His Messenger meets with a Misfortune, to which he applies a very
extraordinary Expedient that is attended with strange Consequences.
As a stage-coach passed within two miles of the village where she lived,
Tom bargained with the driver for a seat on the box, and accordingly
departed on this message, though he was but indifferently qualified for
commissions of such a nature. Having received particular injunctions
about the letter, he resolved to make that the chief object of his care,
and very sagaciously conveyed it between the stocking and the sole of
his foot, where he thought it would be perfectly secure from all injury
or accident. Here it remained until he arrived at the inn where he had
formerly lodged, when, after having refreshed himself with a draught of
beer, he pulled off his stocking, and found the poor billet sullied
with dust, and torn in a thousand tatters by the motion of his foot
in walking the last two miles of his journey. Thunderstruck at
this phenomenon, he uttered it loud whew! which was succeeded by an
exclamation of “D-- my old shoes! a bite by G--!” then he rested his
elbows on the table, and his forehead upon his two fists, and in that
attitude deliberated with himself upon the means of remedying this
misfortune.
As he was not distracted by a vast number of ideas he soon concluded
that his best expedient would be to employ the clerk of the parish, who
he knew was a great scholar, to write another epistle according to
the directions he should give him; and never dreaming that the mangled
original would in the least facilitate this scheme, he very wisely
committed it to the flames, that it might never rise up in judgment
against him.
Having taken this wise step, he went in quest of the scribe, to whom
he communicated his business, and promised a full pot by way of
gratification. The clerk, who was also schoolmaster, proud of an
opportunity to distinguish his talents, readily undertook the task; and
repairing with his employer to the inn, in less than a quarter of an
hour produced a morsel of eloquence so much to the satisfaction of
Pipes, that he squeezed his hand by way of acknowledgment, and doubled
his allowance of beer. This being discussed, our courier betook himself
to the house of Mrs. Gauntlet with the haunch of venison and this
succedaneous letter, and delivered his message to the mother, who
received it with great respect, and many kind inquiries about the health
and welfare of his master, attempting to tip the messenger a crown,
which he absolutely refused to accept, in consequence of Mr. Pickle's
repeated caution. While the old gentlewoman turned to a servant in order
to give directions about the disposal of the present, Pipes looked upon
this as a favourable occasion to transact his business with Emilia, and
therefore shutting one eye, with a jerk of his thumb towards his left
shoulder, and a most significant twist of his countenance he beckoned
the young lady into another room as if he had been fraught with
something of consequence, which he wanted to impart. She understood the
hint, howsoever strangely communicated, and, by stepping to one side of
the room gave him an opportunity of slipping the epistle into her hand,
which he gently squeezed at the same time in token of regard: then
throwing a side-glance at the mother, whose back was turned, clapped
his finger on the side of his nose, thereby recommending secrecy and
discretion.
Emilia, conveying the letter into her bosom, could not help smiling at
Tom's politeness and dexterity; but lest her mamma should detect him in
the execution of his pantomime, she broke off this intercourse of signs,
by asking aloud when he proposed to set out on his return to Winchester?
When he answered, “To-morrow morning.” Miss Gauntlet recommended him
to the hospitality of her own footman, desiring him to make much of
Mr. Pipes below, where he was kept to supper, and very cordially
entertained. Our young heroine, impatient to read her lover's billet,
which made her heart throb with rapturous expectation, retired to her
chamber as soon as possible, with a view of perusing the contents, which
were these:--
“Divine Empress Of My Soul,--If the refulgent flames of your
beauty had not evaporated the particles of my transported
brain, and scorched my intellects into a cinder of stolidity,
perhaps the resplendency of my passion might shine illustrious
through the sable curtain of my ink, and in sublimity transcend
the galaxy itself, though wafted on the pinions of a gray goose
quill! But, ah! celestial enchantress! the necromancy of thy
tyrannical charms hath fettered my faculties with adamantine
chains, which, unless thy compassion shall melt I must eternally
remain in the Tartarean gulf of dismal despair. Vouchsafe,
therefore, O thou brightest luminary of this terrestrial sphere!
to warm, as well as shine; and let the genial rays of thy
benevolence melt the icy emanations of thy disdain, which hath
frozen up the spirits of angelic pre-eminence.--Thy most
egregious admirer and superlative slave,
“Peregrine Pickle.”
Never was astonishment more perplexing than that of Emilia, when she
read this curious composition, which she repeated verbatim three times
before she would credit the evidence of her own senses. She began to
fear in good earnest that love had produced a disorder in her lover's
understanding; but after a thousand conjectures by which she attempted
to account for this extraordinary fustian of style, she concluded that
it was the effect of mere levity, calculated to ridicule the passion he
had formerly professed. Irritated by this supposition, she resolved
to balk his triumph with affected indifference, and in the mean time
endeavoured to expel him from that place which he possessed within her
heart. And indeed such a victory over her inclinations might have been
obtained without great difficulty; for she enjoyed an easiness of temper
that could accommodate itself to the emergencies of her fate; and her
vivacity, by amusing her imagination, preserved herself from the keener
sensations of sorrow. Thus determined and disposed, she did not send
any sort of answer, or the least token of remembrance by Pipes, who
was suffered to depart with a general compliment from the mother, and
arrived at Winchester the next day.
Peregrine's eyes sparkled when he saw his messenger come in, and he
stretched out his hand in full confidence of receiving some particular
mark of his Emilia's affection; but how was he confounded, when he found
his hope so cruelly disappointed! In an instant his countenance fell.
He stood for some time silent and abashed, then thrice repeated the
interrogation of “What! not one word from Emilia?” and dubious of his
courier's discretion, inquired minutely into all the particulars of his
reception. He asked if he had seen the young lady, if she was in good
health, if he had found an opportunity of delivering his letter, and how
she looked, when he put it into her hand? Pipes answered, that he had
never seen her in better health or better spirits; that he had managed
matters so as not only to present the billet unperceived, but also to
ask her commands in private before he took his leave, when she told him
that the letter required no reply. This last circumstance he considered
as a manifest mark of disrespect, and gnawed his lips with resentment.
Upon further reflection, however, he supposed that she could not
conveniently write by the messenger, and would undoubtedly favour him by
the post. This consideration consoled him for the present, and he waited
impatiently for the fruits of his hope; but after he had seen eight
days elapse without reaping the satisfaction with which he had flattered
himself, his temper forsook him, he raved against the whole sex, and was
seized with a fit of sullen chagrin; but his pride in a little time came
to his assistance, and rescued him from the horrors of the melancholy
fiend. He resolved to retort her own neglect upon her ungrateful
mistress; his countenance gradually resumed its former serenity; and
though by this time he was pretty well cured of his foppery, he appeared
again at public diversions with an air of gaiety and unconcern, that
Emilia might have a chance of hearing how much, in all likelihood, he
disregarded her disdain.
There are never wanting certain officious persons, who take pleasure in
promoting intelligence of this sort. His behaviour soon reached the ears
of Miss Gauntlet, and confirmed her in the opinion she had conceived
from his letter; so that she fortified herself in her former sentiments,
and bore his indifference with great philosophy, Thus a correspondence,
which had commenced with all the tenderness and sincerity of love,
and every promise of duration, was interrupted in its infancy by a
misunderstanding occasioned by the simplicity of Pipes, who never once
reflected upon the consequences of his deceit.
Though their mutual passion was by these means suppressed for the
present, it was not altogether extinguished, but glowed in secret,
though even to themselves unknown, until an occasion, which afterwards
offered, blew up the latent flame, and love resumed his empire in
their breasts. While they moved, as it were, without the sphere of each
other's attraction, the commodore, hearing that Perry was in danger of
involving himself in some pernicious engagement, resolved, by advice
of Mr. Jolter and his friend the parish priest, to recall him from the
place where he had contracted such imprudent connections, and send him
to the university, where his education might be completed, and his fancy
weaned from all puerile amusements.
This plan had been proposed to his own father, who, as hath been already
observed, stood always neuter in everything that concerned his eldest
son; and as for Mrs. Pickle, she had never heard his name mentioned
since his departure with any degree of temper or tranquility, except
when her husband informed her that he was in a fair way of being ruined
by this indiscreet amour. It was then she began to applaud her own
foresight, which had discerned the mark of reprobation in that vicious
boy, and launched out in comparison between him and Gammy, who, she
observed, was a child of uncommon parts and solidity, and, with the
blessing of God, would be a comfort to his parents, and an ornament to
the family.
Should I affirm that this favourite whom she commended so much, was in
every respect the reverse of what she described; that he was a boy of
mean capacity, and, though remarkably distorted in his body, much more
crooked in his disposition; and that she had persuaded her husband to
espouse her opinion, though it was contrary to common sense, as well as
to his own perception;--I am afraid the reader will think I represent a
monster that never existed in nature, and be apt to condemn the economy
of my invention: nevertheless, there is nothing more true than every
circumstance of what I have advanced; and I wish the picture, singular
as it is, may not be thought to resemble more than one original.