That she is mad, 'tis true: 'tis true, 'tis pity;
And pity 'tis, 'tis true: a foolish figure;
But farewell it, for I will use no art.
Mad let us grant her then; and now remains
That we find out the cause of this effect,
Or rather say, the cause of this defect.
SHAKESPEARE.
Mr Dragwell has already made honourable mention of his wife; it will
therefore only be necessary to add, that he had one daughter, a handsome
lively girl, engaged to a Mr Ramsden, the new surgeon of the place, who
had stepped into the shoes and the good-will of one who had retired from
forty years' practice upon the good people of Overton. Fanny Dragwell
had many good qualities, and many others which were rather doubtful.
One of the latter had procured her more enemies than at her age she had
any right to expect. It was what the French term "malice," which bears
a very different signification from the same word in our own language.
She delighted in all practical jokes, and would carry them to an excess,
at the very idea of which others would be startled; but it must be
acknowledged that she generally selected as her victims those who from
their conduct towards others richly deserved retaliation. The various
tricks which she had played upon certain cross old spinsters, tatlers,
scandalmongers, and backbiters, often were the theme of conversation and
of mirth: but this description of _espieglerie_ contains a most serious
objection; which is, that to carry on a successful and well arranged
plot, there must be a total disregard of truth. Latterly, Miss Fanny
had had no one to practise upon except Mr Ramsden, during the period of
his courtship--a period at which women never appear to so much
advantage, nor men appear so silly. But even for this, the time was
past, as latterly she had become so much attached to him that distress
on his part was a source of annoyance to herself. When therefore her
father came home, narrating the circumstances which had occurred, and
the plan which had been meditated, Fanny entered gaily into the scheme.
Mrs Forster had long been her abhorrence; and an insult to Mr Ramsden,
who had latterly been designated by Mrs Forster as a "Pill-gilding
Puppy," was not to be forgotten. Her active and inventive mind
immediately conceived a plan which would enable her to carry the joke
much farther than the original projectors had intended. Ramsden, who
had been summoned to attend poor Mr Spinney, was her sole confidant,
and readily entered into a scheme which was pleasing to his mistress,
and promised revenge for the treatment he had received; and which, as
Miss Dragwell declared, would be nothing but retributive justice upon
Mrs Forster.
Late in the evening, a message was received from Newton Forster,
requesting that Mr Ramsden would attend his mother. He had just
visited the old clerk, who was now sensible, and had nothing to complain
of except a deep cut on his temple from the rim of the pewter-pot.
After receiving a few parting injunctions from Miss Dragwell, Mr
Ramsden quitted the parsonage.
"I am afraid it's a very bad business, Mr Forster," replied the surgeon
to Newton, who had been interrogating him relative to the injury
received by Mr Spinney. "Evident concussion of the brain: he may
live--or he may not; a few days will decide the point: he is a poor
feeble old man."
Newton sighed as he reflected upon the disaster and disgrace which might
ensue from his mother's violence of temper.
"Eh! what, Mr Ramsden?" said Nicholas, who had been for some time
contemplating the battered visage of his spouse. "Did you say, she'll
die?"
"No, no, Mr Forster, there's no fear of Mrs Forster, she'll do well
enough. She'll be up and about again in a day or two, as lively as
ever."
"God forbid!" muttered the absent Nicholas.
"Mr Forster, see if I don't pay you off for that, as soon as I'm up
again," muttered the recumbent lady, as well as the bandages passed
under her chin would permit her.
"Pray call early to-morrow, Mr Ramsden, and let us know how Mr Spinney
is going on," said Newton, extending his hand as the surgeon rose to
depart. Mr Ramsden shook it warmly, and quitted the house: he had left
them about half an hour when Betsy made her appearance with some
fomentations, which had been prepared in the kitchen. Out of revenge
for sundry blows daily received, and sundry epithets hourly bestowed
upon her by her mistress, the moment she entered she exclaimed, in a
half-crying tone, "O dear, Mr Newton! there's such shocking news just
come from the parsonage; Mr Spinney is just dead--and my Missis will be
hanged!"
Mrs Forster said not a word; she quailed under dread of the report
being correct. Newton and his father looked at each other; their mute
anguish was expressed by covering up their faces with their hands.
When Hilton and the curate arranged their plans for the mortification of
Mrs Forster, it was considered advisable that Newton (who was not so
easily to be imposed upon) should be removed out of the way. Hilton had
already stated his intention to give him in charge of the vessel, and he
now proposed sending him for a cargo of shingle, which was lying ready
for her, about fifty miles down the coast, and which was to be delivered
at Waterford. At an early hour, on the ensuing morning, he called at
Forster's house. Newton, who had not taken off his clothes, came out to
meet him.
"Well, Newton, how is your mother?" said Hilton. "I hope you are not
angry with me: I certainly was the occasion of the accident, but I could
not bear to see your worthy father treated in that manner."
"I blush to acknowledge, Mr Hilton, that she deserved it all," replied
Newton; "but I am very much alarmed about the condition of Mr Spinney.
Have you heard this morning?"
"No; but between ourselves, Newton, doctors always make the worst of
their cases. I never heard of a pewter pot killing a man; he'll do well
enough, never fear. I came to tell you that I've a letter last night
from Repton, who says that the shingle must be delivered before the
tenth of next month, or the contract will be void. He desires that I
will send the sloop directly, or he must employ another craft. Now, I
think you had better start at once; there's a nice fair wind for you,
and you'll be down afore night."
"Why, really, Mr Hilton, I do not exactly like to leave home just now,"
replied Newton, thoughtfully.
"Well, as you please, Mr Forster," rejoined Hilton, with apparent
displeasure. "I have offered you the command of the vessel, and now you
object to serve my interests on the very first occasion, merely because
there are a couple of broken heads!"
"I am wrong, most certainly," replied Newton; "I beg your pardon--I will
just speak a word or two to my father, and be on board in less than half
an hour."
"I will meet you there," said Hilton, "and bring your papers. Be as
quick as you can, or you'll lose the first of the tide."
Newton returned to the house; his father made no objection to his
departure; and, in fulfilment of his promise, Newton was ready to start,
when he encountered Ramsden at the door.
"Mr Ramsden," said Newton, "I am requested by the owner of my vessel to
sail immediately; but if you think that the life of Mr Spinney is
seriously in danger, I will throw up the command of the vessel, rather
than leave my mother under such an accumulation of disasters. I beg as
a favour that you will not disguise the truth."
"You may sail this minute, if you please, Mr Forster; I am happy to be
able to relieve your mind. Mr Spinney is doing very well, and you'll
see him at his desk on the first Sunday of your return."
"Then I am off: good-bye, Mr Ramsden; many thanks."
With a lightened heart, Newton leapt into the skiff which was to carry
him on board of the sloop; and in less than half an hour was standing
away to the southward before a fine wind, to execute the orders which he
had received.
Ramsden remained a few minutes at the door, until he saw Newton ascend
the side of the vessel; then he entered, and was received by Betsy.
"Well, Betsy, you agreed to make Mrs Forster believe that Mr Spinney
was dead; but we little thought that such would really be the case."
"Lord love you, sir! why you don't say so?"
"I do, indeed, Betsy; but mind, we must keep it a secret for the
present, until we can get Mrs Forster out of the way. How is she this
morning?"
"Oh, very stiff, and very cross, sir."
"I'll go up to her," replied Ramsden "but recollect, Betsy, that you do
not mention it to a soul;" and Ramsden ascended the stairs.
"Well, Mrs Forster, how do you feel this morning? do you think you
could get up?"
"Get up, Mr Ramsden! not to save my soul--I can't even turn on my
side."
"Very sorry to hear it, indeed," replied the surgeon; "I was in hopes
that you might have been able to bear a journey."
"Bear a journey, Mr Ramsden! why bear a journey?"
"I am sorry to inform you that Mr Spinney's gone--poor old man! There
must be a coroner's inquest. Now, it would be as well if you were not
to be found, for the verdict will be `Wilful Murder!'"
"O dear! O dear!" exclaimed Mrs Forster, jumping out of her bed with
fright, and wringing her hands: "What can I do?--what can I do?"
"At present it is a secret, Mrs Forster, but it cannot be so long.
Miss Dragwell, who feels for you very much, begged me not to say a word
about it. She will call and consult with you, if you would like to see
her. Sad thing indeed, Mrs Forster, to be placed in such a situation
by a foolish husband."
"You may well say that, Mr Ramsden," replied the lady, with asperity;
"he is the greatest fool that ever God made! Every one knows what a
sweet temper I was before I married; but flesh and blood cannot bear
what I am subjected to."
"Would you like to see Miss Dragwell?"
"Yes, very much; I always thought her a very nice girl;--a little wild--
a little forward indeed, and apt to be impertinent; but still, rather a
nice girl."
"Well, then, I will tell her to call, and the sooner the better, for
when it is known, the whole town will be in an uproar. I should not be
surprised if they attacked the house--the people will be so indignant."
"I don't wonder at it," replied Mrs Forster; "nothing can excuse such
provocation as I receive from my husband, stupid wretch!"
"Good morning, Mrs Forster; do you think then that you could bear
moving?"
"O yes! O yes! But where am I to go?"
"That I really cannot form an idea--you had better consult with Miss
Dragwell.--Depend upon it, Mrs Forster, that I will be most happy to
render you all my assistance in this unfortunate dilemma."
"You're very good," snarled Mrs Forster: and Ramsden quitted the room.
I have one or two acquaintances, to whom, if I wish a report to be
circulated, I immediately impart the substance as a most profound
secret; and I find that by these means it obtains a much more extensive
circulation than if I sent it to the newspapers.
Ramsden was aware of Betsy's cackling propensities, and long before he
quitted Mrs Forster, it was generally believed throughout the good town
of Overton that Mr Spinney, although he had not been killed outright,
as reported in the first instance, had subsequently died of the injuries
received from this modern Xantippe.
Mrs Forster had half an hour to reflect upon her supposed awkward
situation; and to drive away thought, had sent for Nicholas, whom she
loaded with the bitterest invectives, when Miss Dragwell was announced.
"See, sir," continued Mrs Forster, "the condition to which you have
reduced a fond and faithful wife--one that has so studied your
interests; one--"
"Yes, indeed," added Miss Dragwell, who heard the attack as she ascended
the stairs, and took up the cause of Mrs Forster to obtain her
confidence--"yes, indeed, Mr Forster, see the consequences of your
folly, your smoking, and your drinking.--Pray leave the room, sir; I
wonder how Mrs Forster can bear the sight of you!"
Nicholas stared, and was about to throw in a detached word or two, by
way of vindication, when a furious "Begone!" from his wife occasioned a
precipitate retreat.
"We have all been consulting about this sad business, my dear Mrs
Forster," commenced Miss Dragwell; "and after much consideration have
hit upon the only plan by which you may escape the penalty of the law.
Yes, my dear ma'am," continued Miss Dragwell, in the most bland and
affectionate voice, "it is unwise to conceal the truth from you; the
depositions of my father and Mr Hilton, when they are called upon, will
be such that `Wilful Murder!' must be returned, and you--(the young lady
faltered, and put up her handkerchief)--you must inevitably be hanged!"
"Hanged!" screamed Mrs Forster.
"Yes, hanged--`hanged by the neck until you are dead! and the Lord have
mercy upon your soul!' that will be your sentence," replied the young
lady, sobbing;--"such an awful, such a disgraceful death for a woman
too!"
"O Lord, O Lord!" cried Mrs Forster, who was now really frightened.
"What will become of me?"
"You will go to another and a better world, as my papa says in his
sermons; I believe that the pain is not very great--but the disgrace--"
Mrs Forster burst into tears. "Save me! save me, Miss Dragwell!--Oh!
Oh! that stupid Nicholas, Oh! Oh!"
"My dear Mrs Forster, we have all agreed at the parsonage that there is
but one method."
"Name it, my dear Miss Dragwell, name it!" cried Mrs Forster,
imploringly.
"You must pretend to be mad, and then there will be a verdict of
insanity; but you must carry it through everything, or it will be
thought you are shamming. Mr Ramsden is acquainted with Dr B---, who
has charge of the asylum at D---. It is only nine miles off: he will
take you there, and when the coroner's inquest is over you can return.
It will be supposed then to have been only temporary derangement. Do
you like the proposal?"
"Why, I have been mad for a long time," replied Mrs Forster; "the
conduct of my husband and my son has been too much for my nerves; but I
don't like the idea of actually going to a madhouse.--Could not--"
"O dear, marm!" cried Betsy, running into the room, "there's a whole
posse of people about the house; they want to take you to the town jail,
for murdering Mr Spinney. What shall I say to them? I'm feared
they'll break in."
"Go and tell them that Mrs Forster is too ill to be taken out of bed,
and that she is out of her senses--d'ye hear, Betsy, tell them all she
is _stark staring mad_!"
"Yes, I will, marm," replied Betsy, wiping her eyes as she left the
room.
Miss Dragwell walked to the window. Although the report spread by Betsy
had collected a crowd opposite the house, still there was no attempt at
violence.
"I'm afraid that it's too late," said the young lady, turning from the
window. "What a crowd! and how angry they seem to be! you must be
hanged now!"
"O no! I'll be mad--I'll be anything, my dear Miss Dragwell."
"Well, then, we must be quick--don't put your gown on--petticoats are
better--I'll dress you up." Miss Dragwell rummaged the drawers, and
collecting a variety of feathers and coloured ribbons, pinned them over
the bandages which encircled Mrs Forster's head; then pulling out a
long-tailed black coat of her husband's, which had been condemned,
forced her arms through it, and buttoned it in front. "That will do for
the present," cried Miss Dragwell; "now here's the cat, take it in your
arms, go to the window and nurse it like a baby. I'll throw it open--
you come forward and make them a curtsy; that will spread the report
through the town that you are mad, and the rest will then be easy."
"Oh! I can't--I can't go to the window, I can't indeed."
"I'll open the window and speak to the people," said Miss Dragwell; and
she threw up the sash, informing the gaping multitude that Mrs Forster
was quite out of her senses, but perfectly harmless.
"Perfectly harmless, after killing a man!" observed one of the party
below.
"They won't believe me, Mrs Forster; come, you must, or you will
certainly be _hanged_."
Urged by her fears, Mrs Forster approached the window, and showed
herself to the astonished crowd. "Curtsy to them," said Miss Dragwell;
holding her handkerchief before her mouth.
Mrs Forster curtsied.
"Smile upon them," continued the malicious young lady.
Mrs Forster grinned horribly.
"Now dance your cat."
Mrs Forster obeyed the injunction.
"Now give a loud shriek, and toss the cat out of window."
Mrs Forster uttered a hideous yell, and threw the animal at the heads
of the spectators, who retreated with alarm in every direction.
"Now burst into a fit of laughter, curtsy to them, and wave your hand,
and that will be sufficient."
Mrs Forster obeyed the last order, and Miss Dragwell shut the window.
In a few minutes the report spread that Mrs Forster had gone out of her
senses; and the murder of Mr Spinney, a topic which was nearly
exhausted, was dismissed for the time to dwell and comment upon the
second catastrophe.