The two Friends eclipse all their Competitors in Gallantry, and practise
a pleasant Project of Revenge upon the Physicians of the Place.
The fame of their exploit against the sharpers was immediately diffused
through all the companies at Bath; so that, when our adventurers
appeared in public, they were pointed out by an hundred extended
fingers, and considered as consummate artists in all the different
species of finesse, which they would not fail to practise with the first
opportunity. Nor was this opinion of their characters any obstacle to
their reception into the fashionable parties in the place; but, on the
contrary, such a recommendation, which, as I have already hinted, never
fails to operate for the advantage of the possessor.
This first adventure, therefore, served them as an introduction to
the company at Bath, who were not a little surprised to find their
expectations baffled by the conduct of the two companions; because,
far from engaging deeply at play, they rather shunned all occasions of
gaming, and directed their attention to gallantry, in which our hero
shone unrivalled. His external qualifications, exclusive of any other
merit, were strong enough to captivate the common run of the female sex;
and these, reinforced with a sprightliness of conversation, and a
most insinuating address, became irresistible, even by those who were
fortified with pride, caution, or indifference. But, among all the
nymphs of this gay place, he did not meet with one object that disputed
the empire of his heart with Emilia, and therefore he divided his
attachment according to the suggestions of vanity and whim; so that,
before he had resided a fortnight at Bath, he had set all the ladies
by the ears, and furnished all the hundred tongues of scandal with full
employment. The splendour of his appearance excited the inquiries of
envy, which, instead of discovering any circumstances to his prejudice,
was cursed with the information of his being a young gentleman of a good
family, and heir to an immense fortune.
The countenance of some of his quality friends, who arrived at Bath,
confirmed this piece of intelligence. Upon which his acquaintance
was courted and cultivated with great assiduity; and he met with such
advances from some of the fair sex, as rendered him extremely fortunate
in his amours. Nor was his friend Godfrey a stranger to favours of the
same kind; his accomplishments were exactly calculated for the meridian
of female taste; and, with certain individuals of that sex, his muscular
frame, and the robust connection of his limbs, were more attractive
than the delicate proportions of his companion. He accordingly reigned
paramount among those inamoratas who were turned of thirty, without
being under the necessity of proceeding by tedious addresses, and was
thought to have co-operated with the waters in removing the sterility of
certain ladies, who had long undergone the reproach and disgust of their
husbands; while Peregrine set up his throne among those who laboured
under the disease of celibacy, from the pert miss of fifteen, who,
with a fluttering heart, tosses her head, bridles up, and giggles
involuntarily at sight of a handsome young man, to the staid maid of
twenty-eight, who, with a demure aspect, moralizes on the vanity of
beauty, the folly of youth, and simplicity of woman, and expatiates
on friendship, benevolence, and good sense, in the style of a Platonic
philosopher.
In such a diversity of dispositions, his conquests were attended with
all the heart-burnings, animosities, and turmoils of jealousy and spite.
The younger class took all opportunities of mortifying their seniors
in public, by treating them with that indignity which, contrary to the
general privilege of age, is, by the consent and connivance of mankind,
leveled against those who have the misfortune to come under the
denomination of old maids; and these last retorted their hostilities
in the private machinations of slander, supported by experience and
subtilty of invention. Not one day passed in which some new story did
not circulate, to the prejudice of one or other of those rivals.
If our hero, in the long-room, chanced to quit one of the moralists,
with whom he had been engaged in conversation, he was immediately
accosted by a number of the opposite faction, who, with ironical smiles,
upbraided him with cruelty to the poor lady he had left, exhorted him to
have compassion on her sufferings; and, turning their eyes towards
the object of their intercession, broke forth into a universal peal of
laughter. On the other hand, when Peregrine, in consequence of having
danced with one of the minors overnight, visited her in the morning,
the Platonists immediately laid hold on the occasion, tasked their
imaginations, associated ideas, and, with sage insinuations, retailed a
thousand circumstances of the interview, which never had any foundation
in truth. They observed, that, if girls are determined to behave with
such indiscretion, they must lay their accounts with incurring the
censure of the world; that she in question was old enough to act more
circumspectly; and wondered that her mother would permit any young
fellow to approach the chamber while her daughter was naked in bed.
As for the servants peeping through the key-hole, to be sure it was an
unlucky accident; but people ought to be upon their guard against
such curiosity, and give their domestics no cause to employ their
penetration. These and other such reflections were occasionally
whispered as secrets among those who were known to be communicative; so
that, in a few hours, it became the general topic of discourse; and,
as it had been divulged under injunctions of secrecy, it was almost
impossible to trace the scandal to its origin; because every person
concerned must have promulgated her own breach of trust, in discovering
her author of the report.
Peregrine, instead of allaying, rather exasperated this contention,
by an artful distribution of his attention among the competitors; well
knowing, that, should his regard be converged into one point, he would
soon forfeit the pleasure he enjoyed in seeing them at variance; for
both parties would join against the common enemy, and his favourite
would be persecuted by the whole coalition. He perceived, that, among
the secret agents of scandal, none were so busy as the physicians, a
class of animals who live in this place, like so many ravens hovering
about a carcase, and even ply for employment, like scullers at
Hungerford-stairs. The greatest part of them have correspondents
in London, who make it their business to inquire into the history,
character, and distemper of every one that repairs to Bath, for the
benefit of the waters, and if they cannot procure interest to recommend
their medical friends to these patients before they set out, they at
least furnish them with a previous account of what they could collect,
that their correspondents may use this intelligence for their own
advantage. By these means, and the assistance of flattery and assurance,
they often insinuate themselves into the acquaintance of strangers, and,
by consulting their dispositions, become necessary and subservient to
their prevailing passions. By their connection with apothecaries and
nurses, they are informed of all the private occurrences in each family,
and therefore enabled to gratify the rancour of malice, amuse the spleen
of peevish indisposition, and entertain the eagerness of impertinent
curiosity.
In the course of these occupations, which frequently affected the
reputation of our two adventurers, this whole body fell under the
displeasure of our hero, who, after divers consultations with his
friend, concerted a stratagem, which was practised upon the faculty
in this manner. Among those who frequented the pump-room, was an old
officer, whose temper, naturally impatient, was, by repeated attacks
of the gout, which had almost deprived him of the use of his limbs,
sublimated into a remarkable degree of virulence and perverseness. He
imputed the inveteracy of his distemper to the malpractice of a surgeon
who had administered to him, while he laboured under the consequences
of an unfortunate amour; and this supposition had inspired him with an
insurmountable antipathy to all the professors of the medical art, which
was more and more confirmed by the information of a friend at London,
who had told him, that it was the common practice among the physicians
at Bath to dissuade their patients from drinking the water, that the
cure, and in consequence their attendance, might be longer protracted.
Thus prepossessed, he had come to Bath, and, conformable to a few
general instructions he had received, used the waters without any
farther direction, taking all occasions of manifesting his hatred and
contempt of the sons of Esculapius, both by speech and gesticulations,
and even by pursuing a regimen quite contrary to that which he knew they
prescribed to others who seemed to be exactly in his condition. But he
did not find his account in this method, how successful soever it may
have been in other cases. His complaints, instead of vanishing, were
every day more and more enraged: and at length he was confined to his
bed, where he lay blaspheming from morn to night, and from night to
morn, though still more determined than ever to adhere to his former
maxims.
In the midst of his torture, which was become the common joke of the
town, being circulated through the industry of the physicians, who
triumphed in his disaster, Peregrine, by means of Mr. Pipes, employed a
country fellow, who had come to market, to run with great haste, early
one morning, to the lodgings of all the doctors in town, and desire them
to attend the colonel with all imaginable despatch. In consequence of
this summons, the whole faculty put themselves in motion; and three
of the foremost arriving at the same instant of time, far from
complimenting one another with the door, each separately essayed to
enter, and the whole triumvirate stuck in the passage. While they
remained thus wedged together, they descried two of their brethren
posting towards the same goal, with all the speed that God had enabled
them to exert; upon which they came to a parley, and agreed to stand
by one another. This covenant being made, they disentangled themselves,
and, inquiring about the patient, were told by the servant that he had
just fallen asleep.
Having received this intelligence, they took possession of his
ante-chamber, and shut the door, while the rest of the tribe posted
themselves on the outside as they arrived; so that the whole passage was
filled, from the top of the staircase to the street-door; and the people
of the house, together with the colonel's servant, struck dumb with
astonishment. The three leaders of this learned gang had no sooner made
their lodgment good, than they began to consult about the patient's
malady, which every one of them pretended to have considered with great
care and assiduity. The first who gave his opinion, said, the distemper
was an obstinate arthritis; the second affirmed, that it was no other
than a confirmed pox; and the third swore, it was an inveterate scurvy.
This diversity of opinions was supported by a variety of quotations
from medical authors, ancient as well as modern; but these were not of
sufficient authority, or, at least, not explicit enough to decide the
dispute; for there are many schisms in medicine, as well as in religion,
and each sect can quote the fathers in support of the tenets they
profess. In short, the contention rose to such a pitch of clamour, as
not only alarmed the brethren on the stair, but also awaked the patient
from the first nap he had enjoyed in the space of ten whole days. Had
it been simply waking, he would have been obliged to them for the noise
that disturbed him; for, in that case, he would have been relieved from
the tortures of hell fire, to which, in his dreams, he fancied himself
exposed. But this dreadful vision had been the result of that impression
which was made upon his brain by the intolerable anguish of his joints;
so that, when he awaked, the pain, instead of being allayed, was
rather aggravated by a great acuteness of sensation; and the confused
vociferation in the next room invading his ears at the same time, he
began to think his dream was realised, and, in the pangs of despair,
applied himself to a bell that stood by his bedside, which he rung with
great violence and perseverance.
This alarm put an immediate stop to the disputation of the three
doctors, who, upon this notice of his being awake, rushed into his
chamber, without ceremony; and two of them seizing his arms, the third
made the like application to one of his temples. Before the patient
could recollect himself from the amazement which had laid hold on him
at this unexpected irruption, the room was filled by the rest of the
faculty, who followed the servant that entered in obedience to his
master's call; and the bed was in a moment surrounded by these gaunt
ministers of death. The colonel seeing himself beset with such an
assemblage of solemn visages and figures, which he had always considered
with the utmost detestation and abhorrence, was incensed to a most
inexpressible degree of indignation; and so inspirited by his rage, that
though his tongue denied its office, his other limbs performed their
functions. He disengaged himself from the triumvirate, who had taken
possession of his body, sprung out of bed with incredible agility, and,
seizing one of his crutches, applied it so effectually to one of the
three, just as he stooped to examine the patient's water, that his
tie-periwig dropped into the pot, while he himself fell motionless on
the floor.
This significant explanation disconcerted the whole fraternity; every
man turned his face, as if it were by instinct, towards the door;
and the retreat of the community being obstructed by the efforts of
individuals, confusion and tumultuous uproar ensued. For the colonel,
far from limiting his prowess to the first exploit, handled his weapon
with astonishing vigour and dexterity, without respect of persons; so
that few or none of them had escaped without marks of his displeasure,
when his spirits failed, and he sank down again quite exhausted on his
bed. Favoured by this respite, the discomfited faculty collected their
hats and wigs, which had fallen off in the fray; and perceiving the
assailant too much enfeebled to renew the attack, set up their throats
together, and loudly threatened to prosecute him severely for such an
outrageous assault.
By this time the landlord had interposed; and, inquiring into the
cause of the disturbance, was informed of what had happened by the
complainants, who, at the same time, giving him to understand that
they had been severally summoned to attend the colonel that morning, he
assured them that they had been imposed upon by some wag, for his lodger
had never dreamed of consulting any one of their profession.
Thunderstruck at this declaration, the general clamour instantaneously
ceased; and each, in particular, at once comprehending the nature of
the joke, they sneaked silently off with the loss they had sustained, in
unutterable shame and mortification; while Peregrine and his friend, who
took care to be passing that way by accident, made a full stop at
sight of such an extraordinary efflux, and enjoyed the countenance and
condition of every one as he appeared; nay, even made up to some of
those who seemed most affected with their situation, and mischievously
tormented them with questions, touching this unusual congregation; then,
in consequence of the information they received from the landlord and
the colonel's valet, subjected the sufferers to the ridicule of all the
company in town. As it would have been impossible for the authors of
this farce to keep themselves concealed from the indefatigable inquiries
of the physicians, they made no secret of their having directed the
whole: though they took care to own it in such an ambiguous manner, as
afforded no handle of prosecution.