Cadwallader acts the part of a Comforter to his Friend; and in his turn
is consoled by Peregrine, who begins to find himself a most egregious
Dupe.
This new misfortune, which he justly charged to the account of his own
folly, recalled his chagrin; and though he endeavoured with all his
might to conceal the affair from the knowledge of Cadwallader, that
prying observer perceived his countenance overcast. The projector's
sudden disappearance alarming his suspicion, he managed his inquiries
with so much art, that in a few days he made himself acquainted with
every particular of the transaction, and resolved to gratify his
spleen at the expense of the impatient dupe. With this view, he took an
opportunity to accost him with a very serious air, saying a friend of
his had immediate occasion for a thousand pounds, and as Peregrine had
the exact sum lying by him, he would take it as a great favour if he
would part with it for a few months on undoubted security. Had Pickle
known the true motive of this demand, he would in all likelihood have
made a very disagreeable answer; but Crabtree had wrappped himself up so
securely in the dissimulation of his features, that the youth could not
possibly penetrate into his intention; and in the most galling suspense
replied, that the money was otherwise engaged. The misanthrope, not
contented with this irritation, assumed the prerogative of a friend, and
questioned him so minutely about the disposal of the cash, that, after
numberless evasions, which cost him a world of torture to invent, he
could contain his vexation no longer, but exclaimed in a rage, “D-- your
impertinence! 'tis gone to the devil, and that's enough!”--“Thereafter,
as it may be,” said this tormentor, with a most provoking indifference
of aspect, “I should be glad to know upon what footing; for I suppose
you have some expectation of advantage from that quarter.”--“'Sdeath!
sir,” cried the impatient youth, “if I had any expectation from hell, I
would make interest with you; for I believe, from my soul, you are one
of its most favoured ministers upon earth.” With these words, he flung
out of the room, leaving Cadwallader very well satisfied with the
chastisement he had bestowed.
Peregrine having cooled himself with a solitary walk in the park,
during which the violence of his choler gradually evaporated, and his
reflection was called to a serious deliberation upon the posture of his
affairs, he resolved to redouble his diligence and importunity with his
patron and the minister, in order to obtain some sinecure, which would
indemnify him for the damage he had sustained on their account. He
accordingly went to his lordship and signified his demand, after having
told him, that he had suffered several fresh losses, which rendered
an immediate provision of that sort necessary to his credit and
subsistence. His noble friend commended him for the regard he manifested
for his own interest, which he considered as a proof of his being at
last detached from the careless inadvertency of youth; he approved of
his demand, which he assured him should be faithfully transmitted to the
minister, and backed with all his influence; and encouraged his hope, by
observing, that some profitable places were at that time vacant, and, so
far as he knew, unengaged.
This conversation helped to restore the tranquility of Pickle's breast,
though he still harboured resentment against Cadwallader, on account of
the last insult; and on the instant he formed a plan of revenge. He knew
the misanthrope's remittances from his estate in the country had been of
late very scanty, in consequence of repairs and bankruptcies among his
tenants; so that, in spite of all his frugality, he had been but barely
able to maintain his credit, and even that was engaged on the strength
of his running rent. Being therefore intimately acquainted with the
particulars of his fortune, he wrote a letter to Crabtree, subscribed
with the name of his principal farmer's wife, importing that her husband
being lately dead, and the greatest part of her cattle destroyed by the
infectious distemper, she found herself utterly incapable of paying the
rent which was due, or even of keeping the farm, unless he would, out
of his great goodness, be pleased to give her some assistance, and allow
her to sit free for a twelvemonth to come. This intimation he found
means to convey by post from a market town adjoining to the farm,
directed in the usual style to the cynic, who, seeing it stamped with
the known marks, could not possibly suspect any imposition.
Hackneyed as he was in the ways of life, and steeled with his boasted
stoicism, this epistle threw him into such an agony of vexation, that
a double proportion of souring was visible in his aspect, when he was
visited by the author, who, having observed and followed the postman
at a proper distance, introduced a conversation upon his own
disappointments, in which, among other circumstances of his own
ill-luck, he told him, that his patron's steward had desired to be
excused from paying the last quarter of his interest precisely at the
appointed term, for which reason he should be utterly void of cash, and
therefore requested that Crabtree would accommodate him with an hundred
pieces of his next remittance from the country.
This demand galled and perplexed the old man to such a degree, that
the muscles of his face assumed a contraction peculiarly virulent, and
exhibited the character of Diogenes with a most lively expression; he
knew that a confession of his true situation would furnish Pickle with
an opportunity to make reprisals upon him, with intolerable triumph;
and that, by a downright refusal to supply his wants, he would for ever
forfeit his friendship and esteem, and might provoke him to take ample
vengeance for his sordid behaviour, by exposing him, in his native
colours, to the resentment of those whom he had so long deceived. These
considerations kept him some time in a most rancorous state of suspense,
which Peregrine affected to misinterpret, by bidding him freely declare
his suspicion, if he did not think it safe to comply with his request,
and he would make shift elsewhere.
This seeming misconstruction increased the torture of the misanthrope,
who, with the utmost irritation of feature, “Oons!” cried he, “what
villainy have you noted in my conduct, that you treat me like a rascally
usurer?” Peregrine very gravely replied, that the question needed no
answer; “for,” said he, “had I considered you as a usurer, I would have
come with a security under my arm; but, all evasion apart, will you
stead me? will you pleasure me? shall I have the money?”--“Would it were
in your belly, with a barrel of gunpowder!” exclaimed the enraged cynic;
“since I must be excruciated, read that plaguy paper! 'Sblood! why
didn't nature clap a pair of long ears and a tail upon me, that I might
be a real ass, and champ thistles on some common, independent of my
fellow-creatures? Would I were a worm, that I might creep into the
earth, and thatch my habitation with a single straw; or rather a wasp
or a viper, that I might make the rascally world feel my resentment. But
why do I talk of rascality? folly, folly, is the scourge of life! Give
me a scoundrel, so he be a sensible one, and I will put him in my heart
of hearts! but a fool is more mischievous than famine, pestilence, and
war. The idiotical hag that writes, or causes to be writ, this same
letter, has ruined her family, and broke her husband's heart, by
ignorance and mismanagement; and she imputes her calamity to Providence
with a vengeance; and so I am defrauded of three hundred pounds, the
greatest part of which I owe to tradesmen, whom I have promised to pay
this very quarter. Pox upon her! I would she were a horned beast, that
the distemper might lay hold on her. The beldame has the impudence too,
after she has brought me into this dilemma, to solicit my assistance
to stock the farm anew! Before God, I have a good mind to send her a
halter, and perhaps I might purchase another for myself, but that I
would not furnish food for laughter to knaves and coxcombs.”
Peregrine having perused the billet, and listened to this ejaculation,
replied with great composure, that he was ashamed to see a man of
his years and pretensions to philosophy so ruffled by a trifle. “What
signify all the boasted hardships you have overcome,” said he, “and the
shrewd observations you pretend to have made on human nature? Where is
that stoical indifference you affirm you have attained, if such a paltry
disappointment can disturb you in this manner? What is the loss of
three hundred pounds, compared with the misfortunes which I myself have
undergone within these two years? Yet you will take upon you to act the
censor, and inveigh against the impatience and impetuosity of youth, as
if you yourself had gained an absolute conquest over all the passions
of the heart. You were so kind as to insult me another day in my
affliction, by reproaching me with indiscretion and misconduct: suppose
I were now to retort the imputation, and ask how a man of your profound
sagacity could leave your fortune at the discretion of ignorant
peasants? How could you be so blind as not to foresee the necessity of
repairs, together with the danger of bankruptcy, murrain, or thin crop?
Why did you not convert your land into ready money, and, as you have no
connections in life, purchase an annuity, on which you might have lived
at your ease, without any fear of the consequence? Can't you, from the
whole budget of your philosophy, cull one apophthegm to console you for
this trivial mischance?”
“Rot your rapidity!” said the cynic, half-choked with gall; “if the
cancer or the pox were in your throat, I should not be thus tormented
with your tongue; and yet a magpie shall speak infinitely more to the
purpose. Don't you know, Mr. Wiseacre, that my case does not fall within
the province of philosophy? Had I been curtailed of all my members,
racked by the gout and gravel, deprived of liberty, robbed of an only
child, or visited with the death of a dear friend like you, philosophy
might have contributed to my consolation; but will philosophy pay my
debts, or free me from the burden of obligation to a set of fellows whom
I despise?--speak-pronounce-demonstrate, or may Heaven close your mouth
for ever!”
“These are the comfortable fruits of your misanthropy,” answered the
youth; “your laudable scheme of detaching yourself from the bonds of
society, and of moving in a superior sphere of your own. Had you not
been so peculiarly sage, and intent upon laughing at mankind, you could
never have been disconcerted by such a pitiful inconvenience; any friend
would have accommodated you with the sum in question. But now the world
may retort the laugh; for you stand upon such an agreeable footing with
your acquaintance, that nothing could please them better than an account
of your having given disappointment the slip, by the help of a noose
properly applied. This I mention by way of hint, upon which I would have
you chew the cud of reflection; and, should it come to that issue, I
will use my whole interest with the coroner to bring in his verdict
lunacy, that your carcase may have Christian burial.”
So saying, he withdrew, very well satisfied with the revenge he had
taken, which operated so violently upon Crabtree, that, if it had
not been for the sole consideration mentioned above, he would, in
all probability, have had recourse to the remedy proposed. But his
unwillingness to oblige and entertain his fellow-creatures hindered him
from practising that expedient, till, by course of post, he was happily
undeceived with regard to the situation of his affairs; and that
information had such an effect upon him, that he not only forgave our
hero for the stratagem, which he immediately ascribed to the right
author, but also made him a tender of his purse; so that matters for the
present were brought to an amicable accommodation.
Meanwhile Peregrine never slacked in his attendance upon the great; he
never omitted to appear upon every levee day, employed his industry and
penetration in getting intelligence of posts that were unfilled, and
every day recommended himself to the good offices of his patron, who
seemed to espouse his interest with great cordiality; nevertheless, he
was always too late in his application, or the place he demanded chanced
to be out of the minister's gift. These intimations, though communicated
in the most warm professions of friendship and regard, gave great
umbrage to the young gentleman, who considered them as the evasions
of an insincere courtier, and loudly complained of them as such to
his lordship, signifying, at the same time, an intention to sell his
mortgage for ready money, which he would expend to the last farthing in
thwarting his honour, in the very first election he should patronize.
His lordship never wanted a proper exhortation upon these occasions. He
did not now endeavour to pacify him with assurances of the minister's
favour, because he perceived that these medicines had, by repeated use,
lost their effect upon our adventurer, whose menaces he now combated
by representing that the minister's purse was heavier than that of
Mr. Pickle; that, therefore, should he make a point of opposing his
interest, the youth must infallibly fail in the contest; in which case
he would find himself utterly destitute of the means of subsistence, and
consequently precluded from all hope of provision.
This was an observation, the truth of which our young gentleman could
not pretend to doubt, though it did not at all tend to the vindication
of his honour's conduct. Indeed, Pickle began to suspect the sincerity
of his own patron, who, in his opinion, had trifled with his impatience,
and even eluded, by sorry excuses, his desire of having another
private audience of the first mover. His lordship also began to be less
accessible than usual; and Peregrine had been obliged to dun the steward
with repeated demands, before he could finger the last quarter of his
interest. Alarmed by these considerations, he went and consulted the
nobleman whom he had obliged in the affair of his son, and had the
mortification to hear but a very indifferent character of the person in
whom he had so long confided. This new adviser, who, though a courtier,
was a rival of the other, gave our adventurer to understand, that he had
been leaning upon a broken reed; that his professed patron was a man of
shattered fortune and decayed interest, which extended no farther than
a smile and a whisper; that, for his own part, he should have been proud
of an opportunity to use his influence with the minister in behalf of
Mr. Pickle. “But, since you have put yourself under the protection of
another peer,” said he, “whose connections interfere with mine, I cannot
now espouse your cause, without incurring the imputation of seducing
that nobleman's adherents; a charge which, of all others, I would most
carefully avoid. However, I shall always be ready to assist you with my
private advice, as a specimen of which, I now counsel you to insist upon
having another interview with Sir Steady Steerwell himself, that you
may in person explain your pretensions, without any risk of being
misrepresented; and endeavour, if possible, to draw him into some
particular promise, from which he cannot retract, with any regard to
his reputation; for general profession is a necessary armour worn by all
ministers in their own defence, against the importunity of those whom
they will not befriend, and would not disoblige.”
This advice was so conformable to his own sentiments, that our
adventurer seized the first opportunity to demand a hearing, and plainly
told his patron, that, if he could not be indulged with that favour, he
should look upon his lordship's influence to be very small, and his
own hopes to be altogether desperate; in which case he was resolved to
dispose of the mortgage, purchase an annuity, and live independent.