XV

And then, once more, I stood still, listening in ecstasy to the door

as it shut behind me, and tasting, as it were, for an instant the

delicious promise that the dusky garden gave me, standing like a diver

on the edge of ocean, just before he plunges in, knowing well that it

holds a pearl. And I stretched my arms towards the trees, saying to

myself: This is not like the other times, but far, far better: for

to-night she will not ask me to give her a music lesson, but she said

herself, she would be my dream. And I wonder how she will do it, and

what she is going to do. And then I went on through the trees, looking

from side to side, with a soul as it were on tiptoe with curiosity and

anticipation. And far away through the trees I saw the red rim of the

full moon rising in a great hurry as if like myself he was dying with

impatience just to see her, and saying as it were: I am the only lamp

fit to light her, and I am just coming in another moment, like

herself. And I passed by her swing that hung drooping, as it were,

sadly from its tree, because she was not there. And little by little,

my heart began to crave for the sight of her, growing restless and

uneasy, and saying to itself with anxiety: What if something had

actually prevented her from coming, and the garden were really as

empty as it seems, and she were not here at all. And then at last I

reached the terrace by the pool, exactly where I saw her first, and

looked round with eager eyes, and she was not there. And then, just as

I was on the verge of sinking into the black abyss of disappointment,

all at once she came out of the shadow of a clump of great bamboos, in

which she had been hiding, as it seemed, just to tease me into the

belief she was not there, in order to intensify the unutterable

delight of her abrupt appearance. And she stood still, as if to let me

look at her, between two bamboo stems, just touching them with the

very tips of the fingers of each hand, and saying in her soft sweet

voice with a smile: Was I not right in choosing this as the only

proper place for thee to meet the lady of thy dream, where we met each

other first?

And I stood, confounded and as it were, dazed, by a vision so

marvellously lovely that it puzzled me, murmuring to myself: Can this

be Táráwalí after all, and what has she done to herself, for she has

changed, somehow or other, into the incarnation of some deity exactly

like her, and she looks like an image of the wife of Wishnu[28] that

has somehow or other come down from its pedestal on a temple wall? For

she was clothed in some strange colour that hovered between pallid

yellow and deep red, seeming to have been borrowed from the setting

sun and the rising moon. And it was all pulled forward, so that it

clung somehow or other tight to her rounded limbs, making her whole

outline from head to foot look like soft marble in the moonlit dusk,

and it was collected in front into one great heavy fold that hung

straight down like a red pillar from the very middle of her small

waist, ending just above her feet in great gold tassels, that nearly

touched the huge anklets of green jade with which her two little bare

feet were loaded, as if to help them to stand firm. And a soft broad

band of gold ran right round her just below her lovely breast, that

lay held in its gold cup like a great double billow made of the creamy

lather of the sea, prevented from escaping as it swelled up by the

delicious dam formed by the curve of her shoulders meeting the soft

bulge of the upper part of her rounded arms, which came out from each

side and seemed as it were to wave gently in the air like creeper

sprays, free and unconfined, and not like her feet, chained down, but

absolutely bare of any ornament at all. And on her hair was not a

star, but a great yellow moonstone, that shone with a dull glimmer

like a rival moon of her own, and over her left shoulder a long coil

of dark hair came out from behind her head and hung down like a

serpent, ending in a soft wisp like a yak's tail that was tied round

with yellow silk. And the only thing that she retained of what she was

before was the intoxicating charm of the upright poise of her whole

figure, which seemed to say to me as I saw it: I am the one thing

about her which she cannot possibly hide or alter, let her do what she

will.

And she stood quite still, as I gazed at her in ecstasy, lost in the

wonder of my own eyes, looking back at me with her head just a little

on one side, and her eyebrows just a very little raised, as if with

appeal, and great soft sweet caressing smiling eyes. And then, after a

while, she said, looking down: See, my feet are prisoners to-night, to

do thee honour, as their lord, and they cannot walk fast or far, but

it does not matter, as they will not be wanted, for I have a surprise

coming for thee, by and by. But as to my arms, I thought it better to

leave them without the encumbrance of any ornament at all. And she

waved them gently in the air, and a little smile stole over her lips,

and she said: It would only have been in the way, if the fancy should

come upon thee to say good-bye in thy own fashion. And now, it was

very difficult for me to know exactly what to do, so as to place the

lady of thy dream before thee, since thou hast never told me what she

looked like in the dream. And so thou must forgive me, if I have come

in anything short of thy expectation, for I have done what I could.

Art thou satisfied with her, as she stands? For if not, I must call my

soul to the assistance of its body.

And I stood, unable to speak or move, gazing at her almost in a swoon

by reason of the excess of my intoxication; and after a while, I drew

a very deep sigh. And she came towards me, very slowly, as I stood

rooted to the ground; and she put up her arms, and laid one hand on

each shoulder, with a touch like the fall of a flake of snow. And she

said: I know what is the matter: thou art spellbound by a return of

thy original delusion. But it will leave thee, and thy senses will

return to thee, once thou hast said good-bye. And then, seized with

frenzy, I caught her in my arms, and suddenly she prevented me from

kissing her by putting her hand over my mouth. And she said with a

smile: Wait! Am I equal to Chaturiká, for as it seems, thou hast been

playing me false? And for all answer, I took her hand, and kissed it,

and put it round my neck, and then fell to kissing her in madness,

continuing for I know not how long, bereft of my senses by the perfume

of her hair and the touch of her arms. And then at last, I took her

face in my hands. And I said: Away with Chaturiká! Thou knowest all,

and art only jesting: and my soul quivers in my body at the sound of

thy name. And she laughed, as I kissed her very gently on her two

eyes, and she said: Perhaps I know: and yet, I will not forgive thee

for Chaturiká, but on one condition. And I said: Ask anything thou

wilt: it matters not. Then she said: Look at me very carefully, and

think ere thou speakest: and tell me, exactly what it is, in me, that

chains thee so to me, which Chaturiká and others are without.

And I said: Stand still, and let me look at thee, and think. And I put

her away, and stood back, examining her very carefully just as she had

wished, walking round and round her, and saying to myself: It is

absolutely useless, for I know what to say without any need of

looking, and yet I do not know if I can ever bring myself to stop,

since she has given me, as if on purpose to delight me, a task more

delicious than I ever had to do before. And all the time she stood

absolutely still, patiently waiting till I ended, and looking at me

every time I came round, with raised eyebrows and a smile. And at

last, I could not endure it any longer, and I said: Ah! come back into

my arms, which hunger for thee, and I will answer. And instantly, she

came and stood, listening attentively, and caressing my ear unawares,

as she listened, with her hand. And I said: Thy question is

unanswerable, and my examination nothing to the purpose: since where

was the use of looking at thy lovely body to find what is only to be

found in thy soul, to which thy body owes the essence of even its own

intoxication? For thy soul peeps out, from behind it, in the poise of

thy head, and the straight erectness of its carriage, and the aroma of

the royalty of sex that oozes, as it were, from its every gesture,

mixed, in some unintelligible way, with a soft grace that seems to be

all its own. But the spell thou art asking me to catch for thee looks

from thy eyes, and lurks in thy lips, and murmurs in thy marvellous

voice, which was silent all the while I was considering: and it is,

some naive and submissive gentleness in the quality of thy soul, which

turns all thy other perfections into instruments of delirium, and yet

notwithstanding contradicts them all. For any other woman but thyself

possessing even one of them would be proud, whereas thou dost not even

seem to be aware that there is anything about thee other than the

common. And as it seems to me, it is this, which is the core of thy

irresistible fascination, giving to all thy particular elements of

loveliness a kind of salt, that mixes with their sweetness to drive me

mad.

And she looked at me silently with meditative eyes; and after a while

she said slowly: I wish I were a man, only for a moment, to judge of

myself and thy answer: for in one way thou art right, since I cannot

understand why all men seem to lose their reason, as soon as they see

me. And I said: There it is again, the very thing I spoke of, in thy

words: and it is so simple, and yet so indescribably delicious, that

very glad indeed I am that thou art not a man, but a woman, and that

it is I that am the man. And it would be a crime in the Creator to

gratify thy wish by making thee a man, who art the very essence of all

womanly perfection and attraction. And for satisfaction of thy wish,

look at thyself through my eyes, and thy wish is attained, since I am

myself the very mirror provided thee by the Creator for that very

purpose. And so learn, by my mouth, that thy spell is something in

thee that resembles the peace of a forest pool. And even to-night, all

the while we have been together, thou hast been, and art, so curiously

quiet, like the breast of a swan, bathing in the water of passion and

emotion without even getting wet, and like the snow of Kailàs, never

melting even in the sun of noon.

And again she looked at me with curiosity: and she sighed, as if to

dismiss what she could not comprehend. And she said: See! the moon has

climbed high, and is gazing on the lotuses, and I am tired of

standing, and the time has come to give thee thy surprise. And she

drew me away by the hand along the terrace, and down its marble steps,

till we came to a great tree that hung down over the water like an

umbrella, leaning from the bank of the pool, so that nothing could be

seen through its wall. And she took me and turned me with my face to

the water, and she said: Stand here absolutely still, and do not look

round, and I will bring thee thy surprise. And then she went quickly

into the trees.

And I stood waiting, exactly as I was told, listening to her steps as

she went away, and wondering where she was going, and what she was

meditating, and what the surprise was, when it came. And so as I

stood, I said to myself: Can I really be awake, or is it all only a

long dream? For I seem to have been dreaming ever since I saw her

first. And time slipped away, and still I stood, straining my ears for

the sound of her steps returning, and dying to look round, but never

looking, and haunted by a feeling that was almost terror, saying to

myself: Why is she away so long, and what if she never returns at all?

And so as I stood, with my soul in my ears, turned as it were behind

me, suddenly there came round the tree upon the water a great boat of

the colour of a lotus leaf, turned up at each end like the neck of a

swan. And it came straight towards me, and as it reached me, its

boatman stood up, looking at me with a smile.

And I started, and all at once I laughed aloud, for amazement and

delight: and even so, I hardly knew her to be herself. For she had

cast away all her deity, and turned herself into a _chetí_, resembling

a fragrant essence of midnight without a moon, clothed with absolute

simplicity in soft dead black, with her own dark hair for her only

decoration, tied in a knot around her head like a cloud of misty

intoxication, and floating about her shoulders in confusion. And she

looked at me with questioning eyes that shone bright in the moon's

rays, and said naively, with a smile that almost broke my heart in

two: Now I am within a little of being equal to Chaturiká? Is the maid

a substitute for the queen that has disappeared?

And as I gazed at her in rapture without giving any answer, she said

again: See! now we will float for a little while among the

moon-lotuses, before we say good-bye. And this is thy surprise. And it

is a delight that I keep for myself alone, and very few indeed are

privileged to share it: but to-night, I am the lady of thy dream, and

I will not do my favours by halves: and so thou shalt be my partner.

And this is my swan's nest, and my floating cradle, in which I do my

dreaming: for I can dream dreams as well as thou. And now I am going

to dream a little, and we will dream together. And come, for the

lotuses are waiting for us.

And I got into the boat, and pushed it out upon the water, and she

came to me of her own accord, and locked her arms around my neck. And

we drifted to and fro, exactly as the boat chose, on the silent black

mirror of the pool, never saying a single word, but kissing each other

insatiably with lips that were never tired, lost in the bottomless

abyss of the ecstasy of mutual union. And all the time she bathed me

with the beauty of her eyes, that like the pool, drew the moonlight

down into their dark depths, caressing me with soft hands that touched

me like the fall of a leaf, and lips that smiled and trembled like the

shadows of the lotuses in the still water's swirl. And the moon rose

higher and higher, and the night crept unobserved away, for I was

utterly unconscious of the passage of any time. And then at last as I

lay, worn out and overcome by the excess of my own emotion, and

lulled by the gentle drifting of the boat, and wrapt in the delirium

of oblivion arising from the unimaginable reality of the lady of my

dream, unawares I fell asleep.