Before I knew it, she was thinking I had suddenly gone mad. She was
shouting "Mubby" for help--her husband's pet name....
The little fool! I caught her over the mouth with a grim hand.
"Don't do that ... can't a fellow play once in a while?"
"But it wasn't _all_ play, was it?"
"No, I really saw the cave, and the primeval landscape.
"Shall I tell you some more?"
"No, it frightens me too much ... it seems too real. And you've bruised
me, and my head feels as if you've torn half my hair out."
"Why did you call out your husband's pet name?"
"I don't know ... did I?"
"Yes!"
"After a pause in the dark.
"Tell me, was he ... was Mubby.. back there, in our former life?"
"O yes, he was there."
"And Darrie, too?"
"Yes, Darrie, too!"
"If my name was Naa and your name was Kaa, what were their names?"
"Mubby was named Baa and Darrie was Blaa!"
This convulsed Hildreth.
"You great, big, sweet fool of a poet, I do love you, I really do!"
* * * * *
"We were made for each other in every way ... my head just fits your
shoulder," she observed quaintly.
* * * * *
"Mubby came down to me this morning," said Hildreth one evening, "and
pleaded to be taken back again ... as husband...."
"And what?--"
"What did I do?... when I love you?... the mere idea made me sick to
think of. I couldn't endure him again."
* * * * *
One afternoon Penton and Hildreth were closeted together from lunch to
dark. It was my turn to cry out in my heart, and suffer agonies of
imagination.
* * * * *
The next morning Hildreth began packing up, with the aid of Mrs. Jones.
I came upon her, in the library, where I had gone to get a book. My face
fell dismally.
"I can't endure it any longer, Johnnie, I'm going back home, to New York
... my father will take me in."
"And how about me?"
"--wait patiently a few days then, if you still feel the same about me,
follow me!... and, until you come to join me, write me at least three
times a day."
"I'll do it ..." then I couldn't help being playful again, "I'll write
you entirely in cave-fashion."
"I am taking a big step, Johnnie, I'm through with Penton Baxter
forever--but I wonder if my new life is to be with you ... you are such
an irresponsible, delightful madman at times....
"You're wonderful as a lover ... but as a man with a woman to take care
of--!"
"Don't worry about that! just give me a chance, and I'll show you I can
be practical too."
* * * * *
Hildreth had gone. With her going the bottom seemed to drop out of my
existence, leaving a black hole where it had fallen through. I walked
about, looking so truly miserable, that even Baxter spoke with gentle
consideration to me.
"Poor Johnnie, to think you'd run into a proposition like this, the
first pop out of the box."
"No, it isn't what you think ... I'm getting malaria, I believe."
* * * * *
But to be deprived of her, my first love. No longer to be in her
presence, no longer to watch her quiet smile, the lovely droop of her
mouth's corner ... to feed on the kisses no more that had become as
necessary as daily bread itself to me--
I began to lose weight ... to start up in the night, after a brief fit
of false slumber, hearing myself, as if it were an alien voice, crying
her name aloud....
I whispered and talked tender, whimsical, silly things to my pillow,
holding it in my arms, as if it were she....
* * * * *
Each day I sent her four, five letters ... letters full of madness,
absurdity, love, despair, wild expressions of intimacy that I would Have
died to know anybody else ever saw.
Her first letter in return burned me alive with happiness....
* * * * *
"--you know why she went to the city," Penton teased, "it's because
'Gene Mallows, the California poet, is up there. He and she got on
pretty well when we were on the coast."
"You lie!" I bellowed, beside myself, "Hildreth will be faithful to me
... she has promised."
Penton Baxter looked me up and down, courageously, coolly, for a long
time. Slowly I realised what I had just said.
"That's all I wanted to know, John Gregory! I've got it out of you at
last!"
He turned on his heel.
Changing his mind, he faced me again. This time there was a despairful
agony of kindness in his face.
"Dear boy, I'm sorry for all this thing that has come between us. But
there is yet time for you to keep out of it. Hildreth and I are done
with each other forever ... but you needn't be mixed up in this
affair....
"Johnnie, let her stay in New York, and, no matter how much she wants
you, don't go up there to join her."
"I love her. I adore her. I want to be where she is. Now the whole truth
is out."
"My poor friend!"
"Don't call me your friend--you--"
He tightened his lips....
"If you go up there to join her, remember that I gave you fair warning."
* * * * *
I could endure it no longer, the torment of not seeing her, of not being
with her....