I am profoundly happy to inform my dear reader that I have completely
recovered my physical as well as my spiritual powers. A long rest out
in the country, amid nature’s soothing beauties; the contemplation of
village life, which is so simple and bright; the absence of the noise of
the city, where hundreds of wind-mills are stupidly flapping their
long arms before your very nose, and finally the complete solitude,
undisturbed by anything--all these have restored to my unbalanced
view of the world all its former steadiness and its iron, irresistible
firmness. I look upon my future calmly and confidently, and although
it promises me nothing but a lonely grave and the last journey to an
unknown distance, I am ready to meet death just as courageously as I
lived my life, drawing strength from my solitude, from the consciousness
of my innocence and my uprightness.
After long hesitations, which are not quite intelligible to me now, I
finally resolved to establish for myself the system of our prison in all
its rigidness. For that purpose, finding a small house in the outskirts
of the city, which was to be leased for a long term of years, I hired
it. Then with the kind assistance of the Warden of our prison, (I cannot
express my gratitude to him adequately enough in words,) I invited to
the new place one of the most experienced jailers, who is still a
young man, but already hardened in the strict principles of our prison.
Availing myself of his instruction, and also of the suggestions of the
obliging Warden, I have engaged workmen who transformed one of the rooms
into a cell. The measurements as well as the form and all the details of
my new, and, I hope, my last dwelling are strictly in accordance with my
plan. My cell is 8 by 4 yards, 4 yards high, the walls are painted grey
at the bottom, the upper part of the walls and the ceiling are white,
and near the ceiling there is a square window 1 1/2 by 1 1/2 yards, with
a massive iron grate, which has already become rusty with age. In the
door, locked with a heavy and strong lock, which issues a loud creak at
each turn of the key, there is a small hole for observation, and below
it a little window, through which the food is brought and received.
The furnishing of the cell: a table, a chair, and a cot fastened to the
wall; on the wall a crucifix, my portrait, and the rules concerning the
conduct of the prisoners, in a black frame; and in the corner a closet
filled with books. This last, being a violation of the strict harmony
of my dwelling, I was compelled to do by extreme and sad necessity;
the jailer positively refused to be my librarian and to bring the books
according to my order, and to engage a special librarian seemed to me to
be an act of unnecessary eccentricity. Aside from this, in elaborating
my plans, I met with strong opposition not only from the local
population, which simply declared me to be insane, but even from
the enlightened people. Even the Warden endeavoured for some time to
dissuade me, but finally he clasped my hand warmly, with an expression
of sincere regret at not being in a position to offer me a place in our
prison.
I cannot recall the first day of my confinement without a bitter smile.
A mob of impertinent and ignorant idlers yelled from morning till night
at my window, with their heads lifted high (my cell is situated in the
second story), and they heaped upon me senseless abuse; there were even
efforts--to the disgrace of my townspeople--to storm my dwelling, and
one heavy stone almost crushed my head. Only the police, which arrived
in time, succeeded in averting the catastrophe. When, in the evening,
I went out for a walk, hundreds of fools, adults and children, followed
me, shouting and whistling, heaping abuse upon me, and even hurling mud
at me. Thus, like a persecuted prophet, I wended my way without fear
amidst the maddened crowd, answering their blows and curses with proud
silence.
What has stirred these fools? In what way have I offended their empty
heads? When I lied to them, they kissed my hands; now, when I have
re-established the sacred truth of my life in all its strictness and
purity, they burst into curses, they branded me with contempt, they
hurled mud at me. They were disturbed because I dared to live alone, and
because I did not ask them for a place in the “common cell for rogues.”
How difficult it is to be truthful in this world!
True, my perseverance and firmness finally defeated them. With the
naivete of savages, who honour all they do not understand, they
commenced, in the second year, to bow to me, and they are making ever
lower bows to me, because their amazement is growing ever greater, their
fear of the inexplicable is growing ever deeper. And the fact that I
never respond to their greetings fills them with delight, and the fact
that I never smile in response to their flattering smiles, fills them
with a firm assurance that they are guilty before me for some grave
wrong, and that I know their guilt. Having lost confidence in their own
and other people’s words, they revere my silence, even as people revere
every silence and every mystery. If I were to start to speak suddenly, I
would again become human to them and would disillusion them bitterly, no
matter what I would say; in my silence I am to them like their eternally
silent God. For these strange people would cease believing their God
as soon as their God would commence to speak. Their women are already
regarding me as a saint. And the kneeling women and sick children that
I often find at the threshold of my dwelling undoubtedly expect of me
a trifle--to heal them, to perform a miracle. Well, another year or two
will pass, and I shall commence to perform miracles as well as those of
whom they speak with such enthusiasm. Strange people, at times I feel
sorry for them, and I begin to feel really angry at the devil who so
skilfully mixed the cards in their game that only the cheat knows the
truth, his little cheating truth about the marked queens and the marked
kings. They bow too low, however, and this hinders me from developing a
sense of mercy, otherwise--smile at my jest, indulgent reader--I would
not restrain myself from the temptation of performing two or three
small, but effective miracles.
I must go back to the description of my prison.
Having constructed my cell completely, I offered my jailer the following
alternative: He must observe with regard to me the rules of the prison
regime in all its rigidness, and in that case he would inherit all my
fortune according to my will, or he would receive nothing if he failed
to do his duty. It seemed that in putting the matter before him so
clearly I would meet with no difficulties. Yet at the very first
instance, when I should have been incarcerated for violating some prison
regulation, this naive and timid man absolutely refused to do it;
and only when I threatened to get another man immediately, a more
conscientious jailer, was he compelled to perform his duty. Though he
always locked the door punctually, he at first neglected his duty of
watching me through the peephole; and when I tried to test his firmness
by suggesting a change in some rule or other to the detriment of common
sense he yielded willingly and quickly. One day, on trapping him in this
way, I said to him:
“My friend, you are simply foolish. If you will not watch me and guard
me properly I shall run away to another prison, taking my legacy along
with me. What will you do then?”
I am happy to inform you that at the present time all these
misunderstandings have been removed, and if there is anything I can
complain of it is rather excessive strictness than mildness. Now that
my jailer has entered into the spirit of his position this honest man
treats me with extreme sternness, not for the sake of the profit but
for the sake of the principle. Thus, in the beginning of this week he
incarcerated me for twenty-four hours for violating some rule, of which,
it seemed to me, I was not guilty; and protesting against this seeming
injustice I had the unpardonable weakness to say to him:
“In the end I will drive you away from here. You must not forget that
you are my servant.”
“Before you drive me away I will incarcerate you,” replied this worthy
man.
“But how about the money?” I asked with astonishment. “Don’t you know
that you will be deprived of it?”
“Do I need your money? I would give up all my own money if I could stop
being what I am. But what can I do if you violate the rule and I must
punish you by incarcerating you?”
I am powerless to describe the joyous emotion which came over me at
the thought that the consciousness of duty had at last entered his dark
mind, and that now, even if in a moment of weakness I wanted to leave my
prison, my conscientious jailer would not permit me to do it. The spark
of firmness which glittered in his round eyes showed me clearly that no
matter where I might run away he would find me and bring me back; and
that the revolver which he often forgot to take before, and which he now
cleans every day, would do its work in the event I decided to run away.
And for the first time in all these years I fell asleep on the stone
floor of my dark cell with a happy smile, realising that my plan was
crowned with complete success, passing from the realm of eccentricity to
the domain of stern and austere reality. And the fear which I felt while
falling asleep in the presence of my jailer, my fear of his resolute
look, of his revolver; my timid desire to hear a word of praise from
him, or to call forth perhaps a smile on his lips, re-echoed in my soul
as the harmonious clanking of my eternal and last chains.
Thus I pass my last years. As before, my health is sound and my free
spirit is clear. Let some call me a fool and laugh at me; in their
pitiful blindness let others regard me as a saint and expect me to
perform miracles; an upright man to some people, to others--a liar and
a deceiver--I myself know who I am, and I do not ask them to understand
me. And if there are people who will accuse me of deception, of
baseness, even of the lack of simple honour--for there are scoundrels
who are convinced to this day that I committed murder--no one will dare
accuse me of cowardice, no one will dare say that I could not perform my
painful duty to the end. From the beginning till the end I remained firm
and unbribable; and though a bugbear, a fanatic, a dark horror to some
people, I may awaken in others a heroic dream of the infinite power of
man.
I have long discontinued to receive visitors, and with the death of the
Warden of our prison, my only true friend, whom I visited occasionally,
my last tie with this world was broken. Only I and my ferocious jailer,
who watches every movement of mine with mad suspicion, and the
black grate which has caught in its iron embrace and muzzled the
infinite--this is my life. Silently accepting the low bows, in my cold
estrangement from the people I am passing my last road.
I am thinking of death ever more frequently, but even before death I do
not bend my fearless look. Whether it brings me eternal rest or a new
unknown and terrible struggle, I am humbly prepared to accept it.
Farewell, my dear reader! Like a vague phantom you appeared before my
eyes and passed, leaving me alone before the face of life and death. Do
not be angry because at times I deceived you and lied--you, too, would
have lied perhaps in my place. Nevertheless I loved you sincerely, and
sincerely longed for your love; and the thought of your sympathy for
me was quite a support to me in my moments and days of hardship. I am
sending you my last farewell and my sincere advice. Forget about my
existence, even as I shall henceforth forget about yours forever.
*****
A deserted field, overgrown with high grass, devoid of an echo, extends
like a deep carpet to the very fence of our prison, whose majestic
outlines subdue my imagination and my mind. When the dying sun illumines
it with its last rays, and our prison, all in red, stands like a queen,
like a martyr, with the dark wounds of its grated windows, and the sun
rises silently and proudly over the plain--with sorrow, like a lover, I
send my complaints and my sighs and my tender reproach and vows to her,
to my love, to my dream, to my bitter and last sorrow. I wish I could
forever remain near her, but here I look back--and black against the
fiery frame of the sunset stands my jailer, stands and waits.
With a sigh I go back in silence, and he moves behind me noiselessly,
about two steps away, watching every move of mine.
Our prison is beautiful at sunset.