_The Baron makes a speech to the National Assembly, and drives out all
the members--Routs the fishwomen and the National Guards--Pursues the
whole rout into a Church, where he defeats the National Assembly, &c.,
with Rousseau, Voltaire, and Beelzebub at their head, and liberates
Marie Antoinette and the Royal Family._
Passing through Switzerland on my return from India, I was informed
that several of the German nobility had been deprived of the honours
and immunities of their French estates. I heard of the sufferings of
the amiable Marie Antoinette, and swore to avenge every look that had
threatened her with insult. I went to the cavern of these Anthropophagi,
assembled to debate, and gracefully putting the hilt of my sword to my
lips--"I swear," cried I, "by the sacred cross of my sword, that if you
do not instantly reinstate your king and his nobility, and your injured
queen, I will cut the one half of you to pieces."
On which the President, taking up a leaden inkstand, flung it at my
head. I stooped to avoid the blow, and rushing to the tribunal seized
the Speaker, who was fulminating against the Aristocrats, and taking the
creature by one leg, flung him at the President. I laid about me most
nobly, drove them all out of the house, and locking the doors put the
key in my pocket.
I then went to the poor king, and making my obeisance to him--"Sire,"
said I, "your enemies have all fled. I alone am the National Assembly at
present, and I shall register your edicts to recall the princes and
the nobility; and in future, if your majesty pleases, I will be
your Parliament and Council." He thanked me, and the amiable Marie
Antoinette, smiling, gave me her hand to kiss.
At that moment I perceived a party of the National Assembly, who had
rallied with the National Guards, and a vast procession of fishwomen,
advancing against me. I deposited their Majesties in a place of
safety, and with my drawn sword advanced against my foes. Three hundred
fishwomen, with bushes dressed with ribbons in their hands, came
hallooing and roaring against me like so many furies. I scorned to
defile my sword with their blood, but seized the first that came up, and
making her kneel down I knighted her with my sword, which so terrified
the rest that they all set up a frightful yell and ran away as fast as
they could for fear of being aristocrated by knighthood.
As to the National Guards and the rest of the Assembly, I soon put them
to flight; and having made prisoners of some of them, compelled them to
take down their national, and put the old royal cockade in its place.
I then pursued the enemy to the top of a hill, where a most noble
edifice dazzled my sight; noble and sacred it was but now converted
to the vilest purposes, their monument _de grands hommes_, a Christian
church that these Saracens had perverted into abomination. I burst open
the doors, and entered sword in hand. Here I observed all the National
Assembly marching round a great altar erected to Voltaire; there was
his statue in triumph, and the fishwomen with garlands decking it, and
singing "Ca ira!" I could bear the sight no longer; but rushed upon
these pagans, and sacrificed them by dozens on the spot. The members
of the Assembly, and the fishwomen, continued to invoke their great
Voltaire, and all their masters in this monument _de grands hommes_,
imploring them to come down and succour them against the Aristocrats and
the sword of Munchausen. Their cries were horrible, like the shrieks
of witches and enchanters versed in magic and the black art, while
the thunder growled, and storms shook the battlements, and Rousseau,
Voltaire, and Beelzebub appeared, three horrible spectres; one all
meagre, mere skin and bone, and cadaverous, seemed death, that hideous
skeleton; it was Voltaire, and in his hand were a lyre and a dagger. On
the other side was Rousseau, with a chalice of sweet poison in his hand,
and between them was their father Beelzebub!
I shuddered at the sight, and with all the enthusiasm of rage, horror,
and piety, rushed in among them. I seized that cursed skeleton Voltaire,
and soon compelled him to renounce all the errors he had advanced;
and while he spoke the words, as if by magic charm, the whole assembly
shrieked, and the pandemonium began to tumble in hideous ruin on their
heads.
I returned in triumph to the palace, where the Queen rushed into my
arms, weeping tenderly. "Ah, thou flower of nobility," cried she, "were
all the nobles of France like thee, we should never have been brought to
this!"
I bade the lovely creature dry her eyes, and with the King and Dauphin
ascend my carriage, and drive post to Mont-Medi, as not an instant was
to be lost. They took my advice and drove away. I conveyed them within
a few miles of Mont-Medi, when the King, thanking me for my assistance,
hoped I would not trouble myself any farther, as he was then, he
presumed, out of danger; and the Queen also, with tears in her eyes,
thanked me on her knees, and presented the Dauphin for my blessing. In
short, I left the King eating a mutton chop. I advised him not to delay,
or he would certainly be taken, and setting spurs to my horse, wished
them a good evening, and returned to England. If the King remained too
long at table, and was taken, it was not my fault.