He is also, by their device, engaged in an Adventure with the Exciseman,
who does not find his Account in his own Drollery.
Howsomever preposterous and unaccountable that passion may be which
prompts persons, otherwise generous and sympathizing, to afflict
and perplex their fellow-creatures, certain it is, our confederates
entertained such a large proportion of it, that not satisfied with the
pranks they had already played, they still persecuted the commodore
without ceasing. In the course of his own history, the particulars of
which he delighted to recount, he had often rehearsed an adventure of
deer-stealing, in which, during the unthinking impetuosity of his
youth, he had been unfortunately concerned. Far from succeeding in that
achievement, he and his associates had, it seems, been made prisoners,
after an obstinate engagement with the keepers, and carried before
a neighbouring justice of the peace, who used Trunnion with great
indignity, and with his companions committed him to jail.
His own relations, and in particular an uncle on whom he chiefly
depended, treated him during his confinement with great rigour and
inhumanity and absolutely refused to interpose his influence in his
behalf, unless he would sign a writing, obliging himself to go to
sea within thirty days after his release, under the penalty of being
proceeded against as a felon. The alternative was, either to undergo
this voluntary exile, or remain in prison disowned and deserted by
everybody, and, after all, suffer an ignominious trial, that might end
in a sentence of transportation for life. He therefore, without much
hesitation, embraced the proposal of his kinsman, and, as he observed,
was, in less than a month after his discharge, turned adrift to the
mercy of the wind and waves.
Since that period he had never maintained any correspondence with his
relations, all of whom had concurred in sending him off; nor would he
ever pay the least regard to the humiliations and supplications of some
among them, who had prostrated themselves before him, on the advancement
of his fortune: but he retained a most inveterate resentment against
his uncle, who was still in being, though extremely old and infirm, and
frequently mentioned his name with all the bitterness of revenge.
Perry being perfectly well acquainted with the particulars of this
story, which he had heard so often repeated, proposed to Hatchway that
a person should be hired to introduce himself to the commodore, with a
supposititious letter of recommendation from this detested kinsman; an
imposition that, in all likelihood, would afford abundance of diversion.
The lieutenant relished the scheme and young Pickle having composed an
epistle for the occasion, the exciseman of the parish, a fellow of great
impudence and some humour, in whom Hatchway could confide, undertook to
transcribe and deliver it with his own hand, and also personate the
man in whose favour it was feigned to be written. He, accordingly, one
morning arrived on horseback at the garrison, two hours at least
before Trunnion used to get up, and gave Pipes, who admitted him, to
understand, that he had a letter from his master, which he was ordered
to deliver to none but the commodore himself. This message was no sooner
communicated, than the indignant chief (who had been waked for the
purpose) began to curse the messenger for breaking his rest, and swore
he would not budge till his usual time of turning out. This resolution
being conveyed to the stranger, he desired the carrier to go back and
tell him, he had such joyful tidings to impart, that he was sure the
commodore would think himself amply rewarded for his trouble, even if he
had been raised from the grave to receive them.
This assurance, flattering as it was, would not have been powerful
enough to persuade him, had it not been assisted with the exhortations
of his spouse, which never failed to influence his conduct. He therefore
crept out of bed, though not without great repugnance; and wrapping
himself in his morning gown, was supported down-stairs, rubbing his eye,
yawning fearfully, and grumbling in the way. As soon as he popped his
head into the parlour, the supposed stranger made divers awkward bows,
and with a grinning aspect accosted him in these words: “Your most
humble servant, most noble commodore! I hope you are in good health; you
look pure and hearty; and if it was not for that misfortune of your eye,
one would not desire to see a more pleasant countenance in a summer's
day. Sure as I am a living soul, one would take you to be on this side
of threescore. Lord help us, I should have known you to be a Trunnion,
if I had met with one in the midst of Salisbury Plain, as the saying
is.”
The commodore, who was not at all in the humour of relishing such an
impertinent preamble, interrupted him in this place, saying, with a
peevish accent, “Pshaw! pshaw! brother, there's no occasion to bowse out
so much unnecessary gun; if you can't bring your discourse to bear on
the right subject, you had much better clap a stopper on your tongue,
and bring yourself up, d'ye see; I was told you had something to
deliver.”--“Deliver!” cried the waggish impostor, “odds heart! I have
got something for you that will make your very entrails rejoice within
your body. Here's a letter from a dear and worthy friend of yours. Take,
read it, and be happy. Blessings on his old heart! one would think he
had renewed his age, like the eagle's.” Trunnion's expectation being
thus raised, he called for his spectacles, adjusted them to his eye,
took the letter, and being curious to know the subscription, no sooner
perceived his uncle's name, then he started back, his lip quivered, and
he began to shake in every limb with resentment and surprise; eager
to know the subject of an epistle from a person who had never before
troubled him with any sort of address, he endeavoured to recollect
himself, and perused the contents, which were these;--
“Loving Nephew,--I doubt not but you will be rejoiced to
hear of my welfare; and well you may, considering what a
kind uncle I have been to you in the days of your youth, and
how little you deserved any such thing; for yet, was always
a graceless young man, given to wicked courses and bad company,
whereby you would have come to a shameful end, had it not been
for my care in sending you out of mischief's way. But this is
not the cause of my present writing. The bearer, Mr. Timothy
Trickle, is a distant relation of yours, being the son of the
cousin of your aunt Margery, and is not over and above well as
to worldly matters. He thinks of going to London, to see for
some post in the excise or customs if so be that you will
recommend him to some great man of your acquaintance, and give
him a small matter to keep him till he is provided. I doubt not,
nephew, but you will be glad to serve him, if it was no more
but for the respect you bear to me, who am,--Loving nephew,
your affectionate uncle, and servant to command,
“Tobiah Trunnion.”
It would be a difficult task for the inimitable Hogarth himself to
exhibit the ludicrous expression of the commodore's countenance while
he read this letter. It was not a stare of astonishment, a convulsion
of rage, or a ghastly grin of revenge; but an association of all three,
that took possession of his features. At length, he hawked up, with
incredible straining, the interjection, “Ah!” that seemed to have stuck
some time in his windpipe; and thus gave vent to his indignation: “Have
I come alongside of you at last, you old stinking curmudgeon? You lie,
you lousy hulk! ye lie! you did all in your power to founder me when I
was a stripling; and as for being graceless and wicked, and keeping
bad company, you tell a d--d lie again, you thief! there was not a more
peaceable lad in the county, and I kept no bad company but your own,
d'ye see. Therefore, you Trickle, or what's your name, tell the old
rascal that sent you hither, that I spit in his face, and call him
horse; that I tear his letter into rags, so; and that I trample upon
it as I would upon his own villainous carcase, d'ye see.” So saying, he
danced in a sort of frenzy upon the fragments of the paper, which he
had scattered about the room, to the inexpressible satisfaction of the
triumvirate, who beheld the scene.
The exciseman having got between him and the door, which was left open
for his escape, in case of necessity, affected great confusion and
surprise at his behaviour, saying, with an air of mortification, “Lord
be merciful unto me! is this the way you treat your own relations, and
the recommendation of your best friend? Surely all gratitude and virtue
has left this sinful world! What will cousin Tim, and Dick, and Tom,
and good mother Pipkin; and her daughters cousin Sue, and Prue, and
Peg, with all the rest of our kinsfolks, say, when they hear of this
unconscionable reception that I have met with? Consider, sir, that
ingratitude is worse than the sin of witchcraft, as the Apostle wisely
observes; and do not send me away with such unchristian usage, which
will lay a heavy load of guilt upon your poor miserable soul.”--“What,
you are on a cruise for a post, brother Trickle, an't ye?” said
Trunnion, interrupting him, “we shall find a post for you in a trice,
my boy. Here, Pipes, take this saucy son of a b-- and help him to the
whipping-post in the yard. I'll teach you to rouse me in the morning
with such impertinent messages.”
Pipes, who wanted to carry the joke farther than the exciseman dreamt
of, laid hold of him in a twinkling, and executed the orders of his
commander, notwithstanding all his nods, winking, and significant
gestures, which the boatswain's mate would by no means understand; so
that he began to repent of the part he acted in this performance, which
was like to end so tragically; and stood fastened to the stake, in a
very disagreeable state of suspense; casting many a rueful look over his
left shoulder, while Pipes was absent in quest of a cat-o'-nine-tails,
in expectation of being relieved by the interposition of the lieutenant,
who did not, however, appear. Tom, returning with the instrument of
correction, undressed the delinquent in a trice, and whispering in his
ear, that he was very sorry for being employed in such an office, but
durst not for his soul disobey the orders of his commander, flourished
the scourge about his head, and with admirable dexterity made such a
smarting application to the offender's back and shoulders, that the
distracted gauger performed sundry new cuts with his feet, and bellowed
hideously with pain, to the infinite satisfaction of the spectators. At
length, when he was almost flayed from his rump to the nape of his neck,
Hatchway, who had purposely absented himself hitherto, appeared in the
yard, and interposing in his behalf, prevailed upon Trunnion to call off
the executioner, and ordered the malefactor to be released.
The exciseman, mad with the catastrophe he had undergone, threatened
to be revenged upon his employers, by making a candid confession of
the whole plot; but the lieutenant giving him to understand, that in so
doing, he would bring upon himself a prosecution for fraud, forgery, and
imposture, he was fain to put up with his loss; and sneaked out of the
garrison, attended with a volley of curses discharged upon him by
the commodore, who was exceedingly irritated by the disturbance and
disappointment he had undergone.