noble field of usefulness
allotted to many, who are often supposed to lead a course of life
contrary to nature.
Having so many virtues incident to her condition, and enjoying such
opportunities to do an amount of good, and of course to secure a degree
of happiness, denied to those in married life, why should an individual
repine at this lot? Single women, it is well known, are sometimes
envious, querulous, discontented, and restless. "Who can shew us any
good in our state?" ask some. "Providence made us, like the rest of our
sex, for love, yet we are doomed to be indifferent. It is our fate not
to be loved."
In the agony of despair such array themselves, perhaps to old age, in
attractive dresses and a profusion of jewelry, and affect the air of
young ladies. But these views and practices are founded in error.
Reflect upon the case, and you will see, that it is no more a law of God
that your sex in general should love and be loved, and should marry,
than it is that some of their number should remain single. She, who thus
considers, is prepared to inquire whether she herself may not possibly
belong to that class, and to be content in that condition, should
circumstances seem to ordain her for it.
The advice of an English lady on this point seems peculiarly pertinent.
"Let women," says she, "of a certain age beware of the affectation of
youth, if they would avoid the shipwreck of their respectability and
character. As the loveliness of girlhood fades from their cheeks, and
the liquid brilliancy of youth departs from their eyes, let them make
unto themselves charms which neither the rust nor moth of time can
corrupt; let the warmth of goodness yield its gentle tinting to their
cheek, and let tears of tenderness, of mercy, of loving-kindness, make
their eyes moist with those beauties which will not be destroyed, but
perfected hereafter. We must all fade, but it is in our power to
exchange our charms. Keeping far from us envyings, strife, jealousy,
evil-speaking, let us, as our days increase, improve in wisdom and good
deeds; caring for the young, comforting the old, and rendering our home
the throne of domestic happiness."
There are two things requisite, I believe, however, to the enjoyment of
its best effects, in a single state. The lady, who proposes to herself
this destination, should cultivate her Mind. A good education prepares
one for any fortune, or condition of life. She, who has stores of
knowledge and a well-balanced intellect, will find herself possessed of
unfailing resources, both of improvement and happiness. It is the
ignorant, those whose thoughts feed on vacuity, and who, through the
want of mental culture, dwell incessantly on degrading subjects, that
suffer in the single state.
The other preparation I referred to, is Occupation, habits of industry.
An intelligent person may be indolent, and if so, the mental cultivation
she has enjoyed may only serve to expose her feelings to more acute
pain, from her solitary state. But she who is diligent in domestic
economy, in the use of her needle, in the daily reading of valuable
works, and especially in doing good, as she has opportunity, to others,
can hardly be miserable, because unmarried. She will make friends,
wherever she may reside, and find hearts rejoicing to reciprocate her
affection.