And when I had recovered, in a day or two, I came, so to say, to terms
with my loss and my condition: saying to myself: After all, my father
had to die, whether I came to him in time, or not: and I could not
have saved his life, by my coming, no matter when I came. And so, the
only thing I lost, by coming late, is my _ráj_. But what do I care for
any _ráj_, which, in comparison with Táráwalí, resembles a mere pinch
of dust, thrown into the other scale? Away with the miserable _ráj_!
as if another sunset with the Queen would not be cheaply purchased at
the price of all the kingdoms in the world! And I passed my days of
absence in doing absolutely nothing but thinking of Táráwalí, and
waiting, with a soul almost unable to endure, till the moment of
return. And I sent a secret messenger to Kamalapura, saying to him: Go
to the palace gate, and ask the _pratihárí_ for a _chetí_ called
Chaturiká. And when she comes, tell her by word of mouth, so that
nobody may hear thee but herself: Greetings to the Queen from
Shatrunjaya, who has lost his throne on her account, and does not
care. And when the obsequies are over, he will return to Kamalapura,
on the night before the moon is full.
And having sent him off, I waited, while the obsequies went slowly on,
with a soul that almost parted from its body with impatience for an
answer to my message that might help me to keep alive, saying to
myself: She cannot send Chaturiká, as she did before, since it is too
far off for anything but a letter or a message, which will have to do
instead. But neither a letter nor a message ever came: though in the
meanwhile, my messenger returned with empty hands. And I tortured him
with questions, but all he had to say was that Chaturiká had listened,
and bidden him to go away. And notwithstanding my bitter
disappointment, I racked my brain to find excuses for them both,
saying: I am a fool. How could I expect any reply, since after all I
never put a question, and silence was the only answer to be given: and
beyond all doubt, she is waiting till I come? And is it likely that
she would trust a message to a man she did not know? She is keeping
her answer to be sent in the form of a summons on the eve of the full
moon, which was the only answer I was asking for. And yet, in spite of
all that I could think of to cool the fever that burned in my heart, I
chafed and pined, sick with anxiety and disappointment, and longing in
vain for the thing that never came. And I said sadly to myself: Well,
only too well, she knew, that the very shadow of a sign of any kind,
from her, would have set my heart dancing like a peacock at the first
symptom of the coming of the rain. Or can it be, after all, that she
really did send an answer, which has somehow or other lost its way?
Aye! no doubt, it must be so, for she is kind, and could not bear to
think of the misery she knew I must be suffering every moment that I
am not by her side.
And so, perforce, I waited, gnawing at my own heart, until at last
the funeral ceremonies were over. And instantly, I took leave of my
mother, and turned my back on my relations, and set off at a gallop
for Kamalapura, with my heart singing for delight, like an arrow from
a bow.