He cultivates an Acquaintance with the Misanthrope, who favours him with
a short Sketch of his own History.
Peregrine was extremely well pleased with this occasional rebuke, which
occurred so seasonably, that he could scarce believe it accidental. He
looked upon Cadwallader as the greatest curiosity he had ever known,
and cultivated the old man's acquaintance with such insinuating address,
that in less than a fortnight he obtained his confidence. As they one
day walked into the fields together, the man-hater disclosed himself in
these words:--“Though the term of our communication has been but short,
you must have perceived, that I treat you with uncommon marks of regard;
which, I assure you, is not owing to your personal accomplishments, nor
the pains you take to oblige me; for the first I overlook, and the
last I see through. But there is something in your disposition which
indicates a rooted contempt for the world, and I understand you have
made some successful efforts in exposing one part of it to the ridicule
of the other. It is upon this assurance that I offer you my advice and
assistance, in prosecuting other schemes of the same nature; and to
convince you that such an alliance is not to be rejected, I will now
give you a short sketch of my history, which will be published after my
death, in forty-seven volumes of my own compiling.
“I was born about forty miles from this place, of parents who, having
a very old family name to support, bestowed their whole fortune on my
elder brother; so that I inherited of my father little else than a large
share of choler, to which I am indebted for a great many adventures that
did not always end to my satisfaction. At the age of eighteen I was sent
up to town, with a recommendation to a certain peer, who found means
to amuse me with the promise of a commission for seven whole years; and
'tis odds but I should have made my fortune by my perseverance, had not
I been arrested, and thrown into the Marshalsea by my landlord, on whose
credit I had subsisted three years, after my father had renounced me as
an idle vagabond. There I remained six months, among those prisoners
who have no other support than chance charity; and contracted a very
valuable acquaintance, which was of great service to me in the future
emergencies of my life.
“I was no sooner discharged, in consequence of an act of parliament
for the relief of insolvent debtors, than I went to the house of my
creditor, whom I cudgelled without mercy; and, that I might leave
nothing undone of those things which I ought to have done, my next stage
was to Westminster Hall, where I waited until my patron came forth from
the house, and saluted him with a blow that laid him senseless on the
pavement. But my retreat was not so fortunate as I could have wished.
The chairman and lacqueys in waiting having surrounded and disarmed me
in a trice, I was committed to Newgate, and loaded with chains; and
a very sagacious gentleman, who was afterwards hanged, having sat in
judgment upon my case, pronounced me guilty of a capital crime, and
foretold my condemnation at the Old Bailey. His prognostic, however, was
disappointed; for nobody appearing to prosecute me at the next session,
I was discharged by order of the court. It would be impossible for me
to recount, in the compass of one day's conversation, all the particular
exploits of which I bore considerable share. Suffice it to say, I have
been, at different times, prisoner in all the jails within the bills of
mortality. I have broken from every round-house on this side Temple-bar.
No bailiff, in the days of my youth and desperation, durst execute a
writ upon me without a dozen of followers; and the justices themselves
trembled when I was brought before them.
“I was once maimed by a carman, with whom I quarrelled, because he
ridiculed my leek on St. David's day; my skull was fractured by a
butcher's cleaver on the like occasion. I have been run through the body
five times, and lost the tip of my left ear by a pistol bullet. In a
rencontre of this kind, having left my antagonist for dead, I was wise
enough to make my retreat into France; and a few days after my arrival
at Paris, entering into conversation with some officers on the subject
of politics, a dispute arose, in which I lost my temper, and spoke so
irreverently of the Grand Monarque, that next morning I was sent to the
Bastille, by virtue of a lettre de cachet. There I remained for
some months, deprived of all intercourse with rational creatures;
a circumstance for which I was not sorry, as I had the more time to
project schemes of revenge against the tyrant who confined me, and the
wretch who had betrayed my private conversation. But tired, at length,
with these fruitless suggestions, I was fain to unbend the severity of
my thoughts by a correspondence with some industrious spiders, who had
hung my dungeon with their ingenious labours.
“I considered their work with such attention that I soon became an adept
in the mystery of weaving, and furnished myself with as many useful
observations and reflections on that art, as will compose a very curious
treatise, which I intend to bequeath to the Royal Society, for the
benefit of our woollen manufacture; and this with a view to perpetuate
my own name, rather than befriend my country; for, thank Heaven! I am
weaned from all attachments of that kind, and look upon myself as one
very little obliged to any society whatsoever. Although I presided
with absolute power over this long-legged community, and distributed
punishments and rewards to each, according to his deserts, I grew
impatient of my situation; and my natural disposition one day
prevailing, like a fire which had long been smothered, I wreaked the
fury of my indignation upon my innocent subjects, and in a twinkling
destroyed the whole race. While I was employed in this general massacre,
the turnkey, who brought me food, opened the door, and perceiving my
transport, shrugged up his shoulders, and leaving my allowance, went
out, pronouncing, Le pauvre diable! la tete lui tourne. My passion no
sooner subsided than I resolved to profit by this opinion of the jailor,
and from that day counterfeited lunacy with such success, that in less
than three months I was delivered from the Bastille, and sent to the
galleys, in which they thought my bodily vigour might be of service,
although the faculties of my mind were decayed. Before I was chained
to the oar, I received three hundred stripes by way of welcome, that I
might thereby be rendered more tractable, notwithstanding I used all the
arguments in my power to persuade them I was only mad north-north-west,
and, when the wind was southerly, knew a hawk from a handsaw.
“In our second cruise we had the good fortune to be overtaken by
a tempest, during which the slaves were unbound, that they might
contribute the more to the preservation of the galley, and have a chance
for their lives, in case of shipwreck. We were no sooner at liberty,
than, making ourselves masters of the vessel, we robbed the officers,
and ran her on shore among rocks on the coast of Portugal; from whence
I hastened to Lisbon, with a view of obtaining my passage in some ship
bound for England, where, by this time, I hoped my affair was forgotten.
“But, before this scheme could be accomplished, my evil genius led me
into company; and, being intoxicated, I began to broach doctrines on
the subject of religion, at which some of the party were scandalized and
incensed; and I was next day dragged out of bed by the officers of the
Inquisition, and conveyed to a cell in the prison belonging to that
tribunal.
“At my first examination, my resentment was strong enough to support me
under the torture, which I endured without flinching; but my resolution
abated, and my zeal immediately cooled, when I understood from a
fellow-prisoner, who groaned on the other side of the partition, that
in a short time there would be an auto da fe; in consequence of which
I should, in all probability, be doomed to the flames, if I would not
renounce my heretical errors, and submit to such penance as the church
should think fit to prescribe. This miserable wretch was convicted of
Judaism, which he had privately practised by connivance for many years,
until he had amassed a fortune sufficient to attract the regard of the
church. To this he fell a sacrifice, and accordingly prepared himself
for the stake; while I, not at all ambitious of the crown of martyrdom,
resolved to temporize; so that, when I was brought to the question the
second time, I made a solemn recantation. As I had no worldly fortune to
obstruct my salvation, I was received into the bosom of the church, and,
by way of penance, enjoined to walk barefoot to Rome in the habit of a
pilgrim.
“During my peregrination through Spain, I was detained as a spy, until
I could procure credentials from the Inquisition at Lisbon; and behaved
with such resolution and reserve, that, after being released, I
was deemed a proper person to be employed in quality of a secret
intelligencer at a certain court. This office I undertook without
hesitation; and being furnished with money and bills of credit, crossed
the Pyrenees, with intention to revenge myself upon the Spaniards for
the severities I had undergone during my captivity.
“Having therefore effectually disguised myself by a change of dress, and
a large patch on one eye, I hired an equipage, and appeared at Bologna
in quality of an itinerant physician; in which capacity I succeeded
tolerably well, till my servants decamped in the night with my baggage,
and left me in the condition of Adam. In short, I have travelled over
the greatest part of Europe, as a beggar, pilgrim, priest, soldier,
gamester, and quack; and felt the extremes of indigence and opulence,
with the inclemency of weather in all its vicissitudes. I have learned
that the characters of mankind are everywhere the same; that common
sense and honesty bear an infinitely small proportion to folly and vice;
and that life is at best a paltry province.
“After having suffered innumerable hardships, dangers, and disgraces, I
returned to London, where I lived some years in a garret, and picked up
a subsistence, such as it was, by vending purges in the streets, from
the back of a pied horse, in which situation I used to harangue the mob
in broken English, under pretence of being an High German doctor.
“At last an uncle died, by whom I inherited an estate of three hundred
pounds per annum, though, in his lifetime, he would not have parted with
a sixpence to save my soul and body from perdition.
“I now appear in the world, not as a member of any community, or what
is called a social creature, but merely as a spectator, who entertains
himself with the grimaces of a jack-pudding, and banquets his spleen in
beholding his enemies at loggerheads. That I may enjoy this disposition,
abstracted from all interruption, danger, and participation, I feign
myself deaf; an expedient by which I not only avoid all disputes and
their consequences, but also become master of a thousand little secrets,
which are every day whispered in my presence, without any suspicion of
their being overheard. You saw how I handled that shallow politician at
my Lady Plausible's the other day. The same method I practise upon the
crazed Tory, the bigot Whig, the sour, supercilious pedant, the petulant
critic, the blustering coward, the fawning fool, the pert imp, sly
sharper, and every other species of knaves and fools, with which this
kingdom abounds.
“In consequence of my rank and character, I obtain free admission to
the ladies, among whom I have acquired the appellation of the Scandalous
Chronicle. As I am considered, while silent, in no other light than that
of a footstool or elbow-chair, they divest their conversation of all
restraint before me, and gratify my sense of hearing with strange
things, which, if I could prevail upon myself to give the world that
satisfaction, would compose a curious piece of secret history, and
exhibit a quite different idea of characters from what is commonly
entertained.
“By this time, young gentleman, you may perceive that I have it in
my power to be a valuable correspondent, and that it will be to your
interest to deserve my confidence.”
Here the misanthrope left off speaking, desirous to know the sentiments
of our hero, who embraced the proffered alliance in a transport of joy
and surprise; and the treaty was no sooner concluded, than Mr. Crabtree
began to perform articles, by imparting to him a thousand delicious
secrets, from the possession of which he promised himself innumerable
scenes of mirth and enjoyment. By means of this associate, whom he
considered as the ring of Gyges, he foresaw, that he should be enabled
to penetrate, not only into the chambers, but even to the inmost
thoughts of the female sex. In order to ward off suspicion, they
agreed to revile each other in public, and meet at a certain private
rendezvous, to communicate their mutual discoveries, and concert their
future operations.
But, soon after this agreement, our adventurer was summoned to the
garrison by an express from his friend Hatchway, representing that the
commodore lay at the point of death; and, in less than an hour after
the receipt of this melancholy piece of news, he set out post for his
uncle's habitation, having previously taken leave of Crabtree,
who promised to meet him in two months in London; and settled a
correspondence with Gauntlet, who proposed to remain at Bath during the
rest of the season.