But to stick to my route
'Twill be hard, if some novelty can't be struck out.
Is there no Algerine, no Kamschatkan arrived?
No plenipo-pacha, three tail'd and three wived?
No Russian, whose dissonant, consonant name
Almost rattles to fragments the trumpet of fame?
POSTSCRIPT.
By the bye, have you found any friend who can construe
That Latin account, t'other day, of a monster?
If we can't get a Russian--and that story in Latin
Be not _too_ improper, I think I'll bring that in.
MOORE.
A few mornings after this colloquy with his uncle, Newton was very busy
perambulating the streets of London, in search of various requisites for
his trip to India, when his hand was seized before he had time to call
to mind the features of the party who shook it with such apparent
warmth.
"My dear Mr Forster, I am so delighted to see you, so happy to hear of
your gallant adventure with the French squadron. Mrs Plausible will be
quite pleased at meeting her old shipmate; she often talks about you. I
must make sure of you," continued the doctor, drawing from his pocket a
large packet of cards, and inserting, at the top of one of them, Newton
Forster's name with his pencil. "This is an invitation to our
_conversazione_ of to-morrow night, which you must do us the honour to
accept. We shall have all the scientific men of the day, and a very
pretty sprinkling of nobility, if not something more. However, you will
see. Shall I tell Mrs Plausible that you will come, or will you
disappoint her?"
"Why," replied Newton, "if I possibly can I will. I presume the hour is
not very precise?"
"O no, from nine until two or three; but if you wish to see great
people, about eleven is the exact time."
"Well, then," replied Newton, "the time which suits great people also
suits me. I hope Mrs Plausible is quite well."
"Quite well, I thank you. Good-bye;" and Dr Plausible hurried off so
quickly, that Newton was induced to look after him, to ascertain what
could induce such precipitation. He perceived Dr Plausible shaking
hands warmly with another gentleman, and after a few seconds, the packet
of cards was again pulled out of his pocket, and the pencil in
requisition. It will be necessary to go back a little, to acquaint the
reader with what had occurred since the acceptation of Dr Plausible by
Miss Tavistock, when they were on board of the Bombay Castle. On their
arrival at Madras, Miss Tavistock's early and dearest friend, who
resided in the up-country, had commissioned an acquaintance to receive
Miss Tavistock until they could make arrangements for her journey to the
interior. By this female acquaintance Miss Tavistock was kindly
welcomed, and received into her house; but Miss Tavistock's prospects
having altered, so had all her devoted attachments to the friend of her
early years. She wrote, announcing her intended change of condition,
and regretting that Dr Plausible's affairs, requiring his immediate
presence in England, would prevent her having the delight of embracing
one, who was so entwined round her heart. The letter was nevertheless
very cold, and Miss Tavistock was very much abused by her dearest
friend, who, disappointed in her expectations, did not even condescend
an answer. In a week Miss Tavistock was united to Dr Plausible, and in
less than a fortnight afterwards they were on their passage home. Dr
Plausible found that his wife's report of her circumstances was correct,
and that now he had the means of keeping his carriage and of seeing
company in moderation. Shortly after their return Dr Plausible took
the lease of a house in a betwixt and between fashionable street, and
not wishing to remain idle, attempted to get into practice as an
accoucheur; for although the fortune brought by his wife was
considerable, still, to keep his carriage in London, he was obliged "to
sail nearer to the wind," in other points than he found agreeable:
moreover he was ambitious. A night-bell, with "night-bell" in capital
letters over it, that people might be aware in the broad day that it was
a night-bell, which of course they could not read in the dark, was
attached to one side of the street door. It was as loud as an
alarum-bell, and when rung, was to be heard from Number 12 to Number 44,
in the street where Dr Plausible resided.
There are little secrets in all trades; and one is, how to obtain
practice as a medical man, which whole mystery consists in making people
believe that you have a great deal. When this is credited, practice
immediately follows; and Dr Plausible was aware of the fact. At first
setting off the carriage drew up to the door occasionally, and stood
there for some time, when the doctor made his appearance, and stepped
in. He then took a round of about three hours through every fashionable
part of the town, sitting well forward, that every body might see him,
apparently examining his visiting-book. At times he would pull up at
some distinguished person's door, where were two or three carriages
before him, and getting out, would go in to the porter to ask some
frivolous question. Another _ruse_ was, to hammer at some titled
mansion, and inquire for another titled person, by mistake. This
occupied the morning; after which Doctor Plausible returned home.
During the first month the night-bell was rung two or three times a week
by the watchman, who was fee'd for his trouble; but after that period it
increased its duties, until it was in motion once, if not twice, every
night, and his disturbed neighbours wished Doctor Plausible and his
extensive practice at the devil. The carriage also was now rattled to
the door in a hurry, and Doctor Plausible was seen to enter with his
case of instruments, and drive off with rapidity, sometimes twice a day.
In the mean time Mrs Plausible did her part, as she extended her
acquaintance with her neighbours. She constantly railed against a
medical husband; declared that Doctor Plausible was never at home, and
it was impossible to say at what hour they might dine. The tables also
were strewed with the cards of great and fashionable people, obtained by
Doctor Plausible from a celebrated engraver's shop, by a douceur to the
shopman, when the master was absent. At last Doctor Plausible's
instruments were used in good earnest; and, although not known or even
heard of in the fashionable world, he was sent for by the would-be
fashionables, because they imagined that he was employed by their
betters. Now it so happened that in the same street there lived another
medical man, almost a prototype of Doctor Plausible, only not quite so
well off in the world. His name was Doctor Feasible. His practice was
not extensive, and he was incumbered with a wife and large family. He
also very naturally wished to extend his practice and his reputation;
and, after many fruitless attempts, he at last hit upon a scheme which
he thought promised to be successful.
"My dear," said he, one morning to his wife, "I am thinking of getting
up a _conversazione_."
"A _conversazione_, my love!--why, is not that a very expensive affair?"
"Why, not very. But if it brings me practice, it will be money well
laid out."
"Yes, my love, if it does, and if we had the money to lay out."
"Something must be done. I have hardly a patient left. I have an idea
that it will succeed. Go, my dear, and make up this prescription, and
let the boy take it to Mrs Bluestone's. I wish I had a couple of dozen
of patients like her.--I write her prescriptions, take my fee, and then,
that I may be sure that it is properly made up, I volunteer to take it
to the chemist's myself."
"Pray, what is the complaint of Mrs Bluestone, my love?"
"Nothing; she over-eats herself--that's all. Abernethy would cure her
in twenty-four hours."
"Well, but, my love, about this _conversazione_?"
"Go, and make up the prescription, my dear, and we'll talk the matter
over afterwards."
They did so. A list of the people they were acquainted with was drawn
out, the expense calculated, and the affair settled.
The first point to be considered was the size of the cards.
"These, my love," said Mrs Feasible, who came in from a long walk with
her bonnet still on, "these are three shillings and sixpence a hundred;
and these, which are a size larger, are four-and-sixpence. Which do you
think we ought to have?"
"Why, really, my dear, when one sends out so many, I do not see why we
should incur unnecessary expense. The three-and-sixpenny ones are quite
large enough."
"And the engraving will be fourteen shillings."
"Well, that will only be a first expense. _Conversazione_, in old
English, of course."
"And here, my love, are the ribbons for the maid's caps and sashes; I
bought them at Waterloo House, very cheap, and a very pretty
candle-light colour."
"Did you speak to them about their gowns?"
"Yes, my love; Sally and Peggy have each a white gown, Betty I can lend
one of my own."
The difference between a _conversazione_ and a rout is simply this:--in
the former you are expected to talk or listen; but to be too ethereal to
eat. In the latter, to be squeezed in a crowd, and eat ices, etcetera,
to cool yourself. A _conversazione_ has, therefore, a great advantage
over the latter, as far as the pocket is concerned, it being much
cheaper to procure food for the mind than food for the body. It would
appear that tea has been as completely established the beverage of
modern scientific men, as nectar was formerly that of the gods. The
Athenaeum gives tea; and I observed in a late newspaper, that Lord
G--- has promised tea to the Geographical Society. Had his lordship
been aware that there was a beverage invented on board a ship much more
appropriate to the science over which he presides than tea, I feel
convinced he would have substituted it immediately; and I therefore take
this opportunity of informing him that sailors have long made use of a
compound which actually goes by the name of _geograffy_, which is only a
trifling corruption of the name of the science, arising from their
laying the accent on the penultimate. I will now give his lordship the
receipt, which is most simple.
Take a tin-pot, go to the scuttle-butt (having obtained permission from
the quarter-deck), and draw off about half a pint of very offensive
smelling water. To this add a gill of vinegar and a ship's biscuit
broke up into small pieces. Stir it well up with the fore-finger; and
then with the fore-finger and thumb you may pull out the pieces of
biscuit, and eat them as fast as you please, drinking the liquor to wash
all down.
Now this would be the very composition to hand round to the Geographical
Society. It is not christened geography without a reason; the vinegar
and water representing the green sea, and the pieces of biscuit floating
in it, the continents and islands which are washed by it.
Now, my lord, do not you thank me for my communication?
But we must return to the _conversazione_ of Doctor and Mrs Feasible.
The company arrived. There was rap after rap. The whole street was
astonished with the noise of the wheels and the rattling of the iron
steps of the hackney-coaches. Doctor Feasible had procured some
portfolios of prints: some Indian idols from a shop in Wardour Street,
duly labelled and christened, and several other odds and ends, to create
matter of conversation. The company consisted of several medical
gentlemen and their wives, the great Mr B---, and the facetious Mr
C---. There were ten or twelve authors, or gentlemen suspected of
authorship, fourteen or fifteen chemists, all scientific of course, one
colonel, half-a-dozen captains, and, to crown all, a city knight and his
lady, besides their general acquaintance, unscientific and
unprofessional. For a beginning this was very well; and the company
departed very hungry, but highly delighted with their evening's
entertainment.
"What can all that noise be about?" said Mrs Plausible to her husband,
who was sitting with her in the drawing-room, reading the Lancet, while
she knotted, or _did not_.
"I am sure I cannot tell, Mrs Plausible."
"There, again! I'm sure if I have heard one, I have heard thirty raps
at a door within this quarter of an hour. I'm determined I will know
what it is," continued Mrs Plausible, getting up and ringing the bell.
"Thomas, do you know what all that noise is about?" said Mrs Plausible,
when the servant answered the bell.
"No, ma'am, I doesn't."
"Well, then, go and see."
"Yes, ma'am."
The impatience of Mrs Plausible, during the absence of Thomas,
increased with the repetition of the knocks.
"Well, Thomas?" said she, as the footman entered. "If you please,
ma'am, Mr Feasible has got a conwersation--that's all."
"Got a what?"
"A _conversazione_ he means, my dear. It's very strange that Mr
Feasible should pretend to give such a thing!"
"I think so too," replied the lady. "He keeps no carriage. What can be
his inducement!"
"I perceive," replied Dr Plausible, "he wants to get practice. Depend
upon it that's his plan. A sprat to catch a mackerel!"
Husband and wife were again silent, and resumed their occupations; but
the Lancet was not read, and the knotting was all in knots, for they
were both in a brown study. At last Mrs Plausible commenced--
"I really do not see, my dear, why we should not give a _conversazione_
as well as Dr Feasible?"
"I was just thinking that we could give them much better; our
acquaintance now is very numerous."
"And very respectable," replied the lady; "it will make us more known in
the world."
"And add to my practice. I'll soon beat Doctor Feasible out of the
field!"
The result of this conversation was a _conversazione_, which certainly
was on a much better scale, and better attended than the one collected
by Doctor Feasible. Doctor Plausible had pumped a mutual acquaintance
as to the merits of his rival, and had set to work with great diligence.
He ordered his carriage, and for two or three days previous to the one
fixed, went round to all his friends, who had curiosities, foreign,
indigenous, or continental, admired them, talked learnedly, expressed a
wish to exhibit them to several gentlemen of talent at his next
conversazione, pulled out a card for the party, and succeeded in
returning home with his carriage stuffed with curiosities and
monstrosities.
Negus and cherry-water were added to tea in the refreshment-room; and
the conversazione of Doctor Plausible was pronounced by those who had
been invited to both, infinitely superior to that of Doctor Feasible. A
good-natured friend called upon Doctor and Mrs Feasible with the news.
They pretended indifference, as they bit their lips to conceal their
vexation. As soon as he took his leave--
"Well, my dear," said Mrs Feasible, "what do you think of this? Very
unhandsome on the part of Doctor Plausible! I was told this morning
that several of our acquaintances have expressed a wish to be introduced
to him."
"We must not give up the point, my love. Doctor Plausible may make a
splash once; but I suspect that his horses eat him out of house and
home, and interfere very much with the butcher's bills. If so, we who
keep no carriage can afford it better. But it's very annoying, as there
will be an increase of expense."
"Very annoying, indeed!" replied the lady. "Look at his card, my dear,
it is nearly twice as large as ours. I begged it of Mr Tomkins, on
purpose to compare it."
"Well then, my dear, we must order others, and mind that they measure an
inch more than his. It shall cost him something before we have done,
I'm determined."
"You heard what Mr Smithson said? They gave negus and cherry-water."
"We must do the same. I've a great mind to give ices."
"Oh! my love, remember the expense."
"Very true; but we can ice our negus and cherry-water. Rough ice is
only two-pence a pound, I believe."
"Well, that will be an improvement."
"And there shall be more, or I'll be in the Bench," replied the Doctor
in his wrath.
The next _conversazione_, for which cards were issued by Doctor
Feasible, was on a superior scale. There was a considerable increase of
company. He had persuaded a country baronet; secured the patronage of
two ladies of rank (with a slight blot on their escutcheons), and
collected, amongst others, a French count (or adventurer), a baron with
mustachios, two German students in their costumes and long hair, and an
actress of some reputation. He had also procured the head of a New
Zealand chief; some red snow, or rather red water (for it was melted),
brought home by Captain Ross; a piece of granite from the Croker
mountains; a kitten in spirits, with two heads and twelve legs, and
half-a-dozen abortions of the feathered or creeping tribes. Every thing
went off well. The two last fees he had received were sacrificed to
have the party announced in the Morning Post, and Doctor Feasible's
triumph was complete.
But it was not to last long. In ten days Dr Plausible's cards were
again issued, larger than Doctor Feasible's, and with a handsome
embossed border of lilies and roses. Male attendants, tea and coffee,
ices and liqueurs were prepared; and Dr Feasible's heart failed him,
when he witnessed the ingress and egress of the pastrycooks, with their
boxes on their heads. Among his company he had already mustered up five
celebrated blues; four ladies of quality, of better reputation than Dr
Feasible's; seven or eight baronets and knights; a bishop of Fernando
Po; three or four general officers; and a dozen French and German
visitors to the country, who had not only titles, but wore orders at
their button-holes. Thus far had he advanced when he met Newton
Forster, and added him to the list of the invited. In about two hours
afterwards Dr Plausible returned home to his wife, radiant with smiles.
"My dear, who _do_ you think has promised to come to-morrow night?"
"Who, my love?"
"Prince Fizzybelli!"
"You don't say so?" screamed the lady with her delight.
"Yes, most faithfully promised."
"What _will_ the Feasibles say?" cried the lady;--"but--is he a real
prince?"
"A real prince! O yes, indeed is he! well known in Tartary."
"Well, Dr Plausible, I have good news for you. Here is a note from Mr
H---, in answer to yours, in which he promises you the loan of the wax
figure from Germany, of a female in the first stage of par--partu--I
can't make out the word."
"Excellent! most excellent!" cried the doctor, rubbing his hands; "now
we _shall_ do."
Newton, who had some curiosity to see a _conversazione_, which to him
was a _terra incognita_, did not fail to go at the appointed hour. He
was ushered up stairs into the drawing-room, at the door of which he was
received by Mrs Plausible, in blue and silver. The rooms not being
very large, were extremely crowded, and Newton at one moment found
himself jammed against some curiosity, and at another treading on the
toes or heels of people who accepted his apologies, looking daggers; and
with a snarling, "don't mention it."
But a thundering knock at the door was followed by the announcement of
his Highness Prince Fizzybelli--Prince Fizzybelli at the door--Prince
Fizzybelli coming up--Prince Fizzybelli (enters).
Had it been permitted, Dr Plausible would have received his guest with
a flourish of trumpets, as great men are upon the stage, without which
it is impossible now-a-days to know a great man from a little one.
However, the hired attendants did their duty, and the name of Fizzybelli
was fizzed about the room in every direction. Dr Plausible trod on the
corns of old Lady G---, upset Miss Periwinkle, and nearly knocked down a
French _savant_, in his struggle to obtain the door to receive his
honoured guest, who made a bow, looked at the crowd--looked at the
chandelier--looked at his watch, and looked very tired in the course of
five minutes, when Prince Fizzybelli ordered his carriage, and was off.
Newton, who had examined several very strange things, which occupied the
tables about the room, at last made his way to the ante-room, where the
crowd was much more dense than elsewhere. Taking it for granted that
there was something interesting to be seen, he persevered until he had
forced his way to the centre, when what was his astonishment when he
beheld under a long glass-case a figure of a woman modelled in wax, of
exact and certainly of beautiful proportion! It was as large as life,
and in a state of perfect nudity. The face lifted up, and discovered
the muscles beneath: in fact, every part of the image could be removed,
and presented to the curious, every part of the human frame, modelled
exact, and coloured. Newton was indeed astonished: he had witnessed
several articles in the other room, which he had considered more fitted
for the museum of an institution than a drawing-room; but this was
indeed a novelty; and when, to crown all, he witnessed certain little
_demireps_ of science, who fancied that not to be ashamed was now as
much a proof of knowledge, as in our first parents it was of innocence,
and who eyed the figure without turning away from it or blushing, he
quitted the room with disgust, and returned home quite satisfied with
one _conversazione_.
I am not partial to blues: generally speaking, ladies do not take up
science until they find that the men will not take up them; and a
remarkably clever woman by reputation is too often a remarkably
unpleasant, or a remarkably ugly one. But there are exceptions;
exceptions that a nation may be proud of--women who can fulfil their
duties to their husbands and their children, to their God and to their
neighbour, although endowed with minds more powerful than allotted to
one man in tens of thousands. These are heavenly blues; and, among the
few, no one shines more pre-eminent than my dear Mrs S---e.
However, whether Newton was satisfied or not, this _conversazione_ was a
finisher to Dr Feasible, who resigned the contest. Dr Plausible not
only carried away the palm--but, what was still worse, he carried off
the "practice!"