THE IRRESISTIBLE OGLE

The devotion of Mr. Sheridan to the Dean of Winchester's daughter, Miss

Esther Jane Ogle--or "the irresistible Ogle," as she was toasted at the

Kit-cat--was now a circumstance to be assumed in the polite world of

London. As a result, when the parliamentarian followed her into

Scotland, in the spring of 1795, people only shrugged.

"Because it proves that misery loves company," was Mr. Fox's

observation at Wattier's, hard upon two in the morning. "Poor Sherry,

as an inconsolable widower, must naturally have some one to share his

grief. He perfectly comprehends that no one will lament the death of

his wife more fervently than her successor."

In London Mr. Fox thus worded his interpretation of the matter; and

spoke, oddly enough, at the very moment that in Edinburgh Mr. Sheridan

returned to his lodgings in Abercromby Place, deep in the reminiscences

of a fortunate evening at cards. In consequence, Mr. Sheridan entered

the room so quietly that the young man who was employed in turning over

the contents of the top bureau-drawer was taken unprepared.

But in the marauder's nature, as far as resolution went, was little

lacking. "Silence!" he ordered, and with the mandate a pistol was

leveled upon the representative for the borough of Stafford. "One cry

for help, and you perish like a dog. I warn you that I am a desperate

man."

"Now, even at a hazard of discourtesy, I must make bold to question

your statement," said Mr. Sheridan, "although, indeed, it is not so

much the recklessness as the masculinity which I dare call into

dispute."

He continued, in his best parliamentary manner, a happy blending of

reproach, omniscience and pardon. "Only two months ago," said Mr.

Sheridan, "I was so fortunate as to encounter a lady who, alike through

the attractions of her person and the sprightliness of her

conversation, convinced me I was on the road to fall in love after the

high fashion of a popular romance. I accordingly make her a

declaration. I am rejected. I besiege her with the customary

artillery of sonnets, bouquets, serenades, bonbons, theater-tickets and

threats of suicide. In fine, I contract the habit of proposing to Miss

Ogle on every Wednesday; and so strong is my infatuation that I follow

her as far into the north as Edinburgh in order to secure my eleventh

rejection at half-past ten last evening."

"I fail to understand," remarked the burglar, "how all this prolix

account of your amours can possibly concern me."

"You are at least somewhat involved in the deplorable climax," Mr.

Sheridan returned. "For behold! at two in the morning I discover the

object of my adoration and the daughter of an estimable prelate, most

calumniously clad and busily employed in rumpling my supply of cravats.

If ever any lover was thrust into a more ambiguous position, madam,

historians have touched on his dilemma with marked reticence."

He saw--and he admired--the flush which mounted to his visitor's brow.

And then, "I must concede that appearances are against me, Mr.

Sheridan," the beautiful intruder said. "And I hasten to protest that

my presence in your apartments at this hour is prompted by no unworthy

motive. I merely came to steal the famous diamond which you brought

from London--the Honor of Eiran."

"Incomparable Esther Jane," ran Mr. Sheridan's answer, "that stone is

now part of a brooch which was this afternoon returned to my cousin's,

the Earl of Eiran's, hunting-lodge near Melrose. He intends the gem

which you are vainly seeking among my haberdashery to be the adornment

of his promised bride in the ensuing June. I confess to no

overwhelming admiration as concerns this raucous if meritorious young

person; and will even concede that the thought of her becoming my

kinswoman rouses in me an inevitable distaste, no less attributable to

the discord of her features than to the source of her eligibility to

disfigure the peerage--that being her father's lucrative transactions

in Pork, which I find indigestible in any form."

"A truce to paltering!" Miss Ogle cried. "That jewel was stolen from

the temple at Moorshedabad, by the Earl of Eiran's grandfather, during

the confusion necessarily attendant on the glorious battle of Plassy."

She laid down the pistol, and resumed in milder tones: "From an

age-long existence as the left eye of Ganesh it was thus converted into

the loot of an invader. To restore this diamond to its lawful,

although no doubt polygamous and inefficiently-attired proprietors is

at this date impossible. But, oh! what claim have you to its

possession?"

"Why, none whatever," said the parliamentarian; "and to contend as much

would be the apex of unreason. For this diamond belongs, of course, to

my cousin the Earl of Eiran----"

"As a thief's legacy!" She spoke with signs of irritation.

"Eh, eh, you go too fast! Eiran, to do him justice, is not a graduate

in peculation. At worst, he is only the sort of fool one's cousins

ordinarily are."

The trousered lady walked to and fro for a while, with the impatience

of a caged lioness. "I perceive I must go more deeply into matters,"

Miss Ogle remarked, and, with that habitual gesture which he fondly

recognized, brushed back a straying lock of hair. "In any event," she

continued, "you cannot with reason deny that the world's wealth is

inequitably distributed?"

"Madam," Mr. Sheridan returned, "as a member of Parliament, I have

necessarily made it a rule never to understand political economy. It

is as apt as not to prove you are selling your vote to the wrong side

of the House, and that hurts one's conscience."

"Ah, that is because you are a man. Men are not practical. None of

you has ever dared to insist on his opinion about anything until he had

secured the cowardly corroboration of a fact or so to endorse him. It

is a pity. Yet, since through no fault of yours your sex is invariably

misled by its hallucinations as to the importance of being rational, I

will refrain from logic and statistics. In a word, I simply inform you

that I am a member of the League of Philanthropic Larcenists."

"I had not previously heard of this organization," said Mr. Sheridan,

and not without suspecting his response to be a masterpiece in the

inadequate.

"Our object is the benefit of society at large," Miss Ogle explained;

"and our obstacles so far have been, in chief, the fetish of

proprietary rights and the ubiquity of the police."

And with that she seated herself and told him of the league's inception

by a handful of reflective persons, admirers of Rousseau and converts

to his tenets, who were resolved to better the circumstances of the

indigent. With amiable ardor Miss Ogle explained how from the petit

larcenies of charity-balls and personally solicited subscriptions the

league had mounted to an ampler field of depredation; and through what

means it now took toll from every form of wealth unrighteously

acquired. Divertingly she described her personal experiences in the

separation of usurers, thieves, financiers, hereditary noblemen,

popular authors, and other social parasites, from the ill-got profits

of their disreputable vocations. And her account of how, on the

preceding Tuesday, she, single-handed, had robbed Sir Alexander

McRae--who then enjoyed a fortune and an enviable reputation for

philanthropy, thanks to the combination of glucose, vitriol and other

chemicals which he prepared under the humorous pretext of manufacturing

beer--wrung high encomiums from Mr. Sheridan.

"The proceeds of these endeavors," Miss Ogle added, "are

conscientiously devoted to ameliorating the condition of meritorious

paupers. I would be happy to submit to you our annual report. Then

you may judge for yourself how many families we have snatched from the

depths of poverty and habitual intoxication to the comparative comfort

of a vine-embowered cottage."

Mr. Sheridan replied: "I have not ever known of any case where

adoration needed an affidavit for foundation. Oh, no, incomparable

Esther Jane! I am not in a position to be solaced by the reports of a

corresponding secretary. I gave my heart long since; to-night I fling

my confidence into the bargain; and am resolved to serve wholeheartedly

the cause to which you are devoted. In consequence, I venture to

propose my name for membership in the enterprise you advocate and

indescribably adorn."

Miss Ogle was all one blush, such was the fervor of his utterance.

"But first you must win your spurs, Mr. Sheridan. I confess you are

not abhorrent to me," she hurried on, "for you are the most

fascinatingly hideous man I have ever seen; and it was always the

apprehension that you might look on burglary as an unmaidenly avocation

which has compelled me to discourage your addresses. Now all is plain;

and should you happen to distinguish yourself in robbery of the

criminally opulent, you will have, I believe, no reason to complain of

a twelfth refusal. I cannot modestly say more."

He laughed. "It is a bargain. We will agree that I bereave some

person of either stolen or unearned property, say, to the value of

L10,000----" And with his usual carefulness in such matters, Mr.

Sheridan entered the wager in his notebook.

She yielded him her hand in token of assent. And he, depend upon it,

kissed that velvet trifle fondly.

"And now," said Mr. Sheridan, "to-morrow we will visit Bemerside and

obtain possession of that crystal which is in train to render me the

happiest of men. The task will be an easy one, as Eiran is now in

England, and his servants for the most part are my familiars."

"I agree to your proposal," she answered. "But this diamond is my

allotted quarry; and any assistance you may render me in procuring it

will not, of course, affect in any way our bargain. On this

point"--she spoke with a break of laughter--"I am as headstrong as an

allegory on the banks of the Nile."

"To quote an author to his face," lamented Mr. Sheridan, "is bribery as

gross as it is efficacious. I must unwillingly consent to your

exorbitant demands, for you are, as always, the irresistible Ogle."

Miss Ogle bowed her gratitude; and, declining Mr. Sheridan's escort,

for fear of arousing gossip by being seen upon the street with him at

this late hour, preferred to avoid any appearance of indecorum by

climbing down the kitchen roof.

When she had gone, Mr. Sheridan very gallantly attempted a set of

verses. But the Muse was not to be wooed to-night, and stayed

obstinately coy.

Mr. Sheridan reflected, rather forlornly, that he wrote nothing

nowadays. There was, of course, his great comedy, _Affectation_, his

masterpiece which he meant to finish at one time or another; yet, at

the bottom of his heart, he knew that he would never finish it. But,

then, deuce take posterity! for to have written the best comedy, the

best farce, and the best burlesque as well, that England had ever

known, was a very prodigal wiping-out of every obligation toward

posterity. Boys thought a deal about posterity, as he remembered; but

a sensible man would bear in mind that all this world's delicacies--its

merry diversions, its venison and old wines, its handsomely-bound books

and fiery-hearted jewels and sumptuous clothings, all its lovely things

that can be touched and handled, and more especially its ear-tickling

applause--were to be won, if ever, from one's contemporaries. And

people were generous toward social, rather than literary, talents for

the sensible reason that they derived more pleasure from an agreeable

companion at dinner than from having a rainy afternoon rendered

endurable by some book or another. So the parliamentarian sensibly

went to bed.

Miss Ogle during this Scottish trip was accompanied by her father, the

venerable Dean of Winchester. The Dean, although in all things worthy

of implicit confidence, was not next day informed of the intended

expedition, in deference to public opinion, which, as Miss Ogle pointed

out, regards a clergyman's participation in a technical felony with

disapproval.

Miss Ogle, therefore, radiant in a becoming gown of pink lute-string,

left Edinburgh the following morning under cover of a subterfuge, and

with Mr. Sheridan as her only escort. He was at pains to adorn this

role with so many happy touches of courtesy and amiability that their

confinement in the postchaise appeared to both of incredible brevity.

When they had reached Melrose another chaise was ordered to convey them

to Bemerside; and pending its forthcoming Mr. Sheridan and Miss Ogle

strolled among the famous ruins of Melrose Abbey. The parliamentarian

had caused his hair to be exuberantly curled that morning, and figured

to advantage in a plum-colored coat and a saffron waistcoat sprigged

with forget-me-nots. He chatted entertainingly concerning the Second

Pointed style of architecture; translated many of the epitaphs; and was

abundant in interesting information as to Robert Bruce, and Michael

Scott, and the rencounter of Chevy Chase.

"Oh, but observe," said Mr. Sheridan, more lately, "our only covering

is the dome of heaven. Yet in their time these aisles were populous,

and here a score of generations have besought what earth does not

afford--now where the banners of crusaders waved the ivy flutters, and

there is no incense in this consecrated house except the breath of the

wild rose."

"The moral is an old one," she returned. "Mummy is become merchandise,

Mizraim cures wounds, and Pharaoh is sold for balsams."

"You are a reader, madam?" he observed, with some surprise; and he

continued: "Indeed, my thoughts were on another trail. I was

considering that the demolishers of this place--those English armies,

those followers of John Knox--were actuated by the highest and most

laudable of motives. As a result we find the house of Heaven converted

into a dustheap."

"I believe you attempt an apologue," she said, indignantly. "Upon my

word, I think you would insinuate that philanthropy, when forced to

manifest itself through embezzlement, is a less womanly employment than

the darning of stockings!"

"Whom the cap fits----" he answered, with a bow. "Indeed, incomparable

Esther Jane, I had said nothing whatever touching hosiery; and it was

equally remote from my intentions to set up as a milliner."

They lunched at Bemerside, where Mr. Sheridan was cordially received by

the steward, and a well-chosen repast was placed at their disposal.

"Fergus," Mr. Sheridan observed, as they chatted over their dessert

concerning famous gems--in which direction talk had been adroitly

steered"--Fergus, since we are on the topic, I would like to show Miss

Ogle the Honor of Eiran."

The Honor of Eiran was accordingly produced from a blue velvet case,

and was properly admired. Then, when the steward had been dismissed to

fetch a rare liqueur, Mr. Sheridan laughed, and tossed and caught the

jewel, as though he handled a cricket-ball. It was the size of a

pigeon's egg, and was set among eight gems of lesser magnitude; and in

transit through the sunlight the trinket flashed and glittered with

diabolical beauty. The parliamentarian placed three bits of sugar in

the velvet case and handed the gem to his companion.

"The bulk is much the same," he observed; "and whether the carbon be

crystallized or no, is the responsibility of stratigraphic geology.

Fergus, perhaps, must go to jail. That is unfortunate. But true

philanthropy works toward the benefit of the greatest number possible;

and this resplendent pebble will purchase you innumerable pounds of tea

and a warehouseful of blankets."

"But, Mr. Sheridan," Miss Ogle cried, in horror, "to take this brooch

would not be honest!"

"Oh, as to that----!" he shrugged.

"----because Lord Eiran purchased all these lesser diamonds, and very

possibly paid for them."

Then Mr. Sheridan reflected, stood abashed, and said: "Incomparable

Esther Jane, I confess I am only a man. You are entirely right. To

purloin any of these little diamonds would be an abominable action,

whereas to make off with the only valuable one is simply a stroke of

retribution. I will, therefore, attempt to prise it out with a

nutpick."

Three constables came suddenly into the room. "We hae been tauld this

missy is a suspectit thieving body," their leader cried. "Esther Jane

Ogle, ye maun gae with us i' the law's name. Ou ay, lass, ye ken weel

eneugh wha robbit auld Sir Aleexander McRae, sae dinna ye say naething

tae your ain preejudice, lest ye hae tae account for it a'."

Mr. Sheridan rose to the occasion. "My exceedingly good friend, Angus

Howden! I am unwilling to concede that yeomen can excel in gentlemanly

accomplishments, but it is only charity to suppose all three of you as

drunk as any duke that ever honored me with his acquaintance." This he

drawled, and appeared magisterially to await an explanation.

"Hout, Mr. Sheridan," commenced the leading representative of justice,

"let that flee stick i' the wa'--e dinna mean tae tell me, Sir, that ye

are acquaintit wi' this--ou ay, tae pleasure ye, I micht e'en say wi'

this----"

"This lady, probably?" Mr. Sheridan hazarded.

"'Tis an unco thing," the constable declared, "but that wad be the word

was amaist at my tongue's tip."

"Why, undoubtedly," Mr. Sheridan assented. "I rejoice that, being of

French extraction, and unconversant with your somewhat cryptic patois,

the lady in question is the less likely to have been sickened by your

extravagances in the way of misapprehension. I candidly confess such

imbecility annoys me. What!" he cried out, "what if I marry! is

matrimony to be ranked with arson? And what if my cousin, Eiran,

affords me a hiding-place wherein to sneak through our honeymoon after

the cowardly fashion of all modern married couples! Am I in

consequence compelled to submit to the invasions of an intoxicated

constabulary?" His rage was terrific.

"_Voilà la seule devise. Ils me connaissent, ils ont confidence dans

moi. Si, taisez-vous! Si non, vous serez arretée et mise dans la

prison, comme une caractère suspicieuse!_" Mr. Sheridan exhorted Miss

Ogle to this intent with more of earnestness than linguistic

perfection; and he rejoiced to see that instantly she caught at her one

chance of plausibly accounting for her presence at Bemerside, and of

effecting a rescue from this horrid situation.

"But I also spik the English," she sprightlily announced. "I am

appleed myself at to learn its by heart. Certainly you look for a

needle in a hay bundle, my gentlemans. I am no stealer of the grand

road, but the wife of Mistaire Sheridan, and her presence will say to

you the remains."

"You see!" cried Mr. Sheridan, in modest triumph. "In short, I am a

bridegroom unwarrantably interrupted in his first _tête-à-tête_, I am

responsible for this lady and all her past and its appurtenances; and,

in a phrase, for everything except the course of conduct I will

undoubtedly pursue should you be visible at the conclusion of the next

five minutes."

His emphasis was such that the police withdrew with a concomitant of

apologies.

"And now I claim my bond," said Mr. Sheridan, when they were once again

free from intrusion. "For we two are in Scotland, where the common

declaration of a man and woman that they are married constitutes a

marriage."

"Oh----!" she exclaimed, and stood encrimsoned.

"Indeed, I must confess that the day's work has been a trick

throughout. The diamond was pawned years ago. This trinket here is a

copy in paste and worth perhaps some seven shillings sixpence. And

those fellows were not constables, but just my cousin Eiran and two

footmen in disguise. Nay, madam, you will learn with experience that

to display unfailing candor is not without exception the price of

happiness."

"But this, I think, evades our bargain, Mr. Sheridan. For you were

committed to pilfer property to the value of L10,000----"

"And to fulfil the obligation I have stolen your hand in marriage.

What, madam! do you indeed pretend that any person outside of Bedlam

would value you at less? Believe me, your perfections are of far more

worth. All persons recognize that save yourself, incomparable Esther

Jane; and yet, so patent is the proof of my contention, I dare to leave

the verdict to your sense of justice."

Miss Ogle did not speak. Her lashes fell as, with some ceremony, he

led her to the long French mirror which was in the breakfast room.

"See now!" said Mr. Sheridan. "You, who endanger life and fame in

order to provide a mendicant with gruel, tracts and blankets! You, who

deny a sop to the one hunger which is vital! Oh, madam, I am tempted

glibly to compare your eyes to sapphires, and your hair to thin-spun

gold, and the color of your flesh to the arbutus-flower--for that, as

you can see, would be within the truth, and it would please most women,

and afterward they would not be so obdurate. But you are not like

other women," Mr. Sheridan observed, with admirable dexterity. "And I

aspire to you, the irresistible Ogle! you, who so great-heartedly

befriend the beggar! you, who with such industry contrive alleviation

for the discomforts of poverty. Eh, eh! what will you grant to any

beggar such as I? Will you deny a sop to the one hunger which is

vital?" He spoke with unaccustomed vigor, even in a sort of terror,

because he knew that he was speaking with sincerity.

"To the one hunger which is vital!" he repeated. "Ah, where lies the

secret which makes one face the dearest in the world, and entrusts to

one little hand a life's happiness as a plaything? All Aristotle's

learning could not unriddle the mystery, and Samson's thews were

impotent to break that spell. Love vanquishes all. . . . You would

remind me of some previous skirmishings with Venus's unconquerable

brat? Nay, madam, to the contrary, the fact that I have loved many

other women is my strongest plea for toleration. Were there nothing

else, it is indisputable we perform all actions better for having

rehearsed them. No, we do not of necessity perform them the more

thoughtlessly as well; for, indeed, I find that with experience a man

becomes increasingly difficult to please in affairs of the heart. The

woman one loves then is granted that pre-eminence not merely by virtue

of having outshone any particular one of her predecessors; oh, no!

instead, her qualities have been compared with all the charms of all

her fair forerunners, and they have endured that stringent testing.

The winning of an often-bartered heart is in reality the only conquest

which entitles a woman to complacency, for she has received a real

compliment; whereas to be selected as the target of a lad's first

declaration is a tribute of no more value than a man's opinion upon

vintages who has never tasted wine."

He took a turn about the breakfast room, then came near to her. "I

love you. Were there any way to parade the circumstance and bedeck it

with pleasing adornments of filed phrases, tropes and far-fetched

similes, I would not grudge you a deal of verbal pageantry. But three

words say all. I love you. There is no act in my past life but

appears trivial and strange to me, and to the man who performed it I

seem no more akin than to Mark Antony or Nebuchadnezzar. I love you.

The skies are bluer since you came, the beauty of this world we live in

oppresses me with a fearful joy, and in my heart there is always the

thought of you and such yearning as I may not word. For I love you."

"You--but you have frightened me." Miss Ogle did not seem so terrified

as to make any effort to recede from him; and yet he saw that she was

frightened in sober earnest. Her face showed pale, and soft, and glad,

and awed, and desirable above all things; and it remained so near him

as to engender riotous aspirations.

"I love you," he said again. You would never have suspected this man

could speak, upon occasion, fluently. "I think--I think that Heaven

was prodigal when Heaven made you. To think of you is as if I listened

to an exalted music; and to be with you is to understand that all

imaginable sorrows are just the figments of a dream which I had very

long ago."

She laid one hand on each of his shoulders, facing him. "Do not let me

be too much afraid! I have not ever been afraid before. Oh,

everything is in a mist of gold, and I am afraid of you, and of the big

universe which I was born into, and I am helpless, and I would have

nothing changed! Only, I cannot believe I am worth L10,000, and I do

so want to be persuaded I am. It is a great pity," she sighed, "that

you who convicted Warren Hastings of stealing such enormous wealth

cannot be quite as eloquent to-day as you were in the Oudh speech, and

convince me his arraigner has been equally rapacious!"

"I mean to prove as much--with time," said Mr. Sheridan. His breathing

was yet perfunctory.