(_FRAGMENT FROM A TRAGIC FARCE, SUGGESTED BY A CORRESPONDENCE IN A
DAILY PAPER._)
SCENE--_The Sanctum of Paterfamilias. Enter to him JACKY,
his eldest born._
_Pater_. (_cordially_). How are you, old chap?
_Jacky_. Very well, thank you, Father. And will you forgive me--is not
"chap" a trifle slangy?
_Pater_. (_astonished_). Eh! what?
_Jacky_. You were good enough to write to my Form Master after the
Easter Vacation, complaining of my style. Consequently that worthy
pedagogue has given more than usual attention to that part of my
education.
[Illustration]
_Pater_. Well, now you are home for the holidays! As for your Form
Master--hang him and all his works!
_Jacky_. Are you quite sure that you are quoting correctly? To the
best of my belief the line goes, "hang him with his pen and ink-horn."
_Pater_. Eh! what? I don't understand you.
_Jacky_. Why, my dear Father, I naturally concluded that you were
quoting; from the Immortal Bard. You will find the passage in _The
Second Part of King Henry the Sixth_, scene iv., line 2.
_Pater_. What are you talking about?
_Jacky_. Why your misquotation. And will you forgive me--but do you
not think it would sound better if you were to ask me--"about what I
was talking"? I might add that my Form Master and I--
_Pater_. Your "Form Master and you." Rot and bosh! I should say--
_Jacky_ (_with a twitch of pain_). Oh, my dear Father, more slang,
more slang!
_Pater_. (_getting very red_). And what if there is? What's that to
you? You don't pay for my education, do you?
_Jacky_ (_quickly_). No. If I did, I could not declare that I was
satisfied with your progress!
_Pater_. (_indignantly_). You little prig, I--
_Jacky_ (_calmly interrupting_). Pray do not excite yourself. I am
only doing my duty. I am merely attempting to instruct those less
polished than myself. Surely I may regard such an action with
satisfaction?
_Pater_. (_furious_). You shall go back to school at once!
_Jacky_. I am afraid that that is scarcely practicable. If you will
refer to the slip that accompanied my school-bill, you will notice
that the Vacation does not cease until the 20th of September.
_Pater_. And a nice school-bill! Why they charged everything as an
extra!
_Jacky_. Surely such a matter is scarcely within my province?
According to statute, my dear Father, you are bound to provide for me
until (if my memory does not betray me) I reach the age of sixteen. As
I am now five years younger than that limit, it is clearly your duty
to support me.
_Pater_. Why, Sir, you are insupportable!
_Jacky_ (_smiling_). I see--a joke--very good! But, my dear Sir, do
you think it quite dignified to make so small a jest in my presence?
It is calculated to lessen my respect for you.
_Pater_. Well I never!
_Jacky_. Never what? You have not completed the sentence.
_Pater_. Sir, you are an insolent young puppy!
_Jacky_. I am forced to contradict you--in justice to yourself. You
cannot be willing to let me regard you as a dog?
_Pater_. (_after a pause_). Well, the sooner you get back to the
school the better.
_Jacky_ (_promptly_). I have no doubt you are right, my dear
Father; and, as I take a sincere interest in your welfare, I would
respectfully suggest that you should accompany me. It must be patent
to us both that you are lacking in polish.
_Pater_. (_losing his patience_). You young cub! I will give you the
soundest thrashing you ever had in your life!
_Materfamilias_ (_interposing_). Oh, you cruel man! What has the poor
child done?
_Jacky_ (_with ready tact_). Nothing, dearest Mamma, except to take
after his kind, clever and accomplished Mother!
[_Scene closes in upon a family group not entirely free from
domestic complications._
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