(_A Story in Scenes._)
SCENE IX.--CHARLES COLLIMORE'S _Sitting-room at Keppel Street,
Bloomsbury_. TIME--_Saturday afternoon_.
_Mrs. Cagney_ (_the landlady, showing_ Mr. TOOVEY _in_). Oh, I thought
Mr. COLLIMORE had come in, Sir, but I expect him in every minute. Will
you take a seat?
_Mr. Toovey_ (_sitting down_). Thank you, I'm in no hurry--no hurry at
all. (_To himself._) CORNELIA wished me to put a few questions quietly
to the landlady. I suppose I'd better do it while----(_Aloud._) Hem,
I hope, Ma'am, that you find Mr. COLLIMORE a--an unexceptionable
lodger--in all respects?
_Mrs. Cagn._ (_crossing her hands stiffly in front of her_). Mr.
COLLIMORE conducks hisself as a gentleman, and treats me as a lady,
which is all _my_ requirements.
_Mr. Toov._ Quite so--very satisfactory, I'm sure, but--does he keep
fairly regular hours? Or is he at all inclined to be--er--fast?
_Mrs. Cagn._ (_on her guard_). I can't answer for the time his watch
keeps, myself. I dessay it goes as reg'lar as what most do.
_Mr. Toov._ No, no; I was referring to his habits. I mean--does he
usually spend his evenings quietly at home?
_Mrs. Cagn._ You'll excuse _me_, but if you're arsking me all these
questions out of mere himpertinent curiosity----
_Mr. Toov._ I--I trust I have a higher motive, Ma'am. In fact, I may
as well tell you I am Mr. COLLIMORE'S uncle.
_Mrs. Cagn._ (_to herself_). The old fox! So he's trying to ferret out
something against him, is he? Well, he _won't_--that's all. (_Aloud._)
If you _are_ his huncle, Sir, all I can say is, you've got a nephew to
be proud on. I wouldn't wish to let my first floor to a steadier or
a more industrious young gentleman; comes in punctual to a tick every
night of his life and 'as his dinner, and sets studyin' his book till
'alf-past ten, which is his bed-time. I don't know what more you want.
_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). This is really very satisfactory--if I
could only believe it. (_Aloud._) But do I understand you to say that
that is his invariable practice? Occasionally, I suppose, he goes out
to a place of amusement--such as a music-hall, now?
_Mrs. Cagn._ (_to herself_). Well, he may; and why not? He don't get
into no mischief, though light-'earted. _I_ ain't going to give him
a bad name. (_Aloud._) Lor, Sir, don't you go and put such ideas into
his 'ed. Bless your 'art alive, if he knows there _are_ such places,
it's as much as he does know!
_Mr. Toov._ (_testily_). Now, now, my good woman, I'm afraid you're
trying to deceive me. I happen to know more about my nephew's tastes
and pursuits than you imagine.
_Mrs. Cagn._ (_roused_). Then, if you know so much, whatever do you
come 'ere and ask _me_ for? It's my belief you ain't up to no good,
for all you look so respectable, comin' into my 'ouse a-pokin'
your nose into what don't concern you, for all the world like a
poll-pryin', sneakin' Russian spy!
_Charles_ (_entering behind her_). Hallo, Mrs. CAGNEY, what's
all this--who's a Russian spy, eh? (_Recognising_ MR. TOOVEY.)
What--Uncle! you don't mean to say it's _you_?
[Mr. TOOVEY _stands stricken with confusion_.
_Mrs. Cagn._ I may have spoke too free, Mr. COLLIMORE, Sir, but when
a party, as is elderly enough to know better, tries to put under'and
questions to me about where and 'ow any o' my gentlemen pass their
hevenins, and if they go to the music-'all and what not--why, I put it
to you----
_Charles._ All right, Mrs. CAGNEY, put it to me some other time; you
didn't understand my uncle, that's all--you needn't stay. Oh, by
the way, I'm dining out again this evening. Tell CAGNEY to leave the
chain, as I may be late. (_After_ Mrs. C. _has retired_.) Well, Uncle,
I'm afraid your diplomacy hasn't had quite the success it deserved.
[Illustration: "Mr. Collimore conducks hisself as a gentleman, and
treats me as a lady."]
_Mr. Toov._ (_sheepishly_). I assure you, my boy, that I--I was not
inquiring for my own satisfaction. Your Aunt is naturally anxious to
know how you---- But your landlady gave you an excellent character.
_Charles._ She didn't seem to be equally complimentary to _you_,
Uncle. "A Russian spy," wasn't it? But really, you know, you might
have come to me for any information you require. _I_ don't mind
telling you all there is to tell. And surely Aunt knows I've been to a
music-hall; why, she pitched into me about it enough last Sunday!
_Mr. Toov._ I--I think she wanted to know whether you went frequently,
CHARLES, or only that once.
_Charles._ Oh, and so she sent you up to pump my landlady? Well, I'll
tell you exactly how it is. I don't set up to be a model young man
like your friend CURPHEW. I don't spend all my evenings in this
cheerful and luxurious apartment. Now and then I find the splendour of
the surroundings rather too much for me, and I'm ready to go anywhere,
even to a music-hall, for a change. There, I blush to say, I spend an
hour or two, smoking cigars, and even drinking a whisky and soda, or
a lemon squash, listening to middle-aged ladies in sun-bonnets and
accordion skirts singing out of tune. I don't know that they amuse
me much, but, at all events, they're livelier than Mrs. CAGNEY. I'm
dining out to-night, at the Criterion, with a man at the office, and
it's as likely as not we shall go in to the Valhalla or the Eldorado
afterwards. There, you can't say I'm concealing anything from you. And
I don't see why you should groan like that, Uncle.
_Mr. Toov._ (_feebly_). I--I'd rather you didn't go to the--the
Eldorado, CHARLES.
_Charles._ There's ingratitude! I thought you'd be touched by my
devotion.
_Mr. Toov._ (_to himself_). I _can't_ tell him I was thinking of going
there myself! (_Aloud._) You will show your devotion best by keeping
away. The less young men go to such places, my boy, the better!
_Charles._ Not for _you_, Uncle. You forget that it's the humble five
bob of fellows like me that help to provide your next dividend.
_Mr. Toov._ (_wincing_). Don't, CHARLES, it--it's ungenerous and
undutiful to reproach me with being a shareholder when you know how
innocently I became one!
_Charles._ But I _wasn't_ reproaching you, Uncle, it was rather
the other way round, wasn't it? And really, considering you _are_ a
shareholder in the Eldorado, it's a little too strong to condemn me
for merely going there.
_Mr. Toov._ I--I may not be a shareholder long, CHARLES. Unless I can
conscientiously feel able to retain my shares I shall take the first
opportunity of selling them.
_Charles._ But why, Uncle? Better stick to them now you have got them!
_Mr. Toov._ What? with the knowledge that I was profiting by practices
I disapproved of? Never, CHARLES!
_Charles._ But you can't _sell_ without making a profit, you know;
they've gone up tremendously.
_Mr. Toov._ Oh, dear me! Then, do you mean that I shouldn't even
be morally justified in selling them? Oh, you don't think _that_,
CHARLES?
_Charles._ That's a point you must settle for yourself, Uncle, it's
beyond me. But, as a dutiful nephew, don't you see, I'm bound to do
all I can in the meantime to keep up the receipts for you, if I have
to go to the Eldorado every evening and get all the fellows I know to
go too. Mustn't let those shares go down, whether you hold on or sell,
eh?
_Mr. Toov._ (_horrified_). Don't make me an excuse for encouraging
young men to waste precious time in idleness and folly. I won't allow
it--it's abominable, Sir! You've put me in such a state of perplexity
by all this, CHARLES, I--I hardly know where I am! Tell me, are you
really going to the Eldorado this evening?
_Charles._ I can't say; it depends on the other fellow. But I will if
I can get him to go, for your sake. And I'm afraid I ought to go and
change, Uncle, if you'll excuse me. Make yourself as comfortable as
you can. Here's to-day's _Pink 'Un_, if you haven't seen it.
_Mr. Toov._ I'm not in the habit of seeing such periodicals, Sir. And
I must be going. Oh, by the bye, your Aunt wished me to ask you to
come down and dine and sleep on Monday next. THEA will be back, and I
believe Mr. CURPHEW has got a free evening for once. Shall I tell her
you will come, CHARLES?
_Charles._ Thanks; I'll come with pleasure. But, I say, Aunt doesn't
want to give me another lecture, I hope? After all, she can't say much
if you've told her about those shares, as I suppose you have.
_Mr. Toov._ N--not yet, CHARLES. I have not found a convenient
opportunity. There, I can't stay--good-bye, my boy.
[_He takes his leave._