Peregrine is celebrated as a Wit and Patron, and proceeds to entertain
himself at the Expense of whom it did concern.
In the meantime, Peregrine flourished in the gay scenes of life, and,
as I have already observed, had divers opportunities of profiting in the
way of marriage, had not his ambition been a little too inordinate, and
his heart still biased by a passion, which all the levity of youth could
not balance, nor all the pride of vanity overcome. Nor was our hero
unmarked in the world of letters and taste; he had signalized himself in
several poetical productions, by which he had acquired a good share of
reputation: not that the pieces were such as ought to have done much
honour to his genius; but any tolerable performance from a person of his
figure and supposed fortune, will always be considered by the bulk of
readers as an instance of astonishing capacity; though the very same
production, ushered into the world with the name of an author in less
affluent circumstances would be justly disregarded and despised; so
much is the opinion of most people influenced and overawed by ridiculous
considerations.
Be this as it will, our young gentleman was no sooner distinguished
as an author, than he was marked out as a patron by all the starving
retainers to poetry; he was solemnised in odes, celebrated in epigrams,
and fed with the milk of soft dedication. His vanity even relished this
incense; and, though his reason could not help despising those that
offered it, not one of them was sent away unowned by his munificence.
He began to think himself, in good earnest, that superior genius which
their flattery had described; he cultivated acquaintance with the wits
of fashion, and even composed in secret a number of bon-mots, which
he uttered in company as the impromptus of his imagination. In this
practice, indeed, he imitated some of the most renowned geniuses of the
age, who, if the truth were known, have laboured in secret, with the
sweat of their brows, for many a repartee which they have vended as the
immediate production of fancy and expression. He was so successful in
this exercise of his talents, that his fame actually came in competition
with that great man who had long sat at the helm of wit; and, in a
dialogue that once happened between them, on the subject of a corkscrew,
wherein the altercation was discharged, according to Bayes, slap for
slap, dash for dash, our hero was judged to have the better of his
lordship, by some of the minor satellites, that commonly surround and
reflect the rays of such mighty luminaries.
In a word, he dipped himself so far in these literary amusements, that
he took the management of the pit into his direction, putting himself
at the head of those critics who call themselves the town; and in that
capacity chastised several players, who had been rendered insolent
and refractory by unmerited success. As for the new productions of the
stage, though generally unspirited and insipid, they always enjoyed the
benefit of his influence and protection; because he never disliked the
performance so much as he sympathized with the poor author, who stood
behind the scenes in the most dreadful suspense, trembling, as it were,
on the very brink of damnation. Yet, though he extended his generosity
and compassion to the humble and needy, he never let slip one
opportunity of mortifying villainy and arrogance. Had the executive
power of the legislature been vested in him, he would have doubtless
devised strange species of punishment for all offenders against humanity
and decorum; but, restricted as he was, he employed his invention in
subjecting them to the ridicule and contempt of their fellow-subjects.
It was with this view he set on foot the scheme of conjuration, which
was still happily carried on, and made use of the intelligence of his
friend Cadwallader; though he sometimes converted this advantage to the
purposes of gallantry, being, as the reader may have perceived, of a
very amorous complexion. He not only acted the reformer, or rather the
castigator, in the fashionable world, but also exercised his
talents among the inferior class of people, who chanced to incur his
displeasure. One mischievous plan that entered our hero's imagination
was suggested by two advertisements published in the same paper, by
persons who wanted to borrow certain sums of money, for which they
promised to give undeniable security. Peregrine, from the style and
manner of both, concluded they were written by attorneys, a species of
people for whom he entertained his uncle's aversion. In order to amuse
himself and some of his friends with their disappointment, he wrote
a letter signed A. B. to each advertiser, according to the address
specified in the newspaper, importing, that if he would come with his
writings to a certain coffee-house near the Temple, precisely at six in
the evening, he would find a person sitting in the right-hand box next
to the window, who would be glad to treat with him about the subject of
his advertisement; and, should his security be liked, would accommodate
him with the sum which he wanted to raise. Before the hour of this
double appointment, Pickle, with his friend Cadwallader, and a few more
gentlemen, to whom he had thought proper to communicate the plan, went
to the coffee-house, and seated themselves near the place that was
destined for their meeting.
The hope of getting money had such an evident effect upon their
punctuality, that one of them arrived a considerable time before the
hour; and having reconnoitred the room, took his station according to
the direction he had received, fixing his eye upon a dock that stood
before him, and asking of the barkeeper, if it was not too slow. He,
had not remained in this posture many minutes, when he was joined by a
strange figure that waddled into the room, with a bundle of papers in
his bosom, and the sweat running over his nose. Seeing a man in the box
to which he had been directed, he took it for granted that he was the
lender; and as soon as he could recover his breath, which was almost
exhausted by the despatch he had made, “Sir,” said he, “I presume
you are the gentleman I was to meet about that loan.” Here he was
interrupted by the other, who eagerly replied, “A. B., sir, I suppose.”
“The same,” cried the last-comer: “I was afraid I should be too late;
for I was detained beyond my expectation by a nobleman at the other end
of the town, that wants to mortgage a small trifle of his estate, about
a thousand a year; and my watch happens to be in the hands of the maker,
having met with an accident a few nights ago, which set it asleep.
But, howsomever, there is no time lost, and I hope this affair will be
transacted to the satisfaction of us both. For my own part, I love to do
good offices myself, and therefore I expect nothing but what is fair and
honest of other people.”
His new friend was exceedingly comforted by this declaration, which he
considered as a happy omen of his success; and the hope of fingering
the cash operated visibly in his countenance, while he expressed his
satisfaction at meeting with a person of such candour and humanity. “The
pleasure,” said he, “of dealing with an easy conscientious man is, in my
opinion, superior to that of touching all the money upon earth; for what
joy can be compared with what a generous mind feels in befriending its
fellow-creatures? I was never so happy in my life, as at one time, in
lending five hundred pounds to a worthy gentleman in distress, without
insisting upon rigid security. Sir, one may easily distinguish an
upright man by his countenance: for example now, I think I could
take your word for ten thousand pounds.” The other, with great joy,
protested, that he was right in his conjecture, and returned the
compliment a thousand-fold; by which means, the expectation of both was
wound up to a very interesting pitch; and both, at the same instant,
began to produce their papers, in the untying of which their hands shook
with transports of eagerness and impatience; while their eyes were so
intent upon their work, that they did not perceive the occupation of
each other.
At length, one of them, having got the start of the other, and unrolled
several skins of musty parchment, directed his view to the employment of
his friend; and, seeing him fumbling at his bundle, asked if that was
a blank bond and conveyance which he had brought along with him. The
other, without lifting up his eyes, or desisting from his endeavours to
loose the knot, which by this time he had applied to his teeth, answered
this question in the negative, observing that the papers in his hand
were the security which he proposed to give for the money. This reply
converted the looks of the inquirer into a stare of infinite solidity,
accompanied with the word Anan! which he pronounced in a tone of fear
and astonishment. The other, alarmed at this note, cast his eyes towards
the supposed lender, and was in a moment infected by his aspect. All
the exultation of hope that sparkled in their eyes was now succeeded by
disappointment and dismay; and while they gazed ruefully at each other,
their features were gradually elongated, like the transient curls of a
Middle-row periwig.
This emphatic silence was, however, broken by the last-comer, who, in
a faltering accent, desired the other to recollect the contents of his
letter. “Of your letter!” cried the first, putting into his hand the
advertisement he had received from Pickle; which he had no sooner
perused, than he produced his own for the satisfaction of the other
party. So that another gloomy pause ensued, at the end of which, each
uttered a profound sigh, or rather groan, and, rising up, sneaked off
without further communication, he who seemed to be the most afflicted of
the two, taking his departure, with an exclamation of “Humbugged, egad!”
Such were the amusements of our hero, though they did not engross his
whole time, some part of which was dedicated to nocturnal riots and
revels, among a set of young noblemen, who had denounced war against
temperance, economy, and common sense, and were indeed the devoted sons
of tumult, waste, and prodigality. Not that Peregrine relished those
scenes, which were a succession of absurd extravagance, devoid of all
true spirit, taste, or enjoyment. But his vanity prompted him to mingle
with those who are entitled the choice spirits of the age; and his
disposition was so pliable, as to adapt itself easily to the measures of
his company, where he had not influence enough to act in the capacity
of a director. Their rendezvous was a certain tavern, which might be
properly styled the temple of excess, where they left the choice of
their fare to the discretion of the landlord, that they might save
themselves the pains of exercising their own reason; and, in order to
avoid the trouble of adjusting the bill, ordered the waiter to declare
how much every individual must pay, without specifying the articles of
the charge. This proportion generally amounted to two guineas per head
for each dinner and supper; and frequently exceeded that sum; of which
the landlord durst not abate, without running the risk of having his
nose slit for his moderation.
But this was puny expense compared with that which they often incurred,
by the damage done to the furniture and servants, in the madness of
their intoxication, as well as the loss they sustained at hazard, an
amusement to which all of them had recourse in the progress of their
debauches. This elegant diversion was introduced, encouraged, and
promoted by a crew of rapacious sharpers, who had made themselves
necessary companions to this hopeful generation, by the talents of
pimping and buffoonery. Though they were universally known, even
by those they preyed upon to have no other means of earning their
livelihood, than the most infamous and fraudulent practices, they were
caressed and courted by these infatuated dupes, when a man of honour,
who would not join in their excesses, would have been treated with the
utmost indignity and contempt.
Though Peregrine, in his heart, detested those abandoned courses,
and was a professed enemy to the whole society of gamesters, whom
he considered, and always treated, as the foes of humankind, he was
insensibly accustomed to licentious riot, and even led imperceptibly
into play by those cormorants, who are no less dangerous in the art of
cheating, than by their consummate skill in working up the passions of
unwary youth. They are, for the most part, naturally cool, phlegmatic,
and crafty, and, by a long habit of dissimulation, have gained an
absolute dominion over the hasty passions of the heart; so that they
engage with manifest advantage over the impatience and impetuosity of a
warm undesigning temper, like that of our young gentleman, who, when he
was heated with wine, misled by example, invited on one hand, and
defied on the other, forgot all his maxims of caution and sobriety, and,
plunging into the reigning folly of the place, had frequent occasions
to moralize in the morning upon the loss of the preceding night. These
penitential reflections were attended with many laudable resolutions of
profiting by the experience which he had so dearly purchased; but he
was one of those philosophers who always put off till another day the
commencement of their reformation.